Caution: Up To Date is designed to be read in a linear fashion, as each chapter builds on principles established in the previous chapters. For your best relationship success, begin with the introduction and progress chapter by chapter.
Chapter Thirty-two
Keep “It” in Control
“Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD,
and depart from evil” (Proverbs 3:7).
God is the Author of affection, so He not only sanctions but encourages it . . . when used in line with His instruction manual. When we believe that sexual desire is a blessing from God, we give Him the authority to make the rules as well provide us with control over those desires. Before you can be successful in remaining pure, you must first be convicted that God’s plan is best and worthy of your following.
There are many good reasons to keep “it” in control. Rather than reviewing all those (guilt, dysfunction, remorse, and loss of respect), let us just say that if we step out of the boundaries of His Ten Commandments, someone will get hurt, but by staying within those, everyone is safe. The difficulty lies in self-control, the choice that honors God’s gift and each other – as well as prevents many other complications before and after marriage
In this chapter, you will find some new knowledge (but maybe not), a few resources, parental expectations, and lots of encouragement, because affection is totally awesome. You will also find some mature subject matter, so prepare yourself. We won’t be launching into any serious sex education. If you are uninformed about sexual function, find a trusted adult to share that information with you. The more intimate ready-for-marriage education will not be a part of this book, as it should be learned just a couple weeks prior to your wedding (see number six below).
Encouragement
Before we jump into specific tools, you should know that for your marriage to reach its highest potential, your physical relationship must be nurtured along just like the intellectual, spiritual, and emotional, though not at the exact same time. Every facet must develop at just the right time in relation to the others. You must be affectionate before marriage – bummer ;-).
So . . . what’s the trick?
Affection is best treated like any other area that requires self-control—such as appetite. In fact, affection actually is an appetite. When dieting, most people: 1) want health and know why they want it, 2) build a firm resolve, make a commitment, 3) ask for accountability, 4) control the desire to overeat or eat the wrong kinds of foods, having ready some better options, 5) rely on God’s promises in I Corinthians 10:13 when feeling weak, and 6) avoid deliberately placing themselves (or another) in the way of temptation. If you desire to please God and respect each other, a similar course can be effective. Begin by making mutual commitments with accountability, pacing, setting limits, as well as learning, and avoiding, anything that may unnecessarily increase temptation (either direction), all of which renders success.
Mutual Commitment
Once you begin a physical relationship, the first practical tool in maintaining purity is to bow together before the Throne of Grace and make a covenant with God, and each other, to maintain your desired purity according to His biblical guidance while avoiding anything that will tempt one another. Overconfidence, and thusly lack of preparedness, is a frequent downfall, so realize your weaknesses—that “slipping” may become easier as time goes on and that you know your only success is to lean on Him. Ask Him for temperance and His timing with everything in the relationship. Continue to pray together about your physical interactions throughout, asking God to strengthen you to His glory and honor. When it gets really tough, a written and signed contract can be a helpful reminder, memento, and accountability tool.
Accountability
Hold each other accountable, but more than that, solicit the accountability of your advice-couple. Ask them to frequently hold you accountable, and make yourselves accountable to them—literally, verbally. Details of your affection are between you and your girlfriend/boyfriend alone, always and forever, but ask this couple to inquire often of your strength and success in purity. When engaged, they should ask whether you have upheld your values as often as every week. Your answer is important but more importantly, behavior tends to follow the level to which you are held accountable by others.
If your couple is not committed enough to keep up their end of the bargain, they cannot help you. Keep them accountable, or switch advice couples, if the first is not asking. Should you begin having serious difficulty with temptation (and most do), you can take the signed contact one step further by, this time between you two and your advice couple, stating that you will not be alone together.
You’re in good company if this openness with your advice couple seem very strange or just too humbling. Christians often avoid the topic of sex and temptation, particularly the older generations, because sexual revelry in the world makes us uncomfortable, or it has just been taboo for too long. Anyone married was once courting and engaged. They know the desires and difficulties of a progressing relationship. It does not get easier as time goes on. If your couple was ever really in love, you needn’t tell them in order for them to know you are struggling. If you are around these key people at all, they likely have a pretty good idea where you are physically, what is and is not going on between you. They will see telltale signs of over-advancing affection, even if they are trying not to observe, behaviors that you would not pick up on in your youthful experience. We have an obligation to both you and to God to address those concerns with couples, but the most common pattern is to pretend your temptation doesn’t exist. When we elders ignore those signals or blame our negligence on privacy while knowing how difficult it is to stay pure, we sadly set you up for failure. If purity is truly your aim, it’s time for all of us to step out of our comfort zone. Comfortable or not, humbling or not, one of the biggest keys to success is opening this accountability-conversation with your advice couple.
Pacing?
When you begin holding hands and cuddling, you’ll find yourself more and more comfortable with mutual affection. Comfort is part of nurturing, and it’s really the whole point of affection. But . . . nurturing means growth, and that is where we get into trouble. How slow, how fast, and to what extent—it’s a very delicate balance.
Limits?
Many youth leaders try to define exactly what sexual activities are permissible and when—without sinning. One example is to say that if you are engaged, it’s now OK to start “heavy petting.” Since the difference between before and after marriage is that of vows before God and not how much in love you are or how soon you will marry. Purity is not about how close you can push the envelope. It’s about a pure state of mind, avoiding activity that takes you down a path of lust, which is physical sexual desire. It is impossible to participate in “heavy petting” without increasing that physical desire for that which isn’t yet yours—rather, that belongs to God until vows before Him deem it yours.
We’ve discussed before about what specifically increases lust, so if we must identify a list of dos or don’ts, here we just remind you that if you want to succeed in purity, it is best to avoid thinking about, talking about, touching, viewing, or any other interaction in relation to anything a swim suit would cover . . . or any other more innocent body part that tempts you. As difficult as it might be when in love, this is an important line of defense, and it can be done. See chapter (on lust).
Temptation versus sin
Believing that the less-than-pure choice you make is really only a “mistake” or “accident” can mistakenly fool you into denying your responsibility of the choice. In this manuscript, using the term “mistake” means a poor choice. As mentioned before, sin is not the temptation itself but how the temptation is handled. If you are sorely tempted before marriage and you choose to move closer to that temptation, is there sin? I would suggest yes. If you are sorely tempted before marriage and you physically and mentally move away from that temptation the minute it hits you, have you sinned? No.
Temptations will definitely come, and people don’t usually plan to be overcome by them,. Here is my paraphrase of I Corinthians 10:13: “The hormones God gives you do not exceed that of most others, and He doesn’t give you any more hormones than you can control, but He is faithful and will give you an out . . . if you want it.”
Responsibility
Where men certainly have women’s sympathy for the higher level of testosterone, thusly a more intense sex drive with the temptations it brings, but it doesn’t mean that men are free to express themselves sexually while relying on her to control him if purity is desired.
Man is the head of the house, the priest before God and his family, the protector of His charge. Need I expound on whose ultimate responsibility it is to maintain purity? It’s a tough job, especially if she should falter and the man has to be the tough guy and say no, but testosterone levels do not change the priestly role. Though Eve sinned first, God held Adam responsible.
This in no way excuses a woman for her actions or choices. She is certainly responsible for her decisions as well. There are no sexist thoughts here, but rather a debunking of an old myth that a man’s hormone levels negate his self-control. It simply isn’t true.
Ladies, in all fairness, here are a few things to ponder in order to be considerate to your guy. He is doing the best he can to keep purity in the relationship, so reward him with the support he deserves. What does that mean?
Guys are very visually oriented. Some wonderful Christian guys shared with us that it’s helpful for them when ladies avoid exposing anything that tempts or gives visual remembrances (brain pictures) later. Every guy is different, but most will agree that seeing a certain “come hither” look in your eye, a belly button, bare shoulders, cleavage, tops that are snug enough to show every shape of your torso, sitting on their lap, cuddling up too close next to him, for some guys just seeing your feet, or teasing him with these because you know what it does—all these can certainly cause a physical response maybe even beyond control for a guy. And it doesn’t mean he isn’t Christian. It means he is a man. For a better understanding, read our modesty article.
When I bring up dress reform, the first thing I hear is that dressing modestly feels funny. I grew up in the seventies when tight clothes and bellbottoms were the fashion. Then sloppy, baggy clothes became popular. I have gone from one extreme to the other. Comfortable is what you tell yourself you will wear for at least the three months it takes to adjust. When one young lady came into Christianity out of the fashionable, secular world, she tossed all trends aside wearing only long skirts and very modest tops, deciding not to change that trend until she married. A wise girl knows that “what she wins him with, she wins him to.” She is now secure that her guy was won to her soul and spirit. A fashion revolution in Christian young people would make an amazing impact on society and church alike.
Consider being fair to your Christian guy. If it seems impossible to find modest apparel in a modern store, go retro by visiting second hand stores—we are all about retro here. Consider dressing, and acting, as though you will not only die for Christ but live for Him and as though you really care about the soul-salvation of the guy you are dating.
Planning to avoid temptation
When together . . .
“It was in the time of greatest weakness that Christ was assailed by the fiercest temptations. Thus Satan thought to prevail. By this policy he had gained the victory over men. When strength failed, and the will power weakened, and faith ceased to repose in God, then those who had stood long and valiantly for the right were overcome . . . . Thus Satan has taken advantage of the weakness of humanity. And he will still work in the same way” (Desire of Ages, 120).
You will have the best success by planning your social activities carefully, planning to plan, and not being too spontaneous without a plan. Are you picking up that some brain work is involved here? As mentioned before, the work of a relationship has to happen and the more you do before marriage, the less you do after.
Plan ahead for times you will be vulnerable. “Mistakes” are more likely to happen when you have been away from each other for a time, when you are traveling home alone together after a particularly romantic event, when you are alone anytime (of course), when you find yourself together without specific activities or appointments, when listening to emotional music, and when you are tired or stressed. Before you put yourself in any situation, go on a date, get into a car alone together, or launch into any activity, analyze if you are tired or if there is some other contributing factors toward weakness. Recognize how stable, or unstable, your defenses are at that moment. If in less than perfect form, come up with an alternate plan such as inviting another couple along, cutting the evening short, taking a nap ahead of time, or fixing the problem that makes you more vulnerable. Obviously, praying together before going anywhere or doing anything is a wonderful tool. Since passion intensifies exponentially with time and relationship, you may come to a point that, if you want to maintain purity, you should just never be alone.
So, what do you do when you have a predetermined vulnerability yet you really want to (or have to) be alone. If you are having trouble remaining pure, agree not to touch each other at all. If you need to be alone just to be alone—you will need that at times—use the “alone-in-public” strategy. Don’t feel like you have to mingle all the time or leave a public place in order to be alone.
To get through your engagement using the “alone-in-public” plan, pick a spot where you cuddle up (appropriately) and talk quieter, obviously focusing on each other without actively including others while there, but never behave that way in any other place. It won’t be long before your friends and family will pick up on the times when you want to be alone, or not, by where and how you sit. Not only will it increase your alone-time in public, it will make others feel more comfortable, because they will know when they are or are not interrupting your moments. This isn’t rude as long as you are polite to anyone who might inadvertently interfere. For purity sake, satisfy the need for alone-time with someone else in the room.
For clarification, we do not think that couples should never be alone, that they should stop being affectionate, or that the “whole world” should be brought into their own sacred relationship, but because it’s a lot easier to put off affection than it is to move backward after you have advanced too far, we do think that intellectual decisions should be made, moment-by-moment with God, holding fast to your boundaries . . . all along the progression of the relationship.
When apart . . .
When you are with each other, your senses present the biggest temptation. When you are away from each other, it’s more your thoughts that need guarded. We do like thinking about our beloved, but if you find your thoughts drifting to the physical, it can lead to unhealthy behaviors and habits that go against the biblical concept of purity.
Of course, going to the Bible when you find your mind dwelling too much on a tempting subject is a great idea. However, let’s get realistic rather than idealistic. It’s hard to stay focused on the Bible when you are thinking about him or her. And yes, you should pray. But the thoughts worm their way into that, too. This is not to discredit the strength we receive from whole-hearted, sincere and submissive prayer to God—we encourage that—but practical tools will help.
One of the most successful tools for controlling thought processes, when all you can do is think about him or her, is to remember that the time will come when you no longer need to put it all off. In other words, if you marry, you can act. One would think that would make the temptation worse, but as each temptation surfaces, keep repeating that “it’s only a temporary barrier, save it for later.” Postponement rather than denial can be effective for changing thought patterns—one minute at a time.
It’s also a good idea to pick up a project or hobby that requires concentration to fill your idle time, day or night, over the next few years. It’s tough to think certain things when you are actively talking with someone or engaged in a project that requires concentration, so make a conscious decision to change your temptation-equation. If you need a distraction, build a model, begin memorizing the Bible, learn an instrument, write a book, call some friends, meet one for lunch, or launch any project that can be picked up at any time without delay if your mind wanders the wrong direction. Physical activity also helps--hiking, jogging, or productive physical work. From a physiological point of view, exercise helps disperse the chemical energy that could be used awry. Please be wise. Don’t go out alone to get mugged or eaten by a wild critter in the middle of the night. If exercising isn’t safe, stick to your projects.
Senses can overwhelm you when away from each other as well, especially if you choose to expose yourself to unnecessary visual temptations: imaginative brain pictures, TV, magazines, sensual music, and other unhealthy distractions. This takes your experience beyond that of temptation to sin. Limit your exposure of these things to none. Protect your senses whether together or apart.
Consequences?
It’s also a great idea to have a plan for not following the plan. Identify consequences for failing to maintain agreed upon rules, whether you actually pushed the line or just put yourself in a position to push the line, have a list of consequences. Examples might be: no dating alone for one-month, no holding hands for two weeks, or memorizing and reciting a full chapter in the Bible before another kiss. These are just some examples. Make these significant consequences, but reasonable, and again, hold each other accountable.
We blew it, now what?
Having said all of the above, God does forgive even for poor choices, but often the lack of forgiveness toward ourselves or each other is what remains. Once it’s done, you can take the nails out of the box, but it will still leave the holes in the wood. It’s all part of the cosmic battle, and every decision you make will have a lasting result, even though God is so willing to forgive.
How do you handle it if you have really messed up—I mean messed up big time? What you don’t do is say, “Oh well, we blew it, so there is no point in trying now.” At this point, simply evaluate where you went wrong in planning, review your practical tools, and begin anew with more resolve and compliance than before . . . and memorize I Corinthians 10:13.
God forbid that you choose to continue in premarital sexual activity, but should you do so, be responsible by using birth control. Many Christian young people rationalize that birth control shows intent to sin, that is “iniquity” instead of “mistakes,” so they, in the name of God’s will, do not practice “safe sex.” It would seem reasonable that if there is sin, the consequences must be accepted. However, most marriages that begin this way, with these thought processes, end in divorce. Why? Because the immaturity and irresponsibility in such thought processes contributes not only to a poor decision in this area but to every other decision in marriage. It’s a big red flag. And though socially accepted in the world, premarital pregnancy brings many more challenges in the relationship both now and after marriage than just premarital sex (not to belittle the latter). God will not be conned to believe that a lack of birth control makes your choice any more of a “mistake” than a decision, so if you choose not to control your activities, at least choose to be responsible in them, because two “wrongs” (premarital sex and irresponsibility) don’t make a right.
Pacing!
Though premarital sex is not only accepted but expected in the world, so many times we have heard Christian parents advise young people, “You are getting too serious, so you need to break up.” We might ask where this advice originates. “Too serious” really means too physical/sexual, and breaking up is advised with the intent of preventing premarital sex when marriage isn’t an option. This is most often given when the couple is too young to follow through with marriage in a timely manner or when the physical began too early in the relationship. Barring those issues, my question is, “If you are of age, why would marriage not be an option?”
Guys, if you have followed this dating plan in detail, but you are tempted to the point of needing to sign an accountability contract, you have a decision to make. You either move forward or . . . break up. If you were going to break up, it should have been done based on an intellectual decision of character analysis prior to beginning a physical relationship. If you have taken adequate time to get acquainted (a minimum of two and a half years), done your research, stopped, looked, and listened, asked all the questions, started your physical relationship on time, your parents and/or advisors agree with the union, God’s will is clear in your mind, and it’s so difficult to physically refrain, then you ought to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that she is the one based on sound biblical principles instead of emotional or physical attraction. If you are both struggling, and you know she’s the right one, this is no need to continue to put yourselves in a position of temptation. It’s simply time to get on with it.
It only takes about four months to plan a very nice wedding. We are not suggesting you rush into marriage, but it is not discrediting to you or your fiancée to avoid temptation by moving the date up. It’s actually more astute than putting both of you at risk for a “mistake.” In the mean-time, get a grip, get it under control with the tools above, and get distracted by focusing on the wedding agenda, because now the barrier is only four months temporary. In no time at all, you will be able to love each other with your body, mind, and soul as is God’s plan for love.
The bottom line
Keep in mind that it’s the intellectual part of us that sets boundaries that the emotional part wants to toss—even when we really want purity. By the same token, it isn’t the Ten Commandments that stop us from falling. No intellectual decision alone makes us stay pure. Our purity comes from experiencing enough love for God that we can’t bear to disappoint Him, an d if love keeps us from breaking God’s Commandments, it’s a pretty strong emotion. When courting, if truly in love, there is suddenly a battle going on inside. You want to make God happy, but the love of this person, whom God gave you, is on the forefront. You feel it; it’s there, intense, burning, and you know it is real God-given love. As you express your affection with every intent to remain pure, this incredible but overpowering love catches you off guard and you miss where God is in that moment of feeling. You didn’t plan for this inversion factor. This is where the Christian slips—but it is a choice however subconscious.
The more proactive and empowering steps you take to prevent “mistakes” before you are tempted beyond measure, the more you will be prepare you to deal with this inversion factor. To avoid this “slip” Christians must bring the struggle during each vulnerable moment from a subconscious to a highly conscious level. Remind yourself that the barriers are only temporary, set boundaries early, evaluate your weaknesses, plan ahead, dress and behave modestly, use written contracts with reasonable consequences, maximize accountability, pray together, and know that you are never really alone . . . . Above all, have faith that God will bless your prayers for purity when you remember that faith is both demonstrated and strengthened by taking the first step forward with good decision-making.
Besides honoring God, one's highest motive for purity might be that you have no regrets on your wedding day. You see, there are no guarantees that this one will be the one you stand with at the alter. No matter how long you are engaged or how close to the wedding, even up to the wedding day, there is no guarantee that you won't find reason to end the relationship. There is no guarantee that he/she won't leave you at the altar. God forbid that be the case, but no matter your faith in him/her, it does sometimes happen, and no engagement is risk free. Maintaining purity until the wedding guarantees, should this not be the one, that later on you can still stand at the altar pure and undefiled, with no regrets, before the one God truly intends for you.
To reinforce your resolve for purity, we recommend reviewing this chapter every couple of months. Enjoy and rejoice, for God is bountiful in His Grace and Strength.
Woohoo! Let’s get a wedding on . . .
Keep “It” in Control
“Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD,
and depart from evil” (Proverbs 3:7).
God is the Author of affection, so He not only sanctions but encourages it . . . when used in line with His instruction manual. When we believe that sexual desire is a blessing from God, we give Him the authority to make the rules as well provide us with control over those desires. Before you can be successful in remaining pure, you must first be convicted that God’s plan is best and worthy of your following.
There are many good reasons to keep “it” in control. Rather than reviewing all those (guilt, dysfunction, remorse, and loss of respect), let us just say that if we step out of the boundaries of His Ten Commandments, someone will get hurt, but by staying within those, everyone is safe. The difficulty lies in self-control, the choice that honors God’s gift and each other – as well as prevents many other complications before and after marriage
In this chapter, you will find some new knowledge (but maybe not), a few resources, parental expectations, and lots of encouragement, because affection is totally awesome. You will also find some mature subject matter, so prepare yourself. We won’t be launching into any serious sex education. If you are uninformed about sexual function, find a trusted adult to share that information with you. The more intimate ready-for-marriage education will not be a part of this book, as it should be learned just a couple weeks prior to your wedding (see number six below).
Encouragement
Before we jump into specific tools, you should know that for your marriage to reach its highest potential, your physical relationship must be nurtured along just like the intellectual, spiritual, and emotional, though not at the exact same time. Every facet must develop at just the right time in relation to the others. You must be affectionate before marriage – bummer ;-).
So . . . what’s the trick?
Affection is best treated like any other area that requires self-control—such as appetite. In fact, affection actually is an appetite. When dieting, most people: 1) want health and know why they want it, 2) build a firm resolve, make a commitment, 3) ask for accountability, 4) control the desire to overeat or eat the wrong kinds of foods, having ready some better options, 5) rely on God’s promises in I Corinthians 10:13 when feeling weak, and 6) avoid deliberately placing themselves (or another) in the way of temptation. If you desire to please God and respect each other, a similar course can be effective. Begin by making mutual commitments with accountability, pacing, setting limits, as well as learning, and avoiding, anything that may unnecessarily increase temptation (either direction), all of which renders success.
Mutual Commitment
Once you begin a physical relationship, the first practical tool in maintaining purity is to bow together before the Throne of Grace and make a covenant with God, and each other, to maintain your desired purity according to His biblical guidance while avoiding anything that will tempt one another. Overconfidence, and thusly lack of preparedness, is a frequent downfall, so realize your weaknesses—that “slipping” may become easier as time goes on and that you know your only success is to lean on Him. Ask Him for temperance and His timing with everything in the relationship. Continue to pray together about your physical interactions throughout, asking God to strengthen you to His glory and honor. When it gets really tough, a written and signed contract can be a helpful reminder, memento, and accountability tool.
Accountability
Hold each other accountable, but more than that, solicit the accountability of your advice-couple. Ask them to frequently hold you accountable, and make yourselves accountable to them—literally, verbally. Details of your affection are between you and your girlfriend/boyfriend alone, always and forever, but ask this couple to inquire often of your strength and success in purity. When engaged, they should ask whether you have upheld your values as often as every week. Your answer is important but more importantly, behavior tends to follow the level to which you are held accountable by others.
If your couple is not committed enough to keep up their end of the bargain, they cannot help you. Keep them accountable, or switch advice couples, if the first is not asking. Should you begin having serious difficulty with temptation (and most do), you can take the signed contact one step further by, this time between you two and your advice couple, stating that you will not be alone together.
You’re in good company if this openness with your advice couple seem very strange or just too humbling. Christians often avoid the topic of sex and temptation, particularly the older generations, because sexual revelry in the world makes us uncomfortable, or it has just been taboo for too long. Anyone married was once courting and engaged. They know the desires and difficulties of a progressing relationship. It does not get easier as time goes on. If your couple was ever really in love, you needn’t tell them in order for them to know you are struggling. If you are around these key people at all, they likely have a pretty good idea where you are physically, what is and is not going on between you. They will see telltale signs of over-advancing affection, even if they are trying not to observe, behaviors that you would not pick up on in your youthful experience. We have an obligation to both you and to God to address those concerns with couples, but the most common pattern is to pretend your temptation doesn’t exist. When we elders ignore those signals or blame our negligence on privacy while knowing how difficult it is to stay pure, we sadly set you up for failure. If purity is truly your aim, it’s time for all of us to step out of our comfort zone. Comfortable or not, humbling or not, one of the biggest keys to success is opening this accountability-conversation with your advice couple.
Pacing?
When you begin holding hands and cuddling, you’ll find yourself more and more comfortable with mutual affection. Comfort is part of nurturing, and it’s really the whole point of affection. But . . . nurturing means growth, and that is where we get into trouble. How slow, how fast, and to what extent—it’s a very delicate balance.
Limits?
Many youth leaders try to define exactly what sexual activities are permissible and when—without sinning. One example is to say that if you are engaged, it’s now OK to start “heavy petting.” Since the difference between before and after marriage is that of vows before God and not how much in love you are or how soon you will marry. Purity is not about how close you can push the envelope. It’s about a pure state of mind, avoiding activity that takes you down a path of lust, which is physical sexual desire. It is impossible to participate in “heavy petting” without increasing that physical desire for that which isn’t yet yours—rather, that belongs to God until vows before Him deem it yours.
We’ve discussed before about what specifically increases lust, so if we must identify a list of dos or don’ts, here we just remind you that if you want to succeed in purity, it is best to avoid thinking about, talking about, touching, viewing, or any other interaction in relation to anything a swim suit would cover . . . or any other more innocent body part that tempts you. As difficult as it might be when in love, this is an important line of defense, and it can be done. See chapter (on lust).
Temptation versus sin
Believing that the less-than-pure choice you make is really only a “mistake” or “accident” can mistakenly fool you into denying your responsibility of the choice. In this manuscript, using the term “mistake” means a poor choice. As mentioned before, sin is not the temptation itself but how the temptation is handled. If you are sorely tempted before marriage and you choose to move closer to that temptation, is there sin? I would suggest yes. If you are sorely tempted before marriage and you physically and mentally move away from that temptation the minute it hits you, have you sinned? No.
Temptations will definitely come, and people don’t usually plan to be overcome by them,. Here is my paraphrase of I Corinthians 10:13: “The hormones God gives you do not exceed that of most others, and He doesn’t give you any more hormones than you can control, but He is faithful and will give you an out . . . if you want it.”
Responsibility
Where men certainly have women’s sympathy for the higher level of testosterone, thusly a more intense sex drive with the temptations it brings, but it doesn’t mean that men are free to express themselves sexually while relying on her to control him if purity is desired.
Man is the head of the house, the priest before God and his family, the protector of His charge. Need I expound on whose ultimate responsibility it is to maintain purity? It’s a tough job, especially if she should falter and the man has to be the tough guy and say no, but testosterone levels do not change the priestly role. Though Eve sinned first, God held Adam responsible.
This in no way excuses a woman for her actions or choices. She is certainly responsible for her decisions as well. There are no sexist thoughts here, but rather a debunking of an old myth that a man’s hormone levels negate his self-control. It simply isn’t true.
Ladies, in all fairness, here are a few things to ponder in order to be considerate to your guy. He is doing the best he can to keep purity in the relationship, so reward him with the support he deserves. What does that mean?
Guys are very visually oriented. Some wonderful Christian guys shared with us that it’s helpful for them when ladies avoid exposing anything that tempts or gives visual remembrances (brain pictures) later. Every guy is different, but most will agree that seeing a certain “come hither” look in your eye, a belly button, bare shoulders, cleavage, tops that are snug enough to show every shape of your torso, sitting on their lap, cuddling up too close next to him, for some guys just seeing your feet, or teasing him with these because you know what it does—all these can certainly cause a physical response maybe even beyond control for a guy. And it doesn’t mean he isn’t Christian. It means he is a man. For a better understanding, read our modesty article.
When I bring up dress reform, the first thing I hear is that dressing modestly feels funny. I grew up in the seventies when tight clothes and bellbottoms were the fashion. Then sloppy, baggy clothes became popular. I have gone from one extreme to the other. Comfortable is what you tell yourself you will wear for at least the three months it takes to adjust. When one young lady came into Christianity out of the fashionable, secular world, she tossed all trends aside wearing only long skirts and very modest tops, deciding not to change that trend until she married. A wise girl knows that “what she wins him with, she wins him to.” She is now secure that her guy was won to her soul and spirit. A fashion revolution in Christian young people would make an amazing impact on society and church alike.
Consider being fair to your Christian guy. If it seems impossible to find modest apparel in a modern store, go retro by visiting second hand stores—we are all about retro here. Consider dressing, and acting, as though you will not only die for Christ but live for Him and as though you really care about the soul-salvation of the guy you are dating.
Planning to avoid temptation
When together . . .
“It was in the time of greatest weakness that Christ was assailed by the fiercest temptations. Thus Satan thought to prevail. By this policy he had gained the victory over men. When strength failed, and the will power weakened, and faith ceased to repose in God, then those who had stood long and valiantly for the right were overcome . . . . Thus Satan has taken advantage of the weakness of humanity. And he will still work in the same way” (Desire of Ages, 120).
You will have the best success by planning your social activities carefully, planning to plan, and not being too spontaneous without a plan. Are you picking up that some brain work is involved here? As mentioned before, the work of a relationship has to happen and the more you do before marriage, the less you do after.
Plan ahead for times you will be vulnerable. “Mistakes” are more likely to happen when you have been away from each other for a time, when you are traveling home alone together after a particularly romantic event, when you are alone anytime (of course), when you find yourself together without specific activities or appointments, when listening to emotional music, and when you are tired or stressed. Before you put yourself in any situation, go on a date, get into a car alone together, or launch into any activity, analyze if you are tired or if there is some other contributing factors toward weakness. Recognize how stable, or unstable, your defenses are at that moment. If in less than perfect form, come up with an alternate plan such as inviting another couple along, cutting the evening short, taking a nap ahead of time, or fixing the problem that makes you more vulnerable. Obviously, praying together before going anywhere or doing anything is a wonderful tool. Since passion intensifies exponentially with time and relationship, you may come to a point that, if you want to maintain purity, you should just never be alone.
So, what do you do when you have a predetermined vulnerability yet you really want to (or have to) be alone. If you are having trouble remaining pure, agree not to touch each other at all. If you need to be alone just to be alone—you will need that at times—use the “alone-in-public” strategy. Don’t feel like you have to mingle all the time or leave a public place in order to be alone.
To get through your engagement using the “alone-in-public” plan, pick a spot where you cuddle up (appropriately) and talk quieter, obviously focusing on each other without actively including others while there, but never behave that way in any other place. It won’t be long before your friends and family will pick up on the times when you want to be alone, or not, by where and how you sit. Not only will it increase your alone-time in public, it will make others feel more comfortable, because they will know when they are or are not interrupting your moments. This isn’t rude as long as you are polite to anyone who might inadvertently interfere. For purity sake, satisfy the need for alone-time with someone else in the room.
For clarification, we do not think that couples should never be alone, that they should stop being affectionate, or that the “whole world” should be brought into their own sacred relationship, but because it’s a lot easier to put off affection than it is to move backward after you have advanced too far, we do think that intellectual decisions should be made, moment-by-moment with God, holding fast to your boundaries . . . all along the progression of the relationship.
When apart . . .
When you are with each other, your senses present the biggest temptation. When you are away from each other, it’s more your thoughts that need guarded. We do like thinking about our beloved, but if you find your thoughts drifting to the physical, it can lead to unhealthy behaviors and habits that go against the biblical concept of purity.
Of course, going to the Bible when you find your mind dwelling too much on a tempting subject is a great idea. However, let’s get realistic rather than idealistic. It’s hard to stay focused on the Bible when you are thinking about him or her. And yes, you should pray. But the thoughts worm their way into that, too. This is not to discredit the strength we receive from whole-hearted, sincere and submissive prayer to God—we encourage that—but practical tools will help.
One of the most successful tools for controlling thought processes, when all you can do is think about him or her, is to remember that the time will come when you no longer need to put it all off. In other words, if you marry, you can act. One would think that would make the temptation worse, but as each temptation surfaces, keep repeating that “it’s only a temporary barrier, save it for later.” Postponement rather than denial can be effective for changing thought patterns—one minute at a time.
It’s also a good idea to pick up a project or hobby that requires concentration to fill your idle time, day or night, over the next few years. It’s tough to think certain things when you are actively talking with someone or engaged in a project that requires concentration, so make a conscious decision to change your temptation-equation. If you need a distraction, build a model, begin memorizing the Bible, learn an instrument, write a book, call some friends, meet one for lunch, or launch any project that can be picked up at any time without delay if your mind wanders the wrong direction. Physical activity also helps--hiking, jogging, or productive physical work. From a physiological point of view, exercise helps disperse the chemical energy that could be used awry. Please be wise. Don’t go out alone to get mugged or eaten by a wild critter in the middle of the night. If exercising isn’t safe, stick to your projects.
Senses can overwhelm you when away from each other as well, especially if you choose to expose yourself to unnecessary visual temptations: imaginative brain pictures, TV, magazines, sensual music, and other unhealthy distractions. This takes your experience beyond that of temptation to sin. Limit your exposure of these things to none. Protect your senses whether together or apart.
Consequences?
It’s also a great idea to have a plan for not following the plan. Identify consequences for failing to maintain agreed upon rules, whether you actually pushed the line or just put yourself in a position to push the line, have a list of consequences. Examples might be: no dating alone for one-month, no holding hands for two weeks, or memorizing and reciting a full chapter in the Bible before another kiss. These are just some examples. Make these significant consequences, but reasonable, and again, hold each other accountable.
We blew it, now what?
Having said all of the above, God does forgive even for poor choices, but often the lack of forgiveness toward ourselves or each other is what remains. Once it’s done, you can take the nails out of the box, but it will still leave the holes in the wood. It’s all part of the cosmic battle, and every decision you make will have a lasting result, even though God is so willing to forgive.
How do you handle it if you have really messed up—I mean messed up big time? What you don’t do is say, “Oh well, we blew it, so there is no point in trying now.” At this point, simply evaluate where you went wrong in planning, review your practical tools, and begin anew with more resolve and compliance than before . . . and memorize I Corinthians 10:13.
God forbid that you choose to continue in premarital sexual activity, but should you do so, be responsible by using birth control. Many Christian young people rationalize that birth control shows intent to sin, that is “iniquity” instead of “mistakes,” so they, in the name of God’s will, do not practice “safe sex.” It would seem reasonable that if there is sin, the consequences must be accepted. However, most marriages that begin this way, with these thought processes, end in divorce. Why? Because the immaturity and irresponsibility in such thought processes contributes not only to a poor decision in this area but to every other decision in marriage. It’s a big red flag. And though socially accepted in the world, premarital pregnancy brings many more challenges in the relationship both now and after marriage than just premarital sex (not to belittle the latter). God will not be conned to believe that a lack of birth control makes your choice any more of a “mistake” than a decision, so if you choose not to control your activities, at least choose to be responsible in them, because two “wrongs” (premarital sex and irresponsibility) don’t make a right.
Pacing!
Though premarital sex is not only accepted but expected in the world, so many times we have heard Christian parents advise young people, “You are getting too serious, so you need to break up.” We might ask where this advice originates. “Too serious” really means too physical/sexual, and breaking up is advised with the intent of preventing premarital sex when marriage isn’t an option. This is most often given when the couple is too young to follow through with marriage in a timely manner or when the physical began too early in the relationship. Barring those issues, my question is, “If you are of age, why would marriage not be an option?”
Guys, if you have followed this dating plan in detail, but you are tempted to the point of needing to sign an accountability contract, you have a decision to make. You either move forward or . . . break up. If you were going to break up, it should have been done based on an intellectual decision of character analysis prior to beginning a physical relationship. If you have taken adequate time to get acquainted (a minimum of two and a half years), done your research, stopped, looked, and listened, asked all the questions, started your physical relationship on time, your parents and/or advisors agree with the union, God’s will is clear in your mind, and it’s so difficult to physically refrain, then you ought to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that she is the one based on sound biblical principles instead of emotional or physical attraction. If you are both struggling, and you know she’s the right one, this is no need to continue to put yourselves in a position of temptation. It’s simply time to get on with it.
It only takes about four months to plan a very nice wedding. We are not suggesting you rush into marriage, but it is not discrediting to you or your fiancée to avoid temptation by moving the date up. It’s actually more astute than putting both of you at risk for a “mistake.” In the mean-time, get a grip, get it under control with the tools above, and get distracted by focusing on the wedding agenda, because now the barrier is only four months temporary. In no time at all, you will be able to love each other with your body, mind, and soul as is God’s plan for love.
The bottom line
Keep in mind that it’s the intellectual part of us that sets boundaries that the emotional part wants to toss—even when we really want purity. By the same token, it isn’t the Ten Commandments that stop us from falling. No intellectual decision alone makes us stay pure. Our purity comes from experiencing enough love for God that we can’t bear to disappoint Him, an d if love keeps us from breaking God’s Commandments, it’s a pretty strong emotion. When courting, if truly in love, there is suddenly a battle going on inside. You want to make God happy, but the love of this person, whom God gave you, is on the forefront. You feel it; it’s there, intense, burning, and you know it is real God-given love. As you express your affection with every intent to remain pure, this incredible but overpowering love catches you off guard and you miss where God is in that moment of feeling. You didn’t plan for this inversion factor. This is where the Christian slips—but it is a choice however subconscious.
The more proactive and empowering steps you take to prevent “mistakes” before you are tempted beyond measure, the more you will be prepare you to deal with this inversion factor. To avoid this “slip” Christians must bring the struggle during each vulnerable moment from a subconscious to a highly conscious level. Remind yourself that the barriers are only temporary, set boundaries early, evaluate your weaknesses, plan ahead, dress and behave modestly, use written contracts with reasonable consequences, maximize accountability, pray together, and know that you are never really alone . . . . Above all, have faith that God will bless your prayers for purity when you remember that faith is both demonstrated and strengthened by taking the first step forward with good decision-making.
Besides honoring God, one's highest motive for purity might be that you have no regrets on your wedding day. You see, there are no guarantees that this one will be the one you stand with at the alter. No matter how long you are engaged or how close to the wedding, even up to the wedding day, there is no guarantee that you won't find reason to end the relationship. There is no guarantee that he/she won't leave you at the altar. God forbid that be the case, but no matter your faith in him/her, it does sometimes happen, and no engagement is risk free. Maintaining purity until the wedding guarantees, should this not be the one, that later on you can still stand at the altar pure and undefiled, with no regrets, before the one God truly intends for you.
To reinforce your resolve for purity, we recommend reviewing this chapter every couple of months. Enjoy and rejoice, for God is bountiful in His Grace and Strength.
Woohoo! Let’s get a wedding on . . .