Caution: Up To Date is designed to be read in a linear fashion, as each chapter builds on principles established in the previous chapters. For your best relationship success, begin with the introduction and progress chapter by chapter.
Chapter Thirty
When to Share “A Past”
“Who can understand his errors? Cleanse thou me from secret faults”
“Who gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity,
and purify unto himself a peculiar people,
zealous of good works” (Psalm 19:12; Titus 2:14).
“The only difference between a saint and a sinner is that
every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.”
God gave man a mind with the power of reason and choice. He meant for us to develop this, to learn self-discipline in order to protect not only ourselves but also other children of God. He meant for us to love, nurture, and commit to one special person in our lives before participating in sexual intimacy. If we stay inside the safe circle of God’s Ten Commandments, no one gets hurt. If we step outside, someone will be hurt. We honor God when we abide by His plan, but when we’ve failed . . .
Because this topic is so sensitive, practicing good communication skills should be taken seriously prior to opening up your past–a good reason to study Chapter Thirty as soon as possible, as well as read and understand the feelings behind rationales shared throughout Up To Date.
When marrying, two become one, therefore nothing past, present, or future will affect one and not the other. Knowing about a physical-past while dating allows time for resignation of (adjusting thoughts toward) something that cannot be changed. It builds confidence that you will hold nothing back, that you really are willing to consider becoming one in heart, soul, and mind, and that you are humble enough to grow in the relationship with each other, and with Christ, no matter the risk. Sharing honestly, at the right time, will strengthen a long term relationship.
So . . . when is a good time to ask?
We’ve discovered three trains of thought when speaking to young people:
1) Many assume that it isn’t wise to waste time dating if the person is not a good candidate for marriage, which means that in order to know right away, this question of virginity should be included at the outset, the very beginning of dating.
2) Others suggest that one should not ask about virginity until later, such as right before marriage, and . . .
3) Some believe it’s no one’s business, least of all their future mate’s.
Our conclusion is . . . there is never a good time to ask the virginity-question, but there is a good time to volunteer your
virginity-status.
Let’s explore together how each option may affect the relationship.
Though it may seem preferable to keep a personal past to yourself, or at least until after the wedding, whether it is out of embarrassment or to avoid a break up, withholding information about your past signals secrecy as a value, warning of more secrets to come in spite of wedding vows, which creates only distrust. Once damaged, a marriage without trust cannot become healthy without a change of those values and a lot of time and effort. A little wisdom, sensitivity, and communication at the right time will save a lot of heartache and wasted energy, as well as make early marriage, and intimacy, a lot more fun.
Rather than waiting until close to marriage when so much time, emotion, and likely an assumption-of-purity, has been invested in the relationship, this topic should instead be opened just about the time you take that first step into a deeper blending of heart and mind, i.e. just after dating for one full year. At this point in time you aren’t fully invested but can see many wonderful virtues, which gives him or her opportunity to be considered on merit rather than excluded due to his or her past mistakes.
If you’ve been dating a year, and you haven’t seen enough in him or her to be worth holding onto and working through any kind of past, it’s best to end the relationship before the virginity topic is approached. If that’s the case, it truly isn’t your business to know.
Because prior sexual habits will affect someone with whom you share any level of physical relationship, potentially leaving him or her feeling stained, cheap, betrayed, and/or used, by delaying the first kiss until after discussing this topic, you demonstrate a high respect for his or her feelings which may, in and of itself, counteract any information considered negative.
Side note: Can you see how emotions, decisions, and even a life can be skewed by jumping right into a physical relationship on the first date?
Who should share first?
Because this expose’ hints at a relationship advancement, it’s best if the “priest” of the relationship brings up the topic by asking if she is willing to talk about it now, and as said before, by voluntarily offering his own past information first.
What exactly should I share?
Virginity Status
At this point, simply share whether or not you are a virgin, how recent was your activity, whether it was a one-time “mistake” or a persistent pattern without sharing details. With whom should also be shared, however what is most important to say, and to believe, is this: “I have consented to more of a physical relationship in the past than what I would now, knowing God’s will as I do.”
Pornography and other sexual addictions
The key to addiction is that the pattern in the brain automatically responds to certain stimuli—or it sometimes acts even without stimuli. A simple example of this brain function is demonstrated by my thoughtless mistake the other day.
Early in our marriage we hung a kitchen towel on the fridge door. When we moved into this house fifteen years ago, we installed towel holders next to the sink, yet for some reason, out of nowhere, I went for that towel on the fridge door without even realizing what I was doing. It was like I had been doing that every day of my life, but there had been no towel on that door for fifteen years.
Though conquerable, sexual sin is simply too easy to slip into (or back into), which is why Christ clarified where it starts – in the brain. He said that if you lust after a woman, you are committing adultery, i.e. breaking the seventh commandment. Sexual sin of any kind dulls the senses—meaning the sensitivity to sin and the Holy Spirit – which in turn tends to more sin, as sin seem less sinful to him or her. It starts in the brain, but unless converted, it doesn’t end there.
Many assume that sexual sin will resolve itself once married, but surprisingly, it more often intensifies the habit. Marriage should not be used as a resolution to sin, because self-control is still required in a marriage relationship – even more than you expect.
Both being lustful and addictive, neither pornography nor masturbation is a part of God’s plan for men or women, and both can be classified in Christ’s warning of adultery. Though Christ was speaking to men, women can also be addicted to sex or pornography. For ease of writing only, I will speak of “him” as having the addiction.
Sharing that you’ve had a pornographic history protects both you and your date. If she knows of it, she can make an educated decision about marriage, and should she decide to marry, doing so with the knowledge of a past addiction should increase her sympathy and obligation to help her husband should he lapse back into it. If a pornographic habit is either active or in the past, that information must be shared including how often, how long, and how long-ago, all before initiating any physical commitment such as that first kiss.
A habit of masturbation, like pornography, makes a spouse feel stained, cheap, betrayed, and used—again affecting both persons in the marriage, so again, this information should be shared prior to beginning a physical relationship.
One may ask, “Why would I share about an addictive past when my date may simply end it right there?” Keep in mind that you are not alone in the addiction. Being careful not to use statistics as an excuse for the sin, they do suggest that 50 percent of men both in and out of the church struggle with just pornography, not to mention other sexual sins or female statistics. The prevalence is so high that few people wouldn’t have something to share back with you, again noting that this reality is meant not to condone but to reassure that “all have sinned and come short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).
The bottom line: discovery after marriage is more likely to end a relationship than honesty up front. A happy and successful marriage means being real with each other.
Openness, no matter the news, is the only way to build a trusting relationship. This “trust” means that though you are both aware it could happen again, one’s past will not necessarily dictate his or her future. The “trust” spoken of here is also in knowing that no matter the risk, open communication will happen, that you have established a pattern of confiding, you’ve demonstrated a value of honesty in the face of adversity, and you’ve provided and received support when needed. If you have the past, you want someone you can trust to forgive you, which cannot be known without complete openness. If the relationship is meant to be, God will provide the forgiveness, healing, and security necessary for a healthy relationship, blessing you with the ability to grow together in a more mature way.
As far as dating with an active sexual addiction, we advise that you first conquer it for at least one year prior. Our "Conquering Sexual Sin" page in the appendix shares helpful articles on overcoming. Since marriage can sometimes exacerbate rather than cure an issue, a thorough understanding of the impact of sexual sin on a relationship as explained by Dwight Nelson in his video, The Bondage Breaker, is helpful in seeing the reason behind a dating-delay. May God grant you His loving grace as you begin your journey towards purity.
Abuse
Often people try to avoid memories of abuse in an attempt to erase them, all the while saying they “just let it run off” (the prerequisite for surfacing later). As painful as it might be, if you are dating and plan to marry, these feelings should not stop you from sharing this past. What happened is part of what makes you who you are, and sometimes, in this cosmic battle, we just have to balance the playing field by putting ourselves aside for another’s benefit. This is one of those times, painful as it might be.
Because early abuse can have a huge effect on marriage later, we recommend telling your date about the abuse at the appropriate time even if unready to deal with. You needn’t go into detail, go to counseling, or deal with it if you aren’t ready. Sharing this info does not mean you need to publicize anything, that you need to press charges, that it be brought to the front or made a huge part of your life now, but hiding it will create many more painful times when you do deal with it later – and that time will likely come at some point.
Sharing may seem a violation of privacy for the perpetrator, but whether the person has been prosecuted or not, he or she gave up all privacy rights when invading yours. Sadly, as part of forgiving, it isn’t uncommon for past victims to place their children in the care of known perpetrators demonstrating faith that this person has repented, yet leaving the innocent child vulnerable. Exposing the perpetrator’s identity is critical for trust within the marriage and for the safety of your future family.
Is there a sexual history that should not be shared?
No, but it isn’t necessary to share early childhood curiosity as long as it did not involve loss of virginity or develop longstanding habits. You also do not need to share a history of masturbation unless it became a habit lasting longer than a very short period of time, which then should be shared.
Guilt and Purity
The secular world teaches that consensual sex is fine, so it may be a new revelation for some that premarital sex is not in God’s plan. Often the Christian who knows this without obeying his conscience will find it difficult to get past his or her failure. Once virginity is gone, it’s gone, and it’s logical to feel guilty whether a victim or consenting partner, but purity is an altogether different matter—it’s a state of mind.
When Christ touches the heart, He promises to make us a “new creature.” Purity of mind and heart is a gift in exchange for turning the sin over to Him. It means that, by the grace of God, your mental focus has changed, yet even though we intellectually know we are forgiven, it can take years to forgive ourselves.
Guilt can have a significant impact on a long-term relationship. During the anger portion of our grieving process, we readily place blame on another for our consensual experiences. It’s so natural to say, “She enticed me” or “He was pushy.” While putting blame elsewhere, one is avoiding the responsibility in upholding God’s standard in his or her own life, and healing cannot begin.
David was a man after God’s own heart, and when rebuked by the prophet Nathan for his infidelity with Bathsheba, his immediate response was, “I have sinned” in spite of her enticing bath on the roof top. He took full responsibility before God.
Though another may be involved, if we’ve stepped out of God’s safe circle of commandments, we cannot know His forgiveness by avoiding the responsibility of our own choices and actions no matter the enticement. While holding onto anger and bitterness, we cannot move beyond the handicap of guilt. We must first accept our own human weakness by falling at the foot of the cross and giving it all to Him; we must accept Christ’s forgiveness (His purpose in dying for us) and believe His promises (I John 1:9), forgiving others for their weakness as we’d like to be forgiven (Matthew 6:12), and we must ultimately forgive ourselves. There may be no better way to start this process than asking forgiveness of the one involved.
Keep in mind that guilt can be used by Satan’s to discourage us in this cosmic battle, which is one reason he loves to see guilty feelings in an innocent victim of abuse. Guilt can create all kinds of issues that rear their ugly heads later even if you “have it all under control” now. I pray that being aware of the far reaching results will help the reader understand how important it is to be open at the appropriate time before marriage.
Most importantly, remember that “if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new" (2 Corinthians 5:17). Jesus made that promise with your purity in mind, and He will honor it.
Sexually transmitted diseases (STD)
Though certain STDs can be easily treated, some do not always show symptoms and can be contracted with just one exposure. If you have had a sexual experience, be it voluntary or through abuse, it would be a wise and kind gesture to test for HIV, Hepatitis B and C, Herpes, Chlamydia, Syphilis, and Gonorrhea prior to volunteering your physical history, so you can reassure your date of two things: 1) a cure or control, and 2) you take serious not only your own health, but his or hers. The one you care for has a right to know about STDs, but more than that, if you care about this person, you’d want them to have no surprises.
If cost is an issue, many county health departments offer free or significantly discounted testing, but either way, be sure you can offer a clean bill of health before that first kiss.
Discretion
Having no physical past yourself isn’t a reason to discuss this topic any sooner. Your assumption that he or she has no physical past to share might be incorrect, and once opened, the topic would need to be discussed. Intimate conversation makes intimate feelings, good or bad, and it’s too serious a topic to discuss early in the relationship—once again, the relationship would be upside down.
Privacy policy
As a responsible Christian, no one’s sexual history should be shared with anyone else whether you are still dating or have broken up. You may need to enlighten a friend should he or she want to date a person you know is currently sexually active – otherwise, exposing a past history would be insensitive and discrediting to both of you.
How should I react . . .
If his or her history isn’t what you hoped, the answer to this question is: don’t react or respond—not yet anyway. Speaking of the moment you are told, it’s time to just listen, share your own experience briefly or lack thereof, and quietly go home.
Indeed it may break your heart to hear this information, especially if you have kept yourself pure and untouched, but even if you have been sexually active, there may be jealousy and anxious feelings with which to deal. Allow your emotions time to deal with the heartache before you decide anything. Just keep on keepin’ on, “lightly” in the relationship but together until you work through the grieving process.
After your emotions settle a bit, you will be better able to evaluate the intellectual pros and cons of your future together without making either judgment-calls or excuses for their past choices, but it is important to do some analysis. Is he/she really repentant (often time-passed will tell)? Is a he or she making advancements towards you that could lead down the same path later? Will the issue likely resurface after wedding vows, and if so, what will be that impact on your marriage, kids, or other family members.
You can’t analyze everything immediately. You need time. You may wonder how much time is enough. Everyone is different, but to be fair to your date, you should decide within a week or two at most whether you will continue or end the relationship so as not to drag him or her along in insecurity. Should you continue in the relationship, be sure to give that verbal reassurance so he or she isn’t wondering what you’re thinking.
Should you decide to marry an individual with a past sexual addiction, it is best to discuss together what action would be taken should it return after marriage. Where we don’t want to doubt a future spouse, they too may find security in accountability, as well as an incentive to remain pure in knowing that, for example, its first return will involve counseling and working together to be supportive but a second will involve separation—or some similar plan. If not defined before, a reputable engagement counselor should be able help you with a plan.
Where you are obliged to make a judgment call about your own future and the position in which place your family, no one has the right to condemn an individual for past errors. We have all sinned. “Mercy and truth are met together; righteousness and peace have kissed each other” (Ps 85:10). Both forgiveness and trust are essential in the Christian heart and in marriage. Forgive liberally, discern carefully, and use your red and yellow flags to choose wisely.
Hmmm, speaking of kissing, now that we have all this other stuff out in the open, when do we get to do that? You are going to tell me it’s at the altar, right? Guess again . . .
When to Share “A Past”
“Who can understand his errors? Cleanse thou me from secret faults”
“Who gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity,
and purify unto himself a peculiar people,
zealous of good works” (Psalm 19:12; Titus 2:14).
“The only difference between a saint and a sinner is that
every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.”
God gave man a mind with the power of reason and choice. He meant for us to develop this, to learn self-discipline in order to protect not only ourselves but also other children of God. He meant for us to love, nurture, and commit to one special person in our lives before participating in sexual intimacy. If we stay inside the safe circle of God’s Ten Commandments, no one gets hurt. If we step outside, someone will be hurt. We honor God when we abide by His plan, but when we’ve failed . . .
Because this topic is so sensitive, practicing good communication skills should be taken seriously prior to opening up your past–a good reason to study Chapter Thirty as soon as possible, as well as read and understand the feelings behind rationales shared throughout Up To Date.
When marrying, two become one, therefore nothing past, present, or future will affect one and not the other. Knowing about a physical-past while dating allows time for resignation of (adjusting thoughts toward) something that cannot be changed. It builds confidence that you will hold nothing back, that you really are willing to consider becoming one in heart, soul, and mind, and that you are humble enough to grow in the relationship with each other, and with Christ, no matter the risk. Sharing honestly, at the right time, will strengthen a long term relationship.
So . . . when is a good time to ask?
We’ve discovered three trains of thought when speaking to young people:
1) Many assume that it isn’t wise to waste time dating if the person is not a good candidate for marriage, which means that in order to know right away, this question of virginity should be included at the outset, the very beginning of dating.
2) Others suggest that one should not ask about virginity until later, such as right before marriage, and . . .
3) Some believe it’s no one’s business, least of all their future mate’s.
Our conclusion is . . . there is never a good time to ask the virginity-question, but there is a good time to volunteer your
virginity-status.
Let’s explore together how each option may affect the relationship.
Though it may seem preferable to keep a personal past to yourself, or at least until after the wedding, whether it is out of embarrassment or to avoid a break up, withholding information about your past signals secrecy as a value, warning of more secrets to come in spite of wedding vows, which creates only distrust. Once damaged, a marriage without trust cannot become healthy without a change of those values and a lot of time and effort. A little wisdom, sensitivity, and communication at the right time will save a lot of heartache and wasted energy, as well as make early marriage, and intimacy, a lot more fun.
Rather than waiting until close to marriage when so much time, emotion, and likely an assumption-of-purity, has been invested in the relationship, this topic should instead be opened just about the time you take that first step into a deeper blending of heart and mind, i.e. just after dating for one full year. At this point in time you aren’t fully invested but can see many wonderful virtues, which gives him or her opportunity to be considered on merit rather than excluded due to his or her past mistakes.
If you’ve been dating a year, and you haven’t seen enough in him or her to be worth holding onto and working through any kind of past, it’s best to end the relationship before the virginity topic is approached. If that’s the case, it truly isn’t your business to know.
Because prior sexual habits will affect someone with whom you share any level of physical relationship, potentially leaving him or her feeling stained, cheap, betrayed, and/or used, by delaying the first kiss until after discussing this topic, you demonstrate a high respect for his or her feelings which may, in and of itself, counteract any information considered negative.
Side note: Can you see how emotions, decisions, and even a life can be skewed by jumping right into a physical relationship on the first date?
Who should share first?
Because this expose’ hints at a relationship advancement, it’s best if the “priest” of the relationship brings up the topic by asking if she is willing to talk about it now, and as said before, by voluntarily offering his own past information first.
What exactly should I share?
Virginity Status
At this point, simply share whether or not you are a virgin, how recent was your activity, whether it was a one-time “mistake” or a persistent pattern without sharing details. With whom should also be shared, however what is most important to say, and to believe, is this: “I have consented to more of a physical relationship in the past than what I would now, knowing God’s will as I do.”
Pornography and other sexual addictions
The key to addiction is that the pattern in the brain automatically responds to certain stimuli—or it sometimes acts even without stimuli. A simple example of this brain function is demonstrated by my thoughtless mistake the other day.
Early in our marriage we hung a kitchen towel on the fridge door. When we moved into this house fifteen years ago, we installed towel holders next to the sink, yet for some reason, out of nowhere, I went for that towel on the fridge door without even realizing what I was doing. It was like I had been doing that every day of my life, but there had been no towel on that door for fifteen years.
Though conquerable, sexual sin is simply too easy to slip into (or back into), which is why Christ clarified where it starts – in the brain. He said that if you lust after a woman, you are committing adultery, i.e. breaking the seventh commandment. Sexual sin of any kind dulls the senses—meaning the sensitivity to sin and the Holy Spirit – which in turn tends to more sin, as sin seem less sinful to him or her. It starts in the brain, but unless converted, it doesn’t end there.
Many assume that sexual sin will resolve itself once married, but surprisingly, it more often intensifies the habit. Marriage should not be used as a resolution to sin, because self-control is still required in a marriage relationship – even more than you expect.
Both being lustful and addictive, neither pornography nor masturbation is a part of God’s plan for men or women, and both can be classified in Christ’s warning of adultery. Though Christ was speaking to men, women can also be addicted to sex or pornography. For ease of writing only, I will speak of “him” as having the addiction.
Sharing that you’ve had a pornographic history protects both you and your date. If she knows of it, she can make an educated decision about marriage, and should she decide to marry, doing so with the knowledge of a past addiction should increase her sympathy and obligation to help her husband should he lapse back into it. If a pornographic habit is either active or in the past, that information must be shared including how often, how long, and how long-ago, all before initiating any physical commitment such as that first kiss.
A habit of masturbation, like pornography, makes a spouse feel stained, cheap, betrayed, and used—again affecting both persons in the marriage, so again, this information should be shared prior to beginning a physical relationship.
One may ask, “Why would I share about an addictive past when my date may simply end it right there?” Keep in mind that you are not alone in the addiction. Being careful not to use statistics as an excuse for the sin, they do suggest that 50 percent of men both in and out of the church struggle with just pornography, not to mention other sexual sins or female statistics. The prevalence is so high that few people wouldn’t have something to share back with you, again noting that this reality is meant not to condone but to reassure that “all have sinned and come short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).
The bottom line: discovery after marriage is more likely to end a relationship than honesty up front. A happy and successful marriage means being real with each other.
Openness, no matter the news, is the only way to build a trusting relationship. This “trust” means that though you are both aware it could happen again, one’s past will not necessarily dictate his or her future. The “trust” spoken of here is also in knowing that no matter the risk, open communication will happen, that you have established a pattern of confiding, you’ve demonstrated a value of honesty in the face of adversity, and you’ve provided and received support when needed. If you have the past, you want someone you can trust to forgive you, which cannot be known without complete openness. If the relationship is meant to be, God will provide the forgiveness, healing, and security necessary for a healthy relationship, blessing you with the ability to grow together in a more mature way.
As far as dating with an active sexual addiction, we advise that you first conquer it for at least one year prior. Our "Conquering Sexual Sin" page in the appendix shares helpful articles on overcoming. Since marriage can sometimes exacerbate rather than cure an issue, a thorough understanding of the impact of sexual sin on a relationship as explained by Dwight Nelson in his video, The Bondage Breaker, is helpful in seeing the reason behind a dating-delay. May God grant you His loving grace as you begin your journey towards purity.
Abuse
Often people try to avoid memories of abuse in an attempt to erase them, all the while saying they “just let it run off” (the prerequisite for surfacing later). As painful as it might be, if you are dating and plan to marry, these feelings should not stop you from sharing this past. What happened is part of what makes you who you are, and sometimes, in this cosmic battle, we just have to balance the playing field by putting ourselves aside for another’s benefit. This is one of those times, painful as it might be.
Because early abuse can have a huge effect on marriage later, we recommend telling your date about the abuse at the appropriate time even if unready to deal with. You needn’t go into detail, go to counseling, or deal with it if you aren’t ready. Sharing this info does not mean you need to publicize anything, that you need to press charges, that it be brought to the front or made a huge part of your life now, but hiding it will create many more painful times when you do deal with it later – and that time will likely come at some point.
Sharing may seem a violation of privacy for the perpetrator, but whether the person has been prosecuted or not, he or she gave up all privacy rights when invading yours. Sadly, as part of forgiving, it isn’t uncommon for past victims to place their children in the care of known perpetrators demonstrating faith that this person has repented, yet leaving the innocent child vulnerable. Exposing the perpetrator’s identity is critical for trust within the marriage and for the safety of your future family.
Is there a sexual history that should not be shared?
No, but it isn’t necessary to share early childhood curiosity as long as it did not involve loss of virginity or develop longstanding habits. You also do not need to share a history of masturbation unless it became a habit lasting longer than a very short period of time, which then should be shared.
Guilt and Purity
The secular world teaches that consensual sex is fine, so it may be a new revelation for some that premarital sex is not in God’s plan. Often the Christian who knows this without obeying his conscience will find it difficult to get past his or her failure. Once virginity is gone, it’s gone, and it’s logical to feel guilty whether a victim or consenting partner, but purity is an altogether different matter—it’s a state of mind.
When Christ touches the heart, He promises to make us a “new creature.” Purity of mind and heart is a gift in exchange for turning the sin over to Him. It means that, by the grace of God, your mental focus has changed, yet even though we intellectually know we are forgiven, it can take years to forgive ourselves.
Guilt can have a significant impact on a long-term relationship. During the anger portion of our grieving process, we readily place blame on another for our consensual experiences. It’s so natural to say, “She enticed me” or “He was pushy.” While putting blame elsewhere, one is avoiding the responsibility in upholding God’s standard in his or her own life, and healing cannot begin.
David was a man after God’s own heart, and when rebuked by the prophet Nathan for his infidelity with Bathsheba, his immediate response was, “I have sinned” in spite of her enticing bath on the roof top. He took full responsibility before God.
Though another may be involved, if we’ve stepped out of God’s safe circle of commandments, we cannot know His forgiveness by avoiding the responsibility of our own choices and actions no matter the enticement. While holding onto anger and bitterness, we cannot move beyond the handicap of guilt. We must first accept our own human weakness by falling at the foot of the cross and giving it all to Him; we must accept Christ’s forgiveness (His purpose in dying for us) and believe His promises (I John 1:9), forgiving others for their weakness as we’d like to be forgiven (Matthew 6:12), and we must ultimately forgive ourselves. There may be no better way to start this process than asking forgiveness of the one involved.
Keep in mind that guilt can be used by Satan’s to discourage us in this cosmic battle, which is one reason he loves to see guilty feelings in an innocent victim of abuse. Guilt can create all kinds of issues that rear their ugly heads later even if you “have it all under control” now. I pray that being aware of the far reaching results will help the reader understand how important it is to be open at the appropriate time before marriage.
Most importantly, remember that “if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new" (2 Corinthians 5:17). Jesus made that promise with your purity in mind, and He will honor it.
Sexually transmitted diseases (STD)
Though certain STDs can be easily treated, some do not always show symptoms and can be contracted with just one exposure. If you have had a sexual experience, be it voluntary or through abuse, it would be a wise and kind gesture to test for HIV, Hepatitis B and C, Herpes, Chlamydia, Syphilis, and Gonorrhea prior to volunteering your physical history, so you can reassure your date of two things: 1) a cure or control, and 2) you take serious not only your own health, but his or hers. The one you care for has a right to know about STDs, but more than that, if you care about this person, you’d want them to have no surprises.
If cost is an issue, many county health departments offer free or significantly discounted testing, but either way, be sure you can offer a clean bill of health before that first kiss.
Discretion
Having no physical past yourself isn’t a reason to discuss this topic any sooner. Your assumption that he or she has no physical past to share might be incorrect, and once opened, the topic would need to be discussed. Intimate conversation makes intimate feelings, good or bad, and it’s too serious a topic to discuss early in the relationship—once again, the relationship would be upside down.
Privacy policy
As a responsible Christian, no one’s sexual history should be shared with anyone else whether you are still dating or have broken up. You may need to enlighten a friend should he or she want to date a person you know is currently sexually active – otherwise, exposing a past history would be insensitive and discrediting to both of you.
How should I react . . .
If his or her history isn’t what you hoped, the answer to this question is: don’t react or respond—not yet anyway. Speaking of the moment you are told, it’s time to just listen, share your own experience briefly or lack thereof, and quietly go home.
Indeed it may break your heart to hear this information, especially if you have kept yourself pure and untouched, but even if you have been sexually active, there may be jealousy and anxious feelings with which to deal. Allow your emotions time to deal with the heartache before you decide anything. Just keep on keepin’ on, “lightly” in the relationship but together until you work through the grieving process.
After your emotions settle a bit, you will be better able to evaluate the intellectual pros and cons of your future together without making either judgment-calls or excuses for their past choices, but it is important to do some analysis. Is he/she really repentant (often time-passed will tell)? Is a he or she making advancements towards you that could lead down the same path later? Will the issue likely resurface after wedding vows, and if so, what will be that impact on your marriage, kids, or other family members.
You can’t analyze everything immediately. You need time. You may wonder how much time is enough. Everyone is different, but to be fair to your date, you should decide within a week or two at most whether you will continue or end the relationship so as not to drag him or her along in insecurity. Should you continue in the relationship, be sure to give that verbal reassurance so he or she isn’t wondering what you’re thinking.
Should you decide to marry an individual with a past sexual addiction, it is best to discuss together what action would be taken should it return after marriage. Where we don’t want to doubt a future spouse, they too may find security in accountability, as well as an incentive to remain pure in knowing that, for example, its first return will involve counseling and working together to be supportive but a second will involve separation—or some similar plan. If not defined before, a reputable engagement counselor should be able help you with a plan.
Where you are obliged to make a judgment call about your own future and the position in which place your family, no one has the right to condemn an individual for past errors. We have all sinned. “Mercy and truth are met together; righteousness and peace have kissed each other” (Ps 85:10). Both forgiveness and trust are essential in the Christian heart and in marriage. Forgive liberally, discern carefully, and use your red and yellow flags to choose wisely.
Hmmm, speaking of kissing, now that we have all this other stuff out in the open, when do we get to do that? You are going to tell me it’s at the altar, right? Guess again . . .