Caution: Up To Date is designed to be read in a linear fashion, as each chapter builds on principles established in the previous chapters. For your best relationship success, begin with the introduction and progress chapter by chapter.
Chapter Four
Singleness
"Now concerning virgins I have no commandment of the Lord: yet I give my judgment,
as one that hath obtained mercy of the Lord to be faithful . . . But I would have you
without carefulness [worry]. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord,
how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world,
how he may please his wife . . . And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast
a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord
without distraction" (I Corinthians 7:25, 32, 33, 35).
Our daughters were typical girls in their early teens—they loved horses. Our eldest hopped on her very first horse and immediately put the pedal to the metal. If she wasn’t galloping, she wasn’t riding.
Our younger daughter wouldn’t break a walk for weeks. Where we might have interpreted this hesitation as fear, the horse didn’t. Neither girl was ready to trot, but the one who learned balance and communication at the slower pace, so she could apply balance and communication at the faster pace, was the one who really earned the horse’s trust. After a bit of experience, both girls realized that when horse and rider became one, they not only avoided injury but accomplished their goals with much more eloquence.
To some, pacing everything in life is natural. They walk, run, ride a bike, and then drive a car. However, impetuous and goal oriented people really have to work hard to hold back those reigns. Not only do we want to run, we want everyone else to run with us, which may or may not be in God’s timing. Prior to marriage, God has His part and you have yours to accomplish. Your role is first learn to trust God, to walk with God, and then to run.
Being single can be difficult in many ways. Consequently, coming to terms with delay takes not only decided planning, but conscious uplifting of ones self toward God not only as a distraction, but as the only beautiful coping mechanism for singleness. Perhaps those who would desire marriage will find some comfort here in being single.
The Lord tells us in Ecclesiastes 4:12, "And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken." We often speak of Christ as this third cord or the third side of a triangle giving strength to a marriage. In the most successful relationships, it is first you and Christ in union preparing for the third to join your team, which also means you will be the third to join your prospective mate’s team. God’s role is to facilitate your meeting of the right one, who will complete the team when all are ready and not a moment before - if you put your trust in Him. Easy to say, especially from one who is married, I know, but bear with me.
"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain" (Psalm 139:1–6 NIV). Christ alone knows exactly what and whom each of us needs for our life on earth and, more importantly, for eternity, and only He knows when the other team member is ready.
We often hear that delays in God providing "that one" suggest you aren't ready, that you haven't reached your best potential (for today) with God. This may be true - or not, but equally important is the fact that your potential mate may not yet be ready for one or more reasons ranging from financially to mentally, emotionally, socially, or . . . the list goes on. Christ may have something for one, or both, of you to learn, to conquer. If, on the other hand, He deems you are ready, a delay can be productive, facilitating a more complete submission to Him. Our difficulty comes from not knowing what He's thinking, yet it’s unsafe to guess at His thoughts. It's even less safe to run ahead, and that's where faith comes in.
He knows—He really knows, but it can be discouraging when you see no visible evidence of His guiding in your love life. The emotional part, or the lack of, is keenly felt, but God has a way of easing that, too. Yes, loneliness can be painful, but God leaves no one love-less. God meant for us to love and be loved. "And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." "Two are better than one" (Genesis 2:18; Ecclesiastes 4:9), but remember that you and God are the first two cords. If you find yourself single longer than you planned, consider that God is simply working behind the scenes, which takes time. When you have the best motives for seeking a relationship, you will likely find yourself content to be single until God’s wisdom sees otherwise, because you know that He knows.
Though you may not always see God’s forward momentum, He should see yours. If you are single longer than you'd like, it may have nothing to do with you, yet many will say, "I'm not going to change for anyone. Someone will have to love me as I am." There is some merit in that. You want to be loved for who you are. Where we should never change who we are for another, refinement isn't changing you. Waxing a car doesn't change the make or color, but it sure makes it shine! While you await that one "perfect" person, take a look in the literal and proverbial mirror just to be sure your shine cannot be overlooked.
Part of our walk with God involves self-examination. If God appreciates such effort, so will your future spouse. Nothing makes another person feel more loved than making the effort to remove any potential barriers, particularly in the way of aesthetics or habits. Make changes where needed but do so from the heart, as way too many "shines" are put on only to dull out immediately after the "I do."
Of course, there is no need to elaborate on worthy character traits such as honesty, virtuosity, and other godly values—you know those—but following we focus on those things often overlooked by the habit-bearer. These can be so subtle, and so obscure to self, that already-famous performers will pay Tom Jackson thousands of dollars to identify and improve their on-stage presentation so they can “win” their audience. It is amazing how "little" things like eye movements, posture, body language, and other subconscious habits can deter any potential in the first ten to fifteen seconds—be it for an audience, potential employers, or potential mates. You can’t afford to hire Tom? No worries. Following are some of the most common barriers we've seen in dating-relationships over the years.
Before I jump into the list of things we all (married people included) need to ask ourselves, it's important to evaluate our attitude. I recently heard a father ask his son if he was going to date Sarah, to which the son responded, "She isn't that attractive." I turned to see who spoke and wondered if the overweight, unkempt son had looked in the mirror? My point is not to criticize the speaker but to show how we are so often skewed by society, culture, our own self-assessment, and our motives without our own notice. If "looks" are the first in dating criteria, what was he really "looking" for? And what could he offer her in return? His unconscious double-standard is extremely common. Before moving on, a prayer for true humility is warranted.
The following may seem a bit daunting or negative, but as politically incorrect as it might be, sometimes things just need to be said straight up, negative or not, so here we go.
Questions we all need to ask ourselves
If you struggle with weight, we don’t want to leave you without hope. Tipping too much on the scale can usually be resolved by dividing your plate in quarters with each meal containing three-quarters fruits and veggies without butter, sauces, gravies, or syrups. The total combined meat and grains should fit in the last quarter—with no second servings of anything. You will want to increase your activity, drink eight glasses of water a day, and avoid carbonated beverages, caffeine, and snacks between meals. Write down all that you eat and drink every day. This simple plan will work with few exceptions. God is the strength of the overcomer, as Christ overcame, and you will be rewarded with good health and confidence as the mirror reflects a whole new outlook (pun intended ;-).
Remember that though our actions and behaviors are normal to us, that doesn’t make them normal – or appealing. Self-improvement is a godly trait, and God may want to see you properly caring for yourself before He trusts you to care for another—eternity may depend on it. Now is the best time to look in the mirror and be honest.
We also recommend sitting down with an honest, open, and unrelated older friend or two and go through this list together. Remember that they take a risk in giving honest answers, so respect their honesty by avoiding defensive behavior. Listen to them, take their advice as reality, and don’t brush it off. An initial inspection with goal-setting, followed by occasional rechecks, should be adequate without creating undue obsessions.
How to emotionally deal with singleness. . .
Occasionally we ask ourselves, "Do we really have to sit back and wait on God? Doesn't God use other means such as Internet dating sites." Can He? God can do anything, but what does that mean? Following are some thoughts on this very controversial subject, with a little biblical background thrown in the mix.
Singleness
"Now concerning virgins I have no commandment of the Lord: yet I give my judgment,
as one that hath obtained mercy of the Lord to be faithful . . . But I would have you
without carefulness [worry]. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord,
how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world,
how he may please his wife . . . And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast
a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord
without distraction" (I Corinthians 7:25, 32, 33, 35).
Our daughters were typical girls in their early teens—they loved horses. Our eldest hopped on her very first horse and immediately put the pedal to the metal. If she wasn’t galloping, she wasn’t riding.
Our younger daughter wouldn’t break a walk for weeks. Where we might have interpreted this hesitation as fear, the horse didn’t. Neither girl was ready to trot, but the one who learned balance and communication at the slower pace, so she could apply balance and communication at the faster pace, was the one who really earned the horse’s trust. After a bit of experience, both girls realized that when horse and rider became one, they not only avoided injury but accomplished their goals with much more eloquence.
To some, pacing everything in life is natural. They walk, run, ride a bike, and then drive a car. However, impetuous and goal oriented people really have to work hard to hold back those reigns. Not only do we want to run, we want everyone else to run with us, which may or may not be in God’s timing. Prior to marriage, God has His part and you have yours to accomplish. Your role is first learn to trust God, to walk with God, and then to run.
Being single can be difficult in many ways. Consequently, coming to terms with delay takes not only decided planning, but conscious uplifting of ones self toward God not only as a distraction, but as the only beautiful coping mechanism for singleness. Perhaps those who would desire marriage will find some comfort here in being single.
The Lord tells us in Ecclesiastes 4:12, "And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken." We often speak of Christ as this third cord or the third side of a triangle giving strength to a marriage. In the most successful relationships, it is first you and Christ in union preparing for the third to join your team, which also means you will be the third to join your prospective mate’s team. God’s role is to facilitate your meeting of the right one, who will complete the team when all are ready and not a moment before - if you put your trust in Him. Easy to say, especially from one who is married, I know, but bear with me.
"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain" (Psalm 139:1–6 NIV). Christ alone knows exactly what and whom each of us needs for our life on earth and, more importantly, for eternity, and only He knows when the other team member is ready.
We often hear that delays in God providing "that one" suggest you aren't ready, that you haven't reached your best potential (for today) with God. This may be true - or not, but equally important is the fact that your potential mate may not yet be ready for one or more reasons ranging from financially to mentally, emotionally, socially, or . . . the list goes on. Christ may have something for one, or both, of you to learn, to conquer. If, on the other hand, He deems you are ready, a delay can be productive, facilitating a more complete submission to Him. Our difficulty comes from not knowing what He's thinking, yet it’s unsafe to guess at His thoughts. It's even less safe to run ahead, and that's where faith comes in.
He knows—He really knows, but it can be discouraging when you see no visible evidence of His guiding in your love life. The emotional part, or the lack of, is keenly felt, but God has a way of easing that, too. Yes, loneliness can be painful, but God leaves no one love-less. God meant for us to love and be loved. "And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." "Two are better than one" (Genesis 2:18; Ecclesiastes 4:9), but remember that you and God are the first two cords. If you find yourself single longer than you planned, consider that God is simply working behind the scenes, which takes time. When you have the best motives for seeking a relationship, you will likely find yourself content to be single until God’s wisdom sees otherwise, because you know that He knows.
Though you may not always see God’s forward momentum, He should see yours. If you are single longer than you'd like, it may have nothing to do with you, yet many will say, "I'm not going to change for anyone. Someone will have to love me as I am." There is some merit in that. You want to be loved for who you are. Where we should never change who we are for another, refinement isn't changing you. Waxing a car doesn't change the make or color, but it sure makes it shine! While you await that one "perfect" person, take a look in the literal and proverbial mirror just to be sure your shine cannot be overlooked.
Part of our walk with God involves self-examination. If God appreciates such effort, so will your future spouse. Nothing makes another person feel more loved than making the effort to remove any potential barriers, particularly in the way of aesthetics or habits. Make changes where needed but do so from the heart, as way too many "shines" are put on only to dull out immediately after the "I do."
Of course, there is no need to elaborate on worthy character traits such as honesty, virtuosity, and other godly values—you know those—but following we focus on those things often overlooked by the habit-bearer. These can be so subtle, and so obscure to self, that already-famous performers will pay Tom Jackson thousands of dollars to identify and improve their on-stage presentation so they can “win” their audience. It is amazing how "little" things like eye movements, posture, body language, and other subconscious habits can deter any potential in the first ten to fifteen seconds—be it for an audience, potential employers, or potential mates. You can’t afford to hire Tom? No worries. Following are some of the most common barriers we've seen in dating-relationships over the years.
Before I jump into the list of things we all (married people included) need to ask ourselves, it's important to evaluate our attitude. I recently heard a father ask his son if he was going to date Sarah, to which the son responded, "She isn't that attractive." I turned to see who spoke and wondered if the overweight, unkempt son had looked in the mirror? My point is not to criticize the speaker but to show how we are so often skewed by society, culture, our own self-assessment, and our motives without our own notice. If "looks" are the first in dating criteria, what was he really "looking" for? And what could he offer her in return? His unconscious double-standard is extremely common. Before moving on, a prayer for true humility is warranted.
The following may seem a bit daunting or negative, but as politically incorrect as it might be, sometimes things just need to be said straight up, negative or not, so here we go.
Questions we all need to ask ourselves
- First and foremost, how are my double standards?
- Do I have good health habits, shower and brush my teeth daily, and have a dental cleanings at least every couple of years? Do I wash and comb my hair daily, and are my clothes clean? Do I pick at finger nails or sores? Do I appreciate a natural appearance, or is my make-up layered and unnatural? Are my living quarters clean or unkempt and dirty? Do I demonstrate a belief that cleanliness is next to godliness?
- How are my eating habits? Do I "eat like a hog" in manner, quality, or quantity? We once heard a story of a young lady who, on a dinner date, surprisingly discovered her dessert plate was perfectly clean. She made such a habit of licking her plate at home that she didn’t realize she had done so in public with her date sitting across the table. They didn’t go out again. It is best to practice the same self-control at home, because our "sins" will find us out.
- Are we healthy, active, and fit, or grossly overweight? Where overweight people certainly deserve love, the respect essential in marriage may be lacking toward those who choose not to control their appetites. It is but a symptom of self-indulgence (so common and so serious that appetite was the very first temptation presented to Christ in the wilderness), and that self-indulgent struggle can gravitate into other critical areas of life.
- The avoidance of responsibility is also a troubling trait, for example - few people take full responsibility for their weight.
If you struggle with weight, we don’t want to leave you without hope. Tipping too much on the scale can usually be resolved by dividing your plate in quarters with each meal containing three-quarters fruits and veggies without butter, sauces, gravies, or syrups. The total combined meat and grains should fit in the last quarter—with no second servings of anything. You will want to increase your activity, drink eight glasses of water a day, and avoid carbonated beverages, caffeine, and snacks between meals. Write down all that you eat and drink every day. This simple plan will work with few exceptions. God is the strength of the overcomer, as Christ overcame, and you will be rewarded with good health and confidence as the mirror reflects a whole new outlook (pun intended ;-).
- Do I carry myself with decorum (meaning Christ-like mannerisms) in public and private, or am I loud and obnoxious? How do I treat those who serve: the pizza man, the checker, the receptionist, or even the phone solicitor who is just trying to make a living? Are we empathetic and forgiving or critical? Do I show off to others or intentionally draw attention to myself? Do I walk with dignity as a child of God, or does my posture imply a lack of self-worth? You are worth every drop of blood to our Savior. We can all stand straight and tall, even if already very tall, and show that we believe God values us. It has been proven that changing habits changes thought processes, and eventually it will sink in that God does value us—and other people will begin to see it as well.
- Am I arrogant? Arrogance is a characteristic hidden only to the owner. Am I amiable, teachable, or do I have all the answers?
- Am I attentive to others or self-focused? Who do I find as the recurrent topic of conversations, myself and my activities or other's? Do I listen when others speak, or do I talk over them, interrupting or considering my next words instead of hearing?
- Do people feel valued when in my presence?
- There is always a blessing to see in everything, should we choose to focus on blessings. Do I focus on the positive or the negative side of people and life? Do I feel blessed or frequently feel sorry for myself? Few people enjoy being around a negative person, but negative thoughts are often so natural that many can’t see how much emotional energy it takes for others to be around him or her.
Remember that though our actions and behaviors are normal to us, that doesn’t make them normal – or appealing. Self-improvement is a godly trait, and God may want to see you properly caring for yourself before He trusts you to care for another—eternity may depend on it. Now is the best time to look in the mirror and be honest.
We also recommend sitting down with an honest, open, and unrelated older friend or two and go through this list together. Remember that they take a risk in giving honest answers, so respect their honesty by avoiding defensive behavior. Listen to them, take their advice as reality, and don’t brush it off. An initial inspection with goal-setting, followed by occasional rechecks, should be adequate without creating undue obsessions.
How to emotionally deal with singleness. . .
- Some may feel unappealing or unworthy if no one has ever expressed interest in him or her. When discouraged, keep in mind that God will often put certain people together to prepare one or both for His ultimate plan, though he or she may not be "the one." Some people can prepare for marriage outside of painful-relationship-experiences and others cannot. If the relationship is destined to fail, you don't want it anyway. Should God avoid subjecting you to a failed relationship while awaiting your future spouse's readiness, you can praise His name that you haven’t experienced that heartache, a lack of which may make that lifelong relationship all the more special.
- It also isn’t uncommon, after an especially painful dating experience, that an individual gives up looking. They’ve "had it" with relationships and convince themselves that it’s just a lot easier to stay single. God often allows just enough pain in our self-sought relationships to cause us to give up. Once we are not actively seeking a mate, we are out of His way long enough that He can now work.
- This one piece of advice may seem counter productive on the surface from a single's point of view, but really hear what I'm saying. There are those whose spouse turns completely worldly and the courts determine how much time the kids will spend with that parent in spite of the alcoholic live-in, where adulterous betrayal has become a trade name in the home, or the spouse runs up massive debt but won't work. Though we never believe that will happen to us, neither did they - which means it can happen to us, as well. There are many other scenarios I need not describe. If God, in His mercy, is saving you from such an experience by keeping you single, that's praiseworthy. You may appropriately console your emotions by wholeheartedly knowing that there are worse things than singleness.
- You may feel as though you will be single forever, but who knows? When on God’s team, you might see some incredible miracles both within yourself and around you – when you least expect. Above all, continue to rejoice in the Lord no matter your circumstances, which is always a beautiful trait with which to draw others.
Occasionally we ask ourselves, "Do we really have to sit back and wait on God? Doesn't God use other means such as Internet dating sites." Can He? God can do anything, but what does that mean? Following are some thoughts on this very controversial subject, with a little biblical background thrown in the mix.
