Caution: Up To Date is designed to be read in a linear fashion, as each chapter builds on principles established in the previous chapters. For your best relationship success, begin with the introduction and progress chapter by chapter.
Chapter Twenty-five
Star Spangled Banner (s)
Star Spangled Banner (s)
“Who is she that looketh forth as the morning, fair as the moon, clear as the sun,
and terrible as an army with banners” (Song of Solomon 6:10)?
Solomon’s picture paints more than a thousand words. As beauty and charm draws the senses, certain banners, or flags, declare a need to fear, stand firm and fight, surrender, or retreat.
This is a tough chapter to write, because it’s neither pleasant, nor popular, to be boldly upfront about individuals who may exhibit red flags. It seems that to be politically correct, one must express the utmost faith in every human being, never believing that anyone, especially a Christian, is capable of either error or deceit, yet it is this very thing that creates the same 50 percent marriage failure both within and without the church. To ignore or downplay these issues, to express unearned faith, is one of the reasons so many couples passively overlook issues that bring failure and ruin to their lives.
Another reason for failure is simply that of blind love – choosing not to see the warning signs so as to escape potential loss. In order to take control of your future, which no one else can do for you, one must recognize satanic strategies in this cosmic battle. One must recognize that Satan doesn’t send demonic appearing, terrible people to force you away from Christ, but instead he uses charming, warm, loving people who woo you, a sincerely committed person, to them. Then once you (who believe in life-long commitment) have made those wedding vows before God, Satan woos that person closer to him in attempts to lead you along, and it’s choose or lose. It’s fearful, this cosmic battle, but it doesn’t have to be “because greater is He [God] that is in you, than he [Satan] that is in the world,” as long as we are willing to see God’s warnings – those red flags. Sadly, most people's emotions rule their intellect, even with the most astute, and that without their notice. He or she will not accept that the person they have put up on a pedestal could possibly fall off, but . . .
. . . one person's feelings do not define another's character.
The truth is, behavior patterns expose the heart – the character. Some patterns may simply be a lack of education/training, an unconscious reaction, symptoms of a deeper issue, or even intentional manipulation. The difficulty lies in telling the difference, recognizing the dangers, and responding safely. Here we help the reader understand which behaviors symbolize specific character flaws that are less a lack of education than a symptom (symbol) of a bigger character issue. These are worth learning, as they impact today’s decision for tomorrow’s happiness.
Though human behavior may demonstrate a basic, predictable pattern, this isn’t a psychology book, so we are not going to jump into an in-depth analysis of the human psyche. If you are interested in more in-depth psychology, or if you find yourself repeatedly in painful friendships and/or relationships, you may find the book Safe People by Cloud and Townsend to be very enlightening.
Flags in general
Relationships post three different flag colors: red, yellow, or green. As with a traffic signal, red means stop, yellow means to proceed with caution, and green means move forward. As always, our best defense is to be ready, in advance, to act appropriately should that red or yellow flag pop up, all the while giving ample time to demonstrate the green-flag criterion should there be no red or yellow flags.
Some examples might include bachelor party games involving a girl of any kind other than his bride or mother. A yellow flag is when he or she backs off the relationship for any reason. A green flag is when he or she demonstrates the strength to stand up to peers for the right, treats you and your parents with love and respect, and honors God even when he/she is alone. Let’s look at the colors one-by-one . . . .
Red flags
Red flags define obvious reasons to break up, yet they don’t seem all that obvious at the time because, in our human nature, we don’t want to believe that anyone in whom we’ve put our trust could have a less than honorable character trait. We feel that his or her behavior must just be a one-time mistake, he or she has learned his lesson and will never do it again, he or she has so many good character traits so I can deal with this one issue, or my love for them will eventually make them want to change. I hope my emphasis on these excuses will expose the prevalence of this dangerous coping mechanism.
Red flags behaviors expose his or her true heart-felt values learned from childhood. Love will not fix them, promises will not fix them, wedding vows will not fix them, and you will not fix them. Often engagement is a conscious or subconscious testing time to see how you will tolerate his or her behavior. The only thing that will change this value system is a true and complete conversion.
Unfortunately many will claim repentance and conversion with overflowing tears and many promises, but like Judas who betrayed Christ, he or she is just distraught over their situation or potential loss rather than the error of their ways. Often this conversion story reunites the couple, but the errors surface again after the honeymoon is over.
Unless already married when first demonstrated, red flags do not warrant grace in the relationship – which is why they are red and not yellow. Yes, they warrant our forgiveness, but not the grace of a continuing relationship.
If a person sees one red flag, unless already married, the only safe path is to separate permanently or until that “conversion experience” has been demonstrated for at least three years (and even then it’s risky) – during which time there is no association. It seems radical, yes, but years of observation demonstrate the wisdom in such caution. A solid character worthy of your attentions would have no need of converting – he or she would never have held up that red flag to begin with. This is what it’s all about. Yellow warrants grace, red means about-face.
When picking a mate, red flags warnings always override any and all good traits they may demonstrate – bar none. Even if temporarily stopped, any red flag behaviors exhibited prior to marriage will not go away on their own and will likely increase during the low points and stressful times, which are part of every marriage.
The short list of red flags are: 1) avoidance of or false intimate spiritual life, 2) adultery, 3) forcing or manipulating you or another to behave in a certain way, 4) taking physical control of you or others, 5) possessiveness, 6) persistent jealousy, 7) immorality, less-than-honorable values including dishonesty, 8) treating parents disrespectfully, 9) consistent spending indiscretions, and 10) abusiveness (mild or severe) be it physical, mental, verbal, or emotional. If you notice, the topics listed fall somewhere under the banner of one or more of God’s Ten Commandments (rather than Ten Suggestions), which is another reason these red flags, in your best interest, are non-negotiable. Let’s dive into them here:
This is a tough chapter to write, because it’s neither pleasant, nor popular, to be boldly upfront about individuals who may exhibit red flags. It seems that to be politically correct, one must express the utmost faith in every human being, never believing that anyone, especially a Christian, is capable of either error or deceit, yet it is this very thing that creates the same 50 percent marriage failure both within and without the church. To ignore or downplay these issues, to express unearned faith, is one of the reasons so many couples passively overlook issues that bring failure and ruin to their lives.
Another reason for failure is simply that of blind love – choosing not to see the warning signs so as to escape potential loss. In order to take control of your future, which no one else can do for you, one must recognize satanic strategies in this cosmic battle. One must recognize that Satan doesn’t send demonic appearing, terrible people to force you away from Christ, but instead he uses charming, warm, loving people who woo you, a sincerely committed person, to them. Then once you (who believe in life-long commitment) have made those wedding vows before God, Satan woos that person closer to him in attempts to lead you along, and it’s choose or lose. It’s fearful, this cosmic battle, but it doesn’t have to be “because greater is He [God] that is in you, than he [Satan] that is in the world,” as long as we are willing to see God’s warnings – those red flags. Sadly, most people's emotions rule their intellect, even with the most astute, and that without their notice. He or she will not accept that the person they have put up on a pedestal could possibly fall off, but . . .
. . . one person's feelings do not define another's character.
The truth is, behavior patterns expose the heart – the character. Some patterns may simply be a lack of education/training, an unconscious reaction, symptoms of a deeper issue, or even intentional manipulation. The difficulty lies in telling the difference, recognizing the dangers, and responding safely. Here we help the reader understand which behaviors symbolize specific character flaws that are less a lack of education than a symptom (symbol) of a bigger character issue. These are worth learning, as they impact today’s decision for tomorrow’s happiness.
Though human behavior may demonstrate a basic, predictable pattern, this isn’t a psychology book, so we are not going to jump into an in-depth analysis of the human psyche. If you are interested in more in-depth psychology, or if you find yourself repeatedly in painful friendships and/or relationships, you may find the book Safe People by Cloud and Townsend to be very enlightening.
Flags in general
Relationships post three different flag colors: red, yellow, or green. As with a traffic signal, red means stop, yellow means to proceed with caution, and green means move forward. As always, our best defense is to be ready, in advance, to act appropriately should that red or yellow flag pop up, all the while giving ample time to demonstrate the green-flag criterion should there be no red or yellow flags.
Some examples might include bachelor party games involving a girl of any kind other than his bride or mother. A yellow flag is when he or she backs off the relationship for any reason. A green flag is when he or she demonstrates the strength to stand up to peers for the right, treats you and your parents with love and respect, and honors God even when he/she is alone. Let’s look at the colors one-by-one . . . .
Red flags
Red flags define obvious reasons to break up, yet they don’t seem all that obvious at the time because, in our human nature, we don’t want to believe that anyone in whom we’ve put our trust could have a less than honorable character trait. We feel that his or her behavior must just be a one-time mistake, he or she has learned his lesson and will never do it again, he or she has so many good character traits so I can deal with this one issue, or my love for them will eventually make them want to change. I hope my emphasis on these excuses will expose the prevalence of this dangerous coping mechanism.
Red flags behaviors expose his or her true heart-felt values learned from childhood. Love will not fix them, promises will not fix them, wedding vows will not fix them, and you will not fix them. Often engagement is a conscious or subconscious testing time to see how you will tolerate his or her behavior. The only thing that will change this value system is a true and complete conversion.
Unfortunately many will claim repentance and conversion with overflowing tears and many promises, but like Judas who betrayed Christ, he or she is just distraught over their situation or potential loss rather than the error of their ways. Often this conversion story reunites the couple, but the errors surface again after the honeymoon is over.
Unless already married when first demonstrated, red flags do not warrant grace in the relationship – which is why they are red and not yellow. Yes, they warrant our forgiveness, but not the grace of a continuing relationship.
If a person sees one red flag, unless already married, the only safe path is to separate permanently or until that “conversion experience” has been demonstrated for at least three years (and even then it’s risky) – during which time there is no association. It seems radical, yes, but years of observation demonstrate the wisdom in such caution. A solid character worthy of your attentions would have no need of converting – he or she would never have held up that red flag to begin with. This is what it’s all about. Yellow warrants grace, red means about-face.
When picking a mate, red flags warnings always override any and all good traits they may demonstrate – bar none. Even if temporarily stopped, any red flag behaviors exhibited prior to marriage will not go away on their own and will likely increase during the low points and stressful times, which are part of every marriage.
The short list of red flags are: 1) avoidance of or false intimate spiritual life, 2) adultery, 3) forcing or manipulating you or another to behave in a certain way, 4) taking physical control of you or others, 5) possessiveness, 6) persistent jealousy, 7) immorality, less-than-honorable values including dishonesty, 8) treating parents disrespectfully, 9) consistent spending indiscretions, and 10) abusiveness (mild or severe) be it physical, mental, verbal, or emotional. If you notice, the topics listed fall somewhere under the banner of one or more of God’s Ten Commandments (rather than Ten Suggestions), which is another reason these red flags, in your best interest, are non-negotiable. Let’s dive into them here:
1) Avoidance of, or insincere, spiritual life: avoiding personal devotions, saying the right things but acting wrongly while justifying their actions – the keys here are both justifying actions and/or repetitive unChrist-like behaviors even if he or she may not justify them.
2) Adultery, per Christ, is anything involving lustful behavior even if just within the heart: sexual unfaithfulness, pornography, or lack of sexual self-control, whether in thought, expression, or action, whether alone or with someone else.
One hotly debated topic is the “right” of a man to experience a female encounter at, or attend a strip joint for, his bachelor party. This is not a rite of passage but really a demonstration of either no value system or abandoning his value system – either of which is a serious red flag. Most excuses fall on this line: “If I didn’t, the guys would think I’m a prude,” or “I just wasn’t thinking straight,” or “It didn’t mean anything to me – you are the one I love.” In reality, there is no excuse for it within the Christian realm, or outside. As mentioned before, it’s a simple statement of internal values and a breakup should be imminent without opportunity for reconciliation – even if—especially if—the wedding is tomorrow morning.
This is not a yellow flag to be worked out later—if he has no more love and respect for both God and his bride while twitterpated, he will have even less respect after the honeymoon is over. There are no second chances. Many a lonely bride has regretted her belief that if punished enough, he’d never do it again.
This same policy also applies to any woman who demonstrates similar choices at her bachelorette party.
3) Forcing or manipulating another to behave in a certain way. Manipulating is using strong suggestions and/or extensive reasoning to convince another that they want to do something they either don’t want to do or normally would not do. Guilt is often used to effect the desired action.
Since a relationship is meant for teamwork, it can be difficult to discern manipulation from good and well-meaning advice. A good test is to define who will benefit most from the end result, but even that can be deceiving. Codependent relationships, the most manipulative of all, bring constant struggles and unhappiness. If you are concerned about manipulation, and even more so if your friends and family express concern about manipulation, visit a professional counselor early on for help in discerning.
4) The problem with taking physical control of another, be it head locking, restraining (unless in danger), wrestling, or pushing seems a simple concept, but it is often excused under the guise of play. Prior to marriage, it is impossible to discern whether this behavior is really playing, sparring (testing), or mental conditioning with intent to obtain more control later. Aside from that, the physical contact required for wrestling exceeds appropriate pacing of the physical relationship with the emotional.
One who knows what love is, who truly loves and respects you, will respect the relationship progression and know that affection is not demonstrated by removing your control over your own body – a big red flag.
5) Possessiveness means your date is acting as though he or she owns you or treats you as an object to be owned, which usually involves jealously of other people’s attentions toward you. This is often demonstrated by telling you what to do rather than asking or advising, or as anger when you haven’t done what he or she asked – especially if the anger is demonstrated before asking an explanation.
Along the same lines is that of pushing to marry sooner than two and a half years. The only exception we trust in the three –and-a-half year dating period is if you have known each other since early childhood, he or she meets the criteria of a godly spouse, and both sets of parents approve. In this case, you may then drop the dating time frame to one-and-a-half years. If there seems to be an urgency to marry, it could indicate possessiveness or many other concerning reasons, but rarely is it an honorable one.
6) Jealousy – The appropriate way to handle any of friendships that may be of concern to your date is to talk about them and mutually define mutually-agreeable standards for outside relationships. If either party chooses not to honor those standards, a breakup is appropriate. Persistent jealousy and/or accusations rather than taking appropriate action (that of breaking up) is manipulative and a red flag, just like not holding to the agreed-upon friendship standard is also red flag.
7) Immorality involves all aspects contrary to Christian principles from honesty to sexual immorality. The following behaviors may be yellow flags if committed once but become red flags instantly when one particular error is repeated demonstrating a pattern: lies, steals, persistently flirts with someone other than you, lazy, persistently embarrasses you publicly even after being confronted, treats you disrespectfully, avoids conflict resolution, or makes excuses for poor behavior. A single episode of each mistake alone may be excused if repented of, but when two or more combined flaws of this caliber are demonstrated, an internal value is exposed. As with all red flags, forgiveness should be offered but without the grace of a continuing relationship.
8) Treating parents disrespectfully shows how he or she is likely to treat you once the honeymoon is over.
9) Consistent spending indiscretions betray covetousness – beware, no matter how many other wonderful traits they exhibit.
10) Abusive behavior
Physical: inflicting intentional pain whether “deserved” or not. Manipulation, convincing the victim to believe they are at fault, is often a part of the relationship. Intentional physical pain is never “deserved” in any dating relationship.
Mental: persistent manipulation or treatment as though you haven’t enough intelligence to think for yourself and that you should not be making decisions. A supportive relationship nurtures full and rounded thought processes, pros and cons, and then applies both person’s input towards making the decision. Any other persistently demonstrated pattern may be mental abuse.
Verbal: perhaps the most overlooked, misunderstood, and most commonly demonstrated in the Christian realm, verbal abuse includes talking down to you as though you are unintelligent, telling you that you are dumb, stupid, dense, or any other negative description, treating you sarcastically, teasing about negative things, but it also includes telling stories about you (whether true or not) without your permission, and exposing your faults to others. In essence, verbal abuse demonstrates lack of respect.
Emotional: using negative emotions to evoke his or her desired behavior from you such as intentionally making you angry so you’ll react, and then your reaction justifies his or her casting the blame on you for a specific situation. This also includes uncontrolled emotions directed toward you ranging from passion to anger to tears with the specific agenda of gaining sympathy to get his or her way. This isn’t meant to say that all tears are emotional abuse or manipulative. Tears can be very healing. One must watch, look, and listen over time to define the motives behind a pattern of tears.
11) Infatuation is a red flag. How does one know if the draw is infatuation? The only answer is time, time and more time, during which you stop, look, and listen for ongoing changes in interest, declining respect, and/or red and yellow flags.
12) It is best to stay clear from individuals from the following circumstances:
. . . when a person demonstrates a pattern of quick switches in relationships or near-relationships (for ease, let’s define that as three or more relationships in two years).
. . . when he or she is giving you attention while in another relationship, especially if giving you any excuse, or just the most common: “I’m going to break up with him/her anyway-just looking for the right time.” An honorable person will do one relationship at a time without even hinting at another until he or she ends the previous one. To do otherwise is manipulating a backup in case you don’t respond positively – a poor value system indeed.
. . . when a person was previously married but initiated a divorced without biblical reason. In this scenario, they demonstrate a lack of commitment and a value system based on something other than the Bible. Here is where I really become unpopular, but even physical abuse situations do not require divorce – it can be overcome through Jesus Christ and much hard work if there is a desire in both parties. I highly recommend separation as needed to keep the family safe, but true love is life-long . . . and if that kind of selfless commitment wasn’t previously demonstrated, you don’t want to be the next recipient of the lack.
. . . when a person has a biblical reason for divorce but begin dating before one year has passed, this seems to demonstrates one of three things: an inability to live alone, which is not a safe reason to date, a lack of importance assigned to their lifetime-commitment, or lack of emotional attachment when making that commitment – all scary things . . .
All of these “mistakes” can be made and then followed by a claim to change, but if he or she has behaved this way once, it demonstrates his/her value system. One who claims they’ve changed after such errors needs to have demonstrated the change while in the last relationship or the claim to “change” has as much, if not more of, a chance to be a manipulation than a truth.
Again, this all sounds so negative, which is why so many won’t write about it, but ignoring these cosmic strategies is what I believe to be causing the demise of marriages. I can’t help but see that knowing the enemy’s battle plan will help a person to better stop, look, and listen . . . and be ultimately happy.
Yellow flags
A yellow flag may warrant relationship-grace, but is of the caliber to also warrant postponing any nuptials at least six months, a year, and/or maybe more while working on the issue. This includes those one-time yellows mentioned in number seven above.
1) Lack of motivation is a significant yellow flag, which is demonstrated by avoidance of practical action. If he or she can’t decide what to do in life, has no plans for the future, a house, jobs, or other essential survival needs, and (this is key) is doing nothing productive while he or she remains undecided, he or she should not be planning for marriage. This means that you should move on before investing an extra year or two while awaiting decisions about the future, which may never come. If you don’t see progression in the first year of dating, you will likely face a lifetime of irresponsibility in your spouse. It isn’t uncommon for some to say, “It doesn’t matter, I love him (or her) so much that I am willing to take that risk.” We’ve seen many a young spouse tire of the irresponsibility after a few years, and then regret sets in—and the godly one who is sincere in their marriage vows will have another fifty-plus years of irresponsibility to bear. If one cannot see themselves giving him or her up after dating for one year, simply break up and keep your distance until you see that forward momentum solidified and in action. In this way, you are neither enabling nor rewarding irresponsibility, and you are protecting yourself in some small way.
2) Competitive and/or high-maintenance people present yellow flags. Opposites do attract, but in the area of personal maintenance, opposites are not complementary. Even two high-maintenance individuals will struggle together because of their competitive nature, but it only makes sense to date someone who shares the same level of goals, image, and aspirations.
This has nothing to do with caste or differing levels of popularity, but it has to do with how the high-maintenance person thinks about themselves and others, about living up to expectations, and being truly happy in marriage.
You may be flattered by a handsome, popular guy asking you out, but a yellow flag is hoisted if he is asking to date someone (be it you or another) whose “image,” goals, and values do not match his own, but instead attempts to “better-you” into that same image. If a guy tells you how to dress or how to advance your career, he is high-maintenance and competitive. Can you see how this person doesn’t really want to date you as you are, but wants to make a clone of themselves? He, too, won’t be happy in the long run. Such attentions are flattering to think of, but dangerous to pursue.
A girl may be gorgeous, but should she insist that you out-do someone else, be it in employment, appearance, or in your marriage proposal, she’ll be high-maintenance. Even if you meet her demands, she’ll raise them, and she may never be satisfied. She ought to be more excited about what you’re asking than whose proposal it tops.
A specific example of high-maintenance cites a woman, a pastor’s wife, who bleached her dark hair blonde. A friend asked in teasing if it was true that blondes have more fun. She was very offended. Not long after, it was discovered that this woman was having an extra-marital affair.
Is there anything morally wrong about bleaching hair? I haven’t seen that in the Bible, but some adorning features are mentioned within the realm of meekness: “Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price” (1 Peter 3:2–4). This advice can apply to a man or woman.
More specifically, if a woman is caring for herself as God instructed (eating and drinking right, exercising, etc), but not content with God’s natural adornment of her, if she is significantly focused on her appearance beyond that of neat, clean, and appropriate, she is seeking approval from outside of herself. Even that woman may not fully understand what she is seeking. The truth is, only God can totally fill her, and that from within, so that she is content, so the outward adornment is no longer paramount.
The idea I present here is a very old fashioned, but the “Virtuous Woman” spoken of in Proverbs 31:10-31 has somewhat of a different “appearance” than that which we “modern women” tend to idolize.
I will risk making the statement that when a woman demonstrates obvious or radical bleaching/dying of hair, bold makeup, false nails, tattoos, emphasis on jewelry, ultra-modern/flashy or immodest dress, subtle but consistently progressive changes in appearance, or sudden drastic changes, a yellow flag flies. The same yellow flag might wave for a guy who is obsessed with working out, spends too much time in front of a mirror, has to have a hot car, and insists his woman always look “expensive”.
Unhappiness with self-image reflects into an unhappy marriage. My intent is not to offend anyone, but rather to encourage some inner reflection with Jesus as the center. Learn how much He loves you, how much He did for you, and show Him your love and devotion by following His plan and accepting yourself as He made you. For the best success, avoid dating until you are able to see His image in you, and choose to date someone who already shares your same image-level rather than trying to change them.
3) According to a recent Huffington Post article, one sure sign of impending divorce is separate bank accounts. Prior to marriage, this yellow flag can turn to red if not happily resolved to express a willing trust instead of independence, separateness, and a temporary commitment. Why marry someone you can’t trust or if you want to keep all your money to yourself? If you aren’t comfortable with sharing bank accounts, the ingredients for a permanent relationship are not likely to exist. Proceed with great caution, if at all.
4) A yellow flag flies high when a person expresses blame toward God for discomfort in a relationship: “I don’t’ know why, but I just don’t feel like God wants me in this relationship.” We believe that God basically doesn’t reject us, but if He did, he’d give a specific reason why. Therefore, we believe that if God was telling someone not to date another, God would make it clear as to why, be it by red or yellow flags rather than just giving a vague impression. We really believe that this is more of a red flag than yellow, because we usually don’t see well-planned, responsible behaviors from these individuals. We really want to give confused daters the benefit of the doubt, so we marked it yellow, but the recipient of such a comment is likely to experience heartbreak if the relationship continues.
5) Instability, or inconstancy, is a yellow flag, but can become a red. If he or she has broken up with you once, it’s a yellow flag but may deserve another try. The second breakup changes it to a red flag and should be treated as such—no matter what the heart says. It’s time to move on. Security is essential in a long-term relationship, and cannot be had with on and off commitment. It will not change after marriage; it will just morph into other inconsistent behaviors if not divorce.
6) If you have dated for more than two years and you aren’t completely open with each other, if you are not spiritually, mentally, and emotionally one, that’s a yellow flag. Do not progress the relationship based only on time. Wait for that spiritual and mental oneness to happen before taking next step. If it goes longer than another year (to total three) without this connection, you just might never get there. Proceed with caution, if at all.
7) If you have dated each other for two years and his expressed plans and dreams don’t include you, that’s a big yellow flag. At this point, he ought to be thinking of progressing towards a more permanent relationship, even if he doesn’t express that by a proposal. There should be an occasional “we” somewhere in the talk when referencing the future. Forcing, encouraging, or suggesting your inclusion into his future plans, as many girls do, is counter-productive. Right now you are stopping, looking, and listening to see what’s in his heart. If you aren’t there, it’s your sign to proceed cautiously or take a different direction – in your best interest. Attempts at this point to put yourself into his heart will only break your own.
8) The workaholic seems a positive trait, but it really is a serious yellow flag. The key here is defining the purpose for excessive career obsession. Is it competition, self-exaltation or self-esteem, a higher standard of living, trying to live up to expectations, inability to say no, to further the work of God, or does he/she even know? Regardless of the motive, you have to decide how much it will impact a family with children a few years down the line. I could never do this topic justice without adding another large chapter. Be sure to read For Men Only and For Women Only to really get at the bottom of this major marriage issue.
9) Selfishness and arrogance are serious yellow flags. If combined, as they usually are, it’s a big red flag. It’s often easy to excuse selfish behavior, because we all suffer from such an ailment. Proceed cautiously if a friend or relative suggests it to be an issue in your date – even if you don’t see it, they could be right.
10) Use of the phrases "You'll get over it," "calm down," and "I told you so."
11) Many of the things listed in the chapter on “singleness” are yellow flags. I won’t list them here since you have already read them.
A big yellow flag—your counterfeit “right one”
We have noticed another interesting, but distinct pattern we’d like to call to your attention. Think about it—Satan has 6000 plus years of experience second guessing us and God, so if he sees things lining up for God to send that “right one” your way, what else can Satan do but send a wrong one to distract you? This is a cosmic battle. One would think it’s easy to discern Satan’s ambassadors, but even the most sincere person can be used by Satan in the most “innocent” way. We’ve seen it again and again; that “assumed” perfect-one shows up just before or about the time God moves.
You see, if God has in mind a person for your help-meet, a union that will make each of you the happiest and the most effective in forwarding God’s work, Satan will send someone who is as close as possible to the one God chose, yet with a flaw or two that might be instrumental in undermining your faith over time – or someone who is unmatched just enough that you will both be miserable your entire lives.
How will you discern a counterfeit potential mate in a sincere Christian? The first step is to set aside emotions while evaluating intellectually the flags you see. Gut feelings say a lot, as well. If you have any gut feelings that suggest things are not right, see that as a yellow flag until you discern what is really bothering you. Time, time, and more time, is always the best path to discernment, allowing him or her the best opportunities to display any hidden flags.
Please note that Satan doesn’t use this attack on everyone, but we certainly have seen it happen too many times to be coincidence. It is a battle plan, and the best way to avoid getting caught by Satan is to just be aware of this potential. We don’t recommend worrying about it and always keeping an eye out for other options while you are dating or engaged. One in a relationship should not keep a roving eye, but just realize that until you are married, plans can change.
Once married, unless adultery, the relationship is unalterable before God—whether you overlooked a flag or not. We have seen what seemed a counterfeit relationship; they married anyway. By the grace of God, though they have issues and troubles and may even wish they hadn’t married, they are committed to sticking it out and making it work—committed to making each other happy. We praise God for their loyalty to each other and to God.
It’s best to recognize that if it isn’t a solid green flag all the way, it’s a yellow by default. Yellow means slow down, use your brain, and proceed with caution.
Could one flag be all three colors?
As mentioned in the previous chapter, a “quick switch” or new dating relationship in less than six months from the last, may or may not be a yellow or red flag. It would be a red flag if one had been married, a yellow flag if he or she makes second “quick switch,” and green if all the right pieces come together in an honorable way. Be careful with this “quick switch” thing—it can go either way fast. We recommend following the dating time frame in this book to be sure of your colors.
Green flag
Once you have jumped through all the steps in this dating plan, this is your green flag: “Examine carefully to see if your married life would be happy or inharmonious and wretched. Let the questions be raised, Will this union help me heavenward? Will it increase my love for God? And will it enlarge my sphere of usefulness in this life? If these reflections present no drawback, then in the fear of God move forward” (FE 104, 105). I can’t say it any better.
In Summary . . .
Of course, it makes sense that in order to find the best spouse, one must be the best. Avoiding any red or yellow flags in your own life, as well as keeping your eyes open, will assure the best success.
We’ve already discussed that it’s easy to believe, when outside of the emotional moment and while analyzing behavior intellectually, that of course we wouldn’t marry someone who posted a red flag, but if that flag shows up either the day before or the day of the wedding, and our reputation and investment of time and money are on the line, few with a freshly broken heart are in the right state of mind to make the best decision.
Counseling books are full of stories where a spouse knew something wasn’t quite right just prior to the wedding but married anyway. Most figure that by then it’s too late, and “we’ll just work it out later” – wrong answer. One of the most difficult responsibilities in a relationship is saying “no” when our heart says “yes.” Confrontation isn’t on the forefront of coveted activities for most, and few go against the grain to do so even in the face of red flags.
So how does one follow up with a red flag, or a yellow turned red—in essence, how does one break up appropriately? The good news is that breaking up is a learned skill. How much do you know about it—really? Let’s find out . . . .
2) Adultery, per Christ, is anything involving lustful behavior even if just within the heart: sexual unfaithfulness, pornography, or lack of sexual self-control, whether in thought, expression, or action, whether alone or with someone else.
One hotly debated topic is the “right” of a man to experience a female encounter at, or attend a strip joint for, his bachelor party. This is not a rite of passage but really a demonstration of either no value system or abandoning his value system – either of which is a serious red flag. Most excuses fall on this line: “If I didn’t, the guys would think I’m a prude,” or “I just wasn’t thinking straight,” or “It didn’t mean anything to me – you are the one I love.” In reality, there is no excuse for it within the Christian realm, or outside. As mentioned before, it’s a simple statement of internal values and a breakup should be imminent without opportunity for reconciliation – even if—especially if—the wedding is tomorrow morning.
This is not a yellow flag to be worked out later—if he has no more love and respect for both God and his bride while twitterpated, he will have even less respect after the honeymoon is over. There are no second chances. Many a lonely bride has regretted her belief that if punished enough, he’d never do it again.
This same policy also applies to any woman who demonstrates similar choices at her bachelorette party.
3) Forcing or manipulating another to behave in a certain way. Manipulating is using strong suggestions and/or extensive reasoning to convince another that they want to do something they either don’t want to do or normally would not do. Guilt is often used to effect the desired action.
Since a relationship is meant for teamwork, it can be difficult to discern manipulation from good and well-meaning advice. A good test is to define who will benefit most from the end result, but even that can be deceiving. Codependent relationships, the most manipulative of all, bring constant struggles and unhappiness. If you are concerned about manipulation, and even more so if your friends and family express concern about manipulation, visit a professional counselor early on for help in discerning.
4) The problem with taking physical control of another, be it head locking, restraining (unless in danger), wrestling, or pushing seems a simple concept, but it is often excused under the guise of play. Prior to marriage, it is impossible to discern whether this behavior is really playing, sparring (testing), or mental conditioning with intent to obtain more control later. Aside from that, the physical contact required for wrestling exceeds appropriate pacing of the physical relationship with the emotional.
One who knows what love is, who truly loves and respects you, will respect the relationship progression and know that affection is not demonstrated by removing your control over your own body – a big red flag.
5) Possessiveness means your date is acting as though he or she owns you or treats you as an object to be owned, which usually involves jealously of other people’s attentions toward you. This is often demonstrated by telling you what to do rather than asking or advising, or as anger when you haven’t done what he or she asked – especially if the anger is demonstrated before asking an explanation.
Along the same lines is that of pushing to marry sooner than two and a half years. The only exception we trust in the three –and-a-half year dating period is if you have known each other since early childhood, he or she meets the criteria of a godly spouse, and both sets of parents approve. In this case, you may then drop the dating time frame to one-and-a-half years. If there seems to be an urgency to marry, it could indicate possessiveness or many other concerning reasons, but rarely is it an honorable one.
6) Jealousy – The appropriate way to handle any of friendships that may be of concern to your date is to talk about them and mutually define mutually-agreeable standards for outside relationships. If either party chooses not to honor those standards, a breakup is appropriate. Persistent jealousy and/or accusations rather than taking appropriate action (that of breaking up) is manipulative and a red flag, just like not holding to the agreed-upon friendship standard is also red flag.
7) Immorality involves all aspects contrary to Christian principles from honesty to sexual immorality. The following behaviors may be yellow flags if committed once but become red flags instantly when one particular error is repeated demonstrating a pattern: lies, steals, persistently flirts with someone other than you, lazy, persistently embarrasses you publicly even after being confronted, treats you disrespectfully, avoids conflict resolution, or makes excuses for poor behavior. A single episode of each mistake alone may be excused if repented of, but when two or more combined flaws of this caliber are demonstrated, an internal value is exposed. As with all red flags, forgiveness should be offered but without the grace of a continuing relationship.
8) Treating parents disrespectfully shows how he or she is likely to treat you once the honeymoon is over.
9) Consistent spending indiscretions betray covetousness – beware, no matter how many other wonderful traits they exhibit.
10) Abusive behavior
Physical: inflicting intentional pain whether “deserved” or not. Manipulation, convincing the victim to believe they are at fault, is often a part of the relationship. Intentional physical pain is never “deserved” in any dating relationship.
Mental: persistent manipulation or treatment as though you haven’t enough intelligence to think for yourself and that you should not be making decisions. A supportive relationship nurtures full and rounded thought processes, pros and cons, and then applies both person’s input towards making the decision. Any other persistently demonstrated pattern may be mental abuse.
Verbal: perhaps the most overlooked, misunderstood, and most commonly demonstrated in the Christian realm, verbal abuse includes talking down to you as though you are unintelligent, telling you that you are dumb, stupid, dense, or any other negative description, treating you sarcastically, teasing about negative things, but it also includes telling stories about you (whether true or not) without your permission, and exposing your faults to others. In essence, verbal abuse demonstrates lack of respect.
Emotional: using negative emotions to evoke his or her desired behavior from you such as intentionally making you angry so you’ll react, and then your reaction justifies his or her casting the blame on you for a specific situation. This also includes uncontrolled emotions directed toward you ranging from passion to anger to tears with the specific agenda of gaining sympathy to get his or her way. This isn’t meant to say that all tears are emotional abuse or manipulative. Tears can be very healing. One must watch, look, and listen over time to define the motives behind a pattern of tears.
11) Infatuation is a red flag. How does one know if the draw is infatuation? The only answer is time, time and more time, during which you stop, look, and listen for ongoing changes in interest, declining respect, and/or red and yellow flags.
12) It is best to stay clear from individuals from the following circumstances:
. . . when a person demonstrates a pattern of quick switches in relationships or near-relationships (for ease, let’s define that as three or more relationships in two years).
. . . when he or she is giving you attention while in another relationship, especially if giving you any excuse, or just the most common: “I’m going to break up with him/her anyway-just looking for the right time.” An honorable person will do one relationship at a time without even hinting at another until he or she ends the previous one. To do otherwise is manipulating a backup in case you don’t respond positively – a poor value system indeed.
. . . when a person was previously married but initiated a divorced without biblical reason. In this scenario, they demonstrate a lack of commitment and a value system based on something other than the Bible. Here is where I really become unpopular, but even physical abuse situations do not require divorce – it can be overcome through Jesus Christ and much hard work if there is a desire in both parties. I highly recommend separation as needed to keep the family safe, but true love is life-long . . . and if that kind of selfless commitment wasn’t previously demonstrated, you don’t want to be the next recipient of the lack.
. . . when a person has a biblical reason for divorce but begin dating before one year has passed, this seems to demonstrates one of three things: an inability to live alone, which is not a safe reason to date, a lack of importance assigned to their lifetime-commitment, or lack of emotional attachment when making that commitment – all scary things . . .
All of these “mistakes” can be made and then followed by a claim to change, but if he or she has behaved this way once, it demonstrates his/her value system. One who claims they’ve changed after such errors needs to have demonstrated the change while in the last relationship or the claim to “change” has as much, if not more of, a chance to be a manipulation than a truth.
Again, this all sounds so negative, which is why so many won’t write about it, but ignoring these cosmic strategies is what I believe to be causing the demise of marriages. I can’t help but see that knowing the enemy’s battle plan will help a person to better stop, look, and listen . . . and be ultimately happy.
Yellow flags
A yellow flag may warrant relationship-grace, but is of the caliber to also warrant postponing any nuptials at least six months, a year, and/or maybe more while working on the issue. This includes those one-time yellows mentioned in number seven above.
1) Lack of motivation is a significant yellow flag, which is demonstrated by avoidance of practical action. If he or she can’t decide what to do in life, has no plans for the future, a house, jobs, or other essential survival needs, and (this is key) is doing nothing productive while he or she remains undecided, he or she should not be planning for marriage. This means that you should move on before investing an extra year or two while awaiting decisions about the future, which may never come. If you don’t see progression in the first year of dating, you will likely face a lifetime of irresponsibility in your spouse. It isn’t uncommon for some to say, “It doesn’t matter, I love him (or her) so much that I am willing to take that risk.” We’ve seen many a young spouse tire of the irresponsibility after a few years, and then regret sets in—and the godly one who is sincere in their marriage vows will have another fifty-plus years of irresponsibility to bear. If one cannot see themselves giving him or her up after dating for one year, simply break up and keep your distance until you see that forward momentum solidified and in action. In this way, you are neither enabling nor rewarding irresponsibility, and you are protecting yourself in some small way.
2) Competitive and/or high-maintenance people present yellow flags. Opposites do attract, but in the area of personal maintenance, opposites are not complementary. Even two high-maintenance individuals will struggle together because of their competitive nature, but it only makes sense to date someone who shares the same level of goals, image, and aspirations.
This has nothing to do with caste or differing levels of popularity, but it has to do with how the high-maintenance person thinks about themselves and others, about living up to expectations, and being truly happy in marriage.
You may be flattered by a handsome, popular guy asking you out, but a yellow flag is hoisted if he is asking to date someone (be it you or another) whose “image,” goals, and values do not match his own, but instead attempts to “better-you” into that same image. If a guy tells you how to dress or how to advance your career, he is high-maintenance and competitive. Can you see how this person doesn’t really want to date you as you are, but wants to make a clone of themselves? He, too, won’t be happy in the long run. Such attentions are flattering to think of, but dangerous to pursue.
A girl may be gorgeous, but should she insist that you out-do someone else, be it in employment, appearance, or in your marriage proposal, she’ll be high-maintenance. Even if you meet her demands, she’ll raise them, and she may never be satisfied. She ought to be more excited about what you’re asking than whose proposal it tops.
A specific example of high-maintenance cites a woman, a pastor’s wife, who bleached her dark hair blonde. A friend asked in teasing if it was true that blondes have more fun. She was very offended. Not long after, it was discovered that this woman was having an extra-marital affair.
Is there anything morally wrong about bleaching hair? I haven’t seen that in the Bible, but some adorning features are mentioned within the realm of meekness: “Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price” (1 Peter 3:2–4). This advice can apply to a man or woman.
More specifically, if a woman is caring for herself as God instructed (eating and drinking right, exercising, etc), but not content with God’s natural adornment of her, if she is significantly focused on her appearance beyond that of neat, clean, and appropriate, she is seeking approval from outside of herself. Even that woman may not fully understand what she is seeking. The truth is, only God can totally fill her, and that from within, so that she is content, so the outward adornment is no longer paramount.
The idea I present here is a very old fashioned, but the “Virtuous Woman” spoken of in Proverbs 31:10-31 has somewhat of a different “appearance” than that which we “modern women” tend to idolize.
I will risk making the statement that when a woman demonstrates obvious or radical bleaching/dying of hair, bold makeup, false nails, tattoos, emphasis on jewelry, ultra-modern/flashy or immodest dress, subtle but consistently progressive changes in appearance, or sudden drastic changes, a yellow flag flies. The same yellow flag might wave for a guy who is obsessed with working out, spends too much time in front of a mirror, has to have a hot car, and insists his woman always look “expensive”.
Unhappiness with self-image reflects into an unhappy marriage. My intent is not to offend anyone, but rather to encourage some inner reflection with Jesus as the center. Learn how much He loves you, how much He did for you, and show Him your love and devotion by following His plan and accepting yourself as He made you. For the best success, avoid dating until you are able to see His image in you, and choose to date someone who already shares your same image-level rather than trying to change them.
3) According to a recent Huffington Post article, one sure sign of impending divorce is separate bank accounts. Prior to marriage, this yellow flag can turn to red if not happily resolved to express a willing trust instead of independence, separateness, and a temporary commitment. Why marry someone you can’t trust or if you want to keep all your money to yourself? If you aren’t comfortable with sharing bank accounts, the ingredients for a permanent relationship are not likely to exist. Proceed with great caution, if at all.
4) A yellow flag flies high when a person expresses blame toward God for discomfort in a relationship: “I don’t’ know why, but I just don’t feel like God wants me in this relationship.” We believe that God basically doesn’t reject us, but if He did, he’d give a specific reason why. Therefore, we believe that if God was telling someone not to date another, God would make it clear as to why, be it by red or yellow flags rather than just giving a vague impression. We really believe that this is more of a red flag than yellow, because we usually don’t see well-planned, responsible behaviors from these individuals. We really want to give confused daters the benefit of the doubt, so we marked it yellow, but the recipient of such a comment is likely to experience heartbreak if the relationship continues.
5) Instability, or inconstancy, is a yellow flag, but can become a red. If he or she has broken up with you once, it’s a yellow flag but may deserve another try. The second breakup changes it to a red flag and should be treated as such—no matter what the heart says. It’s time to move on. Security is essential in a long-term relationship, and cannot be had with on and off commitment. It will not change after marriage; it will just morph into other inconsistent behaviors if not divorce.
6) If you have dated for more than two years and you aren’t completely open with each other, if you are not spiritually, mentally, and emotionally one, that’s a yellow flag. Do not progress the relationship based only on time. Wait for that spiritual and mental oneness to happen before taking next step. If it goes longer than another year (to total three) without this connection, you just might never get there. Proceed with caution, if at all.
7) If you have dated each other for two years and his expressed plans and dreams don’t include you, that’s a big yellow flag. At this point, he ought to be thinking of progressing towards a more permanent relationship, even if he doesn’t express that by a proposal. There should be an occasional “we” somewhere in the talk when referencing the future. Forcing, encouraging, or suggesting your inclusion into his future plans, as many girls do, is counter-productive. Right now you are stopping, looking, and listening to see what’s in his heart. If you aren’t there, it’s your sign to proceed cautiously or take a different direction – in your best interest. Attempts at this point to put yourself into his heart will only break your own.
8) The workaholic seems a positive trait, but it really is a serious yellow flag. The key here is defining the purpose for excessive career obsession. Is it competition, self-exaltation or self-esteem, a higher standard of living, trying to live up to expectations, inability to say no, to further the work of God, or does he/she even know? Regardless of the motive, you have to decide how much it will impact a family with children a few years down the line. I could never do this topic justice without adding another large chapter. Be sure to read For Men Only and For Women Only to really get at the bottom of this major marriage issue.
9) Selfishness and arrogance are serious yellow flags. If combined, as they usually are, it’s a big red flag. It’s often easy to excuse selfish behavior, because we all suffer from such an ailment. Proceed cautiously if a friend or relative suggests it to be an issue in your date – even if you don’t see it, they could be right.
10) Use of the phrases "You'll get over it," "calm down," and "I told you so."
11) Many of the things listed in the chapter on “singleness” are yellow flags. I won’t list them here since you have already read them.
A big yellow flag—your counterfeit “right one”
We have noticed another interesting, but distinct pattern we’d like to call to your attention. Think about it—Satan has 6000 plus years of experience second guessing us and God, so if he sees things lining up for God to send that “right one” your way, what else can Satan do but send a wrong one to distract you? This is a cosmic battle. One would think it’s easy to discern Satan’s ambassadors, but even the most sincere person can be used by Satan in the most “innocent” way. We’ve seen it again and again; that “assumed” perfect-one shows up just before or about the time God moves.
You see, if God has in mind a person for your help-meet, a union that will make each of you the happiest and the most effective in forwarding God’s work, Satan will send someone who is as close as possible to the one God chose, yet with a flaw or two that might be instrumental in undermining your faith over time – or someone who is unmatched just enough that you will both be miserable your entire lives.
How will you discern a counterfeit potential mate in a sincere Christian? The first step is to set aside emotions while evaluating intellectually the flags you see. Gut feelings say a lot, as well. If you have any gut feelings that suggest things are not right, see that as a yellow flag until you discern what is really bothering you. Time, time, and more time, is always the best path to discernment, allowing him or her the best opportunities to display any hidden flags.
Please note that Satan doesn’t use this attack on everyone, but we certainly have seen it happen too many times to be coincidence. It is a battle plan, and the best way to avoid getting caught by Satan is to just be aware of this potential. We don’t recommend worrying about it and always keeping an eye out for other options while you are dating or engaged. One in a relationship should not keep a roving eye, but just realize that until you are married, plans can change.
Once married, unless adultery, the relationship is unalterable before God—whether you overlooked a flag or not. We have seen what seemed a counterfeit relationship; they married anyway. By the grace of God, though they have issues and troubles and may even wish they hadn’t married, they are committed to sticking it out and making it work—committed to making each other happy. We praise God for their loyalty to each other and to God.
It’s best to recognize that if it isn’t a solid green flag all the way, it’s a yellow by default. Yellow means slow down, use your brain, and proceed with caution.
Could one flag be all three colors?
As mentioned in the previous chapter, a “quick switch” or new dating relationship in less than six months from the last, may or may not be a yellow or red flag. It would be a red flag if one had been married, a yellow flag if he or she makes second “quick switch,” and green if all the right pieces come together in an honorable way. Be careful with this “quick switch” thing—it can go either way fast. We recommend following the dating time frame in this book to be sure of your colors.
Green flag
Once you have jumped through all the steps in this dating plan, this is your green flag: “Examine carefully to see if your married life would be happy or inharmonious and wretched. Let the questions be raised, Will this union help me heavenward? Will it increase my love for God? And will it enlarge my sphere of usefulness in this life? If these reflections present no drawback, then in the fear of God move forward” (FE 104, 105). I can’t say it any better.
In Summary . . .
Of course, it makes sense that in order to find the best spouse, one must be the best. Avoiding any red or yellow flags in your own life, as well as keeping your eyes open, will assure the best success.
We’ve already discussed that it’s easy to believe, when outside of the emotional moment and while analyzing behavior intellectually, that of course we wouldn’t marry someone who posted a red flag, but if that flag shows up either the day before or the day of the wedding, and our reputation and investment of time and money are on the line, few with a freshly broken heart are in the right state of mind to make the best decision.
Counseling books are full of stories where a spouse knew something wasn’t quite right just prior to the wedding but married anyway. Most figure that by then it’s too late, and “we’ll just work it out later” – wrong answer. One of the most difficult responsibilities in a relationship is saying “no” when our heart says “yes.” Confrontation isn’t on the forefront of coveted activities for most, and few go against the grain to do so even in the face of red flags.
So how does one follow up with a red flag, or a yellow turned red—in essence, how does one break up appropriately? The good news is that breaking up is a learned skill. How much do you know about it—really? Let’s find out . . . .