Caution: Up To Date is designed to be read in a linear fashion, as each chapter builds on principles established in the previous chapters. For your best relationship success, begin with the introduction and progress chapter by chapter.
Chapter Fourteen
Screening Criteria
"That thou mayest regard discretion,
and that thy lips may keep knowledge" (Proverbs 5:2).
So, how does a guy pick which girl to date? I think comparing the process with hiring an employee takes a bit of the romance out of it, but a guy could start with screening the applicants. ;-) OK, there really should be no applicants, but rather those with whom you associate.
It would be wise at this point to come up with a list of criteria you want in a spouse before doing this screening. Many people have already done this prior to now, but for those who have not, let’s go over how to make a criteria list--in order of importance.
First, we should do an overview of the term "screening", which does not actually pinpoint that "one". Screening simply means to rule out those who do not fit the dating criteria, and learn which ones (plural intended) might fit the criteria.
As you read further, keep in mind that screening may be confused with the "working phase" of mid-courting. The difference between the two is that screening is a solitary process while the "working phase" (detailed in a later chapter) requires two active participants. Screening is simply a process of elimination—an intellectual exclusion before emotions can persuade you otherwise.
Dating someone who is not worthy, or whose values differ from yours, is neither wise nor fair to yourself or that person. It is dangerous. Now you are saying, "duh! I think we knew that." But, be wary! It’s that confidence that sets one up for failure. This unwise dating is the practice of many, and most feel it harmless. We call it "dating-for-fun. "It’s too easy to get emotionally attached to someone you hang out with a lot or are dating-for-fun. Emotions sneak up on you and then emotional decisions follow—messing up more than one life. Screening decreases risky dating.
When we wouldn’t suggest dating or hanging out with a person, or group of people, who do not fit your criteria, we also don’t recommend snubbing that person or persons, by all means. Christ gives us a much different example. However, don’t seek them out or spend exclusive time with him or her.
But as you will see, you are not to seek out and spend exclusive time with the ones who do fit those criteria . . . yet. Are you confused? Read on.
We would all be amazed at how many casual "friends" hearts have been broken because of a misunderstanding of attentions. If guys could really understand how girls think (even girls who are just friends), they could see that time spent is wooing even if it is just getting help with homework.
However, it can go both ways. Guys, too, can find themselves wooed by spending time in a girl’s presence even with no social intentions. Any attentions or extended interactions such as homework help should be sought from friends of the same gender lest you give unintentional signals of interest.
This screening plan could change the way you deal with your friends, but truly, fewer hearts would be broken unnecessarily if we were more cautious about how we treated our general friends. Individuals should find it in their hearts to be sensitive to this potential without paranoia – a balance difficult to attain.
It’s a lot easier, and safer, to screen out those who are obviously poor marriage candidates (no matter how much you might be drawn) lest you "accidentally" date someone with a lower level of values or incompatible. In order for the mind to over rule emotions, screening criteria must be well defined well in advance or your heart might persuade the criteria to change.
There are two screening categories when choosing your friends, those with whom you hang out, or someone who might be a potential date. It’s kind of like God’s law: one is written in stone by the finger of God and the other dictated to, and penned by, Moses. One will never change, but the other may be adjusted to various phases or timing.
Keep in mind that we are not talking about emotional draw, but we are intellectually reviewing character traits to determine in our mind who will not win special attention.
Below are some examples, and you will want to add to them, but avoid a long list in either category.
Category one—written in stone
Spiritual:
He or she must have a personal relationship with Christ demonstrated by a life that is representative of Him: humble, teachable, unselfish, and pure—characteristics otherwise known as "fruits of the Spirit." There are a few more and you can look them up in Galatians 5:22. Not everyone is going to have every fruit, but they need to reflect at least those above if you want to avoid disappointed hopes in marriage.
Purity:
This criteria is discussed in detail in a later chapter.
Practicality:
That "one" person needs to be motivated to work, be it at home or out, and be able to manage spending.
Category two—somewhat flexible
Life interests:
Personal interests on this list should apply only to the things that are big in your life. This is not the place to dream of interests you would like to be a part of your lifestyle. Why? Because you would be asking or expecting something based on someone you are not. Base your interest list on current activities and lifestyle.
These tastes will change in both of you as you grow and mature, and you can’t know now howit will change, which is why interests are on the list of flexible criteria. Yes, things that you would never consider doing now, you may really enjoy in another thirty or forty years; the idea here is that you will still be married to the same person at the end of those years.
Change is a part of life, and if God is leading (if you allow Him to lead), you are more likely to follow similar interests in the future if you begin with the same. Of course, God can work a miracle of compatibility if you don’t start with similar interests, but we have often seen that to be a presumptuous mistake. Make things easier, and not more difficult, for yourself and for God. ;-)
Base this interest list on reality, but keep the terms general. For example, if you are an avid camper, the very general characteristic of being outdoorsy might be best. If you travel a lot, "mobile" should be on that list. Limit this portion of the list to five or more of your highest priority interests to avoid "detailing" yourself out of any prospects.
Physical:
This includes those really personal interests: blonde hair, blue eyes, just the right weight and shape. We all have our personal likes and dislikes.
Here I must say a couple of things: 1) don’t limit God, 2) if you can’t be drawn to them, you should not date them.
Well, those two statements sound rather contradictory, don’t they? Yes . . . and no.
The most important instruction for physical preference criteria is as follows: put no physical characteristics on your list. Everyone has their particular tastes, but they should never be found in print for several reasons:
If this topic comes up with your spouse after the wedding, and they really want to know, then share it. However, be sure to identify which characteristics in him or her were so special that you were drawn from your preconceived physical“ideal”—with every conversation on this topic—just a “safe” tip.
Parenthetical Statement:
At this point, we must share a disturbing observation for the sake of those to whom it applies. We often find that a man who will not date any woman who falls short of a super-model is very often the man that few women would choose to date—based on his physical attributes. Many of these individuals grumble over the lack of a gorgeous woman who swoons over him as though he were the most handsome man alive. Pornography is often the distorting culprit. Gentleman, if this is you, I beg you be converted. If choosing not to overcome this destructive vice, we recommend remaining as Paul of Tarsus—single. End of parenthetical statement.
Your physical preferences should not be shared before marriage, but neither should you share any of your other preferences with your friends or your date. If you have discretionary parents, of course they may be enlightened with your thoughts. Otherwise, a prudent person will just keep these details hidden in the heart.
One couple we mentored decided to sit down at the beginning of their dating experience and compare screening criteria. After all, if this was not the right one, there was no sense in wasting time dating. Though screening is not the “working phase” of middle dating, discussing personal screening criteria initiates a “working phase”,which jumps the relationship several steps further down the dating path. This couple’s relationship had no foundation to build upon before entering this working phase, and though their criteria were nearly identical, the relationship was overwhelmed too early, and they quickly parted.
This couple needed to just have some fun, get to know each other in a more special way, and leave the serious talk for a more appropriate time—way later. Taking each step in the appropriate order will assure greater success and less heartache, but that requires a great deal of discretion and self-control. This skill isn’t all too common. This story ended with a needless parting before a fair dating trial because of indiscrete and unnecessary disclosure of screening criteria.
So now you have a brief criteria/interest list, some on paper and some in your mind only. Having this list in the order of eternal priority, take a look at those around you. Rule out those who are not marriage material
based on your criteria. Keep your mind and actions square with your intentions, or lack thereof, toward these individuals. Be sure not to flirt or tease with him or her—ever.
The individuals who have not been ruled out should measure up to your spiritual and practical criteria, and at least a few of your interests. It can be confusing because you will find more than one that fits those criteria, so whom do you pick to date? I love this part! If you are prepped and ready to date, pick the one you like the most.
Yes, here is the appropriate time to make a completely emotional decision—after you have done the brainwork! It’s OK. As long as she fits all the criteria, then pick the one you like the most—absolutely! He may have given you the emotional draw to her, and now it’s time for you to trial a relationship to see if she is the one. God gave us emotion for a reason and He meant for us to use it . . . properly.
Ask God to lead and bless your dating--or not, according to His wise plan for you both. Then go for it. Be prepared to listen to God if He puts a few “nots”in there, though. Don’t make your first decision to move forward an eternal decision in spite of God. You cannot knowif she is the one at this point. You are testing the waters, which mean
there can be a “yes” or “no” answer from God over the next few months or years. There is no sin in a dating trial—rather, it’s the purpose of dating. Keep an open mind and clear path between you and God.
Girls, right now you are asking, “what about us? What input do we have in all of this?” Let’s rewind and take a look at a girl’s role in screening. Though you ought not to initiate the relationship, you need to have your criteria and screening tools set in place as well. Give no exclusive attention.
It is best if a girl doesn’t spend a lot of time day dreaming over a guy (or guys, in general). Doing so tends to nurture feelings even though a guy initiates nothing—that’s not fair to either of you. If he doesn’t ask you to date, you have set yourself up for hurt and any focus on him or pining over him could prevent your noticing the one God has in mind.
By remaining neutral, should a guy approach you about dating you will have already viewed him through the eyes of your criteria and will be able to give an intellectual answer in a reasonable time. If you aren’t sure whether you can be emotionally drawn toward him, it is OK to allow him a chance to woo you - that means saying“yes” to dating. Just be straight up with him. Tell him you aren’t sure about how you feel toward him, but you are willing to give him a chance to win you. Again, you can’t know if you don’t try, and such challenges are not offensive to guys.
Developing screening criteria doesn’t mean that guy-analysis should be the foremost activity in her life or even that she would look at every guy as a potential mate. This is not meant to be “husband hunting,” which is so loathsome to many. Screening simply means that to be aware of those who surround you while keeping your eyes on Christ and doing His bidding.
For the best success, Girls, screen in advance, trust God, and respect a guy’s right to single you out first, "That thou mayest regard discretion, and that thy lips may keep knowledge" (Proverbs 5:2). I couldn't say it any better.
Screening Criteria
"That thou mayest regard discretion,
and that thy lips may keep knowledge" (Proverbs 5:2).
So, how does a guy pick which girl to date? I think comparing the process with hiring an employee takes a bit of the romance out of it, but a guy could start with screening the applicants. ;-) OK, there really should be no applicants, but rather those with whom you associate.
It would be wise at this point to come up with a list of criteria you want in a spouse before doing this screening. Many people have already done this prior to now, but for those who have not, let’s go over how to make a criteria list--in order of importance.
First, we should do an overview of the term "screening", which does not actually pinpoint that "one". Screening simply means to rule out those who do not fit the dating criteria, and learn which ones (plural intended) might fit the criteria.
As you read further, keep in mind that screening may be confused with the "working phase" of mid-courting. The difference between the two is that screening is a solitary process while the "working phase" (detailed in a later chapter) requires two active participants. Screening is simply a process of elimination—an intellectual exclusion before emotions can persuade you otherwise.
Dating someone who is not worthy, or whose values differ from yours, is neither wise nor fair to yourself or that person. It is dangerous. Now you are saying, "duh! I think we knew that." But, be wary! It’s that confidence that sets one up for failure. This unwise dating is the practice of many, and most feel it harmless. We call it "dating-for-fun. "It’s too easy to get emotionally attached to someone you hang out with a lot or are dating-for-fun. Emotions sneak up on you and then emotional decisions follow—messing up more than one life. Screening decreases risky dating.
When we wouldn’t suggest dating or hanging out with a person, or group of people, who do not fit your criteria, we also don’t recommend snubbing that person or persons, by all means. Christ gives us a much different example. However, don’t seek them out or spend exclusive time with him or her.
But as you will see, you are not to seek out and spend exclusive time with the ones who do fit those criteria . . . yet. Are you confused? Read on.
We would all be amazed at how many casual "friends" hearts have been broken because of a misunderstanding of attentions. If guys could really understand how girls think (even girls who are just friends), they could see that time spent is wooing even if it is just getting help with homework.
However, it can go both ways. Guys, too, can find themselves wooed by spending time in a girl’s presence even with no social intentions. Any attentions or extended interactions such as homework help should be sought from friends of the same gender lest you give unintentional signals of interest.
This screening plan could change the way you deal with your friends, but truly, fewer hearts would be broken unnecessarily if we were more cautious about how we treated our general friends. Individuals should find it in their hearts to be sensitive to this potential without paranoia – a balance difficult to attain.
It’s a lot easier, and safer, to screen out those who are obviously poor marriage candidates (no matter how much you might be drawn) lest you "accidentally" date someone with a lower level of values or incompatible. In order for the mind to over rule emotions, screening criteria must be well defined well in advance or your heart might persuade the criteria to change.
There are two screening categories when choosing your friends, those with whom you hang out, or someone who might be a potential date. It’s kind of like God’s law: one is written in stone by the finger of God and the other dictated to, and penned by, Moses. One will never change, but the other may be adjusted to various phases or timing.
Keep in mind that we are not talking about emotional draw, but we are intellectually reviewing character traits to determine in our mind who will not win special attention.
Below are some examples, and you will want to add to them, but avoid a long list in either category.
Category one—written in stone
Spiritual:
He or she must have a personal relationship with Christ demonstrated by a life that is representative of Him: humble, teachable, unselfish, and pure—characteristics otherwise known as "fruits of the Spirit." There are a few more and you can look them up in Galatians 5:22. Not everyone is going to have every fruit, but they need to reflect at least those above if you want to avoid disappointed hopes in marriage.
Purity:
This criteria is discussed in detail in a later chapter.
Practicality:
That "one" person needs to be motivated to work, be it at home or out, and be able to manage spending.
Category two—somewhat flexible
Life interests:
Personal interests on this list should apply only to the things that are big in your life. This is not the place to dream of interests you would like to be a part of your lifestyle. Why? Because you would be asking or expecting something based on someone you are not. Base your interest list on current activities and lifestyle.
These tastes will change in both of you as you grow and mature, and you can’t know now howit will change, which is why interests are on the list of flexible criteria. Yes, things that you would never consider doing now, you may really enjoy in another thirty or forty years; the idea here is that you will still be married to the same person at the end of those years.
Change is a part of life, and if God is leading (if you allow Him to lead), you are more likely to follow similar interests in the future if you begin with the same. Of course, God can work a miracle of compatibility if you don’t start with similar interests, but we have often seen that to be a presumptuous mistake. Make things easier, and not more difficult, for yourself and for God. ;-)
Base this interest list on reality, but keep the terms general. For example, if you are an avid camper, the very general characteristic of being outdoorsy might be best. If you travel a lot, "mobile" should be on that list. Limit this portion of the list to five or more of your highest priority interests to avoid "detailing" yourself out of any prospects.
Physical:
This includes those really personal interests: blonde hair, blue eyes, just the right weight and shape. We all have our personal likes and dislikes.
Here I must say a couple of things: 1) don’t limit God, 2) if you can’t be drawn to them, you should not date them.
Well, those two statements sound rather contradictory, don’t they? Yes . . . and no.
The most important instruction for physical preference criteria is as follows: put no physical characteristics on your list. Everyone has their particular tastes, but they should never be found in print for several reasons:
- Writing, reading, and re reading physical preferences reinforces them in your mind. However, if a person has spiritual, practical, and interest-characteristics that draw you, God will work out the physical attraction—if you let Him. Personal preferences are fine, but avoid reinforcing your own desires. God may have something better in store for you.
- If you write or speak of physical preferences, it is too easy to skew your order of priorities, which should be eternal import followed by the temporal.
- Keeping these preferences to yourself avoids others tendency to stereotype your personality and character based on those.
- If you originally wanted a thin, blonde hair, blue-eyed athlete but are dating a plump brunette, he or she may be insecure, feeling that you "just settled."
If this topic comes up with your spouse after the wedding, and they really want to know, then share it. However, be sure to identify which characteristics in him or her were so special that you were drawn from your preconceived physical“ideal”—with every conversation on this topic—just a “safe” tip.
Parenthetical Statement:
At this point, we must share a disturbing observation for the sake of those to whom it applies. We often find that a man who will not date any woman who falls short of a super-model is very often the man that few women would choose to date—based on his physical attributes. Many of these individuals grumble over the lack of a gorgeous woman who swoons over him as though he were the most handsome man alive. Pornography is often the distorting culprit. Gentleman, if this is you, I beg you be converted. If choosing not to overcome this destructive vice, we recommend remaining as Paul of Tarsus—single. End of parenthetical statement.
Your physical preferences should not be shared before marriage, but neither should you share any of your other preferences with your friends or your date. If you have discretionary parents, of course they may be enlightened with your thoughts. Otherwise, a prudent person will just keep these details hidden in the heart.
One couple we mentored decided to sit down at the beginning of their dating experience and compare screening criteria. After all, if this was not the right one, there was no sense in wasting time dating. Though screening is not the “working phase” of middle dating, discussing personal screening criteria initiates a “working phase”,which jumps the relationship several steps further down the dating path. This couple’s relationship had no foundation to build upon before entering this working phase, and though their criteria were nearly identical, the relationship was overwhelmed too early, and they quickly parted.
This couple needed to just have some fun, get to know each other in a more special way, and leave the serious talk for a more appropriate time—way later. Taking each step in the appropriate order will assure greater success and less heartache, but that requires a great deal of discretion and self-control. This skill isn’t all too common. This story ended with a needless parting before a fair dating trial because of indiscrete and unnecessary disclosure of screening criteria.
So now you have a brief criteria/interest list, some on paper and some in your mind only. Having this list in the order of eternal priority, take a look at those around you. Rule out those who are not marriage material
based on your criteria. Keep your mind and actions square with your intentions, or lack thereof, toward these individuals. Be sure not to flirt or tease with him or her—ever.
The individuals who have not been ruled out should measure up to your spiritual and practical criteria, and at least a few of your interests. It can be confusing because you will find more than one that fits those criteria, so whom do you pick to date? I love this part! If you are prepped and ready to date, pick the one you like the most.
Yes, here is the appropriate time to make a completely emotional decision—after you have done the brainwork! It’s OK. As long as she fits all the criteria, then pick the one you like the most—absolutely! He may have given you the emotional draw to her, and now it’s time for you to trial a relationship to see if she is the one. God gave us emotion for a reason and He meant for us to use it . . . properly.
Ask God to lead and bless your dating--or not, according to His wise plan for you both. Then go for it. Be prepared to listen to God if He puts a few “nots”in there, though. Don’t make your first decision to move forward an eternal decision in spite of God. You cannot knowif she is the one at this point. You are testing the waters, which mean
there can be a “yes” or “no” answer from God over the next few months or years. There is no sin in a dating trial—rather, it’s the purpose of dating. Keep an open mind and clear path between you and God.
Girls, right now you are asking, “what about us? What input do we have in all of this?” Let’s rewind and take a look at a girl’s role in screening. Though you ought not to initiate the relationship, you need to have your criteria and screening tools set in place as well. Give no exclusive attention.
It is best if a girl doesn’t spend a lot of time day dreaming over a guy (or guys, in general). Doing so tends to nurture feelings even though a guy initiates nothing—that’s not fair to either of you. If he doesn’t ask you to date, you have set yourself up for hurt and any focus on him or pining over him could prevent your noticing the one God has in mind.
By remaining neutral, should a guy approach you about dating you will have already viewed him through the eyes of your criteria and will be able to give an intellectual answer in a reasonable time. If you aren’t sure whether you can be emotionally drawn toward him, it is OK to allow him a chance to woo you - that means saying“yes” to dating. Just be straight up with him. Tell him you aren’t sure about how you feel toward him, but you are willing to give him a chance to win you. Again, you can’t know if you don’t try, and such challenges are not offensive to guys.
Developing screening criteria doesn’t mean that guy-analysis should be the foremost activity in her life or even that she would look at every guy as a potential mate. This is not meant to be “husband hunting,” which is so loathsome to many. Screening simply means that to be aware of those who surround you while keeping your eyes on Christ and doing His bidding.
For the best success, Girls, screen in advance, trust God, and respect a guy’s right to single you out first, "That thou mayest regard discretion, and that thy lips may keep knowledge" (Proverbs 5:2). I couldn't say it any better.
