To Those in the Observation Towers . . .
Marriage is a big decision – and a big risk – and it’s painful to watch people make poor choices. We may have the opportunity to dissuade those closest to us from making big mistakes, but we wonder how much involvement is enough, and how much is too much? I believe the more difficult question might be: how much is not enough? We live in a world of gossip, much of which is passed on with concerned piety, nevertheless our regard for others can be significantly skewed even while guarding against negative influences. Sadly, we live in a world of sin, some willful, some intentional, creating the scenarios which require diligent character study before making that final commitment. When our opinions are altered by something we see or information we hear, do we realize the potential result if it’s exposed – or maybe worse, if it is not exposed? We cannot trust our own judgment any more than we can place our full trust in others. It's is a frustrating dilemma for any bystander to decide when and where, if at all, to step out of our comfort zone and get involved? The truth is, either way is a risk – just like the cross was a risk – big decisions, big consequences, powerful rewards.
There is a story of a young man, who was advised by well-meaning, more mature friends to avoid the charming young lady he was informally dating, whom they defined as “desperate.” Though the concerned individuals meant well, their account of her was determined by a couple bits of information which were passed along without any investigation as to truth or motive. With great faith in his godly friend’s, knowing they wouldn’t pass on something untrue, he backed off the relationship – a painful experience for both he and the young lady.
Neither of his friends stepped out of their comfort zone to talk with her about the alleged situations before passing it along. Few accusations are as painful as the untrue, especially when it divides relationships, and what pain and remorse would have been avoided had his friends investigated, or at least inquired of her on their own before sharing with him!
Now before we pass judgment on these friends, we have no question that they were doing what they thought right in the eyes of God—protecting this young man from an unfortunate alliance. Where good motives can’t support their actions, it should increase our mercy, especially when we look back on our own histories with clarity. I just can’t help but wonder how frustrated angels are when we (me included) create so much extra work for them by our well-intended indiscretions. Praise God that He is not only bigger than, but the Forgiver of, gossip.
God worked intricately in the lives of His people in biblical times: Isaac, Jacob, Esther, and Ruth. He used various methods to connect people, including other people. If God did so then, is He not doing so now? And He instructs us in Matthew 18:15-17 on how to handle situations such as these when one hears disturbing news that could significantly impact another’s life, when we would be remiss in withholding such critical information. By using God’s plan, we encourage Him to guide as He promised, something He can’t promise if we use our own.
Of all the valuable lessons we’ve gleaned as spectators over the past thirty years, one of the most valuable is to avoid interference in God’s plans, and His plans aren’t as obvious as they seem at the time. Discretion is the better part of valor, and we’ve learned it is rarely prudent to advise for or against a relationship. Instead, we advise against the vice should it be something the individual continues to cherish. It’s part of God’s plan to focus on resolving the problem, not on the person as the problem, giving him or her opportunity for reflection, repentance, forgiveness, and love. The evidence of God’s blessing to a union is the unselfish furthering of His mission through them. We may not know God’s will for two people, whether He wants them together or not, but He might use you as His tool to influence one or both, preparing him or her for marriage, if not from this relationship, from another. The bystander has a solemn responsibility, and it should be taken as one requiring much knowledge, wisdom, dependence on God, and even self-sacrifice to support God’s plan of which we really aren’t yet aware.
Following are some specific suggestions to aid in resolving any concerns with an individual. For the ease of understanding, the author will write the following scenarios as though the girlfriend is accused. Using “she” is not intended to be a reflection of the female gender, as these principles apply to either.
Begin by reading Christ’s instructions in Matthew 18. Though verses fifteen through seventeen tell us how to act, the other verses in the chapter help us realize our position, our fallibility, prior to “casting the first stone” at one whose behavior offends either us or our friend. But, you say, “She hasn’t offended me, so Matthew 18 doesn’t apply here.” If her behavior could potentially offend (affect) your friend, she has affected you, and you have the obligation to address her first, as Christ describes.
Unless a situation is dangerous to someone’s physical self, it does not matter what you have observed, heard, suspect, or believe, one cannot glorify God by talking about someone before talking with that someone, even if under the guise of requesting prayer – the Christian’s “innocent” and most efficient method of spreading gossip. Many souls are won or lost by misused tools of communication. Be sure your communication glorifies God.
Before initiating a conversation, carefully digest the steps to conflict resolution in chapter twenty-nine, “Crying, Coping, and Confidence,” which are critical tools for this situation.
Approach her humbly, believing innocent until proven guilty, employing much prayer, understanding, and pardoning grace, like you’d appreciate someone doing for you were you misunderstood or the topic of rumors. Ask in a supportive tone using an open-ended (not a yes or no question), non-accusing question such as: “It seems like you could be struggling with ________. How can I help?” or “I question a rumor I have heard. What can you tell me?” You see . . .
“Silence is not always tact and it is tact that is golden, not silence.”1
Go deeper than what you saw or report you heard. Look not for excuses but for understanding. This is hard to do if you really preferred these two weren’t dating, but then you have to figure out if you or he/she is really the concern.
Many factors will determine how you, an onlooker, might choose to handle rumor or privileged information:
1) Validity: proven untrue, simple misunderstanding, unproven/unsure if valid, or is valid
2) Timing: shortly before or during this relationship, or long ago
3) Moral/value issue
4) Self disclosure or non-communicative
Let’s suppose, as we hoped and prayed, that your discussion proved the rumors untrue, or it was a simple misunderstanding which was quickly resolved. It’s not a bad idea for her to talk with her date about it, as he may yet hear the rumor. Now it’s over and done with, and you can be supportive of their relationship. Woohoo!
On the other hand, when a concern is not satisfied or proves valid, the accused will likely respond with: evading the issue, defensive with either denial or excuses, or repentance. How she responds determines what you do next with the information.
Evasive or Defensive
If she was evasive or defensive, you needn’t push an investigation or interrogation. Truth-finding will be up to her boyfriend, but he can’t do the analysis if he isn’t aware. Suggest that she share your conversation with her boyfriend. This is not only a testing tactic, but a respectful move. Encourage her with prayer, reassuring that you will check back in one week to see how it went. The best possible success depends on your confidence and faithfulness in following through. If she discloses that her date is fully informed, follow up by asking him to relate what she told him about your conversation; you aren’t spreading rumors, but rather discussing a conversation with which you were involved – without discrediting her. If she has not yet shared with him after one week, you may kindly suggest that, in her best interest, her date needs to know, so you will talk with him personally next week, again granting a one-week grace period. If, at the end of those two weeks, she still hasn’t done so, then you might want to first inquire of her date as to whether she mentioned it, giving her the benefit of the doubt. Tell him that you asked her to discuss your talk with him, and that you’d now like to share the conversation. “It is tact that is golden, not silence.” Doing his own investigation and coming to his own conclusion is more convincing that anything anyone else will say, so tread softly and tenderly, withdrawing from the situation while leaving the investigation and interpretation – and the relationship decision – up to him.
Topics Matter
A basic guideline follows as not every topic of concern will be handled the same way, but all the following scenarios assume that you have discussed the issue directly with her early on or as soon as possible in the relationship.
If the event took place either very recently or during this relationship, it should be handled as in the “evasive or defensive” paragraph above.
If the concern was a sexual issue that occurred long ago, and she was repentant, the author asks you to read chapter 31: “When to share.” (Coming soon) You may encourage her to read this book, allowing her to follow through with appropriate timing. Patient endurance is needed on the bystander’s part to allow God to work His plan. Follow up to be sure that the disclosure is completed at the appropriate time. In this case, you are still involved, but only until her date is informed.
If the event in question was a sexual issue from long ago, and she indicates no remorse, it should be handled as directed in the “evasive or defensive” paragraph above.
If it was a non-moral issue of which you feel he needs to be aware, she can share when she is ready up to one year of dating. The observer might prompt a reminder at that time, and if she still has not shared within the next two weeks, continue as noted in the “evasive or defensive” paragraph above. You may or may not hear the end result, but your respectful friendship was demonstrated by sharing pertinent information. The rest is up to them.
Facts are necessary in making good choices, which make proper information essential. The choice to move forward or backward must be decided by those in the relationship. The person who allows themself to be talked out of a relationship, will usually wonder what would have been the outcome had they not allowed outside influence. For complete closure, they must have the information but work it out between themselves.
Demonstrating brotherly love for both saint and sinner, treating them as we want to be treated, makes supporting our friends a much easier, less risky, and much more rewarding task.
How to dissuade gossip in general . . .
Few enjoy spreading gossip without avid hearers. If anyone passing on anything remotely negative about another person, I find something positive to say. I have done some really “foolish” things in the past, and would have relished the friend who attempted to understand, sharing that understanding with the one who spoke against me. Whether I know the facts or not, I can certainly respond to gossip of any kind and generic, “Hmmm, I wonder if they meant to come across that way . . . ” or “is it possible that they didn’t realize the impact of their actions on others?” In the strength and name of Christ, I cannot help but offer that service for friend or foe - and it works every time.
Since I have never walked in another’s shoes, I cannot understand why another would do what they do. I can understand that I was not exposed to the same experiences in life as they. Their behavior may not make sense to me, but it makes perfect sense to them based on their own experiences. This understanding is not meant to excuse behavior, but if the behavior is truly wrong—biblically wrong—and the action seems right to them, we do a more Christ-like service by nurturing new and godly experiences until that wrong action no longer seems right to them. A true friend understands and loves another into the right—without passing judgment—which takes conscious effort at first, but it doesn’t take long to become second nature when, in His strength, we walk in His shoes.
Back to the beginning story . . .
To his credit, our wise suitor didn’t stop at accepting his friend’s reports. He observed her behavior for himself, sought out facts and explanations, and as he discovered the misconceptions in the accusation made against her, he initiated a formal dating relationship. They married the following year, resulting in a combined ministry which was now more effective for the Lord than their individual ministries could have ever proved. And they lived happily ever after . . . .
1 http://quotes-motivational- inspiration.blogspot.com.
Marriage is a big decision – and a big risk – and it’s painful to watch people make poor choices. We may have the opportunity to dissuade those closest to us from making big mistakes, but we wonder how much involvement is enough, and how much is too much? I believe the more difficult question might be: how much is not enough? We live in a world of gossip, much of which is passed on with concerned piety, nevertheless our regard for others can be significantly skewed even while guarding against negative influences. Sadly, we live in a world of sin, some willful, some intentional, creating the scenarios which require diligent character study before making that final commitment. When our opinions are altered by something we see or information we hear, do we realize the potential result if it’s exposed – or maybe worse, if it is not exposed? We cannot trust our own judgment any more than we can place our full trust in others. It's is a frustrating dilemma for any bystander to decide when and where, if at all, to step out of our comfort zone and get involved? The truth is, either way is a risk – just like the cross was a risk – big decisions, big consequences, powerful rewards.
There is a story of a young man, who was advised by well-meaning, more mature friends to avoid the charming young lady he was informally dating, whom they defined as “desperate.” Though the concerned individuals meant well, their account of her was determined by a couple bits of information which were passed along without any investigation as to truth or motive. With great faith in his godly friend’s, knowing they wouldn’t pass on something untrue, he backed off the relationship – a painful experience for both he and the young lady.
Neither of his friends stepped out of their comfort zone to talk with her about the alleged situations before passing it along. Few accusations are as painful as the untrue, especially when it divides relationships, and what pain and remorse would have been avoided had his friends investigated, or at least inquired of her on their own before sharing with him!
Now before we pass judgment on these friends, we have no question that they were doing what they thought right in the eyes of God—protecting this young man from an unfortunate alliance. Where good motives can’t support their actions, it should increase our mercy, especially when we look back on our own histories with clarity. I just can’t help but wonder how frustrated angels are when we (me included) create so much extra work for them by our well-intended indiscretions. Praise God that He is not only bigger than, but the Forgiver of, gossip.
God worked intricately in the lives of His people in biblical times: Isaac, Jacob, Esther, and Ruth. He used various methods to connect people, including other people. If God did so then, is He not doing so now? And He instructs us in Matthew 18:15-17 on how to handle situations such as these when one hears disturbing news that could significantly impact another’s life, when we would be remiss in withholding such critical information. By using God’s plan, we encourage Him to guide as He promised, something He can’t promise if we use our own.
Of all the valuable lessons we’ve gleaned as spectators over the past thirty years, one of the most valuable is to avoid interference in God’s plans, and His plans aren’t as obvious as they seem at the time. Discretion is the better part of valor, and we’ve learned it is rarely prudent to advise for or against a relationship. Instead, we advise against the vice should it be something the individual continues to cherish. It’s part of God’s plan to focus on resolving the problem, not on the person as the problem, giving him or her opportunity for reflection, repentance, forgiveness, and love. The evidence of God’s blessing to a union is the unselfish furthering of His mission through them. We may not know God’s will for two people, whether He wants them together or not, but He might use you as His tool to influence one or both, preparing him or her for marriage, if not from this relationship, from another. The bystander has a solemn responsibility, and it should be taken as one requiring much knowledge, wisdom, dependence on God, and even self-sacrifice to support God’s plan of which we really aren’t yet aware.
Following are some specific suggestions to aid in resolving any concerns with an individual. For the ease of understanding, the author will write the following scenarios as though the girlfriend is accused. Using “she” is not intended to be a reflection of the female gender, as these principles apply to either.
Begin by reading Christ’s instructions in Matthew 18. Though verses fifteen through seventeen tell us how to act, the other verses in the chapter help us realize our position, our fallibility, prior to “casting the first stone” at one whose behavior offends either us or our friend. But, you say, “She hasn’t offended me, so Matthew 18 doesn’t apply here.” If her behavior could potentially offend (affect) your friend, she has affected you, and you have the obligation to address her first, as Christ describes.
Unless a situation is dangerous to someone’s physical self, it does not matter what you have observed, heard, suspect, or believe, one cannot glorify God by talking about someone before talking with that someone, even if under the guise of requesting prayer – the Christian’s “innocent” and most efficient method of spreading gossip. Many souls are won or lost by misused tools of communication. Be sure your communication glorifies God.
Before initiating a conversation, carefully digest the steps to conflict resolution in chapter twenty-nine, “Crying, Coping, and Confidence,” which are critical tools for this situation.
Approach her humbly, believing innocent until proven guilty, employing much prayer, understanding, and pardoning grace, like you’d appreciate someone doing for you were you misunderstood or the topic of rumors. Ask in a supportive tone using an open-ended (not a yes or no question), non-accusing question such as: “It seems like you could be struggling with ________. How can I help?” or “I question a rumor I have heard. What can you tell me?” You see . . .
“Silence is not always tact and it is tact that is golden, not silence.”1
Go deeper than what you saw or report you heard. Look not for excuses but for understanding. This is hard to do if you really preferred these two weren’t dating, but then you have to figure out if you or he/she is really the concern.
Many factors will determine how you, an onlooker, might choose to handle rumor or privileged information:
1) Validity: proven untrue, simple misunderstanding, unproven/unsure if valid, or is valid
2) Timing: shortly before or during this relationship, or long ago
3) Moral/value issue
4) Self disclosure or non-communicative
Let’s suppose, as we hoped and prayed, that your discussion proved the rumors untrue, or it was a simple misunderstanding which was quickly resolved. It’s not a bad idea for her to talk with her date about it, as he may yet hear the rumor. Now it’s over and done with, and you can be supportive of their relationship. Woohoo!
On the other hand, when a concern is not satisfied or proves valid, the accused will likely respond with: evading the issue, defensive with either denial or excuses, or repentance. How she responds determines what you do next with the information.
Evasive or Defensive
If she was evasive or defensive, you needn’t push an investigation or interrogation. Truth-finding will be up to her boyfriend, but he can’t do the analysis if he isn’t aware. Suggest that she share your conversation with her boyfriend. This is not only a testing tactic, but a respectful move. Encourage her with prayer, reassuring that you will check back in one week to see how it went. The best possible success depends on your confidence and faithfulness in following through. If she discloses that her date is fully informed, follow up by asking him to relate what she told him about your conversation; you aren’t spreading rumors, but rather discussing a conversation with which you were involved – without discrediting her. If she has not yet shared with him after one week, you may kindly suggest that, in her best interest, her date needs to know, so you will talk with him personally next week, again granting a one-week grace period. If, at the end of those two weeks, she still hasn’t done so, then you might want to first inquire of her date as to whether she mentioned it, giving her the benefit of the doubt. Tell him that you asked her to discuss your talk with him, and that you’d now like to share the conversation. “It is tact that is golden, not silence.” Doing his own investigation and coming to his own conclusion is more convincing that anything anyone else will say, so tread softly and tenderly, withdrawing from the situation while leaving the investigation and interpretation – and the relationship decision – up to him.
Topics Matter
A basic guideline follows as not every topic of concern will be handled the same way, but all the following scenarios assume that you have discussed the issue directly with her early on or as soon as possible in the relationship.
If the event took place either very recently or during this relationship, it should be handled as in the “evasive or defensive” paragraph above.
If the concern was a sexual issue that occurred long ago, and she was repentant, the author asks you to read chapter 31: “When to share.” (Coming soon) You may encourage her to read this book, allowing her to follow through with appropriate timing. Patient endurance is needed on the bystander’s part to allow God to work His plan. Follow up to be sure that the disclosure is completed at the appropriate time. In this case, you are still involved, but only until her date is informed.
If the event in question was a sexual issue from long ago, and she indicates no remorse, it should be handled as directed in the “evasive or defensive” paragraph above.
If it was a non-moral issue of which you feel he needs to be aware, she can share when she is ready up to one year of dating. The observer might prompt a reminder at that time, and if she still has not shared within the next two weeks, continue as noted in the “evasive or defensive” paragraph above. You may or may not hear the end result, but your respectful friendship was demonstrated by sharing pertinent information. The rest is up to them.
Facts are necessary in making good choices, which make proper information essential. The choice to move forward or backward must be decided by those in the relationship. The person who allows themself to be talked out of a relationship, will usually wonder what would have been the outcome had they not allowed outside influence. For complete closure, they must have the information but work it out between themselves.
Demonstrating brotherly love for both saint and sinner, treating them as we want to be treated, makes supporting our friends a much easier, less risky, and much more rewarding task.
How to dissuade gossip in general . . .
Few enjoy spreading gossip without avid hearers. If anyone passing on anything remotely negative about another person, I find something positive to say. I have done some really “foolish” things in the past, and would have relished the friend who attempted to understand, sharing that understanding with the one who spoke against me. Whether I know the facts or not, I can certainly respond to gossip of any kind and generic, “Hmmm, I wonder if they meant to come across that way . . . ” or “is it possible that they didn’t realize the impact of their actions on others?” In the strength and name of Christ, I cannot help but offer that service for friend or foe - and it works every time.
Since I have never walked in another’s shoes, I cannot understand why another would do what they do. I can understand that I was not exposed to the same experiences in life as they. Their behavior may not make sense to me, but it makes perfect sense to them based on their own experiences. This understanding is not meant to excuse behavior, but if the behavior is truly wrong—biblically wrong—and the action seems right to them, we do a more Christ-like service by nurturing new and godly experiences until that wrong action no longer seems right to them. A true friend understands and loves another into the right—without passing judgment—which takes conscious effort at first, but it doesn’t take long to become second nature when, in His strength, we walk in His shoes.
Back to the beginning story . . .
To his credit, our wise suitor didn’t stop at accepting his friend’s reports. He observed her behavior for himself, sought out facts and explanations, and as he discovered the misconceptions in the accusation made against her, he initiated a formal dating relationship. They married the following year, resulting in a combined ministry which was now more effective for the Lord than their individual ministries could have ever proved. And they lived happily ever after . . . .
1 http://quotes-motivational- inspiration.blogspot.com.