Caution: Up To Date is designed to be read in a linear fashion, as each chapter builds on principles established in the previous chapters. For your best relationship success, begin with the introduction and progress chapter by chapter.
Chapter Twenty-four
Etiquette, Cause and Effect
“Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you,
do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets” (Matthew 7:12).
Culture—it’s who we are. Every nation, state, community, family, person, and even the genders have cultures and subcultures. By recognizing the subtle differences, we can respond with culture-wisdom, which is demonstrated by appropriate interpersonal interactions – etiquette.
With diversity touted everywhere today, it seems that each should be able to do his or her own thing without worrying about offending or being offended. The problem we face is that, culture or no, we are still human, and we will still have emotional responses to other’s behavior.
Etiquette in a relationship is not so much a list of dos and don’ts as an expression of perception, wisdom, and experience (be it our own or learned from another). It goes beyond knowledge and tolerance to understanding and respect, as well as a sensitive perception of emotional impacts that our own culture may have on others; in short, etiquette is our recognition of, and response to, cause and effect.
An excellent resource for basic etiquette might be The Family Book of Manners by Hermine Hartley, but the cause-and-effect scenarios we share below, along with their extensive rationales – some of which are discussed elsewhere in Up To Date – were shared with us by the many young people who experienced these painful events. Over time, we saw the same repetitive patterns painfully demonstrated in even more relationships, so we thought you’d like to be “in the know.”
Should these “issues” seem as nothing when first read, I pray that you understand their importance in the end. They are listed here only because of the seriousness in which they were brought to us by our young friends. The action may seem
insignificant, but it’s the subtle, often subconscious thought process behind the action that changes simple culture to relative significance. Many of these actions imply selfishness and disrespect -- proven relationship destroyers.
Following are some important cause-and-effect relationship-dampers along with etiquette tools to help you avoid unintentional pain and frustration. Though practicality does not allow us to cover every potential topic here, our list is long . . . but informative.
Privacy is the best policy
Sharing that you are interested in a particular girl with your friends before you initiate a relationship nearly always assures
that someone else will tell her about your interest -- and very often prematurely. This disclosure acts as wooing, even though it's from a source other than you, which sets up a difficult scenario. Should she become interested in you, but you delay in expressing your interest because you aren't yet ready, she will wonder and stress over whether it means you’ve changed your mind. That insecurity can create significant distractions from her daily routine, as well as an emotional roller coaster. Should you have actually changed your mind, her being informed prematurely creates a need to uninform her – let her know that you are no longer interested – even though you never told her that you were interested. Otherwise, she is left hanging with no closure. As you can see, being sensitive to a girl’s emotions becomes complicated when others are involved. It’s best to keep your interest to yourself until you are ready to take action.
Though it is complicated, there may be one situation where it is necessary for parents to share with a guy that their daughter is interested in him. This is when a guy has been directly wooing her, intentionally or otherwise, but is not initiating a relationship nor does it seem that he will (in other words, he's leading her on). Cluing him in to her interest will likely arrest his inappropriate behavior and hopefully become a learning tool for his future relationships. This disclosure is done to end a dysfunctional behavior/relationship and is the responsibility of astute parents rather than peers.
Girls should be respectful to guys by not flirting or leading on, but should she do so, this "interference" from parents would not be necessary. The young man, being the relationship leader, is not vulnerable to the emotional insecurities a waiting girl experiences, because he is free to initiate or not at his discretion.
Seek appropriate advice
Chapter twenty-three details appropriate advice-seeking, but it is again worthy to note that no matter how much you trust, love, and respect your peers, sharing information about issues with your date discredits him or her to your peers, begins a gossip trail, and decreases the likelihood of receiving experientially-wise advice – all relationship destroyers. Though asking advice from peers may be done with the best of intentions to improve your relationship, your date is likely to feel betrayed. Instead of building trust, a most critical barrier arises.
Though unintentional, understanding respect and privacy is rare within the peer circle, no matter the age, which is why many gender-exclusive gatherings favor the art of spouse-bashing. Of course, it is all done with the best of intentions of gathering support or problem solving. Whether young or old, it is best to keep advice-seeking to a select one or two defined couples as described in Chapter twenty-three, because . . . “I have been shown that around every family there is a sacred circle, which should be kept unbroken. Within this circle no other person has a right to come” (1NL 95.6). It would be good to practice now the rare talent of preserving that sacred circle. This also means that if a peer comes to you for advice, you may want to suggest that he or she seek counsel as described in this book or find a marriage/premarital counselor before they share anything with you.
Passing judgment
It’s very common for a friend to feel they know who might be best for someone to marry, and sometimes they are right. On the other hand, unless we see a “red flag” as discussed in Chapter twenty-six, to suggest who should and should not be dating is treading on dangerous ground. It is possible for our most sincere earthly influence to interfere with the heavenly. Even if we do see a “red flag,” facts rather than judgment calls should indeed be shared, but only after first addressing the issue with the actual person in question, thereby avoiding misjudgment.
Though not recommended, a quick switch from one dating relationship to the next may not necessarily indicate insincerity or less than noble motives, however it does risks one’s reputation. Passing judgment on another for making a quick
switch is equally risky. We’ve seen more than one situation where the “counterfeit” was quickly set aside for God’s choice for him or her. Bear in mind that it is possible for negative emotional deposits to decrease feelings until enough red flags are exposed to end the relationship, and seeing the wrong one clearly allows for seeing the right one even more clearly. It's also possible that he or she just might have been gracious in extending his or her date the chance to redeem him or herself. In reality, the switch may not really have been that quick, but only looked that way from the sidelines. This paragraph isn't meant to encourage rapid transfer of feelings, rather . . . it is meant as a caution to avoid passing judgement on another. Remember that cause and effect (success) is improved with extra caution whether we are experiencing or observing.
Appropriate disclosures of breaking up, sharing stories, and dating criteria
If you are considering a break-up, your date will want to hear that from you first, which is unlikely to happen if your circle of friends have been informed. Good news travels fast and bad news even faster. Apart from your resource couple with whom you are counseling, your date should always be the first to know of relationship changes.
Because friends will ask, most feel the need to give them an explanation to justify why they broke up, which always comes at the expense of the x-date. Discrediting your x-date also sheds a negative light on you, as well. Of course, it’s acceptable to discuss it with your spouse or fiancé at a later time, but no one except the one with whom you broke up and your resource couple need know that reason. The only exception would be that of exposing moral issues (Ten Commandment violations) should he or she begin dating one of your friends. This is a very unfortunate thing to share, but it's one of those situations where that exposure is a consequence following his or her choices. You have a responsibility to share, and the new date has a right to know.
Sharing stories about your date in social settings, though they may seem “cute” stories to you, may inadvertently upset, humiliate, and disrespect the very one you claim to care for the most. Since you and your date may judge “cute” very differently, it is always best to ask permission before sharing “innocent” stories. Developing respectful habits now will avoid a great deal of emotional trauma later, as this is often a significant issue after marriage.
Learning your date’s dating-criteria will tend to subconsciously alter behavior in order to please him or her, skewing the spousal screening process. Therefore, it is counter-productive to share your dating-criteria (character traits for your future spouse) with your date or your date's parents. In order to see the true character of your date during the stop, look, and listen phase, any future-spouse-preference-list should be shared only in counsel with your own parents and/or resource couple(s) – and no others.
Timing
Guys love suspense – to a certain extent. As you may have figured out by now, girls don’t often do well with the anxiety of anticipation, particularily in relationships. They tend to worry more than guys. I might guess that one of the major stomach ulcer sources in girls is the question: “Does he like me?” Should a guy learn that a girl is interested, dragging out a formal offer might unnecessarily stress her. If he is interested, but initiating a relationship at that time is premature, consider having a conversation with her like Jesse did with Annie – that is, “I can’t ask now, but soon.” If you are undecided as to whether you want to date her within a day or two after learning of her interest, she is not the one for you. Avoid acting ignorant as though you are unware of her interest. Even though it seems personally risky, let her know your intentions – or lack thereof. If you have no intentions and you realize that your behavior, flirting, or undue attention has spurred her interest to begin with (has wooed her), apologize and let her know you will not repeat any advances. She needs to know so that she can focus her attentions appropriately without confusion. The extent of a girl's stress and insecurity when unsure of a guy's interest is difficult for guys to understand, yet is the best reason to avoid wooing of any kind prior to initiating a formal relationship. The best first hint is at the asking, and then let the relationship develop from there rather than amid insecurity before the asking.
Guys may enjoy suspense at times, but this is not the case after he has asked a girl to date. It is best for a girl to answer a guy’s offer of relationship within one to two days at most. We've seen this times extended to weeks, which is unacceptable. Since prayers should be ascending daily for that future mate before this offer is made, a girl should know whether she wants to date almost immediately. If not, the answer is no. The right one usually carries much more enthusiasm upon initiation.
Making excuses for, or rationalizing away, another’s delay in answering or “leading on” almost always results in separation in the long run. If they don’t know within a few days at most, it’s a clear “no”. You may pity them. You may gift them with this book, but don’t excuse them or wait for them. They aren’t serious.
Talking, emailing, and/or seeing each other every day in the first year of dating (unless employment or education circumstances require it) advances the relationship too fast and, believe it or not, facilitates too much emotional anxiety for girls. Girls are strange. If you call her every day and then for some reason you don’t call one day, she will begin worrying that the relationship is over (more ulcers) – that is until a higher trust has been built, which takes considerable time. We recommend avoiding daily interaction until you have been dating at least a year. This will require self-control, but as with most temperance issues, the rewards are well worth the effort.
Talking about marriage within the first year of dating leads both guy and girl to open their hearts way too soon, maybe even be against their will, and it could be considered a lead-on. Guys are goal-oriented. Girls are process-oriented. Proceeding in a backwards order, that is talking marriage before accomplishing dating goals, will cause the relationship to be upside down, and you will likely to end up on the wrong side of the statistics be it before or after the wedding. In Dan’s favorite words: “Slow the love train down.” No need to ask questions or seek answers about marriage until much later. As mentioned, the best screening method isn’t through talking about marriage, but by stopping, looking, and listening.
Using the word “love” before the screening process is complete, and prior to meeting the appropriate dating goals, also fosters too early of an emotional commitment. "Love" should be used only after screening is done, goals are met, and the wooing has been successful, and it should not be used prematurely in order to woo. Proposal plans should be in the works before the word "love" is ever spoken. This discretion may take a lot of self-discipline, but such respect increases affection.
Girls initiating the first “I love you,” whether said, asked for, or hinted at, is likely to send him on the run. If he were emotionally
ready to hear it, he would have already said it. Guys should always be the first to say, “I love you.”
It may seem important to share virginity-status early in the relationship, but what if your date doesn’t respond that they are also a virgin? Their silence either brings immediate judgement, or worse, it inadvertently opens a discussion before the relationship is mature enough to discuss intimate things. If you are interested in a future with this individual, it is just best to avoid that discussion early on. Many say that they need to know that status to determine whether they are interested or not. Chapter thirty-one discusses this in more detail, sharing insight on appropriate timing for this disclosure.
Wooing
Though it is tempting to woo with all one’s heart when first dating, getting too carried away can lead to disappointment later. The young lady who suggested I include this tidbit didn’t realize that she was doing more wooing while dating than she ever could after marriage. As responsibilities stacked up, she was simply unable to continue those little spoilings. No longer receiving all the graciousness previously bestowed, he thought she had changed – a result she never intended. In reality, she was the same person inside. As is often the case, he fell in love with the wooing rather than the woo-er, which can happen with either gender. She suggests prudence and pacing in wooing.
When a guy verbalizes love, it draws more affection and commitment from her, so the word “love” should never be casual, flippant, or used as a woo, but rather as a sign of a lifelong commitment. Any other intention could be considered a “lead on.”
As mentioned above, the word "love" doesn't usually woo a guy, and it should not be used as a woo anyway.
When a guy approaches a girl to initiate a relationship, but he begins by dropping hints with the intent of predetermining her interest level, he sets both parties up for unnecessary and stressful misunderstandings - and it hints of cowardice. His thought processes are perfectly understandable. If she is not interested, why waste time or risk rejection? However, if she doesn’t seem interested, he may back out when she might have just been having a bad day. Backing out may make her day even worse if she really wanted him to ask. Often delay in asking creates a tendency to continue hinting until a solid positive reaction is noted. The delay leaves her in a serious state of confusion, which makes it more difficult for her to act positive. She may have observed the hint, delay, hint, delay, and hint-again pattern, which is an excruciating, suspenseful experience for girls. All this attention woos yet confuses, when wooing is better left for the formal relationship, and confusion is better left out of the equation. It is best to declare interest before hinting and to do so in the right order at the right time following a defined plan.
Even if you’ve told her you are not pursuing a relationship with her, every touch, every attention (playful or otherwise) means something very deep to a girl. I know, Guys, this seems crazy to you, but I didn’t say it makes sense. I am just stating reality. To give physical, emotional, and even spiritual attention will woo her, and then if you ignore her or move another direction she will feel cheap and betrayed, even if, and especially if, you declared the attention to mean nothing. Actions speak louder than words, and the term for touching without relationship intentions is leading-on. I want to be quite emphatic about this, so much as to say: “don’t touch, hands off,” but the publishing gurus tell me that to be so bold is not becoming to an author. If she falls and breaks her leg, you can help her, but in order to be justified in touching so much as her hand without definite relationship intentions, it better be in a similar emergent situation. Are you picking up on the urgency of this “suggestion”? If you don’t have intentions – honorable ones – and if you are not in a formal relationship with her already, avoid touching her hands, face, feet, arms, or anything else (by the way, don’t take that sentence to give license to touch if you are in a formal relationship). No matter what you’ve told her, your actions will speak louder than your words and touching means something to girls - it woos. This could be the case with some guys as well, so mutual respect should be considered.
With a similar thought process, Girls who use physical-draw to woo a guy will find that "what you win them with, you win them to." Winning them with your body wins them to your body – and to nothing else. Be sure that your dress does not declare this intent (see chapter twenty-two). If he consents to this kind of wooing, you may feel "loved" at the moment, but you won’t likely want him rearing your children. Astute guys also don’t want a wife whose principles allow her to market her body in such a way. We have often seen girls used for entertainment and then discarded, in turn ruining her chances to woo a solid guy. And guys who exploit such an opportunity with a girl are not likely to have a reputable girl ("the marrying kind")be interested in him later. Wooing with physical allurement fosters a physical relationship and a broken heart, even if, and especially if the couple marries.
It is impossible to understand or know the impact “innocent” teasing may have on someone you are not dating. Keep in mind that positive teasing is flirting (wooing) as each event leaves a deposit in their emotional bank account. Negative teasing even done with the best of intentions causes insecurity. Neither are good options. Many believe themselves safe to tease another married person, but how is it possible to know whether its wooing is causing something inappropriate within him or her? We may assume it is no big deal. He or she may even declare it to be no problem; but again, we cannot know what is going on in his or her mind – or heart. We may never know whether our "innocent" teasing contributed to his or her resentnet of his or her own situation, thereby causing him or her to stray later. Affairs start this way, yes, even with innocent jesting. It’s important that our actions, and any potential interpretation of, represent the side we declare in this cosmic battle.
Hanging-out is emotional wooing whether there has been an intellectual agreement of “no dating” or not. When guys and girls hang out as best friends, and more often when hanging out as a last-resort friend because there is no one else with whom to hang out, hearts end up broken. We’ve seen this again and again. This best friend scenario is the most frequently seen lead-on anywhere or anytime because . . . time spent is wooing. Unless this person qualifies as a candidate for spouse, it is really best to choose someone from your own gender as that hang-out friend. Please do not interpret this as instruction to ignore someone so he or she doesn't fall in love with you. We've seen this often as well, an ignorance that unintentionally hints of arrogance. The above caution is in direct reference to "hanging-out" as best friends which is much different than casual friendship. Be kind, be friendly, not overly-kind, not rude, realize that emotions are built by the number and quality of emotional bank deposits, and make daily choices accordingly.
Breaking up
Since hanging out woos no matter the relationship, it is best not to try to be friends after breaking up—at least not until a long time has passed. Stating that you want to break up does not stop the heart’s emotion. To appease one’s conscience by being especially nice or trying to renew the friendship is painful, confusing, and potentially cruel to either heart. It is best for broken couples to respectfully keep their distance.
“Brushing off” your date when breaking up leaves you as the one discredited (explained in chapter twenty-seven). It’s best to be straight up.
God?
When we study the Bible, learn its principles, and allow the Holy Spirit to guide, we can make safer, more educated decisions. With proper preparation, one can analyze characteristics, positive or negative, and the heart should solidify it, or not. God does not announce our life partner’s name over the loud speaker or in thunder – or by a sign. Prayer is an essential tool, asking God to open and close doors according to His will. Beyond that, it’s best to use the mind God gave you when choosing your date.
If you find yourself breaking up because you "don’t feel comfortable" about the relationship, identify why, as there is always a reason—always. The point of dating is to see if you are drawn closer or farther apart, so if you just aren’t interested in him or her any longer, it’s OK to recognize and admit that. Maybe he or she has a habit that drives you crazy. Maybe you see yellow or red flags. You may just feel restless. With each of these, you aren’t likely getting a vague impression from God. Your feelings are a reaction to your knowledge – conscious or subconscious. The often heard phrase, “God is telling me that I shouldn’t be in this relationship,” hints at fear, avoidance, and punting the responsibility from yourself onto God. It is best to define and disclose the issue on the cognitive level, because to break up without sharing a reason aside from “God doesn’t approve” leaves your date without closure, in fear of the future, and your vagueness discredits you.
Principles
Where we must analyze character traits, over-analyzing every action or word in the relationship creates fear and distrust. Your date is human, and he or she will make foolish statements and do foolish things that are not necessarily representative of a character flaw. We have seen many couples miss out on a lot of fun, and bonding, because of the problems created by over-analyzing a single statement or thoughtless reaction. One must be observant and concerned about patterns of statements and thoughtless reactions, but red and yellow flags exempt, it’s best to avoiding worrying over little isolated events. It’s a difficult balance, observing, discerning, and being merciful without excusing or justifying serious issues. Keep close to God, live your life by His example, educate yourself, communicate effectively, and have faith that God will appropriately open and close doors as you have asked.
Family culture is integral part of our own identity, and maintaining family culture throughout the dating process will help your date define the real you. It’s not uncommon for one to sacrifice his or her culture and family values, because “all that matters is that we are in love.” After marriage . . . it does matter. If you discarded your family’s culture while dating, when the honeymoon is over, disunity will follow as you return to what’s familiar-to-you but foreign to your spouse. Now the questions come up: whose culture will you follow, with whose ideas will you raise the kids, where will you go for holidays, how will you spend money? History and culture matters, so avoid discarding it in order to impress another. If being compelled to give up your culture completely, unless that culture is unbiblical, consider this relationship carefully, as that attitude could flow into other relationship areas. If culture is respected during dating, it is a great idea to create your own between the two of you by blending the most appreciated aspects from each – that's just fun.
A man who is financially provided for, rather than making his own way, is missing the emotional and intellectual development he needs to be ready to wed. If in school, it’s best not to get too close unless he is supporting himself at the time or has shown the ability to do so in the past. Many women have worked hard to support their husband, but for the man’s own emotional fulfillment, it is better to have a balanced income responsibility even during school, though it might mean a bit longer until grad. If you are sharing this responsibility, there is really no hurry.
Winning the heart of the most popular guy or girl may result in the brief ecstasy of victory, but likely to end in disappointment in a long term relationship. Receiving so much popular attention tends to foster questionable character traits that go unnoticed until the honeymoon wears off. It’s not that the characteristics are not evident. Rather, his or her charm that makes him or her so popular is the focus. If the person is popular because of their humility, service, and love for fellow man without arrogance, self-seeking, or multiple past relationships, then it may be worth the consideration. Choose your date based on godly characteristics, rather than lining up your taste with everyone else’s.
Teasing on positive topics can be wooing and very acceptable when in a relationship. Teasing on topics the recipient sees as negative does the opposite of wooing. Avoid teasing on a topic that is less than grand in the other’s eyes. This will likely mean a decrease in teasing. Be sure your date is the one to actually define into which category the topic falls.
Spending one-on-one time together with someone of the opposite gender, even in Bible study, may foster intimate feelings. Including a third party in your study group is always safer if intimate feelings are not desired or are inappropriate.
Self-confidence goeth before a fall. No one is exempt without the Spirit of God ruling our lives moment by moment. Any questions, ask Peter (Matthew 26:35, 75).
Marrying a second choice, after the love of your life breaks up with you, creates unhappiness for more than yourself. If your second choice can’t become your first choice by closer acquaintance, remaining single affects the happiness of only one – the more noble choice.
Following are some tidbits worth noting
Keep in mind that marriage is only the beginning of a lifetime commitment to continue the same wooing behavior as you demonstrated while dating.
A little display of affection in public is appropriate and good, but too much public sentimentalism is, well . . . too much. Aside from the consideration of appropriateness, consider the effect on those who don’t have anyone with which to share affection. Please be respectful to others by maintaining appropriate public affection, which includes social venues such as facebook – not a place to express romantic love.
If relocation is required to nurture a relationship, we’ve seen greater success when the guy moves closer to his date. Unless an engagement is in full force, and the wedding will be coming very soon, we do not recommend a girl to relocate. It’s easy for a guy, committed or no, to expect the girl to expend the effort of moving, changing jobs, and finding new friends. Many reasons are cited by a guy as to why the girl needs to do the moving, but past demonstration shows this unwise. If a guy is serious enough to make a move, he is well worthy of consideration - if not, well . . . .
Patterns worth cultivating
Take time to know him or her before dating – as defined in this book.
Uplift each other frequently, without flattery – that is, affirmation with sincerity, avoiding superficial ,or worldly, ego-building compliments.
No matter the pet names, remember to use his or her first name at least weekly.
If you suspect yourself in competition for a girl, instead of wooing to win her, follow the dating plan herein. As long as neither party prematurely shares with whom they are interested, as recommended, no one will know about the competition until she accepts or rejects a formal offer. The difficulty lies in telling others your plans. Should another “beat you to the punch,” just wait and pray. Take action at the appropriate time in the appropriate order and let God worry about the rest.
Enjoy wooing, within biblical parameters, only after officially initiating the relationship. Again, clarification of wooing: hanging out with or giving any more attention than you give any other (I wonder if the repetition of this concept throughout Up To Date adequately emphasizes the pain experienced by young people at the discarding of this principle . . . ).
Girls, encourage chivalry with appropriate wooing, that is, acting like a lady, at the very least during the times when chivalrous behavior is most appropriate such as on a date.
Consider calling or talking to her only two to three times a week the first six months of dating, three times a week the next six months, four times a week the next six months, and just about daily the following six months.
Girls, allow your man to lead in the relationship by not initiating calls or emails that exceeds the above numbers. Avoid changing your routine in hopes that you will run into him here or there or that he will stop to visit. Keep up your usual schedule and responsibilities.
Guys, do reassure her that you are still interested – every week. Don’t forget, especially in the beginning, that a girl always needs to know where she stands. If you don’t tell her, she cannot know.
Do correct a wrong as soon as possible rather than ignoring, rationalizing it away, or making it seem like you actually intended to do it (such as a premature “I love you”).
Do develop healthy dating principles.
Even while in a relationship, dates are best begun with the asking, being respectful of her time and schedule. This holds true whether just beginning a dating relationship or married eighty-five years. “Asking” rather than assuming demonstrates love and respect, the essence of a successful relationship.
Always have specific activities planned for date outings. Guys should choose those events at least 50 percent of the time.
Do only those activities on a date that would seem appropriate to do with your parents.
Guys, when it comes to making decisions, if a girl gives you an option of two activities, choose one. Don’t reply by inquiring which she wants to do. She just told you two options of things she’d like to do. We women need to know a guy’s preferences and indifference only inhibits her opportunity, her blessing, to know and please you. This issue, being a serious frustration in the majority of marriages, warrants early practice.
Time your sexual-past discussion appropriately prior to initiating the first kiss and before proposing, as described in chapter thirty-one.
Advance both the emotional and physical relationship appropriately together as defined in Up To Date.
Every action should preserve the privacy, heart, and dignity of your date and even your ex-date.
Moving on . . .
The highest law in the universe begins with love for God and ends with love for fellow man. These guidelines, when applied, decreasesthe likely-hood of painful relationships and increases the fostering of healthy love.
Since some individuals disregard these concepts in pursuit of self-interest, the number one contributor to divorce, how does one discern selfishness – how does one discern between simple charm and the smooth-talker? It comes down to deciphering his or her “true colors.”
Our American flag may be attractive, but it means much more when its symbolism is recognized:
Red - Hardiness and valor
White - Purity and innocence
Blue - Vigilance, perseverance, and justice
As each color in a flag represents a trait, each pattern of behavior in an individual represents some fairly predictable character colors, some of which are so predictable that they move from national to universal. Would you care for a little lesson in “posting the colors”?
Etiquette, Cause and Effect
“Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you,
do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets” (Matthew 7:12).
Culture—it’s who we are. Every nation, state, community, family, person, and even the genders have cultures and subcultures. By recognizing the subtle differences, we can respond with culture-wisdom, which is demonstrated by appropriate interpersonal interactions – etiquette.
With diversity touted everywhere today, it seems that each should be able to do his or her own thing without worrying about offending or being offended. The problem we face is that, culture or no, we are still human, and we will still have emotional responses to other’s behavior.
Etiquette in a relationship is not so much a list of dos and don’ts as an expression of perception, wisdom, and experience (be it our own or learned from another). It goes beyond knowledge and tolerance to understanding and respect, as well as a sensitive perception of emotional impacts that our own culture may have on others; in short, etiquette is our recognition of, and response to, cause and effect.
An excellent resource for basic etiquette might be The Family Book of Manners by Hermine Hartley, but the cause-and-effect scenarios we share below, along with their extensive rationales – some of which are discussed elsewhere in Up To Date – were shared with us by the many young people who experienced these painful events. Over time, we saw the same repetitive patterns painfully demonstrated in even more relationships, so we thought you’d like to be “in the know.”
Should these “issues” seem as nothing when first read, I pray that you understand their importance in the end. They are listed here only because of the seriousness in which they were brought to us by our young friends. The action may seem
insignificant, but it’s the subtle, often subconscious thought process behind the action that changes simple culture to relative significance. Many of these actions imply selfishness and disrespect -- proven relationship destroyers.
Following are some important cause-and-effect relationship-dampers along with etiquette tools to help you avoid unintentional pain and frustration. Though practicality does not allow us to cover every potential topic here, our list is long . . . but informative.
Privacy is the best policy
Sharing that you are interested in a particular girl with your friends before you initiate a relationship nearly always assures
that someone else will tell her about your interest -- and very often prematurely. This disclosure acts as wooing, even though it's from a source other than you, which sets up a difficult scenario. Should she become interested in you, but you delay in expressing your interest because you aren't yet ready, she will wonder and stress over whether it means you’ve changed your mind. That insecurity can create significant distractions from her daily routine, as well as an emotional roller coaster. Should you have actually changed your mind, her being informed prematurely creates a need to uninform her – let her know that you are no longer interested – even though you never told her that you were interested. Otherwise, she is left hanging with no closure. As you can see, being sensitive to a girl’s emotions becomes complicated when others are involved. It’s best to keep your interest to yourself until you are ready to take action.
Though it is complicated, there may be one situation where it is necessary for parents to share with a guy that their daughter is interested in him. This is when a guy has been directly wooing her, intentionally or otherwise, but is not initiating a relationship nor does it seem that he will (in other words, he's leading her on). Cluing him in to her interest will likely arrest his inappropriate behavior and hopefully become a learning tool for his future relationships. This disclosure is done to end a dysfunctional behavior/relationship and is the responsibility of astute parents rather than peers.
Girls should be respectful to guys by not flirting or leading on, but should she do so, this "interference" from parents would not be necessary. The young man, being the relationship leader, is not vulnerable to the emotional insecurities a waiting girl experiences, because he is free to initiate or not at his discretion.
Seek appropriate advice
Chapter twenty-three details appropriate advice-seeking, but it is again worthy to note that no matter how much you trust, love, and respect your peers, sharing information about issues with your date discredits him or her to your peers, begins a gossip trail, and decreases the likelihood of receiving experientially-wise advice – all relationship destroyers. Though asking advice from peers may be done with the best of intentions to improve your relationship, your date is likely to feel betrayed. Instead of building trust, a most critical barrier arises.
Though unintentional, understanding respect and privacy is rare within the peer circle, no matter the age, which is why many gender-exclusive gatherings favor the art of spouse-bashing. Of course, it is all done with the best of intentions of gathering support or problem solving. Whether young or old, it is best to keep advice-seeking to a select one or two defined couples as described in Chapter twenty-three, because . . . “I have been shown that around every family there is a sacred circle, which should be kept unbroken. Within this circle no other person has a right to come” (1NL 95.6). It would be good to practice now the rare talent of preserving that sacred circle. This also means that if a peer comes to you for advice, you may want to suggest that he or she seek counsel as described in this book or find a marriage/premarital counselor before they share anything with you.
Passing judgment
It’s very common for a friend to feel they know who might be best for someone to marry, and sometimes they are right. On the other hand, unless we see a “red flag” as discussed in Chapter twenty-six, to suggest who should and should not be dating is treading on dangerous ground. It is possible for our most sincere earthly influence to interfere with the heavenly. Even if we do see a “red flag,” facts rather than judgment calls should indeed be shared, but only after first addressing the issue with the actual person in question, thereby avoiding misjudgment.
Though not recommended, a quick switch from one dating relationship to the next may not necessarily indicate insincerity or less than noble motives, however it does risks one’s reputation. Passing judgment on another for making a quick
switch is equally risky. We’ve seen more than one situation where the “counterfeit” was quickly set aside for God’s choice for him or her. Bear in mind that it is possible for negative emotional deposits to decrease feelings until enough red flags are exposed to end the relationship, and seeing the wrong one clearly allows for seeing the right one even more clearly. It's also possible that he or she just might have been gracious in extending his or her date the chance to redeem him or herself. In reality, the switch may not really have been that quick, but only looked that way from the sidelines. This paragraph isn't meant to encourage rapid transfer of feelings, rather . . . it is meant as a caution to avoid passing judgement on another. Remember that cause and effect (success) is improved with extra caution whether we are experiencing or observing.
Appropriate disclosures of breaking up, sharing stories, and dating criteria
If you are considering a break-up, your date will want to hear that from you first, which is unlikely to happen if your circle of friends have been informed. Good news travels fast and bad news even faster. Apart from your resource couple with whom you are counseling, your date should always be the first to know of relationship changes.
Because friends will ask, most feel the need to give them an explanation to justify why they broke up, which always comes at the expense of the x-date. Discrediting your x-date also sheds a negative light on you, as well. Of course, it’s acceptable to discuss it with your spouse or fiancé at a later time, but no one except the one with whom you broke up and your resource couple need know that reason. The only exception would be that of exposing moral issues (Ten Commandment violations) should he or she begin dating one of your friends. This is a very unfortunate thing to share, but it's one of those situations where that exposure is a consequence following his or her choices. You have a responsibility to share, and the new date has a right to know.
Sharing stories about your date in social settings, though they may seem “cute” stories to you, may inadvertently upset, humiliate, and disrespect the very one you claim to care for the most. Since you and your date may judge “cute” very differently, it is always best to ask permission before sharing “innocent” stories. Developing respectful habits now will avoid a great deal of emotional trauma later, as this is often a significant issue after marriage.
Learning your date’s dating-criteria will tend to subconsciously alter behavior in order to please him or her, skewing the spousal screening process. Therefore, it is counter-productive to share your dating-criteria (character traits for your future spouse) with your date or your date's parents. In order to see the true character of your date during the stop, look, and listen phase, any future-spouse-preference-list should be shared only in counsel with your own parents and/or resource couple(s) – and no others.
Timing
Guys love suspense – to a certain extent. As you may have figured out by now, girls don’t often do well with the anxiety of anticipation, particularily in relationships. They tend to worry more than guys. I might guess that one of the major stomach ulcer sources in girls is the question: “Does he like me?” Should a guy learn that a girl is interested, dragging out a formal offer might unnecessarily stress her. If he is interested, but initiating a relationship at that time is premature, consider having a conversation with her like Jesse did with Annie – that is, “I can’t ask now, but soon.” If you are undecided as to whether you want to date her within a day or two after learning of her interest, she is not the one for you. Avoid acting ignorant as though you are unware of her interest. Even though it seems personally risky, let her know your intentions – or lack thereof. If you have no intentions and you realize that your behavior, flirting, or undue attention has spurred her interest to begin with (has wooed her), apologize and let her know you will not repeat any advances. She needs to know so that she can focus her attentions appropriately without confusion. The extent of a girl's stress and insecurity when unsure of a guy's interest is difficult for guys to understand, yet is the best reason to avoid wooing of any kind prior to initiating a formal relationship. The best first hint is at the asking, and then let the relationship develop from there rather than amid insecurity before the asking.
Guys may enjoy suspense at times, but this is not the case after he has asked a girl to date. It is best for a girl to answer a guy’s offer of relationship within one to two days at most. We've seen this times extended to weeks, which is unacceptable. Since prayers should be ascending daily for that future mate before this offer is made, a girl should know whether she wants to date almost immediately. If not, the answer is no. The right one usually carries much more enthusiasm upon initiation.
Making excuses for, or rationalizing away, another’s delay in answering or “leading on” almost always results in separation in the long run. If they don’t know within a few days at most, it’s a clear “no”. You may pity them. You may gift them with this book, but don’t excuse them or wait for them. They aren’t serious.
Talking, emailing, and/or seeing each other every day in the first year of dating (unless employment or education circumstances require it) advances the relationship too fast and, believe it or not, facilitates too much emotional anxiety for girls. Girls are strange. If you call her every day and then for some reason you don’t call one day, she will begin worrying that the relationship is over (more ulcers) – that is until a higher trust has been built, which takes considerable time. We recommend avoiding daily interaction until you have been dating at least a year. This will require self-control, but as with most temperance issues, the rewards are well worth the effort.
Talking about marriage within the first year of dating leads both guy and girl to open their hearts way too soon, maybe even be against their will, and it could be considered a lead-on. Guys are goal-oriented. Girls are process-oriented. Proceeding in a backwards order, that is talking marriage before accomplishing dating goals, will cause the relationship to be upside down, and you will likely to end up on the wrong side of the statistics be it before or after the wedding. In Dan’s favorite words: “Slow the love train down.” No need to ask questions or seek answers about marriage until much later. As mentioned, the best screening method isn’t through talking about marriage, but by stopping, looking, and listening.
Using the word “love” before the screening process is complete, and prior to meeting the appropriate dating goals, also fosters too early of an emotional commitment. "Love" should be used only after screening is done, goals are met, and the wooing has been successful, and it should not be used prematurely in order to woo. Proposal plans should be in the works before the word "love" is ever spoken. This discretion may take a lot of self-discipline, but such respect increases affection.
Girls initiating the first “I love you,” whether said, asked for, or hinted at, is likely to send him on the run. If he were emotionally
ready to hear it, he would have already said it. Guys should always be the first to say, “I love you.”
It may seem important to share virginity-status early in the relationship, but what if your date doesn’t respond that they are also a virgin? Their silence either brings immediate judgement, or worse, it inadvertently opens a discussion before the relationship is mature enough to discuss intimate things. If you are interested in a future with this individual, it is just best to avoid that discussion early on. Many say that they need to know that status to determine whether they are interested or not. Chapter thirty-one discusses this in more detail, sharing insight on appropriate timing for this disclosure.
Wooing
Though it is tempting to woo with all one’s heart when first dating, getting too carried away can lead to disappointment later. The young lady who suggested I include this tidbit didn’t realize that she was doing more wooing while dating than she ever could after marriage. As responsibilities stacked up, she was simply unable to continue those little spoilings. No longer receiving all the graciousness previously bestowed, he thought she had changed – a result she never intended. In reality, she was the same person inside. As is often the case, he fell in love with the wooing rather than the woo-er, which can happen with either gender. She suggests prudence and pacing in wooing.
When a guy verbalizes love, it draws more affection and commitment from her, so the word “love” should never be casual, flippant, or used as a woo, but rather as a sign of a lifelong commitment. Any other intention could be considered a “lead on.”
As mentioned above, the word "love" doesn't usually woo a guy, and it should not be used as a woo anyway.
When a guy approaches a girl to initiate a relationship, but he begins by dropping hints with the intent of predetermining her interest level, he sets both parties up for unnecessary and stressful misunderstandings - and it hints of cowardice. His thought processes are perfectly understandable. If she is not interested, why waste time or risk rejection? However, if she doesn’t seem interested, he may back out when she might have just been having a bad day. Backing out may make her day even worse if she really wanted him to ask. Often delay in asking creates a tendency to continue hinting until a solid positive reaction is noted. The delay leaves her in a serious state of confusion, which makes it more difficult for her to act positive. She may have observed the hint, delay, hint, delay, and hint-again pattern, which is an excruciating, suspenseful experience for girls. All this attention woos yet confuses, when wooing is better left for the formal relationship, and confusion is better left out of the equation. It is best to declare interest before hinting and to do so in the right order at the right time following a defined plan.
Even if you’ve told her you are not pursuing a relationship with her, every touch, every attention (playful or otherwise) means something very deep to a girl. I know, Guys, this seems crazy to you, but I didn’t say it makes sense. I am just stating reality. To give physical, emotional, and even spiritual attention will woo her, and then if you ignore her or move another direction she will feel cheap and betrayed, even if, and especially if, you declared the attention to mean nothing. Actions speak louder than words, and the term for touching without relationship intentions is leading-on. I want to be quite emphatic about this, so much as to say: “don’t touch, hands off,” but the publishing gurus tell me that to be so bold is not becoming to an author. If she falls and breaks her leg, you can help her, but in order to be justified in touching so much as her hand without definite relationship intentions, it better be in a similar emergent situation. Are you picking up on the urgency of this “suggestion”? If you don’t have intentions – honorable ones – and if you are not in a formal relationship with her already, avoid touching her hands, face, feet, arms, or anything else (by the way, don’t take that sentence to give license to touch if you are in a formal relationship). No matter what you’ve told her, your actions will speak louder than your words and touching means something to girls - it woos. This could be the case with some guys as well, so mutual respect should be considered.
With a similar thought process, Girls who use physical-draw to woo a guy will find that "what you win them with, you win them to." Winning them with your body wins them to your body – and to nothing else. Be sure that your dress does not declare this intent (see chapter twenty-two). If he consents to this kind of wooing, you may feel "loved" at the moment, but you won’t likely want him rearing your children. Astute guys also don’t want a wife whose principles allow her to market her body in such a way. We have often seen girls used for entertainment and then discarded, in turn ruining her chances to woo a solid guy. And guys who exploit such an opportunity with a girl are not likely to have a reputable girl ("the marrying kind")be interested in him later. Wooing with physical allurement fosters a physical relationship and a broken heart, even if, and especially if the couple marries.
It is impossible to understand or know the impact “innocent” teasing may have on someone you are not dating. Keep in mind that positive teasing is flirting (wooing) as each event leaves a deposit in their emotional bank account. Negative teasing even done with the best of intentions causes insecurity. Neither are good options. Many believe themselves safe to tease another married person, but how is it possible to know whether its wooing is causing something inappropriate within him or her? We may assume it is no big deal. He or she may even declare it to be no problem; but again, we cannot know what is going on in his or her mind – or heart. We may never know whether our "innocent" teasing contributed to his or her resentnet of his or her own situation, thereby causing him or her to stray later. Affairs start this way, yes, even with innocent jesting. It’s important that our actions, and any potential interpretation of, represent the side we declare in this cosmic battle.
Hanging-out is emotional wooing whether there has been an intellectual agreement of “no dating” or not. When guys and girls hang out as best friends, and more often when hanging out as a last-resort friend because there is no one else with whom to hang out, hearts end up broken. We’ve seen this again and again. This best friend scenario is the most frequently seen lead-on anywhere or anytime because . . . time spent is wooing. Unless this person qualifies as a candidate for spouse, it is really best to choose someone from your own gender as that hang-out friend. Please do not interpret this as instruction to ignore someone so he or she doesn't fall in love with you. We've seen this often as well, an ignorance that unintentionally hints of arrogance. The above caution is in direct reference to "hanging-out" as best friends which is much different than casual friendship. Be kind, be friendly, not overly-kind, not rude, realize that emotions are built by the number and quality of emotional bank deposits, and make daily choices accordingly.
Breaking up
Since hanging out woos no matter the relationship, it is best not to try to be friends after breaking up—at least not until a long time has passed. Stating that you want to break up does not stop the heart’s emotion. To appease one’s conscience by being especially nice or trying to renew the friendship is painful, confusing, and potentially cruel to either heart. It is best for broken couples to respectfully keep their distance.
“Brushing off” your date when breaking up leaves you as the one discredited (explained in chapter twenty-seven). It’s best to be straight up.
God?
When we study the Bible, learn its principles, and allow the Holy Spirit to guide, we can make safer, more educated decisions. With proper preparation, one can analyze characteristics, positive or negative, and the heart should solidify it, or not. God does not announce our life partner’s name over the loud speaker or in thunder – or by a sign. Prayer is an essential tool, asking God to open and close doors according to His will. Beyond that, it’s best to use the mind God gave you when choosing your date.
If you find yourself breaking up because you "don’t feel comfortable" about the relationship, identify why, as there is always a reason—always. The point of dating is to see if you are drawn closer or farther apart, so if you just aren’t interested in him or her any longer, it’s OK to recognize and admit that. Maybe he or she has a habit that drives you crazy. Maybe you see yellow or red flags. You may just feel restless. With each of these, you aren’t likely getting a vague impression from God. Your feelings are a reaction to your knowledge – conscious or subconscious. The often heard phrase, “God is telling me that I shouldn’t be in this relationship,” hints at fear, avoidance, and punting the responsibility from yourself onto God. It is best to define and disclose the issue on the cognitive level, because to break up without sharing a reason aside from “God doesn’t approve” leaves your date without closure, in fear of the future, and your vagueness discredits you.
Principles
Where we must analyze character traits, over-analyzing every action or word in the relationship creates fear and distrust. Your date is human, and he or she will make foolish statements and do foolish things that are not necessarily representative of a character flaw. We have seen many couples miss out on a lot of fun, and bonding, because of the problems created by over-analyzing a single statement or thoughtless reaction. One must be observant and concerned about patterns of statements and thoughtless reactions, but red and yellow flags exempt, it’s best to avoiding worrying over little isolated events. It’s a difficult balance, observing, discerning, and being merciful without excusing or justifying serious issues. Keep close to God, live your life by His example, educate yourself, communicate effectively, and have faith that God will appropriately open and close doors as you have asked.
Family culture is integral part of our own identity, and maintaining family culture throughout the dating process will help your date define the real you. It’s not uncommon for one to sacrifice his or her culture and family values, because “all that matters is that we are in love.” After marriage . . . it does matter. If you discarded your family’s culture while dating, when the honeymoon is over, disunity will follow as you return to what’s familiar-to-you but foreign to your spouse. Now the questions come up: whose culture will you follow, with whose ideas will you raise the kids, where will you go for holidays, how will you spend money? History and culture matters, so avoid discarding it in order to impress another. If being compelled to give up your culture completely, unless that culture is unbiblical, consider this relationship carefully, as that attitude could flow into other relationship areas. If culture is respected during dating, it is a great idea to create your own between the two of you by blending the most appreciated aspects from each – that's just fun.
A man who is financially provided for, rather than making his own way, is missing the emotional and intellectual development he needs to be ready to wed. If in school, it’s best not to get too close unless he is supporting himself at the time or has shown the ability to do so in the past. Many women have worked hard to support their husband, but for the man’s own emotional fulfillment, it is better to have a balanced income responsibility even during school, though it might mean a bit longer until grad. If you are sharing this responsibility, there is really no hurry.
Winning the heart of the most popular guy or girl may result in the brief ecstasy of victory, but likely to end in disappointment in a long term relationship. Receiving so much popular attention tends to foster questionable character traits that go unnoticed until the honeymoon wears off. It’s not that the characteristics are not evident. Rather, his or her charm that makes him or her so popular is the focus. If the person is popular because of their humility, service, and love for fellow man without arrogance, self-seeking, or multiple past relationships, then it may be worth the consideration. Choose your date based on godly characteristics, rather than lining up your taste with everyone else’s.
Teasing on positive topics can be wooing and very acceptable when in a relationship. Teasing on topics the recipient sees as negative does the opposite of wooing. Avoid teasing on a topic that is less than grand in the other’s eyes. This will likely mean a decrease in teasing. Be sure your date is the one to actually define into which category the topic falls.
Spending one-on-one time together with someone of the opposite gender, even in Bible study, may foster intimate feelings. Including a third party in your study group is always safer if intimate feelings are not desired or are inappropriate.
Self-confidence goeth before a fall. No one is exempt without the Spirit of God ruling our lives moment by moment. Any questions, ask Peter (Matthew 26:35, 75).
Marrying a second choice, after the love of your life breaks up with you, creates unhappiness for more than yourself. If your second choice can’t become your first choice by closer acquaintance, remaining single affects the happiness of only one – the more noble choice.
Following are some tidbits worth noting
Keep in mind that marriage is only the beginning of a lifetime commitment to continue the same wooing behavior as you demonstrated while dating.
A little display of affection in public is appropriate and good, but too much public sentimentalism is, well . . . too much. Aside from the consideration of appropriateness, consider the effect on those who don’t have anyone with which to share affection. Please be respectful to others by maintaining appropriate public affection, which includes social venues such as facebook – not a place to express romantic love.
If relocation is required to nurture a relationship, we’ve seen greater success when the guy moves closer to his date. Unless an engagement is in full force, and the wedding will be coming very soon, we do not recommend a girl to relocate. It’s easy for a guy, committed or no, to expect the girl to expend the effort of moving, changing jobs, and finding new friends. Many reasons are cited by a guy as to why the girl needs to do the moving, but past demonstration shows this unwise. If a guy is serious enough to make a move, he is well worthy of consideration - if not, well . . . .
Patterns worth cultivating
Take time to know him or her before dating – as defined in this book.
Uplift each other frequently, without flattery – that is, affirmation with sincerity, avoiding superficial ,or worldly, ego-building compliments.
No matter the pet names, remember to use his or her first name at least weekly.
If you suspect yourself in competition for a girl, instead of wooing to win her, follow the dating plan herein. As long as neither party prematurely shares with whom they are interested, as recommended, no one will know about the competition until she accepts or rejects a formal offer. The difficulty lies in telling others your plans. Should another “beat you to the punch,” just wait and pray. Take action at the appropriate time in the appropriate order and let God worry about the rest.
Enjoy wooing, within biblical parameters, only after officially initiating the relationship. Again, clarification of wooing: hanging out with or giving any more attention than you give any other (I wonder if the repetition of this concept throughout Up To Date adequately emphasizes the pain experienced by young people at the discarding of this principle . . . ).
Girls, encourage chivalry with appropriate wooing, that is, acting like a lady, at the very least during the times when chivalrous behavior is most appropriate such as on a date.
Consider calling or talking to her only two to three times a week the first six months of dating, three times a week the next six months, four times a week the next six months, and just about daily the following six months.
Girls, allow your man to lead in the relationship by not initiating calls or emails that exceeds the above numbers. Avoid changing your routine in hopes that you will run into him here or there or that he will stop to visit. Keep up your usual schedule and responsibilities.
Guys, do reassure her that you are still interested – every week. Don’t forget, especially in the beginning, that a girl always needs to know where she stands. If you don’t tell her, she cannot know.
Do correct a wrong as soon as possible rather than ignoring, rationalizing it away, or making it seem like you actually intended to do it (such as a premature “I love you”).
Do develop healthy dating principles.
Even while in a relationship, dates are best begun with the asking, being respectful of her time and schedule. This holds true whether just beginning a dating relationship or married eighty-five years. “Asking” rather than assuming demonstrates love and respect, the essence of a successful relationship.
Always have specific activities planned for date outings. Guys should choose those events at least 50 percent of the time.
Do only those activities on a date that would seem appropriate to do with your parents.
Guys, when it comes to making decisions, if a girl gives you an option of two activities, choose one. Don’t reply by inquiring which she wants to do. She just told you two options of things she’d like to do. We women need to know a guy’s preferences and indifference only inhibits her opportunity, her blessing, to know and please you. This issue, being a serious frustration in the majority of marriages, warrants early practice.
Time your sexual-past discussion appropriately prior to initiating the first kiss and before proposing, as described in chapter thirty-one.
Advance both the emotional and physical relationship appropriately together as defined in Up To Date.
Every action should preserve the privacy, heart, and dignity of your date and even your ex-date.
Moving on . . .
The highest law in the universe begins with love for God and ends with love for fellow man. These guidelines, when applied, decreasesthe likely-hood of painful relationships and increases the fostering of healthy love.
Since some individuals disregard these concepts in pursuit of self-interest, the number one contributor to divorce, how does one discern selfishness – how does one discern between simple charm and the smooth-talker? It comes down to deciphering his or her “true colors.”
Our American flag may be attractive, but it means much more when its symbolism is recognized:
Red - Hardiness and valor
White - Purity and innocence
Blue - Vigilance, perseverance, and justice
As each color in a flag represents a trait, each pattern of behavior in an individual represents some fairly predictable character colors, some of which are so predictable that they move from national to universal. Would you care for a little lesson in “posting the colors”?
