Caution: Up To Date is designed to be read in a linear fashion, as each chapter builds on principles established in the previous chapters. For your best relationship success, begin with the introduction and progress chapter by chapter.
Chapter Sixteen
Pitfalls of a Mix ‘n’ Pour Marriage
“Whoever obeys his command will come to no harm, and the wise heart will
know the proper time and procedure” (Ecclesiastes 8:5, NIV).
Jessica met Aaron through some good friends, and she was enamored with his self-confidence, gentlemanly ways, and surprising attentiveness toward her. This tall blonde haired, blue eyed knight in shining armor came into her life at the perfect time, and he was perfect. After dating several months, Aaron bore both a calendar and a rose in hand asking Jessica for her hand. Who in their right mind would refuse Mr. Perfect? Wedding plans ensued. Though planning a wedding was a little stressful at times, every day was brightened as Aaron dawned the doorstep with another red rose. By time they married one year after meeting, Jessica's calendar was covered with stickers, one for every rose. Aaron didn't miss a beat!
"It's all behind us . . . " or is it?
We all know that one decision can affect our temporal and eternal happiness, our salvation and that of others. We don’t have the privilege of really starting over. We may say, “OK, if I mess this up I'll just start over with someone else,” but it doesn't make starting over a reality. As much as denial can be a good coping skill in certain situations, it doesn't take long after marrying to realize that no one ever really "starts over." We may be a little older and wiser, we hope, and we may start a new relationship, but our lives really just take off where we left off. In other words, our past is always our past. The past of our spouse, or ex-spouse, remains our past as well. Clean get-aways do not exist.
To a great extent, we have control of how the past affects us, but not 100 percent control. Some things just can’t be controlled, such as the extranged parent's influence, neglect, or abuse of your child. Much can happen, even from a former knight in shining armor, while awaiting court decisions. While acknowledging the permanence of today's decisions and surveying the rest of our lives, seventy or more years, while considering our own eternity and that of our children, there is one dating piece that should be considered one of the most critical:
Know a person for a minimum of three full years before marrying him or her.
Time Matters: Committing to, and abiding by, this one principal will afford the best opportunity to apply brain over emotions and dramatically increase the potential of happiness, eternal happiness.
From our retro model a hundred years ago, a guy married the gal “next door." They often knew each other their entire lives, and there was no pulling the wool over anyone's eyes, so to speak. They not only knew the person, the families were well known to each other, as community interaction was just as critical as Facebook is today - only 100 years ago, visual observation of patterns, habits, and body language, 90 percent of communication, was not lacking in their social environment. Families knew families, parents knew the neighbor's kids, and each other, and everyone attended church together.
Over our thirty-plus years of observing couples, we see a clear pattern that those who marry having known each other for three years tend to be happier and more successful.
The Facade
Aaron excelled at keeping up an attractive facade. He could easily hide his undesirable characteristics for one year because he was so twitterpated. He was so happy with this "newness" in his life that he had no reason to be grumpy or demanding. Any question about his behavior she may have had was excused as "being human." After all, she wasn't perfect either. Aaron was too twitterpated to display his faults, and Jessica was too twitterpated to believe anything she saw might not be the real Aaron, an all-too-common pattern that first year (neither tendency being gender specific).
We have all seen and heard of situations where, as soon as they tied the knot, one spouse completely changed. It's just too easy to overlook or rationalize away any hints that might speak negative of our beloved because of being too swallowed up in the oogly-googlies that first year. And while twitterpated, we don’t tend to listen to anyone who makes any less-than-favorable observations. He or she didn’t really change at all, but just finally let his or her guard down, feeling secure that the prize was won. To be really secure, one must give time for that guard to drop before marrying.
Someone who is trying to make a good impression can also quite successfully keep his or her faults hidden for two years. This facade doesn’t falter until they tire of the energy required in “keeping up appearances.” They may let their guard down some in two years but not enough to truly expose their character.
Someone who is trying to impress might successfully hide his or her negative characteristics for three years, but we find that much more difficult to accomplish.
You can fool a person for one year easily, two years quite successfully, but three years is pretty tough. The three-year rule is not a guarantee, but it is by far your best method of avoiding surprises after the wedding, a painful, but common, experience.
What's behind the facade?
What are some easy-to-hide characteristics that you don't want to discover after you've signed on the bottom line?
Jake had no clue that Maria was doing drugs prior to their wedding. Jean's husband had been off alcohol for about a year, but one drink of spiked punch at the wedding brought it all back, along with physical abuse later toward her and their children. Remember the story in an earlier chapter about a spendthrift who unknowingly married a spender, forcing the thrify wife to work more than a reasonable amount and still be in massive debt. There are those who go to church, who are “upstanding” Christians, yet one might find a subtle rebellion against authority (ultimately God), control issues, anger, disrespect, poor financial integrity, laziness, lack of motivation even though known to be a “hard worker,” believing divorce is an option for convenience sake, drug use, pornography, self-abuse, and various abuses—sexual, physical, and/or verbal to mention just a few. Everything looks good on the surface, but as you give the relationship time you begin to see clues as evidence by their actions, which defy their claims.
Discernment
As Christians, we all want to believe what people tell us, to give the benefit of the doubt, and with a good track record, it seems unloving to ignore a wonderful past and focus on subtle hints of "new" behaviors late in the process. Once discovered, all too often many feel they have invested too much to turn back now. Dating becomes one scenario where godly discernment is demonstrated by seeing current behaviors as warning signs in spite of a noble past, and taking action accordingly no matter how much time is invested. It’s better to "waste" a few years now than to ruin
the next eighty. This holds true right up to the bachelor party . . . and wedding vows.
Dating should be done with the idea of observing and sharing a multitude of various interactions and scenarios with a good friend over a long period of time so you can see their “personal self”, which is not displayed until they are comfortable enough to let down their guard. I must be straight-forward and say that being comfortable enough to “make out”, doesn’t mean he or she is letting his or her guard down, a common misconception. The relationship must be allowed to get “old” yet not too old. There is a fine line between the two during which a great deal of mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical effort creates attachment - at appropriate times - which takes from two to two-and-a-half years of dating, having known him or her a total of three. Only then are you in the safest position to make that marriage decision about your “good friend”.
But, but, but . . .
Many will try to rationalize this time period away. "We want to leave on an extended mission trip so we should get married now," "we need to hurry because Christ may be coming back before three years is up," and "there is that happy couple who just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary after meeting and marrying within two months." Keep in mind that in 2009, over two million couples were married. How many couples do we know who met and married within two months and are still happy? Marriage is not the place to play roulette just because we can cite one or two out of millions that survived playing the odds.
Faith
So where does faith in God's leading, impressions, and signs pointing toward a certain someone come into play?
Hans asked God to stop his car from cutting out if he was to marry Leah. Miraculously, his car immediately ran perfectly. Later the same thing happened - his car was cutting out, he asked God to fix it if he was to marry Leah, and the car stopped acting up again. It happened a third time just the same as the first two, so Hans married Leah. Though he was perfectly sincere in his undertanding of this miracle, common sense would ask, “if God really fixed it, why did it cut out later, and why did He have to fix it three times?” Can you see how distorted our thoughts and feelings can be when we desparately want something? Hans and Leah did not even make their two-month anniversary.
What about when you see God leading you toward a certain someone even though you have only known him or her a few months or a year? You just know God is telling you to marry. By committing to marriage before a proving time, are we proving faith in God or are we doubting whether He has equipped us to properly glorify Him with time-proven tools? Common sense, wisdom, knowledge, prudence, discernment, self-control, and patience are all tools that God gives us as His children to glorify Him before the world, and He is able to work more efficiently when we use all the tools He put at our disposal. Unfortunately, God does not tell us to look up Hezekiah 4:16 to find, "Cindy, you will marry Dan."
"There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death" (Proverbs 16:25). Satan may also want a quick marriage, before anyone figures out it isn't God's will. In this cosmic conflict, "faith" is often influenced by our own desires. The problem we all share is, because we might want something doesn’t mean God does, yet our all-too-human hearts base our faith on that premise.
Pray, pray, and pray some more . . .
There are times when God will leave us to our own decisions if we are bent on going there, even though it is not His will. We must pray that we are willing to have God’s will be done, and not our own, during the proving time. Give God time to close doors and open windows, to help you be the right one and find the right one. Demonstrate faith in God by giving Him time to work in either direction without fear of loss. I didn’t say without loss, but rather, without the fear of loss. Patient trust in God, without fear, is the essence of true faith.
Mature advice
Since this book is for singles of any age, we'd like to briefly include some advice for more mature singles. I've often heard that short engagements are best for mature couples. “We don't have much time left, so we have to hurry.” Many move forward in marriage in spite of caution against such rash decisions —because they are “older and wiser." However, having known the other for only a brief time, the marriage sadly turns into the most miserable of all marriages. If only we could put into words the heartache we have seen from such unions. Advice from those seniors after-the-fact: loooooooooooooooong dating process, then short engagement.
Incompatible?
The difference between outcomes in the younger versus the more mature population is that younger couples who rush into a marriage will usually divorce, but older couples guard their principles against divorce and just live in misery. These more mature couples haven't made a better choice but just demonstrate loyalty to bad decisions. We do not condone divorce for any reason other than the biblical reason of adultery. We do not condone divorce for incompatibility or to "get happy" - both are not circumstances, but rather choices. Instead, we encourage godly decisions from the beginning. It is heartbreaking to see urgency leading to rash decisions ending with misery during the “golden years” when they should be the most happy.
Whether young or old, if a poor decision is made, if mistakes are made, we encourage you to take what you have and make it the best. You can be twitterpated again. That means mutual acknowledgement of the poor decision, confession followed by a change of selfishness, attitude, and behavior, and creating between both individuals a godly unit. Marriage is not sixty-plus years of euphoria. "Life" hits at some point, and it takes more than twitterpation to get you through together. It takes commitment even in the most solid marriages when you are too tired, overwhelmed, and hurt to be together. It doesn’t have to be this way, but sometimes "life" just hits you head-on with things over which you have no control. It is during these times that the seemingly irreversible mistakes surface and love is no longer enough. If two people work to accomplish God's will rather than taking the easy way out, even the worst marriages can be truly happy.
So what happened to Jessica and Aaron? Unfortunately, Aaron is no longer a knight in shining armor and Jessica no longer receives roses. Their
mix-and-pour marriage became a sad statistic in just a few years time.
Now is the time . . .
Now, Reader, is the time to prepare so you can avoid a mix-and-pour marriage. Now is the time to prove that special someone, the time to prove God, the time to determine your own future happiness by remaining open-minded throughout the dating process, by predetermining to avoid finding excuses for behaviors, by preparing advance strategies for potential changes late in dating, by giving your relationship T-I-M-E. Follow these principles, and you will be prepared to make those tough, but critical, choices if needed - in spite of a deep emotional attachment.
How depressing!
In a world of instant gratification, a three-year proving time may cause many a person to toss this book, but the plan is pretty solid for lifetime happiness if the reader is willing to see things as they are at the end of three years - bad or good. All this seems a bit depressing, but you know the old saying: "if you are prepared, it won't happen" so get prepared for the worse, and with God's blessing, you'll never experience anything but twitterpation for the next hundred years.
Now that we understand how time is a huge key to success, we can really appreciate the best parts of dating. There is great pleasure, satisfaction, and fulfillment by successful dating within the God's biblical Genesis model. "A wise heart will know the proper time and procedure," and it's time, so let's get wise and get on with the "fun" part. The first dating step to follow . . . .
Pitfalls of a Mix ‘n’ Pour Marriage
“Whoever obeys his command will come to no harm, and the wise heart will
know the proper time and procedure” (Ecclesiastes 8:5, NIV).
Jessica met Aaron through some good friends, and she was enamored with his self-confidence, gentlemanly ways, and surprising attentiveness toward her. This tall blonde haired, blue eyed knight in shining armor came into her life at the perfect time, and he was perfect. After dating several months, Aaron bore both a calendar and a rose in hand asking Jessica for her hand. Who in their right mind would refuse Mr. Perfect? Wedding plans ensued. Though planning a wedding was a little stressful at times, every day was brightened as Aaron dawned the doorstep with another red rose. By time they married one year after meeting, Jessica's calendar was covered with stickers, one for every rose. Aaron didn't miss a beat!
"It's all behind us . . . " or is it?
We all know that one decision can affect our temporal and eternal happiness, our salvation and that of others. We don’t have the privilege of really starting over. We may say, “OK, if I mess this up I'll just start over with someone else,” but it doesn't make starting over a reality. As much as denial can be a good coping skill in certain situations, it doesn't take long after marrying to realize that no one ever really "starts over." We may be a little older and wiser, we hope, and we may start a new relationship, but our lives really just take off where we left off. In other words, our past is always our past. The past of our spouse, or ex-spouse, remains our past as well. Clean get-aways do not exist.
To a great extent, we have control of how the past affects us, but not 100 percent control. Some things just can’t be controlled, such as the extranged parent's influence, neglect, or abuse of your child. Much can happen, even from a former knight in shining armor, while awaiting court decisions. While acknowledging the permanence of today's decisions and surveying the rest of our lives, seventy or more years, while considering our own eternity and that of our children, there is one dating piece that should be considered one of the most critical:
Know a person for a minimum of three full years before marrying him or her.
Time Matters: Committing to, and abiding by, this one principal will afford the best opportunity to apply brain over emotions and dramatically increase the potential of happiness, eternal happiness.
From our retro model a hundred years ago, a guy married the gal “next door." They often knew each other their entire lives, and there was no pulling the wool over anyone's eyes, so to speak. They not only knew the person, the families were well known to each other, as community interaction was just as critical as Facebook is today - only 100 years ago, visual observation of patterns, habits, and body language, 90 percent of communication, was not lacking in their social environment. Families knew families, parents knew the neighbor's kids, and each other, and everyone attended church together.
Over our thirty-plus years of observing couples, we see a clear pattern that those who marry having known each other for three years tend to be happier and more successful.
The Facade
Aaron excelled at keeping up an attractive facade. He could easily hide his undesirable characteristics for one year because he was so twitterpated. He was so happy with this "newness" in his life that he had no reason to be grumpy or demanding. Any question about his behavior she may have had was excused as "being human." After all, she wasn't perfect either. Aaron was too twitterpated to display his faults, and Jessica was too twitterpated to believe anything she saw might not be the real Aaron, an all-too-common pattern that first year (neither tendency being gender specific).
We have all seen and heard of situations where, as soon as they tied the knot, one spouse completely changed. It's just too easy to overlook or rationalize away any hints that might speak negative of our beloved because of being too swallowed up in the oogly-googlies that first year. And while twitterpated, we don’t tend to listen to anyone who makes any less-than-favorable observations. He or she didn’t really change at all, but just finally let his or her guard down, feeling secure that the prize was won. To be really secure, one must give time for that guard to drop before marrying.
Someone who is trying to make a good impression can also quite successfully keep his or her faults hidden for two years. This facade doesn’t falter until they tire of the energy required in “keeping up appearances.” They may let their guard down some in two years but not enough to truly expose their character.
Someone who is trying to impress might successfully hide his or her negative characteristics for three years, but we find that much more difficult to accomplish.
You can fool a person for one year easily, two years quite successfully, but three years is pretty tough. The three-year rule is not a guarantee, but it is by far your best method of avoiding surprises after the wedding, a painful, but common, experience.
What's behind the facade?
What are some easy-to-hide characteristics that you don't want to discover after you've signed on the bottom line?
Jake had no clue that Maria was doing drugs prior to their wedding. Jean's husband had been off alcohol for about a year, but one drink of spiked punch at the wedding brought it all back, along with physical abuse later toward her and their children. Remember the story in an earlier chapter about a spendthrift who unknowingly married a spender, forcing the thrify wife to work more than a reasonable amount and still be in massive debt. There are those who go to church, who are “upstanding” Christians, yet one might find a subtle rebellion against authority (ultimately God), control issues, anger, disrespect, poor financial integrity, laziness, lack of motivation even though known to be a “hard worker,” believing divorce is an option for convenience sake, drug use, pornography, self-abuse, and various abuses—sexual, physical, and/or verbal to mention just a few. Everything looks good on the surface, but as you give the relationship time you begin to see clues as evidence by their actions, which defy their claims.
Discernment
As Christians, we all want to believe what people tell us, to give the benefit of the doubt, and with a good track record, it seems unloving to ignore a wonderful past and focus on subtle hints of "new" behaviors late in the process. Once discovered, all too often many feel they have invested too much to turn back now. Dating becomes one scenario where godly discernment is demonstrated by seeing current behaviors as warning signs in spite of a noble past, and taking action accordingly no matter how much time is invested. It’s better to "waste" a few years now than to ruin
the next eighty. This holds true right up to the bachelor party . . . and wedding vows.
Dating should be done with the idea of observing and sharing a multitude of various interactions and scenarios with a good friend over a long period of time so you can see their “personal self”, which is not displayed until they are comfortable enough to let down their guard. I must be straight-forward and say that being comfortable enough to “make out”, doesn’t mean he or she is letting his or her guard down, a common misconception. The relationship must be allowed to get “old” yet not too old. There is a fine line between the two during which a great deal of mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical effort creates attachment - at appropriate times - which takes from two to two-and-a-half years of dating, having known him or her a total of three. Only then are you in the safest position to make that marriage decision about your “good friend”.
But, but, but . . .
Many will try to rationalize this time period away. "We want to leave on an extended mission trip so we should get married now," "we need to hurry because Christ may be coming back before three years is up," and "there is that happy couple who just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary after meeting and marrying within two months." Keep in mind that in 2009, over two million couples were married. How many couples do we know who met and married within two months and are still happy? Marriage is not the place to play roulette just because we can cite one or two out of millions that survived playing the odds.
Faith
So where does faith in God's leading, impressions, and signs pointing toward a certain someone come into play?
Hans asked God to stop his car from cutting out if he was to marry Leah. Miraculously, his car immediately ran perfectly. Later the same thing happened - his car was cutting out, he asked God to fix it if he was to marry Leah, and the car stopped acting up again. It happened a third time just the same as the first two, so Hans married Leah. Though he was perfectly sincere in his undertanding of this miracle, common sense would ask, “if God really fixed it, why did it cut out later, and why did He have to fix it three times?” Can you see how distorted our thoughts and feelings can be when we desparately want something? Hans and Leah did not even make their two-month anniversary.
What about when you see God leading you toward a certain someone even though you have only known him or her a few months or a year? You just know God is telling you to marry. By committing to marriage before a proving time, are we proving faith in God or are we doubting whether He has equipped us to properly glorify Him with time-proven tools? Common sense, wisdom, knowledge, prudence, discernment, self-control, and patience are all tools that God gives us as His children to glorify Him before the world, and He is able to work more efficiently when we use all the tools He put at our disposal. Unfortunately, God does not tell us to look up Hezekiah 4:16 to find, "Cindy, you will marry Dan."
"There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death" (Proverbs 16:25). Satan may also want a quick marriage, before anyone figures out it isn't God's will. In this cosmic conflict, "faith" is often influenced by our own desires. The problem we all share is, because we might want something doesn’t mean God does, yet our all-too-human hearts base our faith on that premise.
Pray, pray, and pray some more . . .
There are times when God will leave us to our own decisions if we are bent on going there, even though it is not His will. We must pray that we are willing to have God’s will be done, and not our own, during the proving time. Give God time to close doors and open windows, to help you be the right one and find the right one. Demonstrate faith in God by giving Him time to work in either direction without fear of loss. I didn’t say without loss, but rather, without the fear of loss. Patient trust in God, without fear, is the essence of true faith.
Mature advice
Since this book is for singles of any age, we'd like to briefly include some advice for more mature singles. I've often heard that short engagements are best for mature couples. “We don't have much time left, so we have to hurry.” Many move forward in marriage in spite of caution against such rash decisions —because they are “older and wiser." However, having known the other for only a brief time, the marriage sadly turns into the most miserable of all marriages. If only we could put into words the heartache we have seen from such unions. Advice from those seniors after-the-fact: loooooooooooooooong dating process, then short engagement.
Incompatible?
The difference between outcomes in the younger versus the more mature population is that younger couples who rush into a marriage will usually divorce, but older couples guard their principles against divorce and just live in misery. These more mature couples haven't made a better choice but just demonstrate loyalty to bad decisions. We do not condone divorce for any reason other than the biblical reason of adultery. We do not condone divorce for incompatibility or to "get happy" - both are not circumstances, but rather choices. Instead, we encourage godly decisions from the beginning. It is heartbreaking to see urgency leading to rash decisions ending with misery during the “golden years” when they should be the most happy.
Whether young or old, if a poor decision is made, if mistakes are made, we encourage you to take what you have and make it the best. You can be twitterpated again. That means mutual acknowledgement of the poor decision, confession followed by a change of selfishness, attitude, and behavior, and creating between both individuals a godly unit. Marriage is not sixty-plus years of euphoria. "Life" hits at some point, and it takes more than twitterpation to get you through together. It takes commitment even in the most solid marriages when you are too tired, overwhelmed, and hurt to be together. It doesn’t have to be this way, but sometimes "life" just hits you head-on with things over which you have no control. It is during these times that the seemingly irreversible mistakes surface and love is no longer enough. If two people work to accomplish God's will rather than taking the easy way out, even the worst marriages can be truly happy.
So what happened to Jessica and Aaron? Unfortunately, Aaron is no longer a knight in shining armor and Jessica no longer receives roses. Their
mix-and-pour marriage became a sad statistic in just a few years time.
Now is the time . . .
Now, Reader, is the time to prepare so you can avoid a mix-and-pour marriage. Now is the time to prove that special someone, the time to prove God, the time to determine your own future happiness by remaining open-minded throughout the dating process, by predetermining to avoid finding excuses for behaviors, by preparing advance strategies for potential changes late in dating, by giving your relationship T-I-M-E. Follow these principles, and you will be prepared to make those tough, but critical, choices if needed - in spite of a deep emotional attachment.
How depressing!
In a world of instant gratification, a three-year proving time may cause many a person to toss this book, but the plan is pretty solid for lifetime happiness if the reader is willing to see things as they are at the end of three years - bad or good. All this seems a bit depressing, but you know the old saying: "if you are prepared, it won't happen" so get prepared for the worse, and with God's blessing, you'll never experience anything but twitterpation for the next hundred years.
Now that we understand how time is a huge key to success, we can really appreciate the best parts of dating. There is great pleasure, satisfaction, and fulfillment by successful dating within the God's biblical Genesis model. "A wise heart will know the proper time and procedure," and it's time, so let's get wise and get on with the "fun" part. The first dating step to follow . . . .