Caution: Up To Date is designed to be read in a linear fashion, as each chapter builds on principles established in the previous chapters. For your best relationship success, begin with the introduction and progress chapter by chapter.
Chapter Twenty-one
Stop, Look, and Listen
“Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents,
and harmless as doves” (Matthew 10:16).
“To acquire knowledge, one must study; but to acquire wisdom, one must observe."1
I enjoy playing table games. Dan would rather go biking, but he will accommodate my wishes, often leaving me defeated but not dejected. I still have fun. Settlers of Catan . . . well, that’s a different story. For some reason we are both drawn toward this fast-paced, strategic battlefield to the point that we have invested in the expansion game, ships, water, more ships, more water, and more resource cards until we have a “little gold mine” of accessories. Some people think we are crazy, but few refuse to play with such a plethora of resources and pleasant competitive energy. We all have a great time together. Even though I don’t always win, I know that my time is coming.
Games in a relationship are a completely different matter, yet similar. Some people like to play them at the other’s expense, and they will even cheat to win. Others just refuse to play games at all, which is the better of the two choices, of course, but there is a middle of the road – a place you might want to discover. This person plays by the book, and might even get burned, but he or she learns a lot and wins in the long run.
However unpleasant the thought of game-playing in a relationship, we should recognize that strategy is our key to winning, and if God blesses, it can only be win/win no matter the outcome. If some call that game playing, I suggest we get on board and make it fun. Let’s think of it as a riddle, an intrigue, a treasure hunt, or maybe it’s best described as charades.
We call it “Stop, Look, and Listen”.
Rules of the game:
· If the concept or principle isn't demonstrated while dating - without prompting – don’t count on it in marriage no matter what he or she says.
· If the concept or principle is demonstrated due to your suggestion, you cannot count on it during marriage no matter what he or she tells you.
· If the concept or principle is demonstrated while dating without any suggestions from anyone else, you may or may not count it in for
marriage, depending on whether those demonstrations continued the entire three years without reminder.
It’s all about being from the heart.
Someone once asked, “If I just ask all the right questions, can’t I just glean everything I need to know to decide whether he or she is the right one, and then I’m not wasting my time dating the wrong one?”
In this cosmic battle, answered questions may not supply you with 100 percent trustworthy facts. Several factors contribute to this “misinformation,” and the response may not at all be intended to mislead. It is possible the person may be dishonest, but more likely they may, without thinking, tell you what they believe you want to hear instead of what they actually feel or do (after all, they are wooing you), they may tell you what they believe is right with good intentions but isn’t really their practice, they may tell you what they want to believe about themselves (their goals) but it is not yet in effect, or they don’t really know themselves as well as they believe. Either way, the odds of a complete, unbiased disclosure is not as common as we would hope. This misleading, intentional or not, leads to big surprises (and disappointments) later when you discover that your educated decisions weren’t as educated as you thought.
Just as important as observation is the fun-factor. Few people see fun as productive, much less important, but it is important. Should you marry, this is the fodder of reminiscing for years to come, the bonds that hold you together, and the incentive to rekindle the twitterpation when “life” gets in the way. During the first year, enjoying each other, friends, activities, and just having fun - without pressure - is critical. As long as you enjoy life within biblical standards keeping Jesus with you always, and maintain your responsibilities outside the relationship as well, party on – just party with your eyes open.
So stop . . .
Here is where discerning people stop asking questions and pull out those godly discerning tools.
In essence, our observations alone, without suggestion, question, or reminder to them, will reveal what his or her heart naturally wants in life. What is in the heart, negative or positive, will come into the marriage, so make your relationship decisions based on the natural traits revealed without expressing your opinions.
If he or she is a good date, he or she will figure out your preferences by watching you, thus allowing him or her to assimilate similar character traits into his or her own heart-values, without pressure. It becomes a part of him or her naturally – or not. Marriage is about oneness, and silence the first year begins that process naturally. If he or she truly is a good potential mate for you, you’ll be able to see steps toward true togetherness without saying a word.
Of course, for the pendulum swingers, we don’t mean don’t talk to him or her at all. We don’t mean to hide from him or her your favorite color, but we reference a few more serious topics like . . . well, let’s take a look at some of the most important character traits that can be discerned through observation:
Lets Look
· Caste, prejudice, or all inclusive?
· Financial responsibility or frivolous spending?
· Intelligence, wisdom, or both?
· Humility or arrogance related to all character trait, braggart?
· Compassionate or hard-hearted, lacking in understanding?
· Loyalty or following peers?
· Educational criteria or lack of?
· Verbal skill / communication skills – able to express thoughts or clams up?
· Controlling or amiable – able to make a decision and do so appropriately?
· Attitude toward and treatment of children – a soul or a bother?
· Respect for you and others – treats you like a prince or princess?
· Vices: smoking, alcohol, drugs?
· Humor – healthy, non-negative or at other’s expense, laughs at self?
· Conflict resolution – addresses as needed or ignores issues?
· Emotional control or outbursts, withdrawal?
· Flirtatiousness (find someone else ;-)
· Trustworthy (one betrayal is enough)?
· Self-motivated, good work ethic, lazy, will only work for high pay, or refuses work if not ideal?
· Health – self motivated
· Selflessness, selflessness if benefits him or her, or selfishness / self-focused as a rule?
· Hygiene – self-motivated
· Outdoorsy or city-fied
· Church commitments – non-committal, obsessed, or balanced
And the list is endless . . . .
It's not all about finding things in common. My mom used to tell me, “You won’t find anyone faultless, so just choose the one with the faults with which you can live.” That’s astute advice.
In keeping your eyes open, you will want to choose a marriage partner based on the positive principles you see and analyze, apart from the person, the individual traits or habits with which you can or can’t live. Most young people don’t really understand that the annoyance factor will exponentially increase (that’s at least 10 times) after ten years of marriage. Denial will not be your friend here. Acknowledging in advance the “exponential-annoyance-factor” may or may not make a difference in which mate you choose, but it will make the following 60 + years much easier to work through; especially if you continue to relish the positive traits that drew you, that made you decide you could live with that fault.
Strategy for year-one: have a lot of fun together, avoid serious topics, and do what we all love to do anyway--watch our date.
Listen
When choosing a potential candidate for marriage, he or she should either meet, or be well on the way to meeting, the criteria discussed in previous chapters: spiritual, mental, emotional, and practical, but we obviously need more specific information about this person, at some point, in order to make a really good decision about marriage. This is where second-year strategy comes into play.
After dating a year you can begin casually asking these same questions, hit and miss, here and there, to see if their statements now add up to what you have observed in their actions. The most important, yet most difficult task, is to interpret the answers by his pattern of behavior, not from your own perspective, perception, or desire. In other words, if his or her actions don’t match his or her words, we naturally tend to rationalize in our own minds to line them up together. We usually do this without realizing what we’ve done. We might say, “He or she is having a bad day,” or “what he really meant was . . . ,” “the way she said it, she must have been joking . . . .” The listening strategy in years two and three must include advanced awareness and determination to see it as you see it and hear it as you hear it, analyzing rather than excusing any discrepancies. If the answers coincide with the actions, then move forward without fear but keep your eyes open—continue to watch, look and . . . listen.
It seems a lot to balance: have fun but spy on them? No, we aren’t saying that. Have fun and just keep your eyes open - that’s all. As mentioned, that's what we love to do anyway, which leads us into our next chapter - you know, that other thing we all love to do!
1 http://thinkexist.com
Stop, Look, and Listen
“Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents,
and harmless as doves” (Matthew 10:16).
“To acquire knowledge, one must study; but to acquire wisdom, one must observe."1
I enjoy playing table games. Dan would rather go biking, but he will accommodate my wishes, often leaving me defeated but not dejected. I still have fun. Settlers of Catan . . . well, that’s a different story. For some reason we are both drawn toward this fast-paced, strategic battlefield to the point that we have invested in the expansion game, ships, water, more ships, more water, and more resource cards until we have a “little gold mine” of accessories. Some people think we are crazy, but few refuse to play with such a plethora of resources and pleasant competitive energy. We all have a great time together. Even though I don’t always win, I know that my time is coming.
Games in a relationship are a completely different matter, yet similar. Some people like to play them at the other’s expense, and they will even cheat to win. Others just refuse to play games at all, which is the better of the two choices, of course, but there is a middle of the road – a place you might want to discover. This person plays by the book, and might even get burned, but he or she learns a lot and wins in the long run.
However unpleasant the thought of game-playing in a relationship, we should recognize that strategy is our key to winning, and if God blesses, it can only be win/win no matter the outcome. If some call that game playing, I suggest we get on board and make it fun. Let’s think of it as a riddle, an intrigue, a treasure hunt, or maybe it’s best described as charades.
We call it “Stop, Look, and Listen”.
Rules of the game:
· If the concept or principle isn't demonstrated while dating - without prompting – don’t count on it in marriage no matter what he or she says.
· If the concept or principle is demonstrated due to your suggestion, you cannot count on it during marriage no matter what he or she tells you.
· If the concept or principle is demonstrated while dating without any suggestions from anyone else, you may or may not count it in for
marriage, depending on whether those demonstrations continued the entire three years without reminder.
It’s all about being from the heart.
Someone once asked, “If I just ask all the right questions, can’t I just glean everything I need to know to decide whether he or she is the right one, and then I’m not wasting my time dating the wrong one?”
In this cosmic battle, answered questions may not supply you with 100 percent trustworthy facts. Several factors contribute to this “misinformation,” and the response may not at all be intended to mislead. It is possible the person may be dishonest, but more likely they may, without thinking, tell you what they believe you want to hear instead of what they actually feel or do (after all, they are wooing you), they may tell you what they believe is right with good intentions but isn’t really their practice, they may tell you what they want to believe about themselves (their goals) but it is not yet in effect, or they don’t really know themselves as well as they believe. Either way, the odds of a complete, unbiased disclosure is not as common as we would hope. This misleading, intentional or not, leads to big surprises (and disappointments) later when you discover that your educated decisions weren’t as educated as you thought.
Just as important as observation is the fun-factor. Few people see fun as productive, much less important, but it is important. Should you marry, this is the fodder of reminiscing for years to come, the bonds that hold you together, and the incentive to rekindle the twitterpation when “life” gets in the way. During the first year, enjoying each other, friends, activities, and just having fun - without pressure - is critical. As long as you enjoy life within biblical standards keeping Jesus with you always, and maintain your responsibilities outside the relationship as well, party on – just party with your eyes open.
So stop . . .
Here is where discerning people stop asking questions and pull out those godly discerning tools.
In essence, our observations alone, without suggestion, question, or reminder to them, will reveal what his or her heart naturally wants in life. What is in the heart, negative or positive, will come into the marriage, so make your relationship decisions based on the natural traits revealed without expressing your opinions.
If he or she is a good date, he or she will figure out your preferences by watching you, thus allowing him or her to assimilate similar character traits into his or her own heart-values, without pressure. It becomes a part of him or her naturally – or not. Marriage is about oneness, and silence the first year begins that process naturally. If he or she truly is a good potential mate for you, you’ll be able to see steps toward true togetherness without saying a word.
Of course, for the pendulum swingers, we don’t mean don’t talk to him or her at all. We don’t mean to hide from him or her your favorite color, but we reference a few more serious topics like . . . well, let’s take a look at some of the most important character traits that can be discerned through observation:
Lets Look
· Caste, prejudice, or all inclusive?
· Financial responsibility or frivolous spending?
· Intelligence, wisdom, or both?
· Humility or arrogance related to all character trait, braggart?
· Compassionate or hard-hearted, lacking in understanding?
· Loyalty or following peers?
· Educational criteria or lack of?
· Verbal skill / communication skills – able to express thoughts or clams up?
· Controlling or amiable – able to make a decision and do so appropriately?
· Attitude toward and treatment of children – a soul or a bother?
· Respect for you and others – treats you like a prince or princess?
· Vices: smoking, alcohol, drugs?
· Humor – healthy, non-negative or at other’s expense, laughs at self?
· Conflict resolution – addresses as needed or ignores issues?
· Emotional control or outbursts, withdrawal?
· Flirtatiousness (find someone else ;-)
· Trustworthy (one betrayal is enough)?
· Self-motivated, good work ethic, lazy, will only work for high pay, or refuses work if not ideal?
· Health – self motivated
· Selflessness, selflessness if benefits him or her, or selfishness / self-focused as a rule?
· Hygiene – self-motivated
· Outdoorsy or city-fied
· Church commitments – non-committal, obsessed, or balanced
And the list is endless . . . .
It's not all about finding things in common. My mom used to tell me, “You won’t find anyone faultless, so just choose the one with the faults with which you can live.” That’s astute advice.
In keeping your eyes open, you will want to choose a marriage partner based on the positive principles you see and analyze, apart from the person, the individual traits or habits with which you can or can’t live. Most young people don’t really understand that the annoyance factor will exponentially increase (that’s at least 10 times) after ten years of marriage. Denial will not be your friend here. Acknowledging in advance the “exponential-annoyance-factor” may or may not make a difference in which mate you choose, but it will make the following 60 + years much easier to work through; especially if you continue to relish the positive traits that drew you, that made you decide you could live with that fault.
Strategy for year-one: have a lot of fun together, avoid serious topics, and do what we all love to do anyway--watch our date.
Listen
When choosing a potential candidate for marriage, he or she should either meet, or be well on the way to meeting, the criteria discussed in previous chapters: spiritual, mental, emotional, and practical, but we obviously need more specific information about this person, at some point, in order to make a really good decision about marriage. This is where second-year strategy comes into play.
After dating a year you can begin casually asking these same questions, hit and miss, here and there, to see if their statements now add up to what you have observed in their actions. The most important, yet most difficult task, is to interpret the answers by his pattern of behavior, not from your own perspective, perception, or desire. In other words, if his or her actions don’t match his or her words, we naturally tend to rationalize in our own minds to line them up together. We usually do this without realizing what we’ve done. We might say, “He or she is having a bad day,” or “what he really meant was . . . ,” “the way she said it, she must have been joking . . . .” The listening strategy in years two and three must include advanced awareness and determination to see it as you see it and hear it as you hear it, analyzing rather than excusing any discrepancies. If the answers coincide with the actions, then move forward without fear but keep your eyes open—continue to watch, look and . . . listen.
It seems a lot to balance: have fun but spy on them? No, we aren’t saying that. Have fun and just keep your eyes open - that’s all. As mentioned, that's what we love to do anyway, which leads us into our next chapter - you know, that other thing we all love to do!
1 http://thinkexist.com
