Caution: Up To Date is designed to be read in a linear fashion, as each chapter builds on principles established in the previous chapters. For your best relationship success, begin with the introduction and progress chapter by chapter.
Chapter Twenty-nine
Communication—Survival of the Fittest
“Teach me, and I will hold my tongue:
and cause me to understand wherein I have erred” (Job 6:24).
Communication is the lifeline of success in any relationship whether with your date, spouse, extended family, friend, or a cashier at your local grocery store. Effective communication functions in marriage like rivets that hold the wings on an airplane through hurricane winds. If one rivet is missing, battering winds wear at the seam until the wound is gaping and only a miracle can save anyone inside.
Many assume that because they are comfortable with their communication style, it is the most effective. Some just aren’t aware that there are proven methods to improve almost any interaction. Couples who prioritize communication as worthy of any self-sacrifice and effort find themselves more satisfied, less stressed, and all around happier.
In “Crying, Coping, and Confidence” we discussed the step-by-step method of conflict resolution. There are a few more communication patterns to develop before marriage which, when followed, will increase satisfaction especially during disagreements, the outcome being that of working toward a solution together, finding a common goal, and crossing the finish line on the same team.
Please note that the gender references in each paragraph may be intended or simply for the author’s convenience – I bet you’ll figure it out ;-)
1. The thesis of good communication is to focus on the problem and not the person. If the problem is frivolous spending, don’t allow your mind to wonder from money and this event’s impact on the budget to “you did this or that”—stick to the issue rather than who did what. The following instruction assumes this underlying premise is understood and kept on the forefront at all times.
2. Act and don’t react—stop to assess your feelings. When someone says something that makes you feel attacked, as though you need to make an excuses or justify something you did, that defensive feeling is your first clue to stop. Don’t say a word yet, but stop long enough to remind yourself that it is now time to act and not react, to ask questions as discussed below–calmly—instead of defending yourself.
3. In working through the problem, some people who stress may send a signal very different than they realize. He or she might not be as angry as he or she seems but may be passionate because this topic is very important to him or her. Consciously recognize this potential misrepresentation of feelings. By moving into conflict resolution mode, positioning yourself in a non-threatening manner, keeping your tone and volume at least one level below his or hers, along with applying the other communication techniques mentioned here, you can help dispel misconceived any perceptions.
4. Now ask . . . ask, ask, ask “me-questions” no matter who created the problem. Assumptions automatically create judgments, often incorrect, thereby creating defensiveness and a huge barrier to any progress. Asking questions that focus on resolution instead of placing blame will dispel both assumptions and anger. What are “me-questions?” you might ask. “What could I do differently that would help you? How do my actions affect you? What do my actions imply to you?” In turn, these will foster similar questions from his or her side. These questions, in this order, will show that the individual is more valuable to you than the issue is destructive, that you are a team, and that you can work with him or her toward a mutually acceptable resolution.
5. Listen – listen to what he or she is really saying without allowing yourself to get emotional or focusing on what you will say next. This will take some conscious effort and practice, especially if you are the one being confronted. By applying good listening skills you will often find that the issue impacted him or her in a way you never imagined, which makes his or her stress more understandable. You can also help the individual discover and recognized his or her own feelings about the subject on a more cognitive level because he or she knows it’s safe to explore feelings together. In getting down to the real issue, you can decrease the time spent arguing over what really doesn’t matter as well as decrease the chances of repeating the same misunderstanding later.
Classic example: picking up after oneself is to me a language of love. Why? If my husband picks up after himself instead of leaving it for me to do, I can spend less time doing chores while he is home and more time doing things with him. When he leaves messes for me, he is telling me that he doesn’t care about me, my time, or whether I spend any time with him. In other words, my interpretation is that he doesn’t really love me—“and actions speak louder than words.” In reality, he just didn’t want to clean up his mess right then, he wanted to do it later or maybe even never, but his decision to leave the mess had nothing to do with me. He believes the mess is the issue, but it’s really my feelings of rejection.
6. Once you have asked and learned the emotional impact from the situation, repeat back in your words what you understand the problem to be, how it impacted him, how he felt at the time of the incident, and how he would like you to handle it next time—or how he states he will handle it in the future should the miscommunication be on his side. Always ask if you interpreted the communication as they meant it to be understood, giving the opportunity to correct any misunderstandings.
7. Acknowledge her feelings with expressions like, “I didn’t understand that __________ (insert issue, i.e. leaving a mess) would have a reflection about my love for you. I have never put that together. I see how you could feel that way.” This doesn’t say that the other is right and you are at fault, but it acknowledges feelings – the keynote to acknowledging his or her value as a person. As noted before, acknowledging feelings (acknowledging their value as a person) is one of the most crucial keys to de-escalating any event, and it is very simple to do without compromising any principles.
8. At this point, brainstorm solutions together, respectfully negotiating a plan to resolve the issue of discontent—staying on topic. It is crucial to re-evaluate resolution progress on a pre-arranged future date, at which time you may need to start over or just tweak some parts of the plan. Always acknowledge any efforts toward the mutual goal.
9. Address issues as they come up or at least before you go to bed as the Bible says (Ephesians 4:26). I believe God is suggesting that we acknowledge issues and agree to work together toward resolving them be it that evening or systematically over the next few days; not everything can be completely resolved before bed. The keynote is that it isn’t healthy to let things brew. Even the smallest issue can create a small grieving process (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), which like our rivet, will grow out of proportion over time. As much as we’d all like to avoid confrontation and live in ignorant bliss, prompt, loving communication decreases assumptions and miscommunications, reducing potential emotional trauma and restoring a healthy relationship. If we could see the long-term problems we create for ourselves by fear of confrontation and delay, we’d all be fervent in approaching those we hurt or have hurt us. God’s advice is good, as always.
Verbatims
One can improve communication skills by practicing “verbatims.”
Verbatim Instructions: Initiate a conversation with someone lasting for about fifteen minutes on any topic, pen and paper in hand. Write each word spoken. These conversations move slowly but offer a great opportunity for slowing one’s brain down enough to listen and think before speaking without doing both at the same time. The main goal is to go back and see how many times in fifteen minutes the topic is changed; we nursing students were amazed at the frequency with which we changed the topic from the patient’s to our own . . . hmmmmm.
As we saw how often we switch topics, we learn to immediately recognize during the conversation when the topic falls away from the initial point. Refining this skill improves listening and allows open non-judgmental communication by keeping the topic on the issue and not the person, thereby preserving his or her dignity.
Verbatims are valuable tools, especially for children, but it’s never too late to benefit—and the sooner the better. Begin now and you will forever appreciate the skill, as will your friends and loved ones.
Gender dialects
Men and women differ in many ways of communicating. The books For Women Only and For Men Only are amazingly thorough in explaining this difference, which I will leave to Shanti and Jeff. There are a couple differences I want you to know now.
Men’s anger and women’s tears generally express the same emotions: the frustration of no longer being in control of his or her own situations. This “control” doesn’t mean the lack of getting their own way or that they want to be the boss. The emotion is often more like, “I don’t know what to do, how to fix it, nothing helps. I need things to change, I need to fix it, but I can’t do anything about it,” – that kind of out of control. It’s always best to communicate before emotions get to this point, but should these appear, using the above rules while reminding yourself of the underlying emotional feeling will help diffuse the moment.
We’ve also seen just enough of a difference between men and women with their respective verbal terms to cause unexpected issues. Some words mean one thing to a man and something different to a woman simply due to their differing focus in life. For example, “match” will mean to a guy something mechanical like whether it fits (matches) the engine or something you use to start a fire, a non-emotional word. For a woman, “match” is a description of aesthetics such as colors—nothing mechanical about it and very emotional. Though a basic example, when in a serious conversation using much bigger words, you will be amazed the impacts of skipping rule number six above.
The silent treatment
Lack of communication breeds suspicion. There is no way he or she can know if your silence is because you are cursing under your breath, you didn’t hear a word, you refuse to care, or you are just pondering the issues. If you aren’t sharing what you’re thinking during an emotional moment, it is very likely that the other person suspects you’re thinking negatively about him or her, especially if he or she is addressing an issue he or she would rather avoid.
The best way to avoid escalating anger or stress is to share what is going on in your brain while you think things through, even if you haven’t come to a solid conclusion. Be transparent. As long as you avoid blame and focus on the problem and not the person, letting him or her know that you are in the process of working through the situation, that you are intentionally making yourself vulnerable by opening your thoughts now, but you’d rather be vulnerable than make him or her feel vulnerable by your silence, and that what you speak now is not likely to be your final thought process, reminding him or her that it’s easier for you to continue being open if making yourself vulnerable is appreciated. This simple, but hard, step opens the way of learning how each other thinks, fostering better understanding over time.
It may take a great deal of conscious effort to speak when you normally would not, but it is really important and warrants a good try—again and again. Don’t ignore a problem or the person in the problem. At bare minimum, be verbal enough to say, “I am analyzing what you are saying” rather than just remaining silent. If you are privileged to be on the receiving end of this openness, calmly and carefully initiate the steps above or he/she may never take the risk of openness again.
Though couples may need a brief amount of quiet-time to settle into the defined resolution, the "silent treatment" being used as punishment and/or for extended periods of time after a disagreement would be a yellow or even a red flag as it hints at revengeful, immature, and/or manipulative personality characteristics.
“Nothing . . . “
“What’s wrong?” can be asked in either a sincere, loving, inquiring, aggressive, or defensive manner. The best way to encourage, rather than discourage, honest communication is to ask in either a loving way or at least with sincerity. Even if asked appropriately, but especially if asked any other way, the answer to “what’s wrong” often seems to be, “nothing.” Such a reply should sincerely mean that nothing is wrong rather than “I don’t want to talk about it” or “this isn’t the time.”
Though one gender has more of a reputation with using the word “nothing,” it really is a personality trait, which means that anyone, any gender, will use it if he or she was not taught another healthier method of communication. Though the “nothing” evasion can be a manipulative response, often it is his or her “best answer” due to fear of reaction or inability to communicate frustration appropriately.
The “nothing-is-wrong” communication used as an easy escape from conflict is dishonest and destructive. If he wants to know what is wrong—because he knows something is wrong—yet his inquiries are repulsed, he has just been taught to avoid being perceptive of your needs. In order to do that, he has to teach himself not to care. Often the vicious circle begins, and he cannot win no matter his efforts.
If you find yourself so upset by her attitude, behavior, aggressive hints, or perceived irritation that you are unable to inquire lovingly of her thoughts and feelings, you might want to delay asking. I would hope that if he or she is upset, he or she will voluntarily share, but that’s why marriage is a team. We often need help feeling accepted before stepping out of our comfort zone to do what is best—i.e. communicate.
Remember that communication comes in many forms such as a flower with a note asking, “What did I do? I want to fix it.” Dan and I keep a notebook on our bathroom counter. If either one of us have something to say and can’t seem to speak it, we’ll write a note about how we feel, why we feel that way, and that we’d like to talk – always acknowledging the other’s feelings in the note. Though some notes reference our issues, there are times when we don’t feel adept at verbalizing our love, appreciation, how blessed we feel to be a part of each other’s lives, or what an awesome job he did on initiating the conversation on a “hot” topic between us. We now have a journal of our love reminding us of all the beautiful things between us and, in review, those issues weren’t as big as they seemed at the time . . . and more love follows.
Though the “nothing” issue is rarely significant during the early dating process, it may rear its head during engagement decision-making and continue into marriage if not intentionally prevented or arrested early in the relationship. Establishing effective and considerate communication skills now will make marriage way more fun in the long run.
Manipulation versus motivation
Manipulation is when you persuade a person to do something that appears in their best interest but is instead really in your best interest. I believe this is an element of co-dependency. Though manipulation is deceptive, it is too often used, destroying faith and trust in the relationship. Sometimes manipulative people tend to have deceived themselves as well as those around them and few are they that arrest this personality trait.
Motivation, on the other hand, is when the goal actually benefits the other person or both individuals, contributing to a high-morale partnership while working toward the goal.
If you are unsure which method of teamwork rules your relationship, you will want to consider scheduling with a good Christian counselor before too much time passes.
Additional communication tips
Some of the following tips are more related to marriage situations. Because you don't feel the same as listed below, that doesn't mean you won't after the honeymoon wears off. It may be helpful to know these so you can begin developing good habits now.
Communication Initiation
Women are often the ones to initiate difficult communication. It’s understandable why a man would be hesitant to broach a tough topic since he is likely to be subjected to prolonged venting, as we women do.
I challenge our masculine readers, as head of (or future head of) the household, to rise to your priestly calling no matter how undesirable the effort required. Whether you are right or wrong, if you humble yourself to simply say, "I’m sorry that I made you feel that way,” few women will remain judgmental and stubborn. Stepping out of your comfort zone, initiating the conversation, listening to her, and settling things in a godly manner will win her respect and love—and then you are irresistible to her. As head of the household, it is your responsibility, your right, and your privilege to win her heart this way again and again.
In essence
God is all about healthy relationships between individuals. He loves to bless each of us with all that He can, but some character building and self-control may be part of the equation. He will give you ample time to practice good communication, but previously frustrating interactions will become a positive exercise of your new-found skill. The more you practice, the more God will bless you, and those around you, with emotional fulfillment. Communication is either the largest barrier or the most effective tool in any relationship—a daily choice.
If we discover the rationale behind frustration, focus on the problem (not the person), and start action toward a solution, most people are very workable and will then hold such a good communicator in high esteem, which he or she deserves—he or she is working for God. It’s never too early or late to learn, but most need to be taught, and all need to practice. Though the skill doesn't come automatically, the joy of successful relations will. It’s actually quite exciting to see the results.
These communication skills should be well-practiced before giving practical application to the next chapter’s instructions. Being a very delicate issue, both you and your date will want to know how to best communicate before taking the next step—it’s a big one. Proceed with caution . . . .
Communication—Survival of the Fittest
“Teach me, and I will hold my tongue:
and cause me to understand wherein I have erred” (Job 6:24).
Communication is the lifeline of success in any relationship whether with your date, spouse, extended family, friend, or a cashier at your local grocery store. Effective communication functions in marriage like rivets that hold the wings on an airplane through hurricane winds. If one rivet is missing, battering winds wear at the seam until the wound is gaping and only a miracle can save anyone inside.
Many assume that because they are comfortable with their communication style, it is the most effective. Some just aren’t aware that there are proven methods to improve almost any interaction. Couples who prioritize communication as worthy of any self-sacrifice and effort find themselves more satisfied, less stressed, and all around happier.
In “Crying, Coping, and Confidence” we discussed the step-by-step method of conflict resolution. There are a few more communication patterns to develop before marriage which, when followed, will increase satisfaction especially during disagreements, the outcome being that of working toward a solution together, finding a common goal, and crossing the finish line on the same team.
Please note that the gender references in each paragraph may be intended or simply for the author’s convenience – I bet you’ll figure it out ;-)
1. The thesis of good communication is to focus on the problem and not the person. If the problem is frivolous spending, don’t allow your mind to wonder from money and this event’s impact on the budget to “you did this or that”—stick to the issue rather than who did what. The following instruction assumes this underlying premise is understood and kept on the forefront at all times.
2. Act and don’t react—stop to assess your feelings. When someone says something that makes you feel attacked, as though you need to make an excuses or justify something you did, that defensive feeling is your first clue to stop. Don’t say a word yet, but stop long enough to remind yourself that it is now time to act and not react, to ask questions as discussed below–calmly—instead of defending yourself.
3. In working through the problem, some people who stress may send a signal very different than they realize. He or she might not be as angry as he or she seems but may be passionate because this topic is very important to him or her. Consciously recognize this potential misrepresentation of feelings. By moving into conflict resolution mode, positioning yourself in a non-threatening manner, keeping your tone and volume at least one level below his or hers, along with applying the other communication techniques mentioned here, you can help dispel misconceived any perceptions.
4. Now ask . . . ask, ask, ask “me-questions” no matter who created the problem. Assumptions automatically create judgments, often incorrect, thereby creating defensiveness and a huge barrier to any progress. Asking questions that focus on resolution instead of placing blame will dispel both assumptions and anger. What are “me-questions?” you might ask. “What could I do differently that would help you? How do my actions affect you? What do my actions imply to you?” In turn, these will foster similar questions from his or her side. These questions, in this order, will show that the individual is more valuable to you than the issue is destructive, that you are a team, and that you can work with him or her toward a mutually acceptable resolution.
5. Listen – listen to what he or she is really saying without allowing yourself to get emotional or focusing on what you will say next. This will take some conscious effort and practice, especially if you are the one being confronted. By applying good listening skills you will often find that the issue impacted him or her in a way you never imagined, which makes his or her stress more understandable. You can also help the individual discover and recognized his or her own feelings about the subject on a more cognitive level because he or she knows it’s safe to explore feelings together. In getting down to the real issue, you can decrease the time spent arguing over what really doesn’t matter as well as decrease the chances of repeating the same misunderstanding later.
Classic example: picking up after oneself is to me a language of love. Why? If my husband picks up after himself instead of leaving it for me to do, I can spend less time doing chores while he is home and more time doing things with him. When he leaves messes for me, he is telling me that he doesn’t care about me, my time, or whether I spend any time with him. In other words, my interpretation is that he doesn’t really love me—“and actions speak louder than words.” In reality, he just didn’t want to clean up his mess right then, he wanted to do it later or maybe even never, but his decision to leave the mess had nothing to do with me. He believes the mess is the issue, but it’s really my feelings of rejection.
6. Once you have asked and learned the emotional impact from the situation, repeat back in your words what you understand the problem to be, how it impacted him, how he felt at the time of the incident, and how he would like you to handle it next time—or how he states he will handle it in the future should the miscommunication be on his side. Always ask if you interpreted the communication as they meant it to be understood, giving the opportunity to correct any misunderstandings.
7. Acknowledge her feelings with expressions like, “I didn’t understand that __________ (insert issue, i.e. leaving a mess) would have a reflection about my love for you. I have never put that together. I see how you could feel that way.” This doesn’t say that the other is right and you are at fault, but it acknowledges feelings – the keynote to acknowledging his or her value as a person. As noted before, acknowledging feelings (acknowledging their value as a person) is one of the most crucial keys to de-escalating any event, and it is very simple to do without compromising any principles.
8. At this point, brainstorm solutions together, respectfully negotiating a plan to resolve the issue of discontent—staying on topic. It is crucial to re-evaluate resolution progress on a pre-arranged future date, at which time you may need to start over or just tweak some parts of the plan. Always acknowledge any efforts toward the mutual goal.
9. Address issues as they come up or at least before you go to bed as the Bible says (Ephesians 4:26). I believe God is suggesting that we acknowledge issues and agree to work together toward resolving them be it that evening or systematically over the next few days; not everything can be completely resolved before bed. The keynote is that it isn’t healthy to let things brew. Even the smallest issue can create a small grieving process (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), which like our rivet, will grow out of proportion over time. As much as we’d all like to avoid confrontation and live in ignorant bliss, prompt, loving communication decreases assumptions and miscommunications, reducing potential emotional trauma and restoring a healthy relationship. If we could see the long-term problems we create for ourselves by fear of confrontation and delay, we’d all be fervent in approaching those we hurt or have hurt us. God’s advice is good, as always.
Verbatims
One can improve communication skills by practicing “verbatims.”
Verbatim Instructions: Initiate a conversation with someone lasting for about fifteen minutes on any topic, pen and paper in hand. Write each word spoken. These conversations move slowly but offer a great opportunity for slowing one’s brain down enough to listen and think before speaking without doing both at the same time. The main goal is to go back and see how many times in fifteen minutes the topic is changed; we nursing students were amazed at the frequency with which we changed the topic from the patient’s to our own . . . hmmmmm.
As we saw how often we switch topics, we learn to immediately recognize during the conversation when the topic falls away from the initial point. Refining this skill improves listening and allows open non-judgmental communication by keeping the topic on the issue and not the person, thereby preserving his or her dignity.
Verbatims are valuable tools, especially for children, but it’s never too late to benefit—and the sooner the better. Begin now and you will forever appreciate the skill, as will your friends and loved ones.
Gender dialects
Men and women differ in many ways of communicating. The books For Women Only and For Men Only are amazingly thorough in explaining this difference, which I will leave to Shanti and Jeff. There are a couple differences I want you to know now.
Men’s anger and women’s tears generally express the same emotions: the frustration of no longer being in control of his or her own situations. This “control” doesn’t mean the lack of getting their own way or that they want to be the boss. The emotion is often more like, “I don’t know what to do, how to fix it, nothing helps. I need things to change, I need to fix it, but I can’t do anything about it,” – that kind of out of control. It’s always best to communicate before emotions get to this point, but should these appear, using the above rules while reminding yourself of the underlying emotional feeling will help diffuse the moment.
We’ve also seen just enough of a difference between men and women with their respective verbal terms to cause unexpected issues. Some words mean one thing to a man and something different to a woman simply due to their differing focus in life. For example, “match” will mean to a guy something mechanical like whether it fits (matches) the engine or something you use to start a fire, a non-emotional word. For a woman, “match” is a description of aesthetics such as colors—nothing mechanical about it and very emotional. Though a basic example, when in a serious conversation using much bigger words, you will be amazed the impacts of skipping rule number six above.
The silent treatment
Lack of communication breeds suspicion. There is no way he or she can know if your silence is because you are cursing under your breath, you didn’t hear a word, you refuse to care, or you are just pondering the issues. If you aren’t sharing what you’re thinking during an emotional moment, it is very likely that the other person suspects you’re thinking negatively about him or her, especially if he or she is addressing an issue he or she would rather avoid.
The best way to avoid escalating anger or stress is to share what is going on in your brain while you think things through, even if you haven’t come to a solid conclusion. Be transparent. As long as you avoid blame and focus on the problem and not the person, letting him or her know that you are in the process of working through the situation, that you are intentionally making yourself vulnerable by opening your thoughts now, but you’d rather be vulnerable than make him or her feel vulnerable by your silence, and that what you speak now is not likely to be your final thought process, reminding him or her that it’s easier for you to continue being open if making yourself vulnerable is appreciated. This simple, but hard, step opens the way of learning how each other thinks, fostering better understanding over time.
It may take a great deal of conscious effort to speak when you normally would not, but it is really important and warrants a good try—again and again. Don’t ignore a problem or the person in the problem. At bare minimum, be verbal enough to say, “I am analyzing what you are saying” rather than just remaining silent. If you are privileged to be on the receiving end of this openness, calmly and carefully initiate the steps above or he/she may never take the risk of openness again.
Though couples may need a brief amount of quiet-time to settle into the defined resolution, the "silent treatment" being used as punishment and/or for extended periods of time after a disagreement would be a yellow or even a red flag as it hints at revengeful, immature, and/or manipulative personality characteristics.
“Nothing . . . “
“What’s wrong?” can be asked in either a sincere, loving, inquiring, aggressive, or defensive manner. The best way to encourage, rather than discourage, honest communication is to ask in either a loving way or at least with sincerity. Even if asked appropriately, but especially if asked any other way, the answer to “what’s wrong” often seems to be, “nothing.” Such a reply should sincerely mean that nothing is wrong rather than “I don’t want to talk about it” or “this isn’t the time.”
Though one gender has more of a reputation with using the word “nothing,” it really is a personality trait, which means that anyone, any gender, will use it if he or she was not taught another healthier method of communication. Though the “nothing” evasion can be a manipulative response, often it is his or her “best answer” due to fear of reaction or inability to communicate frustration appropriately.
The “nothing-is-wrong” communication used as an easy escape from conflict is dishonest and destructive. If he wants to know what is wrong—because he knows something is wrong—yet his inquiries are repulsed, he has just been taught to avoid being perceptive of your needs. In order to do that, he has to teach himself not to care. Often the vicious circle begins, and he cannot win no matter his efforts.
If you find yourself so upset by her attitude, behavior, aggressive hints, or perceived irritation that you are unable to inquire lovingly of her thoughts and feelings, you might want to delay asking. I would hope that if he or she is upset, he or she will voluntarily share, but that’s why marriage is a team. We often need help feeling accepted before stepping out of our comfort zone to do what is best—i.e. communicate.
Remember that communication comes in many forms such as a flower with a note asking, “What did I do? I want to fix it.” Dan and I keep a notebook on our bathroom counter. If either one of us have something to say and can’t seem to speak it, we’ll write a note about how we feel, why we feel that way, and that we’d like to talk – always acknowledging the other’s feelings in the note. Though some notes reference our issues, there are times when we don’t feel adept at verbalizing our love, appreciation, how blessed we feel to be a part of each other’s lives, or what an awesome job he did on initiating the conversation on a “hot” topic between us. We now have a journal of our love reminding us of all the beautiful things between us and, in review, those issues weren’t as big as they seemed at the time . . . and more love follows.
Though the “nothing” issue is rarely significant during the early dating process, it may rear its head during engagement decision-making and continue into marriage if not intentionally prevented or arrested early in the relationship. Establishing effective and considerate communication skills now will make marriage way more fun in the long run.
Manipulation versus motivation
Manipulation is when you persuade a person to do something that appears in their best interest but is instead really in your best interest. I believe this is an element of co-dependency. Though manipulation is deceptive, it is too often used, destroying faith and trust in the relationship. Sometimes manipulative people tend to have deceived themselves as well as those around them and few are they that arrest this personality trait.
Motivation, on the other hand, is when the goal actually benefits the other person or both individuals, contributing to a high-morale partnership while working toward the goal.
If you are unsure which method of teamwork rules your relationship, you will want to consider scheduling with a good Christian counselor before too much time passes.
Additional communication tips
Some of the following tips are more related to marriage situations. Because you don't feel the same as listed below, that doesn't mean you won't after the honeymoon wears off. It may be helpful to know these so you can begin developing good habits now.
- If she needs to talk about it, but you just can’t or don’t want to discuss it now, you have a couple of choices: 1) let her vent without you saying anything, except that you are processing what she’s saying, and make an appointment to talk very soon, or 2) tell her that you are frustrated and need to chill before talking, again making that appointment to talk. Set a specific time, and be sure to show up – with flowers in hand for good measure (or an equally desirable delicacy of which a man may enjoy).
- Do not allow little irritations to just “run off your back.” They really don’t; they just build up. If something irritates you, say so using the above steps of communication. As you’ve heard before, people who get hysterical tend to get historical, a phenomenon that often brings out those unspoken resentments. It is neither fair nor appropriate for someone to first hear of an irritation that occurred last year during a disagreement over something completely different today. If you let hurt or irritations “run off” and he or she hears about it later, and he or she will, trust is replaced with insecurity. It may be considered heroic now because you just don’t let it get to you, but letting an irritation “run-off” isn’t heroic—it’s cowardice. It’s just always nice to hear, in a kind and loving way, what bothers you or makes you unhappy, thereby giving him or her the tools needed to make you happy.
- It is hard for a guy to listen to a woman’s problems without wanting to solve it for her right now but often a woman doesn’t want help. They want camaraderie. Guys, as suggested before, just let them vent. A little empathy would be helpful but not as important as an occasional grunt and eye contact to show you are listening. Talking of the weather or a project at work before she is done venting speaks volumes to her about your lack of interest in her problem and in her. Allow her to finish, listening well enough that you can give her a synopsis of the issue the day following, if needed. She may want your advice once her emotions have settled.
- Though I hesitate to use the term “never” as there are exceptions to most all rules, there are three terms that really should never be used in communication: “I told you so, you’ll get over it, and calm down.” Saying “I told you so” puts him or her on the defensive, discrediting you as well as your previous good-advice and inhibits your influence both in current and future situations. If you find yourself wanting to say “I told you so,” first define whether your real goal is for them to learn something (which they likely already have) or for you to impress them with your foreknowledge. Even if you did predict well, he or she is likely aware of that, and you will look all the smarter by your verbal discretion, i.e. if you could say it, but don’t. By saying “you’ll get over it” or “calm down” you are telling him or her that their value system which is causing their grief or excitement is insignificant and unimportant, which means that he or she is insignificant and unimportant. “You’ll get over it” is on our list of yellow flags, because an individual who even thinks this way will not be supportive in any situation unless it impacts his or her own value system. The more effective method of accomplishing that calming effect is to acknowledge his or her feelings, which sets the stage for getting over it in a healthy way.
- Guys do not want communication via hints. If you need something, anything, just say it. If you need compliments, just tell him you need to feel more affirmed or ask him if he can he help you with your insecurity by more frequent reassurance.
- Girls, it is best not to ask a question you don’t want answered honestly. Women often use this tactic as a backward way of getting compliments or affirmation. “Do I look fat? Do you like my dress?” If he doesn’t answer like you hoped, you have put him in an unfair position. If you really want to know whether he likes your dress, then ask, but be prepared for an honest answer, and love him for it.
- According to Mark Gungor, you really do have to ask a guy to do something more than once. He simply won’t hear it the first time even if he acknowledges the asking, and he assumes you mean for him to act on your suggestion sometime in the next month, but not now. The difficulty is that there is a very, very, very . . . fine line between reminding, which you have to do, and nagging, which is a proverbial “immortal sin.” It might be best to have a list posted where you can write your needs with a projected completion date. Refer to the list rather than nag, but per Mark, it’s best not to get angry if he hasn’t done something when you have asked only once.
- There are times that a woman needs help, whether she wants it or not, but it must be handled very delicately. That time is when you are present and someone is physically “getting in her face.” We talked about that in the chapter on chivalry. At this point, whether you are dating or married, proceed with caution. It’s best not to just stand by and watch someone get into her space and verbally abuse her, but you will want your communication skills well-honed if you intervene between her and her family. Girls, please avoid intervening for your guy. He can handle his own personal space and would prefer to do so, but be ready to support him should he ask. Again, the goal of communication is to avoid defensiveness by using effective communication, focusing on the problem and the solution while maintaining the respect and dignity of each person.
- Build your date’s trust in you with reliability. Keep your promises even in the little things. If something comes up and changes the equation, communicate that before the expected fulfillment even if it’s only minutes. Unexpected circumstances can be expected, but brushing off communication will hint at brushing off the person. Should one make a mistake and forget to communicate, more than an apology would be welcome. Make restitution in some way, and pay closer attention next time.
- People perceive things, and judge things, through the history of their own experience—what happened to them before in similar situations. If something doesn’t make sense to you, it’s because you haven’t seen this particular event through their eyes. Though understanding doesn’t mean you would overlook his or her behavior or attitude, it is a good place to begin working out either a yellow flag or a simple misunderstanding.
- If a person is angry with you, he or she might be dealing with another issue they cannot share or are not ready to share with you. It’s best to give them the benefit of the doubt, and use your skills to bring them back around to productive communication.
- Though Jesus loved him greatly, He respected the Rich Young Ruler’s decision to go against Christ's will and hope for him (Mark 10:17-22). We too will have similar situations when, no matter our efforts, we cannot tame anger or de-escalate the situation. If you have used every appropriate communication tool available but still feel pressured into submission, if there is no reasonable attempt on his or her part for resolution, no appropriate compromise, it’s alright—it’s OK. But each person has the right to choose, and you have the right to choose not to have that influence in your life. No matter how adorable, how good of a sermon he or she preaches, or how much piety he or she claims, life will be an uphill struggle if he or she cannot accept constructive criticism with a humble and gracious spirit, acknowledging another’s thoughts and feelings in the process. There are appropriate times to walk away in humility, pity, and earnest prayer, being cautious that no bitterness is harbored at risk to your own soul.
- A healthy communication style will make use of each disagreement and resolution to create a closer, stronger bond. The ability to both initiate resolution as well as communicate effectively and in a positive manner must be demonstrated before it’s safe to make a lifetime commitment.
- Last, but not least, think positive; talk and act positive with every possible opportunity. People enjoy positive people.
Communication Initiation
Women are often the ones to initiate difficult communication. It’s understandable why a man would be hesitant to broach a tough topic since he is likely to be subjected to prolonged venting, as we women do.
I challenge our masculine readers, as head of (or future head of) the household, to rise to your priestly calling no matter how undesirable the effort required. Whether you are right or wrong, if you humble yourself to simply say, "I’m sorry that I made you feel that way,” few women will remain judgmental and stubborn. Stepping out of your comfort zone, initiating the conversation, listening to her, and settling things in a godly manner will win her respect and love—and then you are irresistible to her. As head of the household, it is your responsibility, your right, and your privilege to win her heart this way again and again.
In essence
God is all about healthy relationships between individuals. He loves to bless each of us with all that He can, but some character building and self-control may be part of the equation. He will give you ample time to practice good communication, but previously frustrating interactions will become a positive exercise of your new-found skill. The more you practice, the more God will bless you, and those around you, with emotional fulfillment. Communication is either the largest barrier or the most effective tool in any relationship—a daily choice.
If we discover the rationale behind frustration, focus on the problem (not the person), and start action toward a solution, most people are very workable and will then hold such a good communicator in high esteem, which he or she deserves—he or she is working for God. It’s never too early or late to learn, but most need to be taught, and all need to practice. Though the skill doesn't come automatically, the joy of successful relations will. It’s actually quite exciting to see the results.
These communication skills should be well-practiced before giving practical application to the next chapter’s instructions. Being a very delicate issue, both you and your date will want to know how to best communicate before taking the next step—it’s a big one. Proceed with caution . . . .