Caution: With the exception of this chapter, Up To Date is designed to be read in a linear fashion, as each chapter builds on principles established in the previous chapters. For your best relationship success, begin with the introduction and progress chapter by chapter.
Chapter Twenty-eight
Crying, Coping, and Confidence
"Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle:
are they not in thy book" (Psalms 56:8)?
So many guys feel completely out of control and uncomfortable when in the same county as a crying girl. It seems really hard to know what to say or do. I’ll let you in on a little secret, Guys. There is a science to this – such an important science that we studied it in Nursing School, ad nauseum, and again almost every year of employment since school. Obviously, the young adult male is not the only one to feel inadequate here.
Our education came from a little different direction than just crying women, but none-the-less, it is beneficial for the same. In fact, the communication skills in this chapter will help anyone feel confident when in a socially uncomfortable situation. They are the same techniques used by police when talking down an assailant with a weapon or a little girl who has run away from home.
If you learn and apply these step-by-step skills, you will know the proper way to console broken hearted people, a critical expertise in our role as Christians. But, who wants to comfort when we are so uncomfortable ourselves? Piece o’ cake – we’ve conquered this one and even made it alphabetical for ease of memorization.
Crying, Coping, and Confidence
"Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle:
are they not in thy book" (Psalms 56:8)?
So many guys feel completely out of control and uncomfortable when in the same county as a crying girl. It seems really hard to know what to say or do. I’ll let you in on a little secret, Guys. There is a science to this – such an important science that we studied it in Nursing School, ad nauseum, and again almost every year of employment since school. Obviously, the young adult male is not the only one to feel inadequate here.
Our education came from a little different direction than just crying women, but none-the-less, it is beneficial for the same. In fact, the communication skills in this chapter will help anyone feel confident when in a socially uncomfortable situation. They are the same techniques used by police when talking down an assailant with a weapon or a little girl who has run away from home.
If you learn and apply these step-by-step skills, you will know the proper way to console broken hearted people, a critical expertise in our role as Christians. But, who wants to comfort when we are so uncomfortable ourselves? Piece o’ cake – we’ve conquered this one and even made it alphabetical for ease of memorization.
- 1. Always stop whatever you are doing: walking, driving, or working.
- Be a protector. Move her to a private or semi-private place. She doesn't want to be crying in public.
- Consider her need for a Kleenex, paper towel, dinner napkin, your shirtsleeve, or anything to wipe her eyes and nose - now, before another word is said. Do it quickly so she doesn't think you deserted her. Above all, don't desert her.
- Down, sit, stay! Basically, seat her and then yourself at a 90 degree angle. Do not face her directly.
- Evade her gaze. Since a tearful state is rarely flattering, girls would rather you not stare. Make eye contact only briefly. Most girls who initiate solid and continued eye contact while crying are angry, and very likely with the one whose eyes they seek, so avoid that at all cost ;-). Were this anyone other than a crying girl, you will want more interested, but non-threatening, eye contact also from a 90 degree angle.
- Facts - ask what is wrong. Tell her you are sorry. This is not an apology but simply an expression of sorrow for the pain she now experiences. Because you validate her feelings without confessing wrong, this approach is a very effective tool for conflict resolution even in serious marital disagreements. In the book Letters to Phillip, it is called "winning by losing" and only "real men" will use this technique. Warning: one of the most common expressions used at a time such as this is "calm down." I strongly suggest that you don't even consider this option. Just don't say those words - ever. In this step, you will fine tune your listening skills, validate her feelings, and just let her vent without saying a word.
- Give her your attention. Lean forward, not against the back of the chair, and avoid crossing your arms.
- Help her. If she asks advice, then offer suggestions. If she is just venting, let her do so until done. Do not offer a solution without solicitation. As crazy as it sounds, she doesn't want a solution right now. Of course, that depends on the issue. If her father just had a heart attack, drive her to the hospital. If she is upset because someone is angry with her for misunderstood intentions, leave it to her. With protection and rescue being a manly trait, please think carefully before rushing into protective mode. Remember that you haven't heard the other side, so avoid discrediting anyone or trying to solve it for her. If her information is incorrect about some unimportant detail, correcting her now is unlikely to be helpful. Obviously, some things will need corrected if that detail is the major contributor to her distress, but use discretion.
- Inquire if you can do anything for her right now, considering the appropriateness of her request. Remember that she isn't thinking too clearly. You shouldn't go beat up anyone, but you might be able to change her flat tire so she can get to her final exam.
- Jesus - Pray with her (unfortunately, they didn't teach this in my nursing class)
- Know what she needs as follow up. Check in with her the next day to see if she is better.
- Leave, but let her know that you will not share this with anyone. She is already embarressed at crying, and she needs to know when she goes to bed that it won't be public knowledge before morning. Be her confidant.
(Why do so many good things end up in twelve-step plans?)
As Mark Gungor says in Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, women can’t separate issues. Everything plays into everything else, so it’s likely that this one thing is just the straw that broke the camel’s back. If it seems silly to you, remember that she is just overwhelmed. When men feel out of control of what is going on, they get angry – women cry. It’s the same emotion with a difference response.
As emotions flare, one might consider vulnerability. If you are dating this gal, there may be little danger, but if not, be sure that your relationship does not change over this episode. You are comforting her, and she is being comforted. Intimate experiences produce intimate feelings, and affairs have begun in this innocent way. Unfortunately, this knowledge may allow a less-than-virtuous guy to take advantage of this girl. A good reason for girls to be sure there is no change in affection over this episode, as well.
If you are considering initiating a relationship with her, avoid doing so until this event is resolved. She must be confident that your interest is not motivated from pity. Relationships initiated during, or based on, emotional rescue rarely last a lifetime. To be attentive but respectful and more casual than vulnerable, stick to the twelve-step plan and dismiss yourself.
As mentioned, the above non-violent crisis intervention or conflict resolution model is a professional way to deal with any situation – the customer screaming obscenities, someone yelling in the church foyer, a suicidal patient – all can benefit from any one of us gently taking control and leading the way. In these situations, follow the same steps above being aware of these differences: you may not be able to move them to another place, they may not need your shirt sleeve, and you may need to actually do for them what is in your power to accomplish. Last but not least, always pitch your voice at least one notch below theirs in tone and volume while being sure to acknowledging their feelings: "I’m sorry you are frustrated. How can I help?"
The key to success is remembering that, even if the problem involves you, this is their moment - albeit, an undesirable one. Set yourself aside. If you keep your own emotions under control and acknowledge a simple understanding of his or her feelings, you may not immediately get your way, but you have won the battle - and so has he or she. You can always come back at a more appropriate time and place to discuss the issue. Effective conflict resolution requires not only skill but also great restraint. That restraint has a name—it's called tact.
The wise Christian, businessman, father, husband, mother, friend, and family member who practices and refines these skills will be amazed at their power to fully and quickly resolve problems while retaining the dignity of both parties. Christ said, "blessed are the peacemakers?" He could have said, "blessed are skilled communicators."
There are few more rewarding skills, but I don’t recommend making someone cry just so you can practice ;-).
As Mark Gungor says in Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, women can’t separate issues. Everything plays into everything else, so it’s likely that this one thing is just the straw that broke the camel’s back. If it seems silly to you, remember that she is just overwhelmed. When men feel out of control of what is going on, they get angry – women cry. It’s the same emotion with a difference response.
As emotions flare, one might consider vulnerability. If you are dating this gal, there may be little danger, but if not, be sure that your relationship does not change over this episode. You are comforting her, and she is being comforted. Intimate experiences produce intimate feelings, and affairs have begun in this innocent way. Unfortunately, this knowledge may allow a less-than-virtuous guy to take advantage of this girl. A good reason for girls to be sure there is no change in affection over this episode, as well.
If you are considering initiating a relationship with her, avoid doing so until this event is resolved. She must be confident that your interest is not motivated from pity. Relationships initiated during, or based on, emotional rescue rarely last a lifetime. To be attentive but respectful and more casual than vulnerable, stick to the twelve-step plan and dismiss yourself.
As mentioned, the above non-violent crisis intervention or conflict resolution model is a professional way to deal with any situation – the customer screaming obscenities, someone yelling in the church foyer, a suicidal patient – all can benefit from any one of us gently taking control and leading the way. In these situations, follow the same steps above being aware of these differences: you may not be able to move them to another place, they may not need your shirt sleeve, and you may need to actually do for them what is in your power to accomplish. Last but not least, always pitch your voice at least one notch below theirs in tone and volume while being sure to acknowledging their feelings: "I’m sorry you are frustrated. How can I help?"
The key to success is remembering that, even if the problem involves you, this is their moment - albeit, an undesirable one. Set yourself aside. If you keep your own emotions under control and acknowledge a simple understanding of his or her feelings, you may not immediately get your way, but you have won the battle - and so has he or she. You can always come back at a more appropriate time and place to discuss the issue. Effective conflict resolution requires not only skill but also great restraint. That restraint has a name—it's called tact.
The wise Christian, businessman, father, husband, mother, friend, and family member who practices and refines these skills will be amazed at their power to fully and quickly resolve problems while retaining the dignity of both parties. Christ said, "blessed are the peacemakers?" He could have said, "blessed are skilled communicators."
There are few more rewarding skills, but I don’t recommend making someone cry just so you can practice ;-).