Chapter 9 - A Trip Back in Time

Caution: Up To Date is designed to be read in a linear fashion, as each chapter builds on principles established in the previous chapters. For your best relationship success, begin with the introduction and progress chapter by chapter.

Chapter Nine

A Trip Back in Time - Gender Roles

"She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.
Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates"
(Proverbs 31:22, 23; 31).

Gender Roles: God’s balance representing the way in which He divided His own image between the two genders, creating roles according to needs. When God said that Adam was to be the head of the family and Eve was to help Adam—a team, independence and equality of soul was also a part of that plan (see Proverbs 21:10-31). The gender role difference isn’t about power, yet true happiness is directly proportionate to the reverence held for God’s sacred marriage roles.

Rights, obligations, and expected behavior patterns?

Gender roles are often mistakenly associated with what I call "chores". However, the only correlation to gender roles and chores is if one gender happens to be most available most often to complete the chore.

A father called me about his ill child a while back. He explained the symptoms and then followed with, "my wife is laid up and that's why this is getting dumped on me." His comment broke my heart.

Events, chores, or duties do not define gender roles. Rather, whoever is available to do the chore must get it done. His may have been a stereotypical response, but in this case, he was available, so it was now his job and it was not dumped on him.

Rather than practical activities, intellectual and emotional responsibility is a much more realistic approach to gender roles. Establishing these patterns from the beginning and maintaining them throughout the marriage decreases confusion and frustration. Therefore, a healthy pattern should begin before intiating dating.

As a general rule, men prefer to be the head of the house, yet there are many reasons why some are not. If a man isn’t the head, it may or may not be his fault, but it is his role to develop—in a humble, godly way. Many modern men suggest, "I’m not responsible enough, so you be the leader." Wrong answer. It’s now time to become responsible. It is time to build a character that is reliable, honest, and selfless enough that the family can trust him with the responsibility. When reading Love and Respect and For Women Only as recommended in our chapter on resources, it will become clear why men need this role and women need a different role.

Genesis 2:24 says, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Of course, the new couple establishes a home and becomes their own complete familial entity. Since God didn’t specifically say the woman leaves her father and mother, God approves an invitation to again come under the protecting nature of her father should she be widowed or some other unfortunate thing happen to her man. This reaffirms the father’s role (a man's role) as head of his family.

Read the text again to see if this makes any sense? If you think outside of the box, this "defined" rule for men describes the difference in genders—women are capable, but they just desire more nurturing. A man, on the other hand, being the head of his house, generally doesn’t need this extra protective nurturing.

One of my favorite sayings is: "The man is the head, but the woman is the neck that turns the head."Oneness can be complete only when both have equal input yet the man’s strength causes him to act as facilitator for his family. He must learn to be worthy so that he can faithfully guide his family even in disagreement. He is to be nurturing, supporting, following Christ’s example by lovingly, but firmly, enforcing the rules of God in his home, thereby making way for the salvation of his family. Yet, a woman gives input, challenges her man when needed, and then she supports his honest, unselfish, and godly decisions.

We all, as individuals, need this backup system, this teamwork, because we are all human and so fallible.

Have you ever analyzed how God’s balance of the genders creates great opportunities for character development? If we were to generalize a few characteristics, guys tend to be less patient that women. I am aware this generalization isn’t across the board, but just humor me here for the sake of example. Because God knows that guys need to learn patience, He gave women characteristics that require patience such as primping (which, of course, we do for our guy).

Women tend to be process oriented, instead of goal oriented. They may be indecisive or change their minds frequently. On the other hand, guys can often be decisive and opinionated without considering the emotional aspects. Women can learn how to be more decisive, and men can learn how to be more flexible. With any gender characteristic that can be "generalized," God has given the opposite gender a counter-characteristic so that the complement goes beyond learning—to completeness.

Ephesians chapter five shares how God’s gender plan comes together, which is very comfortable for both parties if instituted with Christ’s humility as the first ingredient in a relationship.

Remember that detailed rationales explaining the importance of gender differences are addressed in Love and Respect and For Women/Men Only. Don’t forget to read these essential resources.

You may wonder about how to practically apply gender roles. Following, I only explain below the ones that pertain directly to dating, but should continue throughout marriage. You may want to pay special attention to the rationales as it makes much more sense if you know how the other gender is thinking. Most of them statements here expressed were from the originating gender.

Men’s roles

In building his family

A man has the right to choose his date or bride. Guys have shared that they would have considered a girl if she were the one who asked him for the relationship. They would not shun her frivolously, but they followed this by saying that it’s the guys role to do the choosing and the asking. It’s a male’s right of passage and part of being head of his household.

A man should always be the first to say, "I love you." This verbalization is a big step in relationship commitment. Since it is taking the relationship to a new level, it is the guy’s role, and not one that should be anticipated before he is ready.

It is a guy’s role to ask her parent’s permission to date, as well as to marry their daughter.

It is his role to initiate the bonding process with her family, nurturing and wooing them. He should take a gift for her mother each time he is hosted in their home. This should be from the heart, of course, and done even after marrying. He needn’t do this if just going over to hang out, but only if the event offers hospitality such as a meal. This gesture expresses the initiative to be a head of a family, showing support and respect versus being dependent on another for that meal. The gift can be something as simple as a single flower from a garden (hopefully not hers) or a small contribution of food. It should not be expensive or complicated. This practical courtesy expresses appreciation for her mother’s labor and assures that her mother’s, or the family’s generosity, is not being taken for granted, an all-too-common mistake. Clearly communicating this sentiment is critical to bonding—and is his role to initiate.

A guy should be the one to introduce his girl to his parents and to have an active part in nurturing the relationship between them.

It is a man’s role to be chivalrous.

In finances

Just as a guy is to be responsible for financial care of a family, it is his role to pay for any date he initiates. Girls should not pay. If you can’t afford a real date, find a river to throw rocks into or some other innocent activity to do together. If a guy is going to be the leader of the relationship, he needs to lead, even in finances.

In decision-making

I belabor this "little" point, even though a couple might overlook fault in this area while dating, because it always becomes a mountain once married. Everyone knows a couple that cannot make a decision if their life depended on it. This is frustrating for the couple, as well as for those who hang out with them.

The dilemma can go two directions: one demands to make all decisions and/or one always punts. The problem with being demanding is obvious; the problem with punting isn’t so obvious. The punting is often done under the banner of "I just want to make you happy." It is important to consider another’s wishes, but this repeated practice of punting decisions avoids responsibility, which then pervades many other areas of important decision-making.

If a person really wants to make the other happy, he or she will take on their share of responsibility by making decisions. Develop good habits from the very first date. Men, make the majority of dating plans. Ask her opinion and brainstorm options together, but before a few minutes pass, you need to make that final decision. The point isn’t whose idea you decide upon, the point is who decides. I won’t belabor this anymore, but do take this seriously for the sake of "happily ever after".

Women’s roles

In building the family

Example patience by allowing your guy to initiate the relationship. If he is head over heels enough to date, he’ll ask. If not, no amount of assertion on your part is going to solidify him in your arms. Besides, you want a guy that has enough backbone to initiate. Don’t remove his opportunity to demonstrate that skill. It’s hard to wait and see if the guy you prefer will choose you over the masses, but often if a girl has to initiate, the guy isn’t really that interested. An assertive girl may develop a reputation, and any guy who wants to be the head of his house will look elsewhere. You girls will see a lot of instruction given directly to guys in this book. These are meant for you to learn about, because knowing the plan will decrease your stress. A wise girl will leave those things for the guys to handle, as tough as that might seem.

Allow your guy to be the first to tell you of his love. Since it is a commitment, should a girl express it before he is ready, it will scare him half to death. Once the damage is done, he is likely to run far away, making excuses or giving not the slightest explanation.

It is your role as the girl to clue your parents in on your acceptance of him before he asks their permission to date you. Of course, you can only do that if you think he might ask. Otherwise, if it’s a surprise for both you and your parents, they should hold off in giving permission until they ask you.

A girl’s role is to woo a guy’s family once introduced. It is OK for a guy to take the initiative and ask her parent’s permission to date whether he knows them or not. On the other hand, a girl must allow him to introduce her to his family before she begins wooing them. A girl should not randomly call his parents (even if she already knows them) or stop by to prematurely introduce herself. Respect his leadership, and let him introduce you (or announce you and the relationship) to his family.

A woman’s role is to accept chivalry.

In finances

A girl should not offer to pay on a date. She may spend money on him by picking up a surprise smoothie or buying a granola bar for him, but if invited on a date, he needs to pay. If he initiates a date, let’s say, to the beach . . . and she insists on going into an ice cream shop, then it's OK to offer to treat him to a cone. That ice cream "event" in not a predefined date.

In decision-making

A girl’s role is to let the guy make most major decisions. She ought to give input. If he makes the decisions 100 percent of the time without asking for input, negotiate. However, never make more than 50 percent of those decisions even if he insists you do, or you are taking the lead.

Girls are not to ask a guy out on an official date. That is always his role. However, girls can invite him out—to her house for dinner, that is. If you are already in a committed relationship, you can certainly invite him over and to family or church events. Go for it!

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them" (Genesis 1:27).
A successful and happy relationship is all about working within God-given roles as a team, thereby imaging God.

Since we are going retro here, I want to share an ancient concept that suggests it might be fun to act on and support each other's gender roles. Many believe it way too old-fashioned, but in spite of a feminist society, dreams about a knight in shining armor has changed little since medieval times where he shows up to whisk her away to safety just in the nick of time. Hmmm . . . knight in shining armor -- his appearance less important than his behavior after the rescue, which does not include a couch and remote while she tends to the horse. What is this chivalry all about anyway? Coming up: a real knight in shining armor . . .

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