Caution: Up To Date is designed to be read in a linear fashion, as each chapter builds on principles established in the previous chapters. For your best relationship success, begin with the introduction and progress chapter by chapter. 

Chapter Ten


Chivalry

                                            "When Jesus therefore saw his mother, and the disciple standing by, whom he loved, 
                                              he saith unto his mother, Woman, behold thy son. Then saith he to the disciple, 
                                                                                        Behold thy mother" (John 19:26).

                                             "Charm is a woman’s strength just as strength is a man’s charm."



The most touching story of chivalry is when Christ, as he hung on the cross in unspeakable misery, still thought of the woman in His life. He was not only thoughtful of His mother, he also reached out to the women who didn’t have a close bond with Him as they wept along His path to Calvary.

Chivalry is not a weakness. It is valor in the most perfect form—heroism. When searching "chivalry" on the Internet, it is closely associated with soldiers and warriors, men of valor, protectors of the home front—not wimps.

Yet, as women exert their power through feminism, both genders have lost the need and appreciation for chivalry so much so that when a young lady is offered such service, she not only doesn’t known how to respond but often feels very uncomfortable.

She needn’t worry too much in this day and age because few men have been taught to be comfortable offering chivalry.

The problem with this loss of chivalry, and a severe loss it may be, is that these seemingly small acts of valor are how we nurture a cooperative balance within marriage, show Christian love, nurture both stranger and friend, and avoid self-focus by remaining in a pattern of service for others. You can see how, without this skill, we decrease our chance to touch others lives even as Christ touched them—a great loss, indeed. But don’t sweat it. Though it is a serious matter, it’s easy and fun!

As we transition our focus from warriors and solders to dating relationships, it’s important to restate to the world that women want to be protected and treated in a special way, pretty much across the board. Being protected encourages a feeling of femininity.

Chivalry is the term that best describes the treatment that makes us feel special, feminine. If we feel feminine, we will behave in a feminine manner. When around a guy we are partial to, even the most tomboyish girl wants to feel like a woman. This is a natural reinforcement of God’s plan.

A brave man of valor would not shy away from exercising chivalrous behavior to all women simply because of the few that don’t want chivalry. A woman at work told me that her new husband always opens doors for her—every door. Her first husband never did this and she had forgotten, until now, just how special it made her feel. Women really want to be treated like women.

You guys may ask, "What do I do to be that knight in shining armor, what actions, what words?" Well, let’s go on a chivalrous dinner date. We are going retro here—pulling out all the stops. Nevertheless, this is something you should do every day. It would be very natural if you did so, but hold to this practice, at least, on every dinner date. You think I am nuts but you really should try it. It’s very fun and renders a lifetime of rewards for both persons. Though we put a lot of serious intellectual material in this book, we are all about fun!

We are talking to the guys, now, but girls, read on. You need to know what to expect.

Once meeting all the prerequisites and initiating a formal dating agreement, plan a dinner date and ask your girl out. You might consider dressing up a bit and going to a nice restaurant, one you can afford like, well, Taco Bell. Now that you have decided where you are going, pick your girl up at her house.

Get out of your car. Go to her front door and knock. When she opens the door, present her with a small bouquet of flowers. And don’t forget a small bouquet for her mom.

Of course, you must plan ahead by stopping at Safeway or Albertson’s on the way to her house. I really don’t recommend picking the roses or carnations by your girl’s front door. That is just not the way to win friends and influence people. Having said to avoid your girl’s yard doesn’t mean to access the neighbor’s instead. Really, you should buy or pick your own homegrown flowers. ;-)

But, flora or fauna need not be the only choice. You may gift a little bottle of real maple syrup or Martineli’s Sparkling Cider (non-alcoholic sparkling juice). Any small, inexpensive offering of the heart is fine. You aren’t proposing. It’s just a dinner date.

After gifting the flowers appropriately, offer your arm to your girl, which she will take readily. Relax and don’t be stiff about it. If you are relaxed, she will be, too. Putting your other hand on her hand, which is already curled under and around your forearm, will help both of you relax. Escort her to the car, open the door and seat her.

Now this is key. Don’t mess this up—when her hands, arms and feet are all inside the vehicle, then close the door. ;-)

Walk around to your side of the car and seat yourself. Drive nicely to the restaurant (not that I would question your nice driving, but . . . . ) and park the car.

Get out, walk around the other side of the car, and open the door for her. Offer your hand for her to support herself while climbing out. Now since you already have a hold of her hand, simply bring it around your other arm as though you offered your arm anew.

Walk her to the front door of Taco Bell and open the door, allowing her to enter first. Escort her to the table and seat her by holding the back of the chair and scooting it in a bit (OK, if you can scoot the chair, you probably aren’t at Taco Bell.).

Once she is seated comfortably, seat yourself, and ask her what she would like to order. I am sure that she does not need to see a menu because everyone knows the Taco Bell menu by heart. But, if she does need a menu, you can either view it from the table if it is hanging on the wall, or you can escort her where it is view before seating her. Don’t worry that someone might get ahead of you in line while you are doing all of this. You are both enjoying "the moment" and you don’t care.

If you need to write her order down, do so . . . no big deal. Then go order for her, as well as for you. If you are not at Taco Bell and your order goes to the waiter or waitress at your table, you should still order for her. She may be capable, but you are chivalrous – which is way better than capable. Please order and pay for her—with your money.

While waiting for your number or name to be called, it’s a good time to get her beverage . . . and her taco sauces and napkins (note the plural of both—it is Taco Bell.).

When your number is called, pick up the food, ask God’s blessing on it together, and then pig out—politely, of course. It is always most appropriate to wait until the girl takes the first bite to start. When at a dinner party, you wouldn’t take a bite of each course until the host or hostess does so (just a little etiquette tip).

Once you are done eating, collect the refuse (garbage) onto the tray, empty that in the garbage and place the tray on top. Go back to the table and unseat her just exactly opposite of how you seated her. Offer your arm and walk her to the door, opening it for her to go through first, and repeat the whole car process over again—not forgetting any steps, especially the hands, arms and feet inside the car part. ;-)

When you get home—and I assume that you are now going home rather than to Inspiration Point—do all the same escorting practices again and walk her to the front door, again on your arm. Thank her for a wonderful evening and bid her goodnight. Before you leave, go into the house, get out the smelling salts and awaken the disbelieving, fainting parents of this girl.

Is this crazy? LOL . . . the girls should love this. If they don’t love it, don’t stop. Practice it until they do. Truthfully, this will feel uncomfortable until practiced many times, but do practice.

Well, you say that your girl likes to do things herself and really doesn’t care if you are chivalrous or not. Well, then educate her on how it should be—kindly, of course, but educate her.

It’s time to get back on board with this ancient concept, Guys. It’s a good place to start the return of proper gender roles. How can I adequately stress the importance for both guys and girls to resurrect this old-fashioned past time?

Open the door for her whenever she has to go through any door. I’m serious. And Girls, let him. Actually, guys should do this for any woman, including a stranger, at every opportunity. 

A few women may faint if a young man in this generation started opening doors for them all the time. Now don’t use fainting spells as an excuse to avoid opening doors, but you might have to start carrying smelling salts.

If your date is going to sit down anytime, seat her. If there is a large step somewhere, take her hand and help her up. If you are walking by the street, the girl always gets the safe side, and you walk closest to the traffic.

If she needs something, offer to get it for her. These are the little things that make us feel protected and feminine (and wooed). As I said, it restores the original plan of God for man to protect and nurture his helpmeet.

Chivalry goes beyond that of kindness.

Chivalry includes protecting your girlfriend or spouse from verbal abuse or inappropriate communication. If someone is "in her face" or yelling at your girl, you need to intervene—it matters not whether the person is her mother, your father, her boss, or the neighbor.

If the other person is communicating in a professional or Christ-like manner without invading personal space, just stand by to be supportive as needed. But if the behavior is aggressive, invading her physical space, you need to interrupt with wisdom and tact to facilitate communications back to a calm and intelligent discussion.

If someone is "in her face", she will want your help, but if in doubt, interrupt and ask her. A break in the focus might be beneficial, and there is no rule that says you have to guess what she wants during these difficult situations.

If this person won’t back off, simply encourage them both to sit down and discuss this rationally, or tell them that you will reschedule this discussion until the emotions have calmed. If this is ineffective, remove her from the situation.

No communication is better, at this moment, than destructive communication that both will likely regret. This is your job to intervene—without hesitation. Just be sure to facilitate the date and time of a future meeting and both of you keep that appointment. You must resolve the issue or your "protection" will bounce back on you . . . and your woman.

The lack of action when your girl is being accosted translates into lack of respect, not for the person attacking her, but for you. It’s a biggy—a real biggy!

Like I said, chivalry is for the brave. If you are not brave enough to jump in there appropriately (meaning protecting by keeping the communication professional), this knight in shining armor just turned into a prospector on a mule. Women feel unsafe when "our guy" can stand by and watch while his woman is verbally attacked. I could go on . . . but won’t. I hope you get my drift.

With the feminist movement, there was a time when guys were "risking their life" to act with such chivalry, and Satan was well pleased at his success in the cosmic battle. Let’s launch a counter-attack and surprise the world! Maybe we girls would even start wanting to wear dresses again if guys modeled the godly charm of their strength with this old-fashioned practice.

Ladies, be amenable within godly reason, enjoying his charm by accepting his chivalry. As long as you are in a defined relationship, you can even encourage him in chivalrous behaviors, supporting his desire for masculinity as he shows off the woman on his arm.

Chivalry doesn’t end at the wedding, so set this standard right now for life. If each of you nurture and encourage gender differences by going retro, you will be blessed, marriages will be blessed, and God will smile. I know He will!

The following chapter extends chivalry in a bit of an abstract way. There is something heroic about living an admirable life, about exhibiting a knowledge that entices others to desire the same. Following are the keys of how to live life, how to have-it-together, the basic personal skills that, when applied to your own life, will set an example of winning friends and influencing people. Yet, it’s all so simple that even a child can do it—if they just knew . . . .

 

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