Caution: Up To Date is designed to be read in a linear fashion, as each chapter builds on principles established in the previous chapters. For your best relationship success, begin with the introduction and progress chapter by chapter.
Chapter Fifteen
The Detailed Plan
“Only the Lord give thee wisdom and understanding” (I Chronicles 22:12).
You might have just scanned through the index, found this chapter and started here, but you really can’t do that. ;-) In order to understand the basics, the terminology, and the concept of the plan, you must begin at the beginning, including the introduction. Sorry . . . we wouldn't want any misunderstandings--or worse, misapplications.
So now, at this point, you are ready to date. Well, that is, after you finish reading this book. There is still some pertinent info to learn before actually asking her out, but you have prepared yourself well so far, right?
God has had people coming across your path at various times while you follow His lead, whether that be at school, in a job, or wherever you find yourself on His errand. Now what? Where does one start? Well, here we review in detail the plan for the entire dating process from beginning to end. We are finally talking dating and not prerequisites. Woo hoo!
Using this dating plan doesn’t mean you will never adapt to some varied circumstances. Many avoid planned-dating as though it is totally natural to do it right the first time - but it isn't all that natural. Many are surprised when they don’t know how to respond to a tough issue or in a confusing situation. They flounder in the midst of overwhelming emotions leaving an overpowering influence on the relationship, and are left scrambling for answers from anyone who will listen - not always a safe idea. People get hurt, life altering mistakes are made, and God’s plans are thwarted. When it is too late to recover the relationship, these distraught individuals chastise themselves for their mistakes, the most common being that of not appreciating the value of their date or holding in high esteem someone less-than-worthy of their trust. Adaptability is important, but cognitive planning is critical.
The following plan is an overall two-stage plan. Within each of these two stages the readers finds certain steps which require reaching certain goals before moving on to the next step.
Stages and steps are two different things. Don’t be confused. No problem! It really isn't complicated.
Stage one: dating/courting
This is the discovery phase, the time to get to know each other's personality, have fun, and figure out how to mix and work with what you will discovered about each other during the three steps below.
Goal for Stage One: establish not only what draws you together but also what keeps you together . . . intellectual, spiritual and emotional.
will consider a permanent relationship (marriage). During this time, keep it light. Learn how to have fun together. Once you begin the working phases, the rest of your life will seem to focus around that work to a certain extent.
Many people wish their childhood away. They want to become “an adult” all too soon, leaving behind a relative carefree
existence in echange for heavy responsibilities. Avoid this urgency when dating. Enjoy simple innocence and healthy fun. During this time, reaffirm your interest verbally and frequently (weekly) so no one feels insecure. Bestow
consistent reassurance and affirmation, but avoid flattery.
This is not the time to start talking about marriage and asking a thousand questions. Rather, it’s the time for informal
learning and having fun. There are many good reasons for keeping this time light. Avoid interrogations, picking and prying. Instead, observe (the operative word) how he or she will mesh with your values and interests.
Goal for Step One: Have fun. Get used to being comfortable around each other without feeling anxious or worried. In other words, develop
trust in each other. Oh, and did I mention that you should have fun?
Start melding ideas and plans together (with the guy leading the planning part). Start ever so subtly asking those key
questions so you can see if the last year of his or her life adds up to what they profess. Start defining roles not previously
discussed. Do you find that you can you work together and communicate effectively on a deeper intellectual level particularily
in the areas where you do not agree?
As yet, the words “I love you” should not have fallen from your lips, either intentionally or accidentally. You can affirm each
other but don’t say the word "love". If you haven’t begun holding hands, start now. Slowly begin a physical relationship, setting boundaries and planning accountability to each other and to God. Be sure to read the rest of this book before actually
implementing any of Step Two. ;-)
Goal for Step Two: develop a comfortable working and discovery phase, without sharing feelings, while still taking time to have fun. Initiate a physical relationship.
Now that you trust that you will not be judged, step three is all about sharing your innermost feelings. The “feelings”
referenced here is speaking of your heart responses to life, to your best friend’s reprimand, the job transfer, or the admonition given by the pastor. You transition from being mostly intellectual to now showing and sharing more of your emotions than
before.
Here you are going emotionally deep—really deep—but very slowly, being affirmed in your emotions before sharing more. By about two years of dating, all mental, spiritual and emotional “deepness” that can be done for today will be done.
You should be completely comfortable sharing your innermost secret goals and ideas of life and eternity along with your
feelings about those things without fear of reprisal or mockery. You do not have to agree on everything, but you must be
comfortable that your thoughts and ideas are accepted. Affirming each other often should be natural by now. A person can only open up if they are readily affirmed in the relationship and can trust a non-judgmental attitude.
Do not be surprised to struggle a bit here. Opening up can be difficult, especially if you have had some experience in the past where your trust has been violated. It is also difficult for guys because they may not feel adept at expressing emotions and
for girls because their emotions might seem silly to them, much less to a guy. Guys are more goal-oriented and girls are
process-oriented, so sometimes it is much easier for a guy to jump through these phases more quickly, but a girl may need a
lot of time to see that this guy is truly trustworthy before making herself vulnerable.
Emotional deepness should not be present in any previous steps, but it must occur at some point before engagement—that’s
now. If all of this isn’t happening, do not move forward. Keeping working and remember to have some fun. All work and no
play will signal the end, for sure.
At this point you should have known him or her for about two and a half years and have a decent clue about your “intended’s” faults, including the areas they need support. You should be able to admit your faults and be able to ask and accept support. You should know you are meant for each other based on characteristics, emotional and intellectual processes combined with
prayer. Emotional affection is the icing on the cake, but it should be there—in droves.
Now, after careful consideration and once you are absolutely sure that you will take the next step, you may deliberately and
intentionally share the verbal expression of your undying love to your girlfriend. It must be undying before you risk saying
those words. There is still time to turn back, but if turning back is crossing your mind in any way, do not say the word “love”
even if you are in the right place and time to do so. And as said before, this first declaration of love is the man’s role, with very good reason.
Goal for Step Three: Mental, spiritual, and emotional oneness—(ahem) . . . but not physical oneness.
Stage two: engagement (from the twenty-second month to the twenty-sixth or perhaps the twenty-eighth month).
Please start stage two by proposing—after you ask Dad’s permission, of course. If you are still working on any of these goals, you won't want to begin this stage yet. Engagement is for after that decision has been made and before you tie the knot. Oh, and remember that the time defined here is fairly short. If you’ve noticed, we believe in a long courtship and a short engagement—again going retro to bring back those retro marriage statistics. There was a reason why they did things the way they did years ago.
Stage two goal: Plan a wedding and stay together in the process—unless of course you see a yellow or red flag. (I always have to throw in a damper, eh?) Oh, and did I mention you need to have fun. ;-)
Stage three: wedding (after knowing him or her for two and a half to three years).
The last two weeks of engagement and an overview of marriage is covered in my next book, Updated. Trust me . . . you will want this info, but because I felt it was not for the eyes or ears of those who are not within a few weeks of marriage, I chose to separate the books to discourage jumping ahead.
Goal for Stage Three: live happily ever after!
Oh, sorry! I timed that wrong and jumped to the end of the book. Timing is everything! And in order to live happily ever after, timing is important, but how important is it? Important enough to devote an entire chapter to the timely subject? The time has come . . . read on!
The Detailed Plan
“Only the Lord give thee wisdom and understanding” (I Chronicles 22:12).
You might have just scanned through the index, found this chapter and started here, but you really can’t do that. ;-) In order to understand the basics, the terminology, and the concept of the plan, you must begin at the beginning, including the introduction. Sorry . . . we wouldn't want any misunderstandings--or worse, misapplications.
So now, at this point, you are ready to date. Well, that is, after you finish reading this book. There is still some pertinent info to learn before actually asking her out, but you have prepared yourself well so far, right?
God has had people coming across your path at various times while you follow His lead, whether that be at school, in a job, or wherever you find yourself on His errand. Now what? Where does one start? Well, here we review in detail the plan for the entire dating process from beginning to end. We are finally talking dating and not prerequisites. Woo hoo!
Using this dating plan doesn’t mean you will never adapt to some varied circumstances. Many avoid planned-dating as though it is totally natural to do it right the first time - but it isn't all that natural. Many are surprised when they don’t know how to respond to a tough issue or in a confusing situation. They flounder in the midst of overwhelming emotions leaving an overpowering influence on the relationship, and are left scrambling for answers from anyone who will listen - not always a safe idea. People get hurt, life altering mistakes are made, and God’s plans are thwarted. When it is too late to recover the relationship, these distraught individuals chastise themselves for their mistakes, the most common being that of not appreciating the value of their date or holding in high esteem someone less-than-worthy of their trust. Adaptability is important, but cognitive planning is critical.
The following plan is an overall two-stage plan. Within each of these two stages the readers finds certain steps which require reaching certain goals before moving on to the next step.
Stages and steps are two different things. Don’t be confused. No problem! It really isn't complicated.
Stage one: dating/courting
This is the discovery phase, the time to get to know each other's personality, have fun, and figure out how to mix and work with what you will discovered about each other during the three steps below.
Goal for Stage One: establish not only what draws you together but also what keeps you together . . . intellectual, spiritual and emotional.
- Step one: early courting (the first twelve months of dating)
will consider a permanent relationship (marriage). During this time, keep it light. Learn how to have fun together. Once you begin the working phases, the rest of your life will seem to focus around that work to a certain extent.
Many people wish their childhood away. They want to become “an adult” all too soon, leaving behind a relative carefree
existence in echange for heavy responsibilities. Avoid this urgency when dating. Enjoy simple innocence and healthy fun. During this time, reaffirm your interest verbally and frequently (weekly) so no one feels insecure. Bestow
consistent reassurance and affirmation, but avoid flattery.
This is not the time to start talking about marriage and asking a thousand questions. Rather, it’s the time for informal
learning and having fun. There are many good reasons for keeping this time light. Avoid interrogations, picking and prying. Instead, observe (the operative word) how he or she will mesh with your values and interests.
Goal for Step One: Have fun. Get used to being comfortable around each other without feeling anxious or worried. In other words, develop
trust in each other. Oh, and did I mention that you should have fun?
- Step two: middle courting (twelve to eighteen months)
Start melding ideas and plans together (with the guy leading the planning part). Start ever so subtly asking those key
questions so you can see if the last year of his or her life adds up to what they profess. Start defining roles not previously
discussed. Do you find that you can you work together and communicate effectively on a deeper intellectual level particularily
in the areas where you do not agree?
As yet, the words “I love you” should not have fallen from your lips, either intentionally or accidentally. You can affirm each
other but don’t say the word "love". If you haven’t begun holding hands, start now. Slowly begin a physical relationship, setting boundaries and planning accountability to each other and to God. Be sure to read the rest of this book before actually
implementing any of Step Two. ;-)
Goal for Step Two: develop a comfortable working and discovery phase, without sharing feelings, while still taking time to have fun. Initiate a physical relationship.
- Step Tree: late courting (eighteen to twenty-two months)
Now that you trust that you will not be judged, step three is all about sharing your innermost feelings. The “feelings”
referenced here is speaking of your heart responses to life, to your best friend’s reprimand, the job transfer, or the admonition given by the pastor. You transition from being mostly intellectual to now showing and sharing more of your emotions than
before.
Here you are going emotionally deep—really deep—but very slowly, being affirmed in your emotions before sharing more. By about two years of dating, all mental, spiritual and emotional “deepness” that can be done for today will be done.
You should be completely comfortable sharing your innermost secret goals and ideas of life and eternity along with your
feelings about those things without fear of reprisal or mockery. You do not have to agree on everything, but you must be
comfortable that your thoughts and ideas are accepted. Affirming each other often should be natural by now. A person can only open up if they are readily affirmed in the relationship and can trust a non-judgmental attitude.
Do not be surprised to struggle a bit here. Opening up can be difficult, especially if you have had some experience in the past where your trust has been violated. It is also difficult for guys because they may not feel adept at expressing emotions and
for girls because their emotions might seem silly to them, much less to a guy. Guys are more goal-oriented and girls are
process-oriented, so sometimes it is much easier for a guy to jump through these phases more quickly, but a girl may need a
lot of time to see that this guy is truly trustworthy before making herself vulnerable.
Emotional deepness should not be present in any previous steps, but it must occur at some point before engagement—that’s
now. If all of this isn’t happening, do not move forward. Keeping working and remember to have some fun. All work and no
play will signal the end, for sure.
At this point you should have known him or her for about two and a half years and have a decent clue about your “intended’s” faults, including the areas they need support. You should be able to admit your faults and be able to ask and accept support. You should know you are meant for each other based on characteristics, emotional and intellectual processes combined with
prayer. Emotional affection is the icing on the cake, but it should be there—in droves.
Now, after careful consideration and once you are absolutely sure that you will take the next step, you may deliberately and
intentionally share the verbal expression of your undying love to your girlfriend. It must be undying before you risk saying
those words. There is still time to turn back, but if turning back is crossing your mind in any way, do not say the word “love”
even if you are in the right place and time to do so. And as said before, this first declaration of love is the man’s role, with very good reason.
Goal for Step Three: Mental, spiritual, and emotional oneness—(ahem) . . . but not physical oneness.
Stage two: engagement (from the twenty-second month to the twenty-sixth or perhaps the twenty-eighth month).
Please start stage two by proposing—after you ask Dad’s permission, of course. If you are still working on any of these goals, you won't want to begin this stage yet. Engagement is for after that decision has been made and before you tie the knot. Oh, and remember that the time defined here is fairly short. If you’ve noticed, we believe in a long courtship and a short engagement—again going retro to bring back those retro marriage statistics. There was a reason why they did things the way they did years ago.
Stage two goal: Plan a wedding and stay together in the process—unless of course you see a yellow or red flag. (I always have to throw in a damper, eh?) Oh, and did I mention you need to have fun. ;-)
Stage three: wedding (after knowing him or her for two and a half to three years).
The last two weeks of engagement and an overview of marriage is covered in my next book, Updated. Trust me . . . you will want this info, but because I felt it was not for the eyes or ears of those who are not within a few weeks of marriage, I chose to separate the books to discourage jumping ahead.
Goal for Stage Three: live happily ever after!
Oh, sorry! I timed that wrong and jumped to the end of the book. Timing is everything! And in order to live happily ever after, timing is important, but how important is it? Important enough to devote an entire chapter to the timely subject? The time has come . . . read on!