Caution: Up To Date is designed to be read in a linear fashion, as each chapter builds on principles established in the previous chapters. For your best relationship success, begin with the introduction and progress chapter by chapter.
Chapter Twenty-two
“Woohoo . . . Or Woo Who?”
“My beloved spake, and said unto me, Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.
My beloved is white and ruddy, the chiefest among ten thousand. His head is as the most fine gold,
his locks are bushy, and black as a raven” (Solomon 2:10; 5:10, 11).
For guys only . . . (girl's is below)
Wooing, as we have discusses before, begins after initiating an official relationship. You have done the intellectual process, and now it’s time to begin to develop an emotional bond. Woohoo!
There are as many ways to woo as there are people in the world, but it is not uncommon for a guy to feel inadequate in this area. In truth, I have met only one guy that couldn’t seem to woo. I think he might have been able, but just preferred to avoid the “chore.” His handicap may have been his feelings of inadequacy. I am not sure how many guys I know, but per my own statistics, this one guy out of thousands is not you, so no need to question your abilities. You are quite capable, but let’s see if we can boost your confidence.
A sincere Christian girl will not expect spectacular wooing, and if you wow her initially, you have no place to go but downhill. Start small, as she will relish the smallest gesture from a Hershey's chocolate kiss to making dinner together. If you notice a strange look with any gesture, it doesn’t mean that you failed. It may mean that she wonders why she should deserve such a great guy.
According to The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman, wooing is accomplished with words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch. All of these are at your disposal with significant restriction to physical touch, which we address later. Since wooing demonstrates your unique personality, woo in your own way, but do woo. Though there is no right way to woo, there are a few ways not to woo.
Don’t do woos
Be sure to woo within appropriate common etiquette so as not to embarrass your girl, such as when a sweet young man climbed over the church pew so he could sit by me when I was in high school. Even in his less-than-etiquette performance, I saw the woo, the intent of his sweet gesture, yet I believe the inappropriately demonstrated sweetness did have a negative impacted the relationship.
Bossy or demanding behavior, even in jest, is another form of negative wooing. Some may see it as cute, but keep in mind that you demonstrate your unique character when wooing, which may have her questioning if this jest will one day turn real. In one case it turned real when his note said he would be “so mad” if she didn’t meet him at such a place and time and she didn’t show. Assuming aggressive behavior is an acceptable form of wooing shows character instability, which isn’t likely to woo an astute girl. Aggressive behavior, jesting or not, should not enter the relationship.
The word “love” should not be used to woo, but should be used only after you have wooed her long enough to remove all doubt, and you have a solid plan for a permanent commitment – that’s after about two-and-a-half years of dating. Love is a description, not a woo.
Avoid wooing with large gifts the first year of dating. Simple holiday and birthday gifts are fine, but no spontaneous gifts larger than a candy bar or flowers. In spite of the motive, larger gifts may be implied as a greater commitment than intended or as intent to purchase a commitment, leaving the recipient obligatory. Where a significant monetary sacrifice might be a sweet gesture, restrain excessive generosity until after that first year, or longer.
Anniversaries are just that, an annum, or one year. Avoid making big events out of each successive month of dating. Acknowledgement of time passed is fine, but celebration should be left for that one year mark. Marking “anniversaries” each month, as a married couple might each year, may subconsciously imply too heavy a commitment for the first year—too much wooing for the early stages.
Please do woos
Eye contact and looks fall into the affirmation category, and the looks you give can make a big impact. When everyone is around but you sneak a glance at her, making eye contact, when you smile or wink at her, these things show that you are thinking of her even if you can't be next to her. She may blush until she gets used to such attention, but you will win her heart. Sometimes, blushing is a good thing.
You can also send her an email or text from across the room, a completely insane idea in a guy’s logical mind. Girls appreciate logic. Girls also appreciate appropriate but completely illogical things you would only do for her, setting her apart from all the other girls around – definitely an emotional draw.
Notes . . . write notes even if you are where you can talk. If she is headed for town with her mom, slip a note in her hand before she leaves so she can read it on the way. It doesn't have to be a long note or drawn out letter. It should be just a simple, but sincere "thinking of you” or “your smile brightens my day” kind of note. There are many creative ways to do such a thing. Just remember that it doesn't matter how uncreative you feel, if you are giving her attention, you are doing a great job.
Bringing her a flower is a nice woo, even if just picked off the side of the road—but not out of the neighbor’s yard, please.
Quality time together is really a big woo for girls. When Dan and I were dating, we both had a wonderful time just throwing rocks in the river at the park. It is important to plan special things on occasion, just so she knows you can, but remember not to overindulge in quality time the first year, limiting it to no more than a few times a week to maintain a paced relationship.
Be a best friend, talk to her, and tell her about your day. Expose her to new interests, treating her as though she is intelligent, because she is intelligent. She will want to talk about and participate in activities that interest you, as well. Monitor your conversations so one person’s interests are not inadvertently dominating your conversations or activities.
She will always notice self-sacrifice on your part. Give of yourself with no strings attached. Do things for her, and with her, such as helping out around the house, pulling weeds, planting the garden, vacuuming, doing dishes, and helping her with any physical work for which she is responsible. Be ready to offer a helping hand well before she can think about asking. This is one woo that is often practiced right up to the alter and then never again. Wooing is a lifetime event. If you will be her biggest hero, make today’s woo go on forever.
Treat her parents with love and respect even if she doesn’t have the best relationship with them. This woo should also last long into marriage.
Making real dating plans with more than one item on the agenda is always a great wooing technique. Plan to see the air museum and then go to Serendipity’s for ice cream afterwards. It’s not so much the activity, but the time you took to plan ahead that woos her. And of course the time together doesn’t hurt, either.
She will be wooed just seeing you demonstrate your manliness, which means something different to her than it does to you. To her, true manliness means that you are secure in where you are and where you are going in life, and that security is demonstrated with humility. Of course staying clean cut with appropriate behavior and not making a complete fool out of yourself will draw her, as well. Chivalry is a big woo. Opening doors for her will make her feel special. Acknowledging her effort when you are on the receiving end of wooing is in itself, a woo. One of the most effective ways for a man to woo is simply to understand her emotions and way of thinking. Well, maybe it’s impossible to be simple when it comes to female emotions, but asking her to explain her emotions in a non-confrontational, caring, and understanding way shows recognition of her femininity, a critical aspect of wooing. Reassurance in the relationship, again a gender difference, is not only a woo if sincere, but an important masculine responsibility. She needs to have, at least, weekly reassurance of your interest in her. Recognizing the different thought processes between genders and being attentive to her feminine emotional needs is the best demonstration of masculinity, the best wooing, for any prospective wife
With five love languages, and every girl being different, it’s helpful to observe how she woos you, her demonstration of which wooing languages are important to her. Mingle her favorite languages with yours for variety sake, and you’ll win her heart.
For girls only . . .
Please do woos
Let’s see…”the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” That is a no-brainer, but what else can you do? Wash his car, treat his parents with love and respect even if he doesn’t have the best relationship with them, talk about his interests, and plan and participate in activities that he enjoys. Some activities might be boating, group backpacking or camping, walking on the beach, golfing, bicycling, library, and snowball or water fights. Activities for Christian dating are endless, but don’t overdo. As the relationship leader, he needs to do more planning than you, but you can be right behind him. Don’t forget to pace the dating, meeting no more than a few times a week the first year.
Please don’t do woos
What you win him with, you win him to. Think carefully about that. Though your soul encompasses your body, to keep him, you must win him with, and to, your soul.
The key to remember with guys is that once physical affection begins, you lose their intellectual attentiveness that is so necessary in getting to know him and him you. As much as you might want to enjoy physical attention, choose activities that prevent idle time, being alone, or temptation. Avoid romance in your plans for now. Just deny yourself that for a while . . . a long while, until enough time has passed to really know him. You’ll be glad you did.
Guys and gals
The best wooing, especially the first year, is to just have fun, so go have fun!
If, in the mean time you see something that you question, things that make you wonder, you always have resources with which to consult. By the way, who is that anyway? Well, you might just be surprised . . .
“Woohoo . . . Or Woo Who?”
“My beloved spake, and said unto me, Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.
My beloved is white and ruddy, the chiefest among ten thousand. His head is as the most fine gold,
his locks are bushy, and black as a raven” (Solomon 2:10; 5:10, 11).
For guys only . . . (girl's is below)
Wooing, as we have discusses before, begins after initiating an official relationship. You have done the intellectual process, and now it’s time to begin to develop an emotional bond. Woohoo!
There are as many ways to woo as there are people in the world, but it is not uncommon for a guy to feel inadequate in this area. In truth, I have met only one guy that couldn’t seem to woo. I think he might have been able, but just preferred to avoid the “chore.” His handicap may have been his feelings of inadequacy. I am not sure how many guys I know, but per my own statistics, this one guy out of thousands is not you, so no need to question your abilities. You are quite capable, but let’s see if we can boost your confidence.
A sincere Christian girl will not expect spectacular wooing, and if you wow her initially, you have no place to go but downhill. Start small, as she will relish the smallest gesture from a Hershey's chocolate kiss to making dinner together. If you notice a strange look with any gesture, it doesn’t mean that you failed. It may mean that she wonders why she should deserve such a great guy.
According to The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman, wooing is accomplished with words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch. All of these are at your disposal with significant restriction to physical touch, which we address later. Since wooing demonstrates your unique personality, woo in your own way, but do woo. Though there is no right way to woo, there are a few ways not to woo.
Don’t do woos
Be sure to woo within appropriate common etiquette so as not to embarrass your girl, such as when a sweet young man climbed over the church pew so he could sit by me when I was in high school. Even in his less-than-etiquette performance, I saw the woo, the intent of his sweet gesture, yet I believe the inappropriately demonstrated sweetness did have a negative impacted the relationship.
Bossy or demanding behavior, even in jest, is another form of negative wooing. Some may see it as cute, but keep in mind that you demonstrate your unique character when wooing, which may have her questioning if this jest will one day turn real. In one case it turned real when his note said he would be “so mad” if she didn’t meet him at such a place and time and she didn’t show. Assuming aggressive behavior is an acceptable form of wooing shows character instability, which isn’t likely to woo an astute girl. Aggressive behavior, jesting or not, should not enter the relationship.
The word “love” should not be used to woo, but should be used only after you have wooed her long enough to remove all doubt, and you have a solid plan for a permanent commitment – that’s after about two-and-a-half years of dating. Love is a description, not a woo.
Avoid wooing with large gifts the first year of dating. Simple holiday and birthday gifts are fine, but no spontaneous gifts larger than a candy bar or flowers. In spite of the motive, larger gifts may be implied as a greater commitment than intended or as intent to purchase a commitment, leaving the recipient obligatory. Where a significant monetary sacrifice might be a sweet gesture, restrain excessive generosity until after that first year, or longer.
Anniversaries are just that, an annum, or one year. Avoid making big events out of each successive month of dating. Acknowledgement of time passed is fine, but celebration should be left for that one year mark. Marking “anniversaries” each month, as a married couple might each year, may subconsciously imply too heavy a commitment for the first year—too much wooing for the early stages.
Please do woos
Eye contact and looks fall into the affirmation category, and the looks you give can make a big impact. When everyone is around but you sneak a glance at her, making eye contact, when you smile or wink at her, these things show that you are thinking of her even if you can't be next to her. She may blush until she gets used to such attention, but you will win her heart. Sometimes, blushing is a good thing.
You can also send her an email or text from across the room, a completely insane idea in a guy’s logical mind. Girls appreciate logic. Girls also appreciate appropriate but completely illogical things you would only do for her, setting her apart from all the other girls around – definitely an emotional draw.
Notes . . . write notes even if you are where you can talk. If she is headed for town with her mom, slip a note in her hand before she leaves so she can read it on the way. It doesn't have to be a long note or drawn out letter. It should be just a simple, but sincere "thinking of you” or “your smile brightens my day” kind of note. There are many creative ways to do such a thing. Just remember that it doesn't matter how uncreative you feel, if you are giving her attention, you are doing a great job.
Bringing her a flower is a nice woo, even if just picked off the side of the road—but not out of the neighbor’s yard, please.
Quality time together is really a big woo for girls. When Dan and I were dating, we both had a wonderful time just throwing rocks in the river at the park. It is important to plan special things on occasion, just so she knows you can, but remember not to overindulge in quality time the first year, limiting it to no more than a few times a week to maintain a paced relationship.
Be a best friend, talk to her, and tell her about your day. Expose her to new interests, treating her as though she is intelligent, because she is intelligent. She will want to talk about and participate in activities that interest you, as well. Monitor your conversations so one person’s interests are not inadvertently dominating your conversations or activities.
She will always notice self-sacrifice on your part. Give of yourself with no strings attached. Do things for her, and with her, such as helping out around the house, pulling weeds, planting the garden, vacuuming, doing dishes, and helping her with any physical work for which she is responsible. Be ready to offer a helping hand well before she can think about asking. This is one woo that is often practiced right up to the alter and then never again. Wooing is a lifetime event. If you will be her biggest hero, make today’s woo go on forever.
Treat her parents with love and respect even if she doesn’t have the best relationship with them. This woo should also last long into marriage.
Making real dating plans with more than one item on the agenda is always a great wooing technique. Plan to see the air museum and then go to Serendipity’s for ice cream afterwards. It’s not so much the activity, but the time you took to plan ahead that woos her. And of course the time together doesn’t hurt, either.
She will be wooed just seeing you demonstrate your manliness, which means something different to her than it does to you. To her, true manliness means that you are secure in where you are and where you are going in life, and that security is demonstrated with humility. Of course staying clean cut with appropriate behavior and not making a complete fool out of yourself will draw her, as well. Chivalry is a big woo. Opening doors for her will make her feel special. Acknowledging her effort when you are on the receiving end of wooing is in itself, a woo. One of the most effective ways for a man to woo is simply to understand her emotions and way of thinking. Well, maybe it’s impossible to be simple when it comes to female emotions, but asking her to explain her emotions in a non-confrontational, caring, and understanding way shows recognition of her femininity, a critical aspect of wooing. Reassurance in the relationship, again a gender difference, is not only a woo if sincere, but an important masculine responsibility. She needs to have, at least, weekly reassurance of your interest in her. Recognizing the different thought processes between genders and being attentive to her feminine emotional needs is the best demonstration of masculinity, the best wooing, for any prospective wife
With five love languages, and every girl being different, it’s helpful to observe how she woos you, her demonstration of which wooing languages are important to her. Mingle her favorite languages with yours for variety sake, and you’ll win her heart.
For girls only . . .
Please do woos
Let’s see…”the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” That is a no-brainer, but what else can you do? Wash his car, treat his parents with love and respect even if he doesn’t have the best relationship with them, talk about his interests, and plan and participate in activities that he enjoys. Some activities might be boating, group backpacking or camping, walking on the beach, golfing, bicycling, library, and snowball or water fights. Activities for Christian dating are endless, but don’t overdo. As the relationship leader, he needs to do more planning than you, but you can be right behind him. Don’t forget to pace the dating, meeting no more than a few times a week the first year.
Please don’t do woos
What you win him with, you win him to. Think carefully about that. Though your soul encompasses your body, to keep him, you must win him with, and to, your soul.
The key to remember with guys is that once physical affection begins, you lose their intellectual attentiveness that is so necessary in getting to know him and him you. As much as you might want to enjoy physical attention, choose activities that prevent idle time, being alone, or temptation. Avoid romance in your plans for now. Just deny yourself that for a while . . . a long while, until enough time has passed to really know him. You’ll be glad you did.
Guys and gals
The best wooing, especially the first year, is to just have fun, so go have fun!
If, in the mean time you see something that you question, things that make you wonder, you always have resources with which to consult. By the way, who is that anyway? Well, you might just be surprised . . .