Caution: Up To Date is designed to be read in a linear fashion, as each chapter builds on principles established in the previous chapters. For your best relationship success, begin with the introduction and progress chapter by chapter.
Chapter Twenty-six
Breaking Up, Your Date's Bill of Rights . . .
Breaking Up, Your Date's Bill of Rights . . .
“He whose walk is blameless and who does what is righteous,
who speaks the truth from his heart and has no slander on his tongue,
who does his neighbor no wrong and casts no slur on his fellowman . . .
He who does these things will never be shaken”
(Psalm 15:2–5, NIV).
who speaks the truth from his heart and has no slander on his tongue,
who does his neighbor no wrong and casts no slur on his fellowman . . .
He who does these things will never be shaken”
(Psalm 15:2–5, NIV).
A popular dating book suggests that it’s “wrong” to date someone if you don’t plan to marry him or her. Dating should not be done for entertainment purposes—definitely, but as mentioned before, no one can possibly know if their “Crush” is marriage-material until they date, during which time they may demonstrate red flags. This means breaking-up is appropriate at times. As long as you aren’t dating for entertainment purposes, there is no reason to feel guilty about dating because you’ve chosen to break-up.
This chapter deals with “break-ups,” not failures. Because two people choose to go their separate ways doesn’t make the relationship a dating-failure. If you shouldn’t be together for life, Praise God that someone decided not to continue. What makes it a success – or not – is whether you both learn, how you part ways, the attitudes, and who you do or don’t involve in the process and aftermath.
It was mid-April and Jen was overseas when she decided to break-up with Taylor. She didn’t really have a reason, other than she kind of liked hanging around with another guy. Taylor had not offended her in any way. Believing that she should break-up in person, she thought she’d wait to tell him until her return to the states in June, though the relationship was over in her mind. From April to June, they talked and wrote as usual and Taylor had no idea that things were not OK. He couldn’t wait to pick her up at the airport and had made plans to do some special things together those first few days after her return.
When the day finally arrived, Taylor dressed up, bought some flowers and met her with a smile—but she wasn’t smiling. In fact, she was rather cold to him. He could not figure out what he had done. There was no hint of any offense in their correspondence even up until she boarded the plane. It wasn’t long before he discovered there were other people meeting her as well, and they were driving her to her place of lodging, which left him to travel alone behind. His anxious phone call to us verified the truth about the rumors we heard—a break-up was imminent.
Later we learned more of the story. She was cordial for the next day or two but said nothing of a break-up, though his stomach was in knots the entire time. When finally pressed, she said that he was “the right one but not the right time.” He believed her – he had no reason not to – and he had hopes of rekindling the relationship later when she was ready. He would respect her decision, keeping in touch only as friends normally would. After many months of anxious patience, he received an unfriendly letter telling him never to write again, which finally broke his heart.
This example was not only unfortunate, but it was emotionally expensive for everyone. She didn’t enjoy it, and it wasn’t easy for him especially as he looked back over the year knowing that her initial intention was to break-up—permanently.
Steps to breaking-up
The steps for breaking-up really are very simple, but the emotions are not. Since the emotional part is the most difficult, it’s just best to act quickly as soon as a decision is made – certainly in less than twenty-four hours. Too many complicating factors can surface with a delay.
These steps are just the reverse of those used to initiate a relationship—minus one.
1) Tell him or her that you no longer want to date and why (may take a couple visits)
2) Don’t date or hang out anymore
It’s really that simple.
The “minus one” part speaks of the obligation to include her father’s input as you would when initiating a relationship. If a guy wants to be more astute than most, it’s not a bad idea for him to talk to her father – no matter who is doing the breaking-up. It’s just a good experience to humbly seek his counsel for any additional education you can glean. If done within twenty-four hours, done respectfully, with a humble, open mind and without an underlying intent to rekindle the relationship, the learning will be invaluable.
The Brush-off . . .
A common way of breaking up is that of a good “brush-off,” which is often considered compassionate, a method to “soften the blow.” Rather . . . this method is a combination of cruelty and cowardice as we saw with Jen and Taylor. Avoid a brush-off technique such as using excuses or ignoring/changing your behavior towards him or her until he or she either “gets it” or finally breaks up with you. True compassion – and honor – dictates complete honesty about why it didn’t work.
- Prelude to a brush off: “You are a nice guy, but….” This is not a compliment. It is really patronizing and condescending, making the whole experience feel like a lie.
- “I am just not ready to make a commitment,” which may be true, but if he or she were the right one, you would be ready. Again, the other person deserves the right to know why he or she isn’t the right one. If you just don’t care for them anymore, say so. No one really wants to continue in a relationship without mutual feelings, but if there is a real issue, don’t just use this line as an easy brush off; share the issue with him or her.
- “Right one-wrong time” is deceptive, leaving him or her hoping for a reunion later. It is dishonest to keep his or her heart off the market in such a way with no further intent on your part. If you are the right one, it will be the right time.
- “I just don’t want a girlfriend right now.” This is very similar to the “right one-wrong time” brush off by leaving them hanging with no clue as to whether there is a future or if he or she did something wrong. If your date is not the right one, there is a reason – you must share that reason.
- “God is telling me I should not be in this relationship.” Unless God announces it to you verbally with thunder and lightning, just be honest and say what has decreased your interest.
Should you be a recipient of a brush off technique, painful as it is, we suggest that you do not try to reconcile, in your best interest.
Finalizing the break-up . . .
Should you see a yellow flag, you may want to consult your advice-couple before breaking-up, but two or three yellow flags make a red. Red flags are a clear reason to break-up.
You will also want to read the chapter in Letters to Philip entitled "Winning by Losing" and adjust it to fit a dating couple who are breaking-up rather than a husband and wife who are keeping it together – the same attitude of wining-by-losing applies.
You might also read Chapter Twenty-Nine to be sure your body language matches the sensitivity in your words.
At no time should any other person know that you are going to break-up before you tell your date, except your parents and/or your counseling couple. Never discuss this question with peers. The one involved should always be the first to know.
Though you would never begin a relationship over the phone, you can end one over the phone if it is done respectfully. Why is this OK? The recipient may appreciate being alone with their emotions. It’s OK. It may be better to do in person, but dragging out a relationship simply because you are too far away for face-to-face conversation is not OK. Call, write, talk face to face, but don’t delay.
When breaking-up, your first words should be, “I have decided to break-up.” It’s best not to create undue anxiety by vague conversation. You may then go on to share your rationale. This is not a joking matter, so the punch line should always come first.
People are more resilient than we credit them, and if handled respectfully, rejection isn’t unbearable. Everyone has different preferences within dating; people are drawn to different traits and characteristics. This is easy to understand as long as you can know that you were given credible answers for the break-up. All too often, in fact I’d almost call it universal, the thought process demonstrated is “It’s over. I’m not trying to woo her anymore, so I don’t care what she thinks of me. What does it matter what I say or how I break-up? I am just going to do what I want, what is easiest for me.” As a Christian, wrong answer. In this scenario, the ex-date is left in bitterness and confusion, sometimes for years. We may not be able to avoid the pain in breaking-up, but we are responsible for any unnecessarily inflicted pain. Respectful break-ups include complete, open, honest, and loving communication no matter how difficult or painful it is for either party, and unless one is ready to break-up respectfully, one is not ready to begin a relationship.
You might wonder what more specific information needs to be openly shared. Following are the questions we’ve seen most concerning to all grieving ex-dates (for ease of writing the author references the female gender, but the genders are interchangeable in any scenario):
Why didn't it work? She may agree that it is better this way, and the reason doesn't matter at all. What haunts her is the need to know.
Did she do something specific that pushed you away? Share those flags you saw.
Is there something she can do to fix it and get back together?
Did you just stop “liking” her? Even if it was just a preference-thing, she should be told.
Do you just not like "fat" girls or “skinny” girls, or whatever? Silly as it may seem, wondering about rejection due to appearances is real, and honesty may benefit her a great deal.
What bugged you about her, whether these were the reason for breaking-up or not? Suppose she always wore green and you hate green. Whether the reason seems valid or not, she needs honest clarification—she needs to know. Tell her up front, without flattery or patronizing, and with the most Christian love.
Are you going against your emotions by breaking-up? That is, do you still care for her but breaking-up because of a red or several yellow flags? Were that true, it would generate more respect as well as some empathy for you. Sometimes it’s enough that you still care for her, even if she will no longer have a relationship with you.
Did you decide you like someone else better? If so, tell her. She needs to know that. You need not, and should not, tell her who, but give her a yes or no. It’s really OK to be honest about that – to yourself as well as to her.
Offer answers to the above questions without being asked. If you have to write them down, it’s OK. It is important to be thorough. Lead the conversation humbly and thoughtfully, avoiding any defensiveness.
You both will do a lot of thinking over the next twenty-four hours, so we recommend making an appointment to talk again the next day, either by phone or in person but not by letter, email, or text. Be sure that she knows the intent of the appointment is not to reconcile, but to bring adequate closure for both. You may not feel a need for this follow-up, but schedule it, and make yourself available anyway – even if she doesn’t show. You may find she does some venting at this visit—that’s OK. It’s best to let her. If she is bargaining instead of venting, simply set the boundary that you are there to help him or her understand but not to renegotiate.
Venting is often beneficial, so continue asking if there is anything else she would like to talk about until nothing else is brought up. Avoid, at all cost, reacting to her comments by explaining anything unless she asks a pointed question. You might have to clarify the question in your own words to be sure you know what is really being asked before answering. If she asks, answer simply without a lot of elaboration. Venting alone will heal when nothing else can.
Now, if she has laid some charges at your door and you need to answer to those, instead of reacting at that moment, jot them down so you don’t miss any, and make one more follow up appointment for the next day. This gives you time to calmly think about appropriate answers. Avoid trying to justify anything or to remove the accusation, which invalidates his or her feelings. When answering these charges, simply let her know what you understood or were thinking and feeling at the time of the occurrence.
Through all of this, fit your schedule to accommodate her schedule. Restricted schedules should never be a reason to leave someone hanging without answers. Find a time. God is all about relationship. You needn’t take time off work, but whatever schedule delays occur in order to meet this persons needs for just the next couple of days may not make a difference in eternity. Your attentiveness, understanding, and example could make a difference in his or her eternity, as well as restore her faith in you even though parting.
At the end of the last visit, let her know that you are sorry, that you never meant to make her feel this way (I am sure you didn’t). This isn’t an apology for breaking-up, but you preserve her dignity by acknowledging feelings. At this point you need to say goodbye and leave. Her happiness may not have been restored, but multiple meetings will not change that and you shouldn’t try – an all too common error discussed more later.
Overall, meet once to break-up, once again the next day to clarify issues, one more time if needed for unanswered charges against you, and then consider it done. Everyone may still be hurting but healing comes only with time. There is little to lose and much to gain by using this break-up plan.
Helpful hints . . .
- No one else should do the breaking-up for you.
- Sensitivity to the other person is important, but being uplifting is more so. This means one should avoid flattery, and give him or her the tools needed to improve chances in the next relationship. In short, that means be honest with him or her.
- If you determine that you simply don’t care for the person like you did, or your eyes are roving and your restlessness, as discussed in a previous chapter, just isn’t settling down, be honest and say, “I don’t find myself drawn to you as I hoped.” That is a compliment, as strange as it seems, but it is also truth without being patronizing or offensive.
- Your date, or ex-date, has the right of a secure reputation. Never discuss your ex-date with anyone other than parents and/or your advice couple even after the break-up—not even your best friend. Peers will ask who broke up with whom and why. An acceptable answer is: “We decided it would be better not to date.” That is all to be said. Anything else you say may unjustly ruin his or her reputation and inhibit other relationships. Should you say something even as innocent as, “I didn’t find myself drawn to him as I thought I might be,” you have really said that “on closer acquaintance, he is undesirable.” You might know you didn’t mean it that way, but you can’t control people’s interpretation of your words or the impact of your words once in the gossip chain. It is simply better that you don’t say anything. Of course, we all want to talk about it. It “clears” our name, is great conversation, and induces sympathy and affirmation from friends, but it is truly no one’s business. As Christians, we have a responsibility to preserve our brethren’s reputation even if it means leaving our own invalidated.
- But, what if someone wants to date him or her and they want to know what happened? You may ask, “Don’t they have a right to know?” If the issue was a red flag, you have an obligation to tell this potential date for their sake. If it was a yellow flag, maybe your ex-date has overcome, and you would not want to prejudice this new person. Your answer for a yellow-flag-break-up should be: “Ask him” or “ask her.” Beyond that, it is this individual’s responsibility to observe.
What next?
Once separated, emotions vary from anger to sympathy and the actions follow. It’s hard to know how to treat and ex-date. It’s best to take the middle of the road, which may require some significant self-control to avoid either extreme – being rude or going out of your way to be nice, both of which are inappropriate. The rationale for treating this individual as an acquaintance is discussed in detail later.
Now . . . “She’s in tears and I feel like a real jerk. Are you sure those yellow flags are that big of a deal? I mean, don’t you think she can learn not to flirt so much with my brother? I’m sure she doesn’t mean anything by it. I’ve only spoken to her about it a few times. Maybe if I am just patient, she will learn. Maybe breaking-up with her will teach her that I am serious this time. I really don’t mind so much as long as she stays out of his room at the house. Why do I have this gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach?” Well, that’s a good question . . . .
