Caution: Up To Date is designed to be read in a linear fashion, as each chapter builds on principles established in the previous chapters. For your best relationship success, begin with the introduction and progress chapter by chapter.
Chapter Ninteen
It’s Official
“Then shalt thou understand the fear of the LORD, and find the knowledge of God” (Proverbs 2:5).
“Half of our mistakes in life arise from feeling where we ought to think, and thinking where we ought to feel.”
She had all the perfect characteristics he wanted, and their interests were so similar. They had been friends for years, and now they wanted to date, he asked and she agreed; it was all set – until the next morning, that is.
Ben woke up thinking about Abby, a great way to begin such a beautiful spring day, which was all the more glorious as thoughts of Abby lightened his steps. On his way to meet up with her, he greeted Susan who looked radiant in the morning sun as she studied in the midst of the central campus flower garden. Dawn smiled her usual morning greeting as he passed her reception desk in the main lobby, and June waved at him from the end of the hall. She was always happy to see him, and he chuckled at her enthusiastic greeting as they really hadn’t had much chance to get acquainted. All of a sudden he felt a sinking feeling. He suddenly realized that he was committed to one girl.
“Maybe I was premature in committing to Abby?” A guy is much more likely than a girl to experience commitment as a negative, but no matter which gender, it’s not uncommon for the relationship to end here and now. As with everything else, the key to surviving this stage of courtship, and it is a stage, is being prepared for the emotional “surprises” within each other—and acting instead of reacting.
Feelings!
Though it is often misdiagnosed, adjusting to commitment affects many couples at this stage. The girls may worry the relationship will fail, and guys often feel restless, however neither gender’s feelings will identify the real issue – or the cure. When you have a cold, the symptoms are sore throat and stuffy nose – our usual focus, the cause is the virus – never actually visualized, but the cure is – time. No matter how you feel now, no matter how many questions you answer or material you cover between the two of you, the cure is dependent a proper diagnosis, sorting out those mixed up feelings (the symptoms), and working, not between guy and girl, but between you and God until you are ready to proceed. Commitment issues are indeed as common as the common cold. You can fight it, pitch it, or roll with it, but the first step to resolution is acceptance.
Girls Feelings . . .
A girl’s most common feelings after beginning a new relationship are those of excitement, nervousness, vulnerability, shyness, restlessness, and unsure – all when least expected. You wonder what to do, what to say, how to act? And of course every call or knock on the door gets the butterflies going. It seems impossible to live a normal life now. The most common tendency at this stage is to show him a lot of attention, living every moment in anticipation of his call or visit. With your devoted affection, it’s tempting to be over-zealous, smothering him with good intentions, but putting him at the top of your priority list right now may cause him to respond just the opposite.
Because girls are so doting, it’s anxiety producing if he doesn’t seek you out every chance he gets. If you know anything of how guys become restlessness at this time, your feelings may not be unreasonable. Should he seem aloof the first few weeks, be respectful of his time and space while he works out any surprising feelings he might be experiencing. Focus on happy thoughts, avoiding pressure, relationship talks, inquiring, urging, or insisting on communication, any extra attention, or spoiling him. He is reading this book and knows what to do with his feelings, so help him by just being you. Subtly woo him with your innocent charm (see the chapter on wooing). If he goes the other way, maybe God didn’t plan this for you. If God didn’t plan it, you don’t want it – no worries.
Guys Feelings . . .
What often presents itself as doubt and restlessness, as mentioned, is really fear of commitment. It doesn’t feel like fear. It may feel like foreboding, sudden disinterest in her, or anything but fear. You may find yourself asking, “Am I ready for this? Do I really like her enough? What if she isn’t the one? What if June is the one, but I committed to Abby before getting to know June? Am I wasting my time?”
You have always had the luxury to choose any girl. She could refuse, but . . . you could still ask any girl. Now you feel that your freedom to choose has just ended, so if “Abby” is the wrong one, you are in big trouble. Giving up your freedom is one thing. Giving it up for the wrong person is quite another. However, the fear that she might be the one is even more terrifying.
The truth is, you still have time to decide about “Abby,” and of course, your freedom to choose has not ended, but you aren’t feeling that freedom just now. You shouldn’t feel free; you are in an exclusive dating relationship. When this feeling, this fear, overwhelms you, recognize that this is a normal thought process, a rite of passage, part of becoming a man. Rather, if you don’t feel it, you are the rare one. Though it is normal, it is not something you can work through in advance. You can be prepared, but you can’t work through it until you’re in a relationship that could lead into marriage, thereby initiating the feelings in question.
Here is a direct quote from Ben: “I am just very unsure. I have been pleading for some kind of evidence or confirmation from God about the relationship, but I haven't really seen it. Or maybe I missed God’s way of confirming, so now I fear I have been blind to His leading. These feelings must be God finally starting to make His will known.”
Let’s analyze this thought process. He took his time, used his brain, followed this plan, prayed about it the entire time, added up all the intellectual information about Abby, and he liked her. He had no doubts – until he made a verbal commitment. Then, all of the sudden (at exactly the same time every other guy has the same feelings) he decides this must be wrong, that God doesn’t condone the relationship. The problem with Ben’s thought process is that she hasn’t changed from when God seemed to approve during the intellectual process. These feelings are not God’s evidence of disapproval. He is not telling you anything different now, except that it’s time to analyze, and resolve, your fear.
Caution
God will lead and guide when asked, but His leading is through opening and closing doors, opening your eyes to her characteristics, and exposing facts about her through the dating process (if you choose to listen). He doesn’t shoot a big flaming arrow that speaks in a loud, thunderous voice declaring, “This is she whom I have made for you.” That just doesn’t happen. God doesn’t lead you by suddenly initiating a feeling either, especially one that most every guy feels at the exact same time in the process. The restless feeling is simply psychological and not God’s thunderous voice. As confusing as the feelings are, it is neither appropriate nor fair, to use God’s name in justifying a fight or flight “reaction” to fear. With much prayer, God will guide you to act (think) instead of react (feel).
Resolution options
Since you will have to resolve these feelings at some point in your life if you will ever successfully marry, this fear is best sorted out between you and God without anyone else’s influence. If the intellectual prep was done right, it’s now appropriate to make this decision based totally on how you feel about her. Try the following exercise. Avoiding any discussion with her about the topic, sit back and take a look at her—literally. She must be in view during this evaluation. Do you like what you see – the whole mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical package? Do you enjoy being around her? Would you miss her if she weren’t around? Does she give you the oogly-googlies? You’ve already analyzed the intellectual data, and you like her, or you wouldn’t be dating her, so the real question is: do you think she might be worth getting beyond these feelings, or does hanging onto the fear seem more comfortable. The choice is yours and you have to make it—either with this one, or the next, or the next . . . until you and God, together, finally conquer.
Option One: “What if I don’t like her as much as I thought?”
If you feel she isn’t worth the effort, or your eyes keep wondering, cut your losses and break up, being sure to follow the rules for breaking up in a forthcoming chapter. Once you make this decision, it’s in your best interest to take another week to think it over— but no more. Proceed cautiously when cutting losses you may later regret.
Option Two: “What if I just can’t decide?”
It’s OK to take a couple weeks to think about it, but no more. Whatever you do, or however you feel, treat her carefully during this time—with courtesy, respect, and consistency. A girl will pick up on the most subtle changes in your treatment of her (remember the relationship is unproven, so her perception is sensitively acute) and if noticed, she will subconsciously change her treatment of you skewing the entire equation. If you have talked to her three times a week, continue the same communication, quality and quantity, until you do decide.
I caution you to be sure of your decision before taking action. We advise that any girl or guy allow one break-up, consider a second try in some limited circumstances, but we feel that a third try should not be an option. As difficult as it is to work through these uninvited emotions, vacillating would be insensitive, and would not recommend your character to her or any other girl.
Option Three: “She is totally worth the effort!”
If you really like her, just run with it—run with the relationship, I mean. The fear may pop up again here and there, but denial toward fear, in the presence of good decision-making, is the perfect coping skill. Balanced godly dating, healthy fun, and enjoying each other are perfect tools to distract from those fears. You have plenty of time to avoid any permanent mistakes.
More feelings . . .
Another feeling that cannot be ignored in a new relationship is the natural increase in sex drive. This does not indicate a perverse nature. The difference between a perverse nature and a godly man or woman is that an increased sex drive in a godly man or woman does not prompt gratification. Character, identity, is determined by who you are when no one is looking. Though we live in a sexually promiscuous society, your identity will be determined before God and your spouse by what you do with those extra hormones. Success in your marriage will, to a great degree, be determined by whether you act godly, or react.
Since even marriage does not offer unlimited and unbridled sex whenever and wherever (that may be shocking, but true), think of these daily challenges as learning opportunities, self-control being a characteristic much easier learned before damaging patterns are established. In developing a battle plan, we first look at human psychology. Every brain follows established electrical pathways, which we create and then call habits. I once heard those pathways compared to trails in a wheat field. The more the path is travelled, the less thought it takes to stay on the path. Remember that temptation itself is not sin. The sin is in how we respond to Satan’s suggestions, which are appealing, of course, or they wouldn’t be tempting. Once you get into a routine of immediately dismissing the sexual feelings with each hormonal increase, the easier it will become. I didn’t say it will be easy. I am saying it will be easier. God doesn’t give any of us more than we can handle, and He doesn’t say temptation will be easy to handle, but resisting can become much easier over time if we block certain electrical patterns or pathways in our brains. In essence, by early habits we pronounce our own sentence on how difficult, or not, will be our self-control.
Where understanding human psychology can help us understand our path to overcoming, it neither gives us the desire or the strength to deny ourselves pleasure now. The first defense against ungodly fulfillment is a strong will against godlessness and for godliness, which must come from the heart and be coupled by a desire to honor God with an active, abiding, and moment-by-moment relationship with Jesus. Prayer, distraction, increased exercise, and a determined avoidance of daydreaming are also important strategies. We are in a cosmic battle against the most powerful being in the universe secondary to God and His servants – the Latter being our only strength. Though sexual promiscuity in every form is acceptable in today’s society, purity is possible only when we prepare for battle and put God’s pleasure ahead of our own.
It is so easy to say that this temptation can be conquered. I won’t patronize you by quoting promises and guarantees of success –even if it can be biblically supported. The truth is, the spirit may be willing, “but the flesh is weak.” Though forgiveness is real, the emotional consequences, be it to yourself or another, cannot be undone, so begin practicing extra self-control and godly habits now before the increase hits. Claim God’s promise in I Corinthians 10:13 and make a predetermined decision to honor God while in your date’s presence and in private. Though it requires a denial of pleasure now, you will be much happier in marriage and enjoy a greater reward of salvation. Hang in there. If becoming a man or woman, a good man or woman, were easy—anyone could do it.
Summary . . .
Sadly, Ben and Abby felt that because they had known each other for some time, they should resolve their anxiety with an intense campaign probing into whether the other was the right one without first strengthening their bond by dating or allowing time to adjust to the commitment. Though they were a perfect match in many ways, their dating relationship was not well enough established to withstand the pressure, and they broke up.
And as far as sorting out all these feelings, I wish there was something I could say to decrease your anxiety, because it can be a most uncomfortable experience. Keep in mind that this adjustment period shouldn't last long. It’s just part of the process for many couples, the initial catalyst that prepares us to resolve future unexpected emotions that will surface throughout the relationship.
Speaking of the future, for those of you who were prepared, having adjusted well to commitment, an announcement of some kind is a courteous gesture toward your friends and family. Some announce their news by changing their status on Facebook, others will have a party, and some will let all their relatives spread the word—you know “those moms!” Each couple, and each person, will have different ideas, and once you agree on when, where, and how, the one thing you can count on is that everyone will be excited for you. Everyone that is, except . . . .
It’s Official
“Then shalt thou understand the fear of the LORD, and find the knowledge of God” (Proverbs 2:5).
“Half of our mistakes in life arise from feeling where we ought to think, and thinking where we ought to feel.”
She had all the perfect characteristics he wanted, and their interests were so similar. They had been friends for years, and now they wanted to date, he asked and she agreed; it was all set – until the next morning, that is.
Ben woke up thinking about Abby, a great way to begin such a beautiful spring day, which was all the more glorious as thoughts of Abby lightened his steps. On his way to meet up with her, he greeted Susan who looked radiant in the morning sun as she studied in the midst of the central campus flower garden. Dawn smiled her usual morning greeting as he passed her reception desk in the main lobby, and June waved at him from the end of the hall. She was always happy to see him, and he chuckled at her enthusiastic greeting as they really hadn’t had much chance to get acquainted. All of a sudden he felt a sinking feeling. He suddenly realized that he was committed to one girl.
“Maybe I was premature in committing to Abby?” A guy is much more likely than a girl to experience commitment as a negative, but no matter which gender, it’s not uncommon for the relationship to end here and now. As with everything else, the key to surviving this stage of courtship, and it is a stage, is being prepared for the emotional “surprises” within each other—and acting instead of reacting.
Feelings!
Though it is often misdiagnosed, adjusting to commitment affects many couples at this stage. The girls may worry the relationship will fail, and guys often feel restless, however neither gender’s feelings will identify the real issue – or the cure. When you have a cold, the symptoms are sore throat and stuffy nose – our usual focus, the cause is the virus – never actually visualized, but the cure is – time. No matter how you feel now, no matter how many questions you answer or material you cover between the two of you, the cure is dependent a proper diagnosis, sorting out those mixed up feelings (the symptoms), and working, not between guy and girl, but between you and God until you are ready to proceed. Commitment issues are indeed as common as the common cold. You can fight it, pitch it, or roll with it, but the first step to resolution is acceptance.
Girls Feelings . . .
A girl’s most common feelings after beginning a new relationship are those of excitement, nervousness, vulnerability, shyness, restlessness, and unsure – all when least expected. You wonder what to do, what to say, how to act? And of course every call or knock on the door gets the butterflies going. It seems impossible to live a normal life now. The most common tendency at this stage is to show him a lot of attention, living every moment in anticipation of his call or visit. With your devoted affection, it’s tempting to be over-zealous, smothering him with good intentions, but putting him at the top of your priority list right now may cause him to respond just the opposite.
Because girls are so doting, it’s anxiety producing if he doesn’t seek you out every chance he gets. If you know anything of how guys become restlessness at this time, your feelings may not be unreasonable. Should he seem aloof the first few weeks, be respectful of his time and space while he works out any surprising feelings he might be experiencing. Focus on happy thoughts, avoiding pressure, relationship talks, inquiring, urging, or insisting on communication, any extra attention, or spoiling him. He is reading this book and knows what to do with his feelings, so help him by just being you. Subtly woo him with your innocent charm (see the chapter on wooing). If he goes the other way, maybe God didn’t plan this for you. If God didn’t plan it, you don’t want it – no worries.
Guys Feelings . . .
What often presents itself as doubt and restlessness, as mentioned, is really fear of commitment. It doesn’t feel like fear. It may feel like foreboding, sudden disinterest in her, or anything but fear. You may find yourself asking, “Am I ready for this? Do I really like her enough? What if she isn’t the one? What if June is the one, but I committed to Abby before getting to know June? Am I wasting my time?”
You have always had the luxury to choose any girl. She could refuse, but . . . you could still ask any girl. Now you feel that your freedom to choose has just ended, so if “Abby” is the wrong one, you are in big trouble. Giving up your freedom is one thing. Giving it up for the wrong person is quite another. However, the fear that she might be the one is even more terrifying.
The truth is, you still have time to decide about “Abby,” and of course, your freedom to choose has not ended, but you aren’t feeling that freedom just now. You shouldn’t feel free; you are in an exclusive dating relationship. When this feeling, this fear, overwhelms you, recognize that this is a normal thought process, a rite of passage, part of becoming a man. Rather, if you don’t feel it, you are the rare one. Though it is normal, it is not something you can work through in advance. You can be prepared, but you can’t work through it until you’re in a relationship that could lead into marriage, thereby initiating the feelings in question.
Here is a direct quote from Ben: “I am just very unsure. I have been pleading for some kind of evidence or confirmation from God about the relationship, but I haven't really seen it. Or maybe I missed God’s way of confirming, so now I fear I have been blind to His leading. These feelings must be God finally starting to make His will known.”
Let’s analyze this thought process. He took his time, used his brain, followed this plan, prayed about it the entire time, added up all the intellectual information about Abby, and he liked her. He had no doubts – until he made a verbal commitment. Then, all of the sudden (at exactly the same time every other guy has the same feelings) he decides this must be wrong, that God doesn’t condone the relationship. The problem with Ben’s thought process is that she hasn’t changed from when God seemed to approve during the intellectual process. These feelings are not God’s evidence of disapproval. He is not telling you anything different now, except that it’s time to analyze, and resolve, your fear.
Caution
God will lead and guide when asked, but His leading is through opening and closing doors, opening your eyes to her characteristics, and exposing facts about her through the dating process (if you choose to listen). He doesn’t shoot a big flaming arrow that speaks in a loud, thunderous voice declaring, “This is she whom I have made for you.” That just doesn’t happen. God doesn’t lead you by suddenly initiating a feeling either, especially one that most every guy feels at the exact same time in the process. The restless feeling is simply psychological and not God’s thunderous voice. As confusing as the feelings are, it is neither appropriate nor fair, to use God’s name in justifying a fight or flight “reaction” to fear. With much prayer, God will guide you to act (think) instead of react (feel).
Resolution options
Since you will have to resolve these feelings at some point in your life if you will ever successfully marry, this fear is best sorted out between you and God without anyone else’s influence. If the intellectual prep was done right, it’s now appropriate to make this decision based totally on how you feel about her. Try the following exercise. Avoiding any discussion with her about the topic, sit back and take a look at her—literally. She must be in view during this evaluation. Do you like what you see – the whole mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical package? Do you enjoy being around her? Would you miss her if she weren’t around? Does she give you the oogly-googlies? You’ve already analyzed the intellectual data, and you like her, or you wouldn’t be dating her, so the real question is: do you think she might be worth getting beyond these feelings, or does hanging onto the fear seem more comfortable. The choice is yours and you have to make it—either with this one, or the next, or the next . . . until you and God, together, finally conquer.
Option One: “What if I don’t like her as much as I thought?”
If you feel she isn’t worth the effort, or your eyes keep wondering, cut your losses and break up, being sure to follow the rules for breaking up in a forthcoming chapter. Once you make this decision, it’s in your best interest to take another week to think it over— but no more. Proceed cautiously when cutting losses you may later regret.
Option Two: “What if I just can’t decide?”
It’s OK to take a couple weeks to think about it, but no more. Whatever you do, or however you feel, treat her carefully during this time—with courtesy, respect, and consistency. A girl will pick up on the most subtle changes in your treatment of her (remember the relationship is unproven, so her perception is sensitively acute) and if noticed, she will subconsciously change her treatment of you skewing the entire equation. If you have talked to her three times a week, continue the same communication, quality and quantity, until you do decide.
I caution you to be sure of your decision before taking action. We advise that any girl or guy allow one break-up, consider a second try in some limited circumstances, but we feel that a third try should not be an option. As difficult as it is to work through these uninvited emotions, vacillating would be insensitive, and would not recommend your character to her or any other girl.
Option Three: “She is totally worth the effort!”
If you really like her, just run with it—run with the relationship, I mean. The fear may pop up again here and there, but denial toward fear, in the presence of good decision-making, is the perfect coping skill. Balanced godly dating, healthy fun, and enjoying each other are perfect tools to distract from those fears. You have plenty of time to avoid any permanent mistakes.
More feelings . . .
Another feeling that cannot be ignored in a new relationship is the natural increase in sex drive. This does not indicate a perverse nature. The difference between a perverse nature and a godly man or woman is that an increased sex drive in a godly man or woman does not prompt gratification. Character, identity, is determined by who you are when no one is looking. Though we live in a sexually promiscuous society, your identity will be determined before God and your spouse by what you do with those extra hormones. Success in your marriage will, to a great degree, be determined by whether you act godly, or react.
Since even marriage does not offer unlimited and unbridled sex whenever and wherever (that may be shocking, but true), think of these daily challenges as learning opportunities, self-control being a characteristic much easier learned before damaging patterns are established. In developing a battle plan, we first look at human psychology. Every brain follows established electrical pathways, which we create and then call habits. I once heard those pathways compared to trails in a wheat field. The more the path is travelled, the less thought it takes to stay on the path. Remember that temptation itself is not sin. The sin is in how we respond to Satan’s suggestions, which are appealing, of course, or they wouldn’t be tempting. Once you get into a routine of immediately dismissing the sexual feelings with each hormonal increase, the easier it will become. I didn’t say it will be easy. I am saying it will be easier. God doesn’t give any of us more than we can handle, and He doesn’t say temptation will be easy to handle, but resisting can become much easier over time if we block certain electrical patterns or pathways in our brains. In essence, by early habits we pronounce our own sentence on how difficult, or not, will be our self-control.
Where understanding human psychology can help us understand our path to overcoming, it neither gives us the desire or the strength to deny ourselves pleasure now. The first defense against ungodly fulfillment is a strong will against godlessness and for godliness, which must come from the heart and be coupled by a desire to honor God with an active, abiding, and moment-by-moment relationship with Jesus. Prayer, distraction, increased exercise, and a determined avoidance of daydreaming are also important strategies. We are in a cosmic battle against the most powerful being in the universe secondary to God and His servants – the Latter being our only strength. Though sexual promiscuity in every form is acceptable in today’s society, purity is possible only when we prepare for battle and put God’s pleasure ahead of our own.
It is so easy to say that this temptation can be conquered. I won’t patronize you by quoting promises and guarantees of success –even if it can be biblically supported. The truth is, the spirit may be willing, “but the flesh is weak.” Though forgiveness is real, the emotional consequences, be it to yourself or another, cannot be undone, so begin practicing extra self-control and godly habits now before the increase hits. Claim God’s promise in I Corinthians 10:13 and make a predetermined decision to honor God while in your date’s presence and in private. Though it requires a denial of pleasure now, you will be much happier in marriage and enjoy a greater reward of salvation. Hang in there. If becoming a man or woman, a good man or woman, were easy—anyone could do it.
Summary . . .
Sadly, Ben and Abby felt that because they had known each other for some time, they should resolve their anxiety with an intense campaign probing into whether the other was the right one without first strengthening their bond by dating or allowing time to adjust to the commitment. Though they were a perfect match in many ways, their dating relationship was not well enough established to withstand the pressure, and they broke up.
And as far as sorting out all these feelings, I wish there was something I could say to decrease your anxiety, because it can be a most uncomfortable experience. Keep in mind that this adjustment period shouldn't last long. It’s just part of the process for many couples, the initial catalyst that prepares us to resolve future unexpected emotions that will surface throughout the relationship.
Speaking of the future, for those of you who were prepared, having adjusted well to commitment, an announcement of some kind is a courteous gesture toward your friends and family. Some announce their news by changing their status on Facebook, others will have a party, and some will let all their relatives spread the word—you know “those moms!” Each couple, and each person, will have different ideas, and once you agree on when, where, and how, the one thing you can count on is that everyone will be excited for you. Everyone that is, except . . . .
