Caution: Up To Date is designed to be read in a linear fashion, as each chapter builds on principles established in the previous chapters. For your best relationship success, begin with the introduction and progress chapter by chapter.
Chapter Thirty-one
The First Kiss
“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth:
for thy love is better than wine”
(Song of Solomon 1:2).
“Soul meets soul on lovers' lips.”
One might think this a tough subject to agree upon, as there are so many differing opinions about initiating a physical relationship. After consulting with a few girls, it’s as easy as who, what, when, where, how, and yes . . . even why. By the way, Dan approves of this chapter, so we’ve got you guys covered ;-) Actually, you’ll see that we do have guy-input later in the chapter.
Of course, these concepts will be considered very old fashioned in our instantly gratifying sexually focused world today, but give it a chance. There are some very good, and biblical, rationales for being conservative.
Now, I suppose that more than one person has skipped right to this chapter before reading any of the rest of Up To Date, which probably isn’t the best idea, but let’s face it – this is one of the things to which we all look(ed) forward. So, let’s dive in.
Who – I hope this is a no-brainer for you ;-)
What . . .
“What” asks about appropriate physical affection before marriage? According to Christ in Matthew 5:28, it’s OK to do anything physical that does not involve lust (sexual arousal). Lust and sexual arousal are synonymous before marriage, but since lust can occur even in a marriage, being in love does not automatically negate lustful sin.
If your affection involves sexual arousal, one of two things needs to happen: 1) don’t do it, or 2) change your thought processes about it – it’s all about a few guidelines and your choice of focus. Some things can be enjoyed with a godly mindset, but other activities simply need left undone. Let’s review some options:
1) Taking his arm
2) Holding hands
3) Snuggling up next to each other/arm around
4) Hugging
5) Kissing
We’ll stop there because anything beyond this is sexually arousing, which as mentioned before isn’t part of God’s plan until marriage. If your goal is truly to honor God, the safest plan is to avoid anything in private that you aren’t comfortable doing in public – or in front of your parents. For most, that means anything your swim suit covers is off limits.
When
They had known each other for years, but Anne just wasn’t able to forgive him for that insult the first day of school. He hurt her feelings excruciatingly, and she hadn’t cared for him since. Try as he might, they just had no future together. Time passed, and he found himself interested in another girl at medical school. He proposed to his new love, and she accepted.
One day he became ill, very ill, and had to be quarantined at home while being treated by his family doctor. Anne, knowing that he may not survive, realized that she could lose him for good. She went to him not knowing what she’d find. In labored voice, Gil told her that he called off the wedding, expressing that there could never be anyone else for him but her. His love for her had never waned, and he’d remain single if she couldn’t find it in her heart to love him. About three scenes later, the writer finally let us off the hook when they kissed – and this relationship-initiation-kiss was quite belated for Hollywood.
In movies, most every relationship begins with a kiss. That’s how we know, and how the characters confirm, that the relationship has begun. Of course they have to do that for dynamics sake – and also because they are putting an entire courtship process into ninety minutes, but the world follows suit. Relationships begin with the physical and then try to progress to the intellectual, emotional, etc., but could we have it all backward?
So . . . we asked a few girls when they believed would be a good time for the first kiss. Since there are a lot of important things to accomplish before, most ladies agreed that it should be initiated in late courtship (meaning sometime before engagement) – not too early but definitely not too late. The latest should be at or around the time of proposal, which rules out at-the-altar—as a general rule anyway. More about all this later.
So that seems reasonable, I guess, but you might be curious about timing for all the rest of the list, which brings us to pacing affection. There are a few things one needs to understand about pacing a physical relationship, and I explain them in the why-section below, but first, let’s consider timing for numbers one to four in our above list.
1) Taking his arm – I think it’s charming and a great place to start anytime you are in a formal
relationship, like mentioned in the chapter on chivalry. It doesn’t have to be done in a formal way. It can just be a “here, hang on” kind of way. This is an initiation in the least forward manner. People, in certain circumstances, will even offer an arm to a perfect stranger, so it is an appropriate beginning.
2) Holding hands – This should start about the time you have been dating a full year when moving
forward in the relationship. Many will consider this delay frivolous, so six months after dating is doable, but wait no longer than one year to begin holding hands (like we have to tell anyone that ;-)
3) Snuggling up next to each other / arm around – Cuddling up on the couch is fun, but should not begin sooner than one year of dating. Please note that it says “next” to each other, not under, above, or around . . . . Lap-sitting tends to create sexual arousal in at least one individual, which drops it into the Matthew 5:28 category.
4) Hugging – This is an extremely important part of a relationship. It’s often the part that makes a girl
feel loved and secure, which means if you aren’t yet ready to commit to “love” and “security” hugging is best left out of the equation. Perhaps it should only be entered upon on certain occasions and done in a more supportive than romantic way. In this way a hug could be done as early as holding hands. Because a hug can create a lot of temptation, random hugs for the sake of affection are best kept to one’s anatomical side rather than a front or back embrace and are better left until about eighteen months in the dating process. Where it is an important means of affection, it makes more of an impact on guys than a girl can know. It’s really better to save it for engagement and keep it minimal.
5) All these things progress slowly and in that order to the first kiss. Ah…sweet bliss. That’s it—that’s
where it ends. Well, at least until you say, “I do.” Then that’s a whole other story.
Back to who again
That is, whose role is it to initiate these various affections? Let’s pull up our list one more time.
1) Taking his arm – Since even a stranger can take an arm, it probably doesn’t matter who initiates this casual “hang”
2) Holding hands – Traditionally it’s the guy’s role to initiate. This allows him to lead the relationship, the privilege of which is very important to his self-respect and ego.
3) Snuggling next to each other / arm around – doesn’t matter who initiates, just don’t rush it and keep it side to side.
4) Hugging – Supportive hugs can, of course, be initiated by either, but affectionate hugs might be left for the guy to initiate.
Essentially, nothing is really written in stone, but it’s always respectful to let a guy lead the way.
Where -- At the altar?
You might ask about the evermore popular notion that the first kiss should be at the altar. “Insane” is a strong word, but it is fairly descriptive of this idea. Keep in mind that it’s easy to go to extremes in order to keep people from progressing beyond what they should, but extremes are, well . . . extreme. It’s like telling a child to stay out of the kitchen rather than stay out of the cookie jar, which does more harm than good. Kids still needs to eat but maybe just not the cookies. Practicing self-control should be a routine right-of-passage for this mind and body God made for us. Since you still have to practice self-control after you are married, now is a good time to discover new skills, do it right, deal with it, and to stay within God’s boundaries . . . but waiting until at His altar might create some problems as we’ll discuss later.
However, there is one situation in which postponing the kiss until your wedding day might be appropriate. One couple shared this same ideal because they both recently came out of a worldly life, both had physical pasts, and they realized that affection before the wedding day could easily set them up for failure. That’s astute thinking and a precious gift to their God in these days of virtually minimal sexual inhibition.
Having a desire to start anew in Christ with a pure heart for each other, they postponed their first kiss, a mutually agreed upon sacrifice. Their first kiss was at the altar, but the second . . . well, as the groom so aptly put it when pressured by their guests, “You saw our first kiss . . . you aren’t going to see our second.” Love is so cool!
The “where” discussed here so far is really another form of when, so I’m sure you’re wondering about the literally-where. Where should the first kiss should take place? It doesn’t matter—makes no difference. It’s probably better, once the appropriate timing is fulfilled, to be spontaneous rather than spend hours and hours planning to execute the maneuver. Two things could result with too much thought: 1) a lot of mental temptation will often turn into lustful sin, and/or 2) you might build it up to be much more pleasurable than it turns out, ending in disappointment. It can happen. Keeping the first kiss “light,” brief, and casual may offer the more pleasurable first experience. With that in mind, you can likely see that it really doesn’t matter where ;-)
How
Some guys may wonder how to initiate that first kiss. Again, the first and most important thing to remember is that this is referencing the “first kiss,” not a make-out-session. So, if you’ve accomplished all the appropriate dating goals, and you are pretty sure that you are going to marry her, and the timing is right in the dating process so that you will be proposing soon, then you can finally tell her that you love her and then just kiss her. It doesn’t have to be complicated, really. As long as it’s done virtuously, I don’t know that we women care how you approach that first kiss, as long as you do :-)
Pacing
Now you still have, at very least, four to six months before marrying even if you propose right away, so it’s best to keep the kissing casual and avoid the sensual. Though backing up can be done, it’s way easier to just not go there in the first place. You will have plenty of time to make up for it later, and marriage will be much more rewarding without the overhanging guilt of indiscretion. Enjoy each other . . . with moderation.
And finally, why???
Of course we know why we want to kiss. The key is, we have to ask ourselves if it's from a pure or selfish motive.
We’ve talked a lot about postponing the first kiss instead of initiating the relationship with one, so following are several reasons why we recommend this plan.
Postponing the kiss until spiritual, intellectual, and emotional intimacy has developed keeps the physical draw from blocking the growth of the others, and the relationship remains right side up. Once the relationship is up-side-down or backwards, and the physical aspect becomes paramount, recouping the intellectual, spiritual, and emotional intimacy is a challenge that may take many, many years to overcome with a lot of barriers in the process. If marriage happens before those key elements are developed, disaster may be inevitable when the “honeymoon” or physical excitement wears off, because there is no foundation in each of those other areas – the ones that keep you together. Your relationship will be upside down. Each different level of intimacy, including the physical, needs to be nurtured one after the other in the right order to promote an emotionally stable marriage.
One also needs to see and know his or her virtues over an extended period of time (that year of dating) before opening up too much emotionally. You then need to start talking emotionally about a lot of different things and learning to communicate well before sharing your past physical history. You need to clear the air on your past before the intimacy of a kiss. That’s a lot to do, and it’s best not done too quickly.
Following are several reasons why we recommend not postponing the kiss too long . . .
If a spiritual, intellectual, and emotional relationship needs time to grow and mature together, the physical relationship also needs time to grow and mature.
From a man’s point of view, and that of his hormones, it has been suggested (by a guy) that it could be easier in some ways to put-off the first kiss until he was able to express his love fully very soon thereafter, meaning kiss at the altar. It’s all about decreasing temptations.
From the ladies’ point of view, the first kiss at the altar with the honeymoon night to follow would be just a little scary. How a guy treats her physically will impact her decisions about him. This must be demonstrated rather than discussed. When kissing her, will he be gentle or a mad man? Will he be pushy, shy, or completely indifferent? Some lose respect for the other after the physical begins (see 2 Samuel, chapter 13), which isn’t all that uncommon and not gender specific. This would be an unfortunate revelation on the wedding night.
Starting and maintaining an appropriate physical relationship earlier than the wedding day might make it tough on the guy, but either way there is a risk. Out of love and respect for her, a guy should not only treat her carefully, but also not leave her guessing what that means.
A healthy physical relationship matures at a little slower pace to accommodate her needs, but it’s a good opportunity for both to affirm self-control, which is also needed after marrying.
These are reasons enough to pace a physical relationship appropriately over time, and the whole process is healthier if they are comfortable in each other’s arms before being in each other’s bed.
Temptation
Remember that sin isn’t in the temptation itself, but how the temptation is handled. It is all about brain over brawn and a huge dependence upon God. He gives you nothing you can’t handle. Frankly, if a person is not tempted prior to marriage, they better reconsider, but of course, to intentionally put yourself in the way of temptation makes you all the more accountable for your actions. Affection provides a certain sense of security that every man and woman needs. Do not neglect it, but rather enjoy what God has sanctioned by pacing it with temperance. If you run into difficulty, don’t be a hero. As mentioned, we’ve provided resources in the upcoming chapter for use at just such a time.
Keeping it in control
The next chapter is about how to keep yourself, and each other, in control. It isn’t all about . . . the guy can’t control his hormones, so it’s up to the girl to make sure nothing happens. In fact, that sexist idea is rather archaic, but not archaic enough. When we go retro far enough, we see that the man, being in the priestly role, is responsible to act like a priest at all times no matter the temptation. Still too sexist? No worries . . .
This control is the most challenging aspect of dating for every couple, and it’s a team effort, of course. But what does team effort mean? And is there really any hope, any possibility that a couple can actually refrain from anything beyond a kiss until the wedding night?
Maybe you can tell me . . . after you read the next chapter, that is ;-)
The First Kiss
“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth:
for thy love is better than wine”
(Song of Solomon 1:2).
“Soul meets soul on lovers' lips.”
One might think this a tough subject to agree upon, as there are so many differing opinions about initiating a physical relationship. After consulting with a few girls, it’s as easy as who, what, when, where, how, and yes . . . even why. By the way, Dan approves of this chapter, so we’ve got you guys covered ;-) Actually, you’ll see that we do have guy-input later in the chapter.
Of course, these concepts will be considered very old fashioned in our instantly gratifying sexually focused world today, but give it a chance. There are some very good, and biblical, rationales for being conservative.
Now, I suppose that more than one person has skipped right to this chapter before reading any of the rest of Up To Date, which probably isn’t the best idea, but let’s face it – this is one of the things to which we all look(ed) forward. So, let’s dive in.
Who – I hope this is a no-brainer for you ;-)
What . . .
“What” asks about appropriate physical affection before marriage? According to Christ in Matthew 5:28, it’s OK to do anything physical that does not involve lust (sexual arousal). Lust and sexual arousal are synonymous before marriage, but since lust can occur even in a marriage, being in love does not automatically negate lustful sin.
If your affection involves sexual arousal, one of two things needs to happen: 1) don’t do it, or 2) change your thought processes about it – it’s all about a few guidelines and your choice of focus. Some things can be enjoyed with a godly mindset, but other activities simply need left undone. Let’s review some options:
1) Taking his arm
2) Holding hands
3) Snuggling up next to each other/arm around
4) Hugging
5) Kissing
We’ll stop there because anything beyond this is sexually arousing, which as mentioned before isn’t part of God’s plan until marriage. If your goal is truly to honor God, the safest plan is to avoid anything in private that you aren’t comfortable doing in public – or in front of your parents. For most, that means anything your swim suit covers is off limits.
When
They had known each other for years, but Anne just wasn’t able to forgive him for that insult the first day of school. He hurt her feelings excruciatingly, and she hadn’t cared for him since. Try as he might, they just had no future together. Time passed, and he found himself interested in another girl at medical school. He proposed to his new love, and she accepted.
One day he became ill, very ill, and had to be quarantined at home while being treated by his family doctor. Anne, knowing that he may not survive, realized that she could lose him for good. She went to him not knowing what she’d find. In labored voice, Gil told her that he called off the wedding, expressing that there could never be anyone else for him but her. His love for her had never waned, and he’d remain single if she couldn’t find it in her heart to love him. About three scenes later, the writer finally let us off the hook when they kissed – and this relationship-initiation-kiss was quite belated for Hollywood.
In movies, most every relationship begins with a kiss. That’s how we know, and how the characters confirm, that the relationship has begun. Of course they have to do that for dynamics sake – and also because they are putting an entire courtship process into ninety minutes, but the world follows suit. Relationships begin with the physical and then try to progress to the intellectual, emotional, etc., but could we have it all backward?
So . . . we asked a few girls when they believed would be a good time for the first kiss. Since there are a lot of important things to accomplish before, most ladies agreed that it should be initiated in late courtship (meaning sometime before engagement) – not too early but definitely not too late. The latest should be at or around the time of proposal, which rules out at-the-altar—as a general rule anyway. More about all this later.
So that seems reasonable, I guess, but you might be curious about timing for all the rest of the list, which brings us to pacing affection. There are a few things one needs to understand about pacing a physical relationship, and I explain them in the why-section below, but first, let’s consider timing for numbers one to four in our above list.
1) Taking his arm – I think it’s charming and a great place to start anytime you are in a formal
relationship, like mentioned in the chapter on chivalry. It doesn’t have to be done in a formal way. It can just be a “here, hang on” kind of way. This is an initiation in the least forward manner. People, in certain circumstances, will even offer an arm to a perfect stranger, so it is an appropriate beginning.
2) Holding hands – This should start about the time you have been dating a full year when moving
forward in the relationship. Many will consider this delay frivolous, so six months after dating is doable, but wait no longer than one year to begin holding hands (like we have to tell anyone that ;-)
3) Snuggling up next to each other / arm around – Cuddling up on the couch is fun, but should not begin sooner than one year of dating. Please note that it says “next” to each other, not under, above, or around . . . . Lap-sitting tends to create sexual arousal in at least one individual, which drops it into the Matthew 5:28 category.
4) Hugging – This is an extremely important part of a relationship. It’s often the part that makes a girl
feel loved and secure, which means if you aren’t yet ready to commit to “love” and “security” hugging is best left out of the equation. Perhaps it should only be entered upon on certain occasions and done in a more supportive than romantic way. In this way a hug could be done as early as holding hands. Because a hug can create a lot of temptation, random hugs for the sake of affection are best kept to one’s anatomical side rather than a front or back embrace and are better left until about eighteen months in the dating process. Where it is an important means of affection, it makes more of an impact on guys than a girl can know. It’s really better to save it for engagement and keep it minimal.
5) All these things progress slowly and in that order to the first kiss. Ah…sweet bliss. That’s it—that’s
where it ends. Well, at least until you say, “I do.” Then that’s a whole other story.
Back to who again
That is, whose role is it to initiate these various affections? Let’s pull up our list one more time.
1) Taking his arm – Since even a stranger can take an arm, it probably doesn’t matter who initiates this casual “hang”
2) Holding hands – Traditionally it’s the guy’s role to initiate. This allows him to lead the relationship, the privilege of which is very important to his self-respect and ego.
3) Snuggling next to each other / arm around – doesn’t matter who initiates, just don’t rush it and keep it side to side.
4) Hugging – Supportive hugs can, of course, be initiated by either, but affectionate hugs might be left for the guy to initiate.
Essentially, nothing is really written in stone, but it’s always respectful to let a guy lead the way.
Where -- At the altar?
You might ask about the evermore popular notion that the first kiss should be at the altar. “Insane” is a strong word, but it is fairly descriptive of this idea. Keep in mind that it’s easy to go to extremes in order to keep people from progressing beyond what they should, but extremes are, well . . . extreme. It’s like telling a child to stay out of the kitchen rather than stay out of the cookie jar, which does more harm than good. Kids still needs to eat but maybe just not the cookies. Practicing self-control should be a routine right-of-passage for this mind and body God made for us. Since you still have to practice self-control after you are married, now is a good time to discover new skills, do it right, deal with it, and to stay within God’s boundaries . . . but waiting until at His altar might create some problems as we’ll discuss later.
However, there is one situation in which postponing the kiss until your wedding day might be appropriate. One couple shared this same ideal because they both recently came out of a worldly life, both had physical pasts, and they realized that affection before the wedding day could easily set them up for failure. That’s astute thinking and a precious gift to their God in these days of virtually minimal sexual inhibition.
Having a desire to start anew in Christ with a pure heart for each other, they postponed their first kiss, a mutually agreed upon sacrifice. Their first kiss was at the altar, but the second . . . well, as the groom so aptly put it when pressured by their guests, “You saw our first kiss . . . you aren’t going to see our second.” Love is so cool!
The “where” discussed here so far is really another form of when, so I’m sure you’re wondering about the literally-where. Where should the first kiss should take place? It doesn’t matter—makes no difference. It’s probably better, once the appropriate timing is fulfilled, to be spontaneous rather than spend hours and hours planning to execute the maneuver. Two things could result with too much thought: 1) a lot of mental temptation will often turn into lustful sin, and/or 2) you might build it up to be much more pleasurable than it turns out, ending in disappointment. It can happen. Keeping the first kiss “light,” brief, and casual may offer the more pleasurable first experience. With that in mind, you can likely see that it really doesn’t matter where ;-)
How
Some guys may wonder how to initiate that first kiss. Again, the first and most important thing to remember is that this is referencing the “first kiss,” not a make-out-session. So, if you’ve accomplished all the appropriate dating goals, and you are pretty sure that you are going to marry her, and the timing is right in the dating process so that you will be proposing soon, then you can finally tell her that you love her and then just kiss her. It doesn’t have to be complicated, really. As long as it’s done virtuously, I don’t know that we women care how you approach that first kiss, as long as you do :-)
Pacing
Now you still have, at very least, four to six months before marrying even if you propose right away, so it’s best to keep the kissing casual and avoid the sensual. Though backing up can be done, it’s way easier to just not go there in the first place. You will have plenty of time to make up for it later, and marriage will be much more rewarding without the overhanging guilt of indiscretion. Enjoy each other . . . with moderation.
And finally, why???
Of course we know why we want to kiss. The key is, we have to ask ourselves if it's from a pure or selfish motive.
We’ve talked a lot about postponing the first kiss instead of initiating the relationship with one, so following are several reasons why we recommend this plan.
Postponing the kiss until spiritual, intellectual, and emotional intimacy has developed keeps the physical draw from blocking the growth of the others, and the relationship remains right side up. Once the relationship is up-side-down or backwards, and the physical aspect becomes paramount, recouping the intellectual, spiritual, and emotional intimacy is a challenge that may take many, many years to overcome with a lot of barriers in the process. If marriage happens before those key elements are developed, disaster may be inevitable when the “honeymoon” or physical excitement wears off, because there is no foundation in each of those other areas – the ones that keep you together. Your relationship will be upside down. Each different level of intimacy, including the physical, needs to be nurtured one after the other in the right order to promote an emotionally stable marriage.
One also needs to see and know his or her virtues over an extended period of time (that year of dating) before opening up too much emotionally. You then need to start talking emotionally about a lot of different things and learning to communicate well before sharing your past physical history. You need to clear the air on your past before the intimacy of a kiss. That’s a lot to do, and it’s best not done too quickly.
Following are several reasons why we recommend not postponing the kiss too long . . .
If a spiritual, intellectual, and emotional relationship needs time to grow and mature together, the physical relationship also needs time to grow and mature.
From a man’s point of view, and that of his hormones, it has been suggested (by a guy) that it could be easier in some ways to put-off the first kiss until he was able to express his love fully very soon thereafter, meaning kiss at the altar. It’s all about decreasing temptations.
From the ladies’ point of view, the first kiss at the altar with the honeymoon night to follow would be just a little scary. How a guy treats her physically will impact her decisions about him. This must be demonstrated rather than discussed. When kissing her, will he be gentle or a mad man? Will he be pushy, shy, or completely indifferent? Some lose respect for the other after the physical begins (see 2 Samuel, chapter 13), which isn’t all that uncommon and not gender specific. This would be an unfortunate revelation on the wedding night.
Starting and maintaining an appropriate physical relationship earlier than the wedding day might make it tough on the guy, but either way there is a risk. Out of love and respect for her, a guy should not only treat her carefully, but also not leave her guessing what that means.
A healthy physical relationship matures at a little slower pace to accommodate her needs, but it’s a good opportunity for both to affirm self-control, which is also needed after marrying.
These are reasons enough to pace a physical relationship appropriately over time, and the whole process is healthier if they are comfortable in each other’s arms before being in each other’s bed.
Temptation
Remember that sin isn’t in the temptation itself, but how the temptation is handled. It is all about brain over brawn and a huge dependence upon God. He gives you nothing you can’t handle. Frankly, if a person is not tempted prior to marriage, they better reconsider, but of course, to intentionally put yourself in the way of temptation makes you all the more accountable for your actions. Affection provides a certain sense of security that every man and woman needs. Do not neglect it, but rather enjoy what God has sanctioned by pacing it with temperance. If you run into difficulty, don’t be a hero. As mentioned, we’ve provided resources in the upcoming chapter for use at just such a time.
Keeping it in control
The next chapter is about how to keep yourself, and each other, in control. It isn’t all about . . . the guy can’t control his hormones, so it’s up to the girl to make sure nothing happens. In fact, that sexist idea is rather archaic, but not archaic enough. When we go retro far enough, we see that the man, being in the priestly role, is responsible to act like a priest at all times no matter the temptation. Still too sexist? No worries . . .
This control is the most challenging aspect of dating for every couple, and it’s a team effort, of course. But what does team effort mean? And is there really any hope, any possibility that a couple can actually refrain from anything beyond a kiss until the wedding night?
Maybe you can tell me . . . after you read the next chapter, that is ;-)
