Caution: Up To Date is designed to be read in a linear fashion, as each chapter builds on principles established in the previous chapters. For your best relationship success, begin with the introduction and progress chapter by chapter.
Chapter Twelve
“Dating Architecture 101” – Practical Prep
Blessed is he for he heareth me[wisdom], watching daily at my gates, waiting at the posts of my doors.
He receives [instruction] and becomes yet wiser: Because he is a righteous man, he will receive teaching and
increase in learning. As a wise son; he gathereth in summer. His strength enables him to obtain riches.
And his worthy wife is a crown to his life (Proverbs 32:8-11).
In an earlier chapter, Jesse showed us how to manage a pre-dating relationship by addressing the undeniable aspect of . . . well, of life. Everyone has to have food and a place to sleep. Let’s evaluate this realm of relationship preparation, a sneak peek at how to be “fit for two” in the many essential and practical areas of life.
What are the minimum requirements in practical prep? Where and how do those line up with the dating plan? What age is it OK to begin dating? Is it appropriate to date while still in school? For all these answers and more, read on.
Let’s take it one gender at a time.
Guys
1. Prepare a steady income, a place to live, a little savings, and begin the dating process at just the right time to avoid too long of a courtship.
2. Know how to run a home: be the priest of the family, know how to handle finances, and learn about children even if you don’t plan to have them.
3. Learn chores generally considered the role of the opposite gender, e.g. cooking, cleaning, laundry, and learn to do them with pride in a job well done.
That wasn’t too bad, was it? Sometimes we really try to make things more complicated than they need to, don’t we? It’s really pretty simple. We will define a few more detailed guidelines about the above list in a bit. First let’s address the ladies practical preparation.
Ladies
1. Learn a skill or get a degree that will support you.
2. Know how to run a home, be responsible with finances, and learn about the care and rearing of children even if you don’t plan to have them.
3. Know and learn certain chores generally considered the role of the opposite gender, i.e. how to check automobile fluid levels, change the oil, change a tire, run a mower safely, and any other masculine thing you may need to do should your husband be absent or unable.
For the best relationship, this preparation must happen before marriage, but the wisest will begin well before choosing that perfect date. For either gender, it will need to be actively planned and actively implemented. It will not just suddenly happen on its own.
Dating age
Really, what is the best age to begin dating? Let’s just take a look at Adam and Eve . . . uh, hold it! That’s not really an applicable example (giggle). Rewind . . .
By the power of deduction, it is easy to see that all the practical prep listed above cannot readily be accomplished at too early of an age. One would be seriously challenged to reach these goals at age eighteen.
If you are the younger (meaning less than 18), ambitious type, good job! Use that ambition to get ready to date. Take God along. But since Christian dating is designed to find a spouse, not for self-fulfillment or entertainment, make your living without dating until you can be well on your way to fulfilling all the prerequisites. Maybe along the way you will discover someone God has set in your way that you just can’t get around, like He did for Jesse. By beginning prep before dating, if God does send him or her to you, you just might be ready to appropriately respond.
I would also give caution here about marrying “too old.” When a person is single for quite a while, it’s easy to get into the routine of doing what you want when you want while completely missing how self-focused you’ve subconsciously become. It just becomes routine.
When a person, even someone you are in love with, invades your home, unexpected emotional resentment can often be a serious problem. Initially, you expect that your love will make up for the invasion, but all too soon you shockingly discover that it doesn’t. The solution, the prep, is a daily sacrifice of your time and money to the church, or a godly cause, in preparation for when you must sacrifice those same things (time and money) to your family. A sacrificial attitude doesn’t just automatically happen when someone says, “I do.” Again, you must prepare.
School
Whatever your age, it is not wise to allow sentimentality to override your studies, but that doesn’t mean you should avoid dating during college if your budget, time, and energy cooperate appropriately. If you can accomplish all of the prerequisites above while in school, you are using the dating plan, following the dating time frames, and you are leading godly lives, then get married. It is just as easy to be married whether in school or working, and it’s much more fun to deal with life together.
One of the attributes ascribed to successful marriages a hundred years ago is the way that families came together in tough times and relied on each other. If your ducks are in a row, and at least “dressed” (that means ready to cook), enjoy the feast together whether in college or not.
For clarification, ducks “dressed” means that this energetic guy fulfilled all his prerequisites himself with his own motivation. It means that the woman is not the sole support of the household during this time. A woman being the responsible provider, no matter what the man is doing, doesn’t go along with any of the above prerequisites of dating and marriage. If she has to be the sole breadwinner, I do not recommend marriage in any situation other than handicap, and especially not during school. A man still needs to be the man. Too many relationships end in divorce when women are sole supporters during school. Avoid being a statistic by allowing a man to demonstrate, and feel, his own initiative before marrying.
Details, details, details
I promised you details about minimal requirements. Here we go:
Living quarters Housing is usually the biggest financial challenge for a guy when preparing for marriage. There are several reasons it is necessary for a man to have an apartment or house before the wedding. He needs to demonstrate his ability to accept responsibility and feel the self-esteem of providing a home. His woman needs to know he can do that before she commits to a marriage. She also needs the self-esteem of having her own home, her own place to express herself.
There should be no outside influences that critical first year of marriage when a couple is blending two lives and developing one home. In the past, we’ve suggested that every couple should move at least five hours away from all family members the first year so they can develop their own family patterns. Though this may not be very practical or even possible, it can be a big key to success. Living very close to or with someone else can make or break the marriage and often does. At minimum, it will interfere with your family’s natural integration.
Though it is the man’s responsibility, it is OK to combine wages to provide for housing. You almost have to do so in this day and age. Just plan ahead so you have a place secured before the wedding date. And a wise man would certainly consult his woman before actually committing to any particular living space. Challenge or no, provide at least a private, humble home.
Financial support
“Income” means bringing money in while the “budget” manages outgoing funds. Though our main topic here is making a living and not budgeting, I can’t help but bring up a story. One woman I know worked full-time and more, budgeted well, and spent frugally. Unfortunately, it wasn’t uncommon for her to come home from a full time job to a proud husband who got a great deal. They were often $3000, or more, in debt with his new purchase in just one day though he could not pay for the previous “great deal”. This happened again and again. Though either person’s talent may lean in just one direction, both must be skilled in budgeting and income.
Guys must carry the largest responsibility of income as head of the house. It does not mean that he has to make the most money or that his role as head of house is to force his wife out in the work world. It simply means the responsibility is his to make sure his family’s temporal needs are met.
What about missionary work? Isn’t “God’s work” all about sacrifice? Shouldn’t we volunteer our time? Often ministry does not afford much for a wage. Yet, ministry is not an excuse to leave a family lacking in the basics. A family can do without furniture for the ministry, but they need to have a private roof over their heads and nutritious food.
Paul’s example in the New Testament demonstrated that he did not rely on the church for support. He often made tents through the night and ministered by day. If a ministry is unable to provide basic support for a family, then it is the man’s responsibility to provide the lack. Consider either getting a job that pays and minister at work or on the side, or remain single like Paul so you can devote your whole being to God’s work.
It is the husband’s responsibility to be sure the spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional needs are supplied to his family at all cost. Over the years we have seen some well meaning men (and even women) spend a great deal of time and effort investing in a stranger’s life to win a convert when his own family seems eternally lost because of his neglect. Such a sacrifice is God’s loss more than man’s. A Man’s spiritual ministry, for both his own growth and that of his family, begins with meeting all the needs of the family and then the world—in that order. (Read Acts of the Apostles, Chapter 33, available free online).
Ladies, financially prepare as though you would forever be single. You don’t have to rent your own apartment; that’s the guys worry. Having a marketable skill will enable you to contribute as needed and assist in an emergency.
Each person should tuck away at least one month’s living in a combined savings. If you start saving before you start dating, setting aside this small amount of untouchable cash for emergencies should not be difficult.
If you aren’t an expert with handling a budget, pick up G. Edward Reid’s book entitled It’s Your Money. Isn’t it? This easy to read book teaches practical money management for Christians.
Running a home
It is common to hear educated and astute young couples express how sure they were about knowing how to run a household, until they had to do so all by themselves. Questions will arise as life dishes out new events. The more preparation, the fewer surprises a couple will experience, but surprises will still arise. The key is to learn what’s involved in running a household and then practice putting it all together. To accomplish this well, it must be learned early, so start now.
Ask both mom and dad to tell you every chore and responsibility they have now or have had in the past. Whew, this may be overwhelming. Begin with daily, then weekly, then monthly, and finally annually. Write down everything from paying bills to buying insurance, changing the battery in the smoke alarm, and cutting baby sister’s fingernails—everything. Add to the list what chores each child does independently. Look for less obvious responsibilities like getting the mail or closing windows and locking the door at night. So much is taken for granted and consequently left off the list.
Now begin practicing prioritization skills, being sure to accomplish the list in a timely manner. Since half the battle is being prepared, this list will help you avoid being overwhelmed by surprises later. Though appropriate prioritizing may take some time to develop, it’s an essential tool for success, so practice, practice, practice.
Children
“You mean I have to learn about children even if I am never going to have them?” Yep. Why? Well, for three reasons: 1) so you can be helpful to others (either in drastic situations or just because you love to be helpful), 2) so you will not be critical to others who have children, and 3) because you just might actually end up with some afterall.
I had all the answers on rearing children, as most non-parents do. I was going to do this right! I was almost ninety-nine percent correct, seriously, until my oldest daughter turned about eighteen months old. About this time we had our first of many “battles of the will.” I realized that, though I could make that little body do anything I wanted from picking up her toys to eating food she hated, I could not make her think the way I wanted her to think. I saw—and felt—that revelation, and my true conversion process began. I suddenly realized that her salvation is completely in the hands of God. Yes, I had a part to play, a big one, but I could not assure her thought processes toward salvation. This humbled me beyond my knees to falling prostrate before the throne of God.
For the purposes of humility, we all must learn about kids. And since each of us, parent or not, will have an immeasurable influence, it is essential that we know and understand the best methods of training the little ones for heaven. I recommend that every young adult read The Strong Willed Child by Dr. James Dobson, a book encircling a concept which should never be left for only the strong willed. Reading this sooner is better than later, but all parents should read it before their first child is four months old.
Summary
So, if you have addressed your own Christian standard and relationship to God, have honestly analyzed why you want a relationship and resolved any motivational issues, and you’ve begun working the practical preparation introduced in this chapter, you will soon be ready to date. What else can an eager, anticipating dater or datee do while awaiting that one?
In the next chapter we describe a few resources (books) that teach parallel skills for dating. The practical and tangible skills outlined will draw that one person, that one romantic love, so deep within your heart that love will continually overflow toward him or her, redeeming his or her love in return. I guess we could call that wooing ;-).
These recommended books provide a first-love education, as well as refresher course, that will prove a godsend from your first date to your hundredth anniversary. Read on . . . .
“Dating Architecture 101” – Practical Prep
Blessed is he for he heareth me[wisdom], watching daily at my gates, waiting at the posts of my doors.
He receives [instruction] and becomes yet wiser: Because he is a righteous man, he will receive teaching and
increase in learning. As a wise son; he gathereth in summer. His strength enables him to obtain riches.
And his worthy wife is a crown to his life (Proverbs 32:8-11).
In an earlier chapter, Jesse showed us how to manage a pre-dating relationship by addressing the undeniable aspect of . . . well, of life. Everyone has to have food and a place to sleep. Let’s evaluate this realm of relationship preparation, a sneak peek at how to be “fit for two” in the many essential and practical areas of life.
What are the minimum requirements in practical prep? Where and how do those line up with the dating plan? What age is it OK to begin dating? Is it appropriate to date while still in school? For all these answers and more, read on.
Let’s take it one gender at a time.
Guys
1. Prepare a steady income, a place to live, a little savings, and begin the dating process at just the right time to avoid too long of a courtship.
2. Know how to run a home: be the priest of the family, know how to handle finances, and learn about children even if you don’t plan to have them.
3. Learn chores generally considered the role of the opposite gender, e.g. cooking, cleaning, laundry, and learn to do them with pride in a job well done.
That wasn’t too bad, was it? Sometimes we really try to make things more complicated than they need to, don’t we? It’s really pretty simple. We will define a few more detailed guidelines about the above list in a bit. First let’s address the ladies practical preparation.
Ladies
1. Learn a skill or get a degree that will support you.
2. Know how to run a home, be responsible with finances, and learn about the care and rearing of children even if you don’t plan to have them.
3. Know and learn certain chores generally considered the role of the opposite gender, i.e. how to check automobile fluid levels, change the oil, change a tire, run a mower safely, and any other masculine thing you may need to do should your husband be absent or unable.
For the best relationship, this preparation must happen before marriage, but the wisest will begin well before choosing that perfect date. For either gender, it will need to be actively planned and actively implemented. It will not just suddenly happen on its own.
Dating age
Really, what is the best age to begin dating? Let’s just take a look at Adam and Eve . . . uh, hold it! That’s not really an applicable example (giggle). Rewind . . .
By the power of deduction, it is easy to see that all the practical prep listed above cannot readily be accomplished at too early of an age. One would be seriously challenged to reach these goals at age eighteen.
If you are the younger (meaning less than 18), ambitious type, good job! Use that ambition to get ready to date. Take God along. But since Christian dating is designed to find a spouse, not for self-fulfillment or entertainment, make your living without dating until you can be well on your way to fulfilling all the prerequisites. Maybe along the way you will discover someone God has set in your way that you just can’t get around, like He did for Jesse. By beginning prep before dating, if God does send him or her to you, you just might be ready to appropriately respond.
I would also give caution here about marrying “too old.” When a person is single for quite a while, it’s easy to get into the routine of doing what you want when you want while completely missing how self-focused you’ve subconsciously become. It just becomes routine.
When a person, even someone you are in love with, invades your home, unexpected emotional resentment can often be a serious problem. Initially, you expect that your love will make up for the invasion, but all too soon you shockingly discover that it doesn’t. The solution, the prep, is a daily sacrifice of your time and money to the church, or a godly cause, in preparation for when you must sacrifice those same things (time and money) to your family. A sacrificial attitude doesn’t just automatically happen when someone says, “I do.” Again, you must prepare.
School
Whatever your age, it is not wise to allow sentimentality to override your studies, but that doesn’t mean you should avoid dating during college if your budget, time, and energy cooperate appropriately. If you can accomplish all of the prerequisites above while in school, you are using the dating plan, following the dating time frames, and you are leading godly lives, then get married. It is just as easy to be married whether in school or working, and it’s much more fun to deal with life together.
One of the attributes ascribed to successful marriages a hundred years ago is the way that families came together in tough times and relied on each other. If your ducks are in a row, and at least “dressed” (that means ready to cook), enjoy the feast together whether in college or not.
For clarification, ducks “dressed” means that this energetic guy fulfilled all his prerequisites himself with his own motivation. It means that the woman is not the sole support of the household during this time. A woman being the responsible provider, no matter what the man is doing, doesn’t go along with any of the above prerequisites of dating and marriage. If she has to be the sole breadwinner, I do not recommend marriage in any situation other than handicap, and especially not during school. A man still needs to be the man. Too many relationships end in divorce when women are sole supporters during school. Avoid being a statistic by allowing a man to demonstrate, and feel, his own initiative before marrying.
Details, details, details
I promised you details about minimal requirements. Here we go:
Living quarters Housing is usually the biggest financial challenge for a guy when preparing for marriage. There are several reasons it is necessary for a man to have an apartment or house before the wedding. He needs to demonstrate his ability to accept responsibility and feel the self-esteem of providing a home. His woman needs to know he can do that before she commits to a marriage. She also needs the self-esteem of having her own home, her own place to express herself.
There should be no outside influences that critical first year of marriage when a couple is blending two lives and developing one home. In the past, we’ve suggested that every couple should move at least five hours away from all family members the first year so they can develop their own family patterns. Though this may not be very practical or even possible, it can be a big key to success. Living very close to or with someone else can make or break the marriage and often does. At minimum, it will interfere with your family’s natural integration.
Though it is the man’s responsibility, it is OK to combine wages to provide for housing. You almost have to do so in this day and age. Just plan ahead so you have a place secured before the wedding date. And a wise man would certainly consult his woman before actually committing to any particular living space. Challenge or no, provide at least a private, humble home.
Financial support
“Income” means bringing money in while the “budget” manages outgoing funds. Though our main topic here is making a living and not budgeting, I can’t help but bring up a story. One woman I know worked full-time and more, budgeted well, and spent frugally. Unfortunately, it wasn’t uncommon for her to come home from a full time job to a proud husband who got a great deal. They were often $3000, or more, in debt with his new purchase in just one day though he could not pay for the previous “great deal”. This happened again and again. Though either person’s talent may lean in just one direction, both must be skilled in budgeting and income.
Guys must carry the largest responsibility of income as head of the house. It does not mean that he has to make the most money or that his role as head of house is to force his wife out in the work world. It simply means the responsibility is his to make sure his family’s temporal needs are met.
What about missionary work? Isn’t “God’s work” all about sacrifice? Shouldn’t we volunteer our time? Often ministry does not afford much for a wage. Yet, ministry is not an excuse to leave a family lacking in the basics. A family can do without furniture for the ministry, but they need to have a private roof over their heads and nutritious food.
Paul’s example in the New Testament demonstrated that he did not rely on the church for support. He often made tents through the night and ministered by day. If a ministry is unable to provide basic support for a family, then it is the man’s responsibility to provide the lack. Consider either getting a job that pays and minister at work or on the side, or remain single like Paul so you can devote your whole being to God’s work.
It is the husband’s responsibility to be sure the spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional needs are supplied to his family at all cost. Over the years we have seen some well meaning men (and even women) spend a great deal of time and effort investing in a stranger’s life to win a convert when his own family seems eternally lost because of his neglect. Such a sacrifice is God’s loss more than man’s. A Man’s spiritual ministry, for both his own growth and that of his family, begins with meeting all the needs of the family and then the world—in that order. (Read Acts of the Apostles, Chapter 33, available free online).
Ladies, financially prepare as though you would forever be single. You don’t have to rent your own apartment; that’s the guys worry. Having a marketable skill will enable you to contribute as needed and assist in an emergency.
Each person should tuck away at least one month’s living in a combined savings. If you start saving before you start dating, setting aside this small amount of untouchable cash for emergencies should not be difficult.
If you aren’t an expert with handling a budget, pick up G. Edward Reid’s book entitled It’s Your Money. Isn’t it? This easy to read book teaches practical money management for Christians.
Running a home
It is common to hear educated and astute young couples express how sure they were about knowing how to run a household, until they had to do so all by themselves. Questions will arise as life dishes out new events. The more preparation, the fewer surprises a couple will experience, but surprises will still arise. The key is to learn what’s involved in running a household and then practice putting it all together. To accomplish this well, it must be learned early, so start now.
Ask both mom and dad to tell you every chore and responsibility they have now or have had in the past. Whew, this may be overwhelming. Begin with daily, then weekly, then monthly, and finally annually. Write down everything from paying bills to buying insurance, changing the battery in the smoke alarm, and cutting baby sister’s fingernails—everything. Add to the list what chores each child does independently. Look for less obvious responsibilities like getting the mail or closing windows and locking the door at night. So much is taken for granted and consequently left off the list.
Now begin practicing prioritization skills, being sure to accomplish the list in a timely manner. Since half the battle is being prepared, this list will help you avoid being overwhelmed by surprises later. Though appropriate prioritizing may take some time to develop, it’s an essential tool for success, so practice, practice, practice.
Children
“You mean I have to learn about children even if I am never going to have them?” Yep. Why? Well, for three reasons: 1) so you can be helpful to others (either in drastic situations or just because you love to be helpful), 2) so you will not be critical to others who have children, and 3) because you just might actually end up with some afterall.
I had all the answers on rearing children, as most non-parents do. I was going to do this right! I was almost ninety-nine percent correct, seriously, until my oldest daughter turned about eighteen months old. About this time we had our first of many “battles of the will.” I realized that, though I could make that little body do anything I wanted from picking up her toys to eating food she hated, I could not make her think the way I wanted her to think. I saw—and felt—that revelation, and my true conversion process began. I suddenly realized that her salvation is completely in the hands of God. Yes, I had a part to play, a big one, but I could not assure her thought processes toward salvation. This humbled me beyond my knees to falling prostrate before the throne of God.
For the purposes of humility, we all must learn about kids. And since each of us, parent or not, will have an immeasurable influence, it is essential that we know and understand the best methods of training the little ones for heaven. I recommend that every young adult read The Strong Willed Child by Dr. James Dobson, a book encircling a concept which should never be left for only the strong willed. Reading this sooner is better than later, but all parents should read it before their first child is four months old.
Summary
So, if you have addressed your own Christian standard and relationship to God, have honestly analyzed why you want a relationship and resolved any motivational issues, and you’ve begun working the practical preparation introduced in this chapter, you will soon be ready to date. What else can an eager, anticipating dater or datee do while awaiting that one?
In the next chapter we describe a few resources (books) that teach parallel skills for dating. The practical and tangible skills outlined will draw that one person, that one romantic love, so deep within your heart that love will continually overflow toward him or her, redeeming his or her love in return. I guess we could call that wooing ;-).
These recommended books provide a first-love education, as well as refresher course, that will prove a godsend from your first date to your hundredth anniversary. Read on . . . .
