Caution: Up To Date is designed to be read in a linear fashion, as each chapter builds on principles established in the previous chapters. For your best relationship success, begin with the introduction and progress chapter by chapter.
Chapter Seven
Love Analysis
"The Lord hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee
with an everlasting love: therefore, with loving kindness have I drawn thee" (Jeremiah 31:3).
Christian dating involves three types of love, all of which fall within the category of pure love: Christ-like, romantic, and brotherly love. Christ-like love is complete, indiscriminant love for every human being – the purest. Romantic love is self-explanatory. Brotherly love is multifaceted and a bit more complicated as the principle behind pure and true love, yet interwoven within both. Let’s look at these, and some other types of love, in a little more depth. Put your thinking cap on. This is a heavy topic.
Pure love
Pure love is the umbrella under which all healthy love falls, a qualifier, as opposed to type. It describes a love you can trust, unafraid of scrutiny, and without selfish design or flaw.
True romantic love
The one ultimate romantic relationship describes true love, often confused with infatuation.
Infatuation
Infatuation feels like love and most believe it really is true love. It sees minimal flaws in the other’s character but seems motivated from the brain as well as the heart. In reality, it is self-seeking love based on emotions with no lasting principles, and rarely recognized as such by either party. The only way to discern between infatuation and true love is the test of time – does it include the principles that last a lifetime? This doesn’t mean marry and see if it lasts. Rather, it means slow down and don’t rush the wedding until you know it will last. Yet, infatuation commonly prompts the most premature vows resulting in the greatest unhappiness.
Brotherly love
Akin to godly love, brotherly love envelops the pure and noble principle – the choice to love someone you have come to know. To the general public, it seems unreasonable because it loves in spite of character or beauty and without guarantee of love in return. Brotherly love is the most crucial ingredient in any true love relationship as this principle alone renders the lifelong commitment a reality. This type of love in a romantic love relationship doesn’t simply choose to "stick with it". It makes the choice to bring back waning romance, a wane that every relationship experiences at some point. Brotherly love never fails; it consistently nurtures emotions when its heart is tired. It is the choice of the brain minus emotions. Yet in pure, noble brotherly love, the emotions will follow – by choice.
Godly "Christ-like" love
This is a complicated love with many facets. Godly love is the love we experience for others whom we do not personally know. Often overlooked in this twenty-first century yet most critical in successful families, is the godly sacrificial love demonstrated by listening to the brain when the heart is saying something completely different. This love carries a much higher standard than that of brotherly love. Christ demonstrated it in the Garden of Gethsemane when He wrestled over His upcoming sacrifice. Contemplating those who would benefit, He chose to go forward with the ultimate self-sacrifice. In dating and marriage, to be more specific, this self-sacrificing love is that which maintains a superficial relationship when the heart desires more. This is by far the noblest of all loves.
"Can I have more than one love at a time?"
That’s really a two-fold question. As mentioned, dating involves three kinds of love at a time: godly, romantic, and brotherly. No relationship will survive without all of these. However, with varyious emotions, the desire to love everyone, and exposure to different people, it’s easy to become confused by our feelings for others. Which is which and what is what? Understanding what is "normal" may help a child of God sort through all the confusion and make rewarding decisions confidently.
Brotherly, like romantic, love can be an intense emotion to the point of near bursting and this creates the greatest confusion. Then the second part of the question asks, "can I have more than one love (meaning loving two persons) at a time?"
It is normal for most people to love more than one person in their lifetime—and it often happens simultaneously. People usually don’t want to be "in love" with more than one person at a time; yet it seems to happen often, with even the most devout Christian. Remember, we are in a cosmic battle. Though it is not acceptable to commit to a relationship with two individuals at a time, the actual feelings are not sin. We are to love everyone. The sin comes from acting on it, courting both persons, nurturing feelings for both (when one knows that a decision must be made), or ignoring the situation. Our mind may have already decided the right course, but if we can’t get a handle on the feelings, it leads to confusion, guilt, and finally giving up in despair. That follows with poor decision-making and remorse, but the damage is already done.
Should you find yourself in a similar situation, remember that, in this cosmic battle, they cannot both be right for you. One or both has to be a counterfeit, imposter, or decoy, a very common ploy as Satan isn’t going to leave you with any untried temptation. The first step to making good decisions is realizing it can happen to you and being prepared to act appropriately.
The next step is to decide which one will receive your brotherly love and which you will nurture into true love, and then act on those decisions. Here is where self sacrificing, godly love comes into play.
How can this happen?
Before we go on, we must learn how a person is wooed. It is simple math according to the book His Needs, Her Needs. Each person has a bank account in his or her heart. We all put positive or negative deposits into each other’s emotional bank accounts. When negative deposits outweigh the positive, the emotional response is negative. A person is wooed when positive deposits outweigh the negative.
Determining the type of love you experience is a similar mathematical process. Against the grain of popular belief, no one randomly falls in love. Love takes action. That action may be so subtle that it isn’t perceived, but those positive bank deposits are happening. The other individual can make those deposits or we can even place them in our own account for him or her. How we think about that person, how we focus on their attentions and affections determines whether their deposits are positive and what kind of love it becomes. We all tend to be drawn to those with whom we are intimately conversing. Talk and think on intimate things and we experience intimate feelings—even if we are talking about someone else’s intimacy that has nothing to do with us. By the same token, how you don’t think about a person determines what kind of love it doesn’t become (note the affair prevention here).
Love is not something we discern. Rather, love is what we determine. For many, that seems too much to ask or believe. However, it is reality.
What if it happens to me?
If Satan sends impostors (discussed in more detail in a later chapter), how does one decide which of the two is the right one? You may not be able to tell which is right for you. You can’t know that without dating. However, you should be able to tell which is wrong for you. If you are not dating anyone, you can take a little more time to sort it out, but if you are dating someone, an intellectual decision needs to be made immediately at that point of first temptation.
Ask yourself these three questions: 1) who is more focused on Christ in action and word, 2) whose character traits most represent Christ and the Bible, keeping the law and demonstrating the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22,23), and 3) with whose faults can I live? The one who least lives up to these high ideals is the one you should shy away from. Make your decision not on claims but based on demonstration as discussed in the chapter Stop, Look, and Listen.
Bear in mind that if you are already dating someone, a new love is often more appealing . . . that is, until you get used to that new person. " ‘Logic rides on the horse of emotion.’ In other words, if the sales person can get the customer’s emotion to line up with the purchase, then the customer will buy on the logic that he arrived at based on manipulated emotion. Keep your emotions in check when making such decisions" (http://autos.aol.com/article/car-repairs-can-wait/). Emotions will be deceptive at this time. Base this critical decision on the above questions and not your emotions.
If you are in a relationship and you decide for the one you are not dating, the only action now is to break up with the first. It is not appropriate, fair, or even nice, to maintain the old relationship until secure in the new. It is also important to give yourself some time off before entering another relationship. If that person is meant for you, God will keep him or her in the wings. I belabor this point because many people are afraid of being alone so they superficially hold on to the first relationship for their own security rather than love or principle. Prayer and faith is critical at this time.
If you decide for your current boyfriend or girlfriend, your physiologic warfare must begin by putting the other individual out of your mind the moment a thought of him or her should arise, replacing that thought with the positive traits of your boyfriend or girlfriend. Repeated thoughts trigger repeated electrical patterns. The more you disallow the thoughts, the more the brain says, "don’t let that current go down that path." This practice creates "electrical habits" and develops affair prevention skills, which don’t magically appear out of the blue once you say, "I do." It’s a skill everyone should learn prior to marriage.
If one day you are surprised by your own feelings for someone other than your date or spouse, realize you are in control. If you are weak, seek God—not for justification but for strength to control your thoughts. God will bless the efforts of making and standing on a good decision by eventually removing strong emotions for that person. He won’t force you, but He can quell the feelings if you choose to help. This is where godly love is most critical.
You can also use this same electrical current to develop a true, satisfying, and romantic love for someone, even though you may not be initially attracted to him or her. Many happy marriages have begun with at least one person who really didn’t care too much for the other at first meeting but whose feelings responded as honorable character traits were consistently observed.
There is no harm in dating someone who has wonderful characteristics even if you don’t feel drawn to him or her, as long as you are up front about it. Clearly communicate that you don’t feel particularly drawn, but you are willing to give it a trial. That is OK. It’s what dating is all about: wooing, making positive bank deposits, and nurturing positive thoughts, which turn into positive emotions—or not. You can't know if you don't try.
Where such a trial would seem to remove spontaneity from romance, remember that spontaneity into love equals spontaneity out of love. Effective, honest wooing always ends in strong positive emotions if God means for two people to be together.
Love is a science. There is no such thing as random luck. Every intricacy is a part of the bigger cosmic battle. Learning these variations and potentials, along with practicing self control, will prepare each child of God to act instead of react, to make successful choices in spite of this cosmic battle.
Now, let’s get on with dating preparation, the details: goals, accomplishments, time-lines, and criteria, perhaps God's suggestions practically applied for our modern lives.
Love Analysis
"The Lord hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee
with an everlasting love: therefore, with loving kindness have I drawn thee" (Jeremiah 31:3).
Christian dating involves three types of love, all of which fall within the category of pure love: Christ-like, romantic, and brotherly love. Christ-like love is complete, indiscriminant love for every human being – the purest. Romantic love is self-explanatory. Brotherly love is multifaceted and a bit more complicated as the principle behind pure and true love, yet interwoven within both. Let’s look at these, and some other types of love, in a little more depth. Put your thinking cap on. This is a heavy topic.
Pure love
Pure love is the umbrella under which all healthy love falls, a qualifier, as opposed to type. It describes a love you can trust, unafraid of scrutiny, and without selfish design or flaw.
True romantic love
The one ultimate romantic relationship describes true love, often confused with infatuation.
Infatuation
Infatuation feels like love and most believe it really is true love. It sees minimal flaws in the other’s character but seems motivated from the brain as well as the heart. In reality, it is self-seeking love based on emotions with no lasting principles, and rarely recognized as such by either party. The only way to discern between infatuation and true love is the test of time – does it include the principles that last a lifetime? This doesn’t mean marry and see if it lasts. Rather, it means slow down and don’t rush the wedding until you know it will last. Yet, infatuation commonly prompts the most premature vows resulting in the greatest unhappiness.
Brotherly love
Akin to godly love, brotherly love envelops the pure and noble principle – the choice to love someone you have come to know. To the general public, it seems unreasonable because it loves in spite of character or beauty and without guarantee of love in return. Brotherly love is the most crucial ingredient in any true love relationship as this principle alone renders the lifelong commitment a reality. This type of love in a romantic love relationship doesn’t simply choose to "stick with it". It makes the choice to bring back waning romance, a wane that every relationship experiences at some point. Brotherly love never fails; it consistently nurtures emotions when its heart is tired. It is the choice of the brain minus emotions. Yet in pure, noble brotherly love, the emotions will follow – by choice.
Godly "Christ-like" love
This is a complicated love with many facets. Godly love is the love we experience for others whom we do not personally know. Often overlooked in this twenty-first century yet most critical in successful families, is the godly sacrificial love demonstrated by listening to the brain when the heart is saying something completely different. This love carries a much higher standard than that of brotherly love. Christ demonstrated it in the Garden of Gethsemane when He wrestled over His upcoming sacrifice. Contemplating those who would benefit, He chose to go forward with the ultimate self-sacrifice. In dating and marriage, to be more specific, this self-sacrificing love is that which maintains a superficial relationship when the heart desires more. This is by far the noblest of all loves.
"Can I have more than one love at a time?"
That’s really a two-fold question. As mentioned, dating involves three kinds of love at a time: godly, romantic, and brotherly. No relationship will survive without all of these. However, with varyious emotions, the desire to love everyone, and exposure to different people, it’s easy to become confused by our feelings for others. Which is which and what is what? Understanding what is "normal" may help a child of God sort through all the confusion and make rewarding decisions confidently.
Brotherly, like romantic, love can be an intense emotion to the point of near bursting and this creates the greatest confusion. Then the second part of the question asks, "can I have more than one love (meaning loving two persons) at a time?"
It is normal for most people to love more than one person in their lifetime—and it often happens simultaneously. People usually don’t want to be "in love" with more than one person at a time; yet it seems to happen often, with even the most devout Christian. Remember, we are in a cosmic battle. Though it is not acceptable to commit to a relationship with two individuals at a time, the actual feelings are not sin. We are to love everyone. The sin comes from acting on it, courting both persons, nurturing feelings for both (when one knows that a decision must be made), or ignoring the situation. Our mind may have already decided the right course, but if we can’t get a handle on the feelings, it leads to confusion, guilt, and finally giving up in despair. That follows with poor decision-making and remorse, but the damage is already done.
Should you find yourself in a similar situation, remember that, in this cosmic battle, they cannot both be right for you. One or both has to be a counterfeit, imposter, or decoy, a very common ploy as Satan isn’t going to leave you with any untried temptation. The first step to making good decisions is realizing it can happen to you and being prepared to act appropriately.
The next step is to decide which one will receive your brotherly love and which you will nurture into true love, and then act on those decisions. Here is where self sacrificing, godly love comes into play.
How can this happen?
Before we go on, we must learn how a person is wooed. It is simple math according to the book His Needs, Her Needs. Each person has a bank account in his or her heart. We all put positive or negative deposits into each other’s emotional bank accounts. When negative deposits outweigh the positive, the emotional response is negative. A person is wooed when positive deposits outweigh the negative.
Determining the type of love you experience is a similar mathematical process. Against the grain of popular belief, no one randomly falls in love. Love takes action. That action may be so subtle that it isn’t perceived, but those positive bank deposits are happening. The other individual can make those deposits or we can even place them in our own account for him or her. How we think about that person, how we focus on their attentions and affections determines whether their deposits are positive and what kind of love it becomes. We all tend to be drawn to those with whom we are intimately conversing. Talk and think on intimate things and we experience intimate feelings—even if we are talking about someone else’s intimacy that has nothing to do with us. By the same token, how you don’t think about a person determines what kind of love it doesn’t become (note the affair prevention here).
Love is not something we discern. Rather, love is what we determine. For many, that seems too much to ask or believe. However, it is reality.
What if it happens to me?
If Satan sends impostors (discussed in more detail in a later chapter), how does one decide which of the two is the right one? You may not be able to tell which is right for you. You can’t know that without dating. However, you should be able to tell which is wrong for you. If you are not dating anyone, you can take a little more time to sort it out, but if you are dating someone, an intellectual decision needs to be made immediately at that point of first temptation.
Ask yourself these three questions: 1) who is more focused on Christ in action and word, 2) whose character traits most represent Christ and the Bible, keeping the law and demonstrating the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22,23), and 3) with whose faults can I live? The one who least lives up to these high ideals is the one you should shy away from. Make your decision not on claims but based on demonstration as discussed in the chapter Stop, Look, and Listen.
Bear in mind that if you are already dating someone, a new love is often more appealing . . . that is, until you get used to that new person. " ‘Logic rides on the horse of emotion.’ In other words, if the sales person can get the customer’s emotion to line up with the purchase, then the customer will buy on the logic that he arrived at based on manipulated emotion. Keep your emotions in check when making such decisions" (http://autos.aol.com/article/car-repairs-can-wait/). Emotions will be deceptive at this time. Base this critical decision on the above questions and not your emotions.
If you are in a relationship and you decide for the one you are not dating, the only action now is to break up with the first. It is not appropriate, fair, or even nice, to maintain the old relationship until secure in the new. It is also important to give yourself some time off before entering another relationship. If that person is meant for you, God will keep him or her in the wings. I belabor this point because many people are afraid of being alone so they superficially hold on to the first relationship for their own security rather than love or principle. Prayer and faith is critical at this time.
If you decide for your current boyfriend or girlfriend, your physiologic warfare must begin by putting the other individual out of your mind the moment a thought of him or her should arise, replacing that thought with the positive traits of your boyfriend or girlfriend. Repeated thoughts trigger repeated electrical patterns. The more you disallow the thoughts, the more the brain says, "don’t let that current go down that path." This practice creates "electrical habits" and develops affair prevention skills, which don’t magically appear out of the blue once you say, "I do." It’s a skill everyone should learn prior to marriage.
If one day you are surprised by your own feelings for someone other than your date or spouse, realize you are in control. If you are weak, seek God—not for justification but for strength to control your thoughts. God will bless the efforts of making and standing on a good decision by eventually removing strong emotions for that person. He won’t force you, but He can quell the feelings if you choose to help. This is where godly love is most critical.
You can also use this same electrical current to develop a true, satisfying, and romantic love for someone, even though you may not be initially attracted to him or her. Many happy marriages have begun with at least one person who really didn’t care too much for the other at first meeting but whose feelings responded as honorable character traits were consistently observed.
There is no harm in dating someone who has wonderful characteristics even if you don’t feel drawn to him or her, as long as you are up front about it. Clearly communicate that you don’t feel particularly drawn, but you are willing to give it a trial. That is OK. It’s what dating is all about: wooing, making positive bank deposits, and nurturing positive thoughts, which turn into positive emotions—or not. You can't know if you don't try.
Where such a trial would seem to remove spontaneity from romance, remember that spontaneity into love equals spontaneity out of love. Effective, honest wooing always ends in strong positive emotions if God means for two people to be together.
Love is a science. There is no such thing as random luck. Every intricacy is a part of the bigger cosmic battle. Learning these variations and potentials, along with practicing self control, will prepare each child of God to act instead of react, to make successful choices in spite of this cosmic battle.
Now, let’s get on with dating preparation, the details: goals, accomplishments, time-lines, and criteria, perhaps God's suggestions practically applied for our modern lives.
