Caution: Up To Date is designed to be read in a linear fashion, as each chapter builds on principles established in the previous chapters. For your best relationship success, begin with the introduction and progress chapter by chapter.
Chapter Eighteen
The Initiation
After all these long chapters, it is time to take action. “But how?” you ask. Here goes, Guys. This is your role now, and it's a very complicated two step process, so pay attention: 1) ask her out, and 2) take her out. There, that was easy!
Wait. Hold it! I was just kidding. There are a few guidelines you need to know about timing. However, it really is that simple, sort of. Your timing depends on how long you have known her and what your interaction has been up until now. Let’s review.
If you just met her, observe her at somewhat of a distance for six months—longer is better—if you are seeing her around the community or church on a regular basis. And by “seeing” I mean literally visualizing, not “seeing” as a date. But, during that time you should not single her out, ask her to go anywhere, or give her any special attention (including studying together)—nothing other than observing and occasional conversation in a group setting. If she has a flat tire, help her change it, but unless it is that drastic, do not give her special attention – no hinting. This sounds crazy, but a very good reason follows.
The better hidden you keep your interest before asking, the more successful will be your long-term dating should she say yes. Again, besides her parents, she should be the first to know. That doesn’t mean that she is to be the first to guess or the first to be hinted toward. Rather, she should be the first to know. In other words, avoid flirting or dropping hints and trying to get a feel of what she thinks before asking. Though flirting is generally accepted as fun, if put into true perspective, it reeks of cowardice, a characteristic unattractive to any girl. Of all the dating behaviors noted by our young resources, flirting or hinting creates the most confusion and heartache and was identified as the most destructive of all pre-dating behavior. She is to know, but to know, you have to tell her. Save flirting for after dating has been initiated, and then we call it wooing.
You might be concerned that someone will come along and sweep her off her feet during those six months? If the scenario changes, it was not meant to be – at this point anyway. Remember the part God has to play and that you must have faith in Him. He sets up the scenario and you take action . . . when the time is right. We’ve seen the dangers of instant gratification, of mix-and-pour relationships. Take your time. Don’t jump ahead of God, but don’t lag behind either. We don’t suggest snoozing long, but if you just met her, your character is not only built but honored for your prudence over impatient spontaneity.
Providing that you are prepared as described in previous chapters, that you are ready to consider working toward a marriage relationship, you have known her six months to a year, you know that you like her, and you want to date her, then it is time to make your move—deliberately, single mindedly, take the risk. To face potential rejection is tough, but that’s the responsibility that comes with the privilege of choosing who to ask. Exercising this responsibility builds the emotional muscle that makes you a godly priest of the family.
So, 1) ask her out, and 2) take her out.
Go directly to her and let her know that you have noticed her, you are interested in getting to know her better in an exclusive dating friendship, her parents have approved, and you would like her permission as well. This isn’t the time to worry about outdoing the other guy or being really creative. It isn’t a proposal of marriage. Keep it simple.
Give her time
If you have done your job well by not giving her undue attention, she will likely be in a state of surprise. If she needs a day to think it over, let her—but she shouldn’t need longer. Normally she would answer immediately if she were really interested, but if she is surprised, it is only respectful to give her a day to think about it. Respond to her surprise with a simple, “I’ll check back with you tomorrow,” give her a big smile and say, “see you then.” Nothing else need be said.
Undecided?
Let me repeat some critical information here: normally she could answer immediately if she were really interested. Surprised or not, if she doesn’t answer with a resounding “yes” within twenty-four hours, consider what that means—it’s not a good sign. If she isn’t sure at that point, just let her know, gently, that since she is unsure, you will retract your offer and allow her to consider all her options without undue pressure. Let her know that you may or may not make another offer, but you are willing to follow God’s lead. This might leave her wondering about the future, which we would normally never do, but in this case it is OK. She is undecided, which is making a choice. Any delay would just be putting you off or leaving you hanging—she has too many distractions and isn’t serious enough about you no matter her excuse. As you will see, indecisiveness is treated with much greater caution than receiving a refusal. Waiting any longer, or pursuing as one would for a refusal, would neither be productive nor astute. You may, if you like, graciously repeat the invitation one time later (one time only), but do not flirt, hint, pursue, or give attention in the interim. On the second asking, you should expect an immediate answer, and if she refuses or asks for a delay, thank her and move graciously along. She has had plenty of time for consideration, and she is not for you.
No way!
When you asked, she was not undecided, but quite decidedly refused you. Now what? Well, don’t be discouraged. You have some options. Some guys have pursued and won, some have pursued and lost, and others just accept the answer and moved on. Any one of these is risky, but all are perfectly acceptable.
If you do decide to pursue her, do not do so longer than six months to one year, and that may very well be pushing it. It is your time and effort, so be as patient as seems appropriate to you. Give her some space, woo her indirectly, but only intermittently. Anything else would be considered pushy or stalking, neither of which will gain you favor. Ask again after six months or a year, and if refused, it is time to move on.
Yes!
If she says “yes,” congratulations! Woohoo! You are dating—exclusively. At this point, you can say she is your girlfriend and he is your boyfriend, in the best sense of the word. You can ask her to go places, study with her, and make scheduled dating appointments. You can call and email each other, show each other special attention, and woo each other within biblical parameters.
Wooing
This “wooing” scares many guys, because they don’t see themselves efficient in this area. If you are one who worries, do not despair. Ahead is an entire chapter on wooing. Whatever you do, don’t start this process until you have read the rest of this book, which includes critical information about what to say and what not to say, what to do and what not to do. Also, you may go through some surprising emotions related to this new relationship. It’s important to be aware of those and to pace the relationship. These are lined out in future chapters, so don’t worry. You’ll do great!
Goals
You are now committed to this friend with the idea of spending enough time together to get to know each other while reaching toward a common goal. That goal is not marriage. Rather, it is to determine whether marriage is an option, whether you want to spend your whole life hanging out with this friend. If that goal is proven, then you begin to work toward the goal of marriage. In the mean time, hang out—slowly.
How much attention?
You can start hanging out with her now but not every day all the time. You should not be texting each other all day every day. Text if you have a reason, such as setting up a date. Stick to business in those interactions. Time spent should be well defined and controlled rather than random and spontaneous. For the entire first year of dating, calls, emails and/or dates should be no more than about three to four times a week, and that might be pushing things. Any more will take you down that path way too fast. This pacing will take self-control.
What next?
Let’s recap: parents are all about it, she is all about it, and you are in a new relationship—party time, smooth sailing, right? Well, you know by now that I have more to say, that something else is coming. “Great. Here comes another damper.” you say. No, no, no . . . it’s just that, well, we are in a cosmic battle, and Satan isn’t going to sit idly by. This is a time that you might experience some surprising emotions. You may discover that you really don’t feel like partying now that you are committed to a relationship. So, what is normal to feel right now, and what isn’t? Let’s check it out . . . .
The Initiation
After all these long chapters, it is time to take action. “But how?” you ask. Here goes, Guys. This is your role now, and it's a very complicated two step process, so pay attention: 1) ask her out, and 2) take her out. There, that was easy!
Wait. Hold it! I was just kidding. There are a few guidelines you need to know about timing. However, it really is that simple, sort of. Your timing depends on how long you have known her and what your interaction has been up until now. Let’s review.
If you just met her, observe her at somewhat of a distance for six months—longer is better—if you are seeing her around the community or church on a regular basis. And by “seeing” I mean literally visualizing, not “seeing” as a date. But, during that time you should not single her out, ask her to go anywhere, or give her any special attention (including studying together)—nothing other than observing and occasional conversation in a group setting. If she has a flat tire, help her change it, but unless it is that drastic, do not give her special attention – no hinting. This sounds crazy, but a very good reason follows.
The better hidden you keep your interest before asking, the more successful will be your long-term dating should she say yes. Again, besides her parents, she should be the first to know. That doesn’t mean that she is to be the first to guess or the first to be hinted toward. Rather, she should be the first to know. In other words, avoid flirting or dropping hints and trying to get a feel of what she thinks before asking. Though flirting is generally accepted as fun, if put into true perspective, it reeks of cowardice, a characteristic unattractive to any girl. Of all the dating behaviors noted by our young resources, flirting or hinting creates the most confusion and heartache and was identified as the most destructive of all pre-dating behavior. She is to know, but to know, you have to tell her. Save flirting for after dating has been initiated, and then we call it wooing.
You might be concerned that someone will come along and sweep her off her feet during those six months? If the scenario changes, it was not meant to be – at this point anyway. Remember the part God has to play and that you must have faith in Him. He sets up the scenario and you take action . . . when the time is right. We’ve seen the dangers of instant gratification, of mix-and-pour relationships. Take your time. Don’t jump ahead of God, but don’t lag behind either. We don’t suggest snoozing long, but if you just met her, your character is not only built but honored for your prudence over impatient spontaneity.
Providing that you are prepared as described in previous chapters, that you are ready to consider working toward a marriage relationship, you have known her six months to a year, you know that you like her, and you want to date her, then it is time to make your move—deliberately, single mindedly, take the risk. To face potential rejection is tough, but that’s the responsibility that comes with the privilege of choosing who to ask. Exercising this responsibility builds the emotional muscle that makes you a godly priest of the family.
So, 1) ask her out, and 2) take her out.
Go directly to her and let her know that you have noticed her, you are interested in getting to know her better in an exclusive dating friendship, her parents have approved, and you would like her permission as well. This isn’t the time to worry about outdoing the other guy or being really creative. It isn’t a proposal of marriage. Keep it simple.
Give her time
If you have done your job well by not giving her undue attention, she will likely be in a state of surprise. If she needs a day to think it over, let her—but she shouldn’t need longer. Normally she would answer immediately if she were really interested, but if she is surprised, it is only respectful to give her a day to think about it. Respond to her surprise with a simple, “I’ll check back with you tomorrow,” give her a big smile and say, “see you then.” Nothing else need be said.
Undecided?
Let me repeat some critical information here: normally she could answer immediately if she were really interested. Surprised or not, if she doesn’t answer with a resounding “yes” within twenty-four hours, consider what that means—it’s not a good sign. If she isn’t sure at that point, just let her know, gently, that since she is unsure, you will retract your offer and allow her to consider all her options without undue pressure. Let her know that you may or may not make another offer, but you are willing to follow God’s lead. This might leave her wondering about the future, which we would normally never do, but in this case it is OK. She is undecided, which is making a choice. Any delay would just be putting you off or leaving you hanging—she has too many distractions and isn’t serious enough about you no matter her excuse. As you will see, indecisiveness is treated with much greater caution than receiving a refusal. Waiting any longer, or pursuing as one would for a refusal, would neither be productive nor astute. You may, if you like, graciously repeat the invitation one time later (one time only), but do not flirt, hint, pursue, or give attention in the interim. On the second asking, you should expect an immediate answer, and if she refuses or asks for a delay, thank her and move graciously along. She has had plenty of time for consideration, and she is not for you.
No way!
When you asked, she was not undecided, but quite decidedly refused you. Now what? Well, don’t be discouraged. You have some options. Some guys have pursued and won, some have pursued and lost, and others just accept the answer and moved on. Any one of these is risky, but all are perfectly acceptable.
If you do decide to pursue her, do not do so longer than six months to one year, and that may very well be pushing it. It is your time and effort, so be as patient as seems appropriate to you. Give her some space, woo her indirectly, but only intermittently. Anything else would be considered pushy or stalking, neither of which will gain you favor. Ask again after six months or a year, and if refused, it is time to move on.
Yes!
If she says “yes,” congratulations! Woohoo! You are dating—exclusively. At this point, you can say she is your girlfriend and he is your boyfriend, in the best sense of the word. You can ask her to go places, study with her, and make scheduled dating appointments. You can call and email each other, show each other special attention, and woo each other within biblical parameters.
Wooing
This “wooing” scares many guys, because they don’t see themselves efficient in this area. If you are one who worries, do not despair. Ahead is an entire chapter on wooing. Whatever you do, don’t start this process until you have read the rest of this book, which includes critical information about what to say and what not to say, what to do and what not to do. Also, you may go through some surprising emotions related to this new relationship. It’s important to be aware of those and to pace the relationship. These are lined out in future chapters, so don’t worry. You’ll do great!
Goals
You are now committed to this friend with the idea of spending enough time together to get to know each other while reaching toward a common goal. That goal is not marriage. Rather, it is to determine whether marriage is an option, whether you want to spend your whole life hanging out with this friend. If that goal is proven, then you begin to work toward the goal of marriage. In the mean time, hang out—slowly.
How much attention?
You can start hanging out with her now but not every day all the time. You should not be texting each other all day every day. Text if you have a reason, such as setting up a date. Stick to business in those interactions. Time spent should be well defined and controlled rather than random and spontaneous. For the entire first year of dating, calls, emails and/or dates should be no more than about three to four times a week, and that might be pushing things. Any more will take you down that path way too fast. This pacing will take self-control.
What next?
Let’s recap: parents are all about it, she is all about it, and you are in a new relationship—party time, smooth sailing, right? Well, you know by now that I have more to say, that something else is coming. “Great. Here comes another damper.” you say. No, no, no . . . it’s just that, well, we are in a cosmic battle, and Satan isn’t going to sit idly by. This is a time that you might experience some surprising emotions. You may discover that you really don’t feel like partying now that you are committed to a relationship. So, what is normal to feel right now, and what isn’t? Let’s check it out . . . .
