Chapter Twenty
Breaking News: Congrats and . . . You Can’t Be Serious?!
“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee” (Isaiah 26:3).
“Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation.
Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is what others think you are.”1
“There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.”
You are excited about this new relationship but may feel a bit awkward about being in the lime light. Of course, your parents know, and her parents know, and if they are excited about it—soon everyone will know. Where you don’t need to make a big announcement – you only dating, not marrying – it is a nice gesture to tell your friends and family so they aren’t guessing.
Most people will be happy when they hear the news, but you may be surprised. Some will disapprove and some will question—guaranteed. Responding to those who disapprove can be challenging for two reasons: 1) they often don’t appear happy and 2) though few want to hear it, they just might be right. Often people disapprove for no other reason than they had someone “better” in mind, but if someone risks sharing their disapproval, which is not always easy, you owe them a respectful listening. How you respond will determine your future not only with your new date but also with the critic.
When Don’s best friend, Devon, heard that Don was dating Megan, he expressed complete shock and disapproval. You see, Megan was a bit chunky, quiet, and “invisible.” Devon was quite popular. He hung out with the prettiest, most popular girls. Why would anyone date a girl who didn’t fit into his category? He was baffled and expressed his displeasure of Don’s choice in no uncertain terms even though he was Don’s “best” friend. The biggest blow was when Don found out that even their pastor disapproved.
When Joel began dating Jennifer, at least one person questioned his choice. They were a great match in so many ways, except that Joel was clearly called to the pastorate, and Jennifer, a quiet and shy girl, unbeknownst to Joel had mentioned quite adamantly to this friend that she would never be a pastor’s wife.
Note: Should a mentor, or critic, read this book, some suggestions on how to nurture individuals with whom their choices cause you to worry can be found by clicking on this link: “To Those in the Observation Towers.”
So how do you as a “dater” handle people, their opinions, and your own emotions as they discredit your “datee”? As mentioned many times before, expectation and proper preparation are the keys to success. Begin by realizing that these sentiments will come from those whom you least expect.
It takes a sincere Christ-like character to act instead of react when someone you care about just “attacked” your date, which reflects on you as well. Rule number one is: don’t panic! And as the author’s husband so eloquently puts it, “rule number two is to remember rule number one.” Depending on the issue, you may need to do some investigation, ask some questions without assumption or accusation, and be open minded. These steps are discussed later. For now, consider negative reports as nothing until proven to be something, and remember, “There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” Their concern, valid or not, indicates that you are important to them. If you can recognize this truth and respond in love, relationships can only be strengthened as you work through this process.
In chapter twenty-nine, we will learn that the first key to handling any conflict is to acknowledge feelings: “Yes, I see your concern. Thank you for sharing with me.” It’s best to initially stay neutral about their reports and critically important to avoid defensiveness. Expounding on what you appreciate about your date should be left until another time lest you appear defensive or to disregard the concern. Where you want to acknowledge their feelings, you need not feel compelled to defend your dating choice to them. Instead, gently probe them to share their motives, as well as what they hope to accomplish – a break up, express caution, or just give advice. “Gently” is a key word – respectfully, tactfully. Let them know you will ponder their concerns with an open mind, and get back to them, and then follow up as promised.
Following are some respectful responses to personality or relational concerns. For personality issues such as chewing finger nails or excessive prattling, an appropriate response might be, “Thank you for your concern. We can’t know if we don’t try. We are willing to let God lead and would appreciate your prayers.” If the concern is relational or interactive such as attention seeking or mildly flirtatious, you may respond with, “Thank you, yes, I’ve noticed that (if you have). Let’s watch to see if the security from our relationship changes anything.” However, if it’s a matter of values, your response and follow up will require a bit more.
With matters of personal values or ethics, such as an alleged sexual affair, thank them for the information and assure them that you will look into the situation. It is in your best interest, and that of your date, to get back to them as to your conclusion, which need be no more than, “I found it to be untrue” or “the issue is resolved in my mind.” It is unnecessary, and likely disrespectful to your date, to expose any more detail. The one exception is if the concerned party is your parents, with whom you will want to be fully open.
Respectfully acknowledging any person’s concern, investigating all complaints while thoroughly contemplating their advice, and following up as promised, represents your decision making patterns as credible – past, present, or future – that you haven’t initiated this relationship on a whim. This, alone, may be enough to ease their concern about your future.
The one most difficult discretion is whether or not to share these concerns with your date. Though the author is a serious proponent of open communication, the dating relationship is still in its early stages and complete openness is not yet fully required or prudent. Sharing this information could interfere with potentially critical investigations. It will hurt feelings and damage other relationships, often unnecessarily, especially if the concerned individual’s opinion changes after explanation or investigation. The author recommends that in the best interest of all parties, these things remain in your heart alone.
Do you wonder what happened with Don and Megan? When they became engaged, they chose their disapproving pastor to counsel them, during which time the minister realized he had misjudged Megan. Their decision to respect the pastor’s concern and seek his counsel was the vindicating factor for Megan. Don and Megan married, a wedding over which the pastor felt honored to preside, and they lived happily ever after.
Joel and Jennifer weren’t so blessed – or maybe they were. Though their concerned friend mentored Jennifer in hopes that she might adjust to the idea of being a pastor’s wife, Jennifer just could not wrap her mind around it. She and Joel broke up. Though Joel wasn’t aware of the concern when initiating the relationship, and though breaking up was inevitable is he were to follow his call to the ministry, they can both rest assured in knowing that every effort was put forth, and their friends concern showed the most sincere devotion. They were blessed.
At this point you might wonder how to verify whether the expressed concerns are valid. Your future depends on knowing the truth. There is so much more to learn, and we will continue to guide you through the process in the next chapter. You are getting the right idea, though. It’s all about communication, but not the kind you think . . . .
In the mean time, congratulations! Woohoo! We are excited for you and your new date.
1, 2 http://quotes-motivational- inspiration.blogspot.com.
Breaking News: Congrats and . . . You Can’t Be Serious?!
“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee” (Isaiah 26:3).
“Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation.
Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is what others think you are.”1
“There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.”
You are excited about this new relationship but may feel a bit awkward about being in the lime light. Of course, your parents know, and her parents know, and if they are excited about it—soon everyone will know. Where you don’t need to make a big announcement – you only dating, not marrying – it is a nice gesture to tell your friends and family so they aren’t guessing.
Most people will be happy when they hear the news, but you may be surprised. Some will disapprove and some will question—guaranteed. Responding to those who disapprove can be challenging for two reasons: 1) they often don’t appear happy and 2) though few want to hear it, they just might be right. Often people disapprove for no other reason than they had someone “better” in mind, but if someone risks sharing their disapproval, which is not always easy, you owe them a respectful listening. How you respond will determine your future not only with your new date but also with the critic.
When Don’s best friend, Devon, heard that Don was dating Megan, he expressed complete shock and disapproval. You see, Megan was a bit chunky, quiet, and “invisible.” Devon was quite popular. He hung out with the prettiest, most popular girls. Why would anyone date a girl who didn’t fit into his category? He was baffled and expressed his displeasure of Don’s choice in no uncertain terms even though he was Don’s “best” friend. The biggest blow was when Don found out that even their pastor disapproved.
When Joel began dating Jennifer, at least one person questioned his choice. They were a great match in so many ways, except that Joel was clearly called to the pastorate, and Jennifer, a quiet and shy girl, unbeknownst to Joel had mentioned quite adamantly to this friend that she would never be a pastor’s wife.
Note: Should a mentor, or critic, read this book, some suggestions on how to nurture individuals with whom their choices cause you to worry can be found by clicking on this link: “To Those in the Observation Towers.”
So how do you as a “dater” handle people, their opinions, and your own emotions as they discredit your “datee”? As mentioned many times before, expectation and proper preparation are the keys to success. Begin by realizing that these sentiments will come from those whom you least expect.
It takes a sincere Christ-like character to act instead of react when someone you care about just “attacked” your date, which reflects on you as well. Rule number one is: don’t panic! And as the author’s husband so eloquently puts it, “rule number two is to remember rule number one.” Depending on the issue, you may need to do some investigation, ask some questions without assumption or accusation, and be open minded. These steps are discussed later. For now, consider negative reports as nothing until proven to be something, and remember, “There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” Their concern, valid or not, indicates that you are important to them. If you can recognize this truth and respond in love, relationships can only be strengthened as you work through this process.
In chapter twenty-nine, we will learn that the first key to handling any conflict is to acknowledge feelings: “Yes, I see your concern. Thank you for sharing with me.” It’s best to initially stay neutral about their reports and critically important to avoid defensiveness. Expounding on what you appreciate about your date should be left until another time lest you appear defensive or to disregard the concern. Where you want to acknowledge their feelings, you need not feel compelled to defend your dating choice to them. Instead, gently probe them to share their motives, as well as what they hope to accomplish – a break up, express caution, or just give advice. “Gently” is a key word – respectfully, tactfully. Let them know you will ponder their concerns with an open mind, and get back to them, and then follow up as promised.
Following are some respectful responses to personality or relational concerns. For personality issues such as chewing finger nails or excessive prattling, an appropriate response might be, “Thank you for your concern. We can’t know if we don’t try. We are willing to let God lead and would appreciate your prayers.” If the concern is relational or interactive such as attention seeking or mildly flirtatious, you may respond with, “Thank you, yes, I’ve noticed that (if you have). Let’s watch to see if the security from our relationship changes anything.” However, if it’s a matter of values, your response and follow up will require a bit more.
With matters of personal values or ethics, such as an alleged sexual affair, thank them for the information and assure them that you will look into the situation. It is in your best interest, and that of your date, to get back to them as to your conclusion, which need be no more than, “I found it to be untrue” or “the issue is resolved in my mind.” It is unnecessary, and likely disrespectful to your date, to expose any more detail. The one exception is if the concerned party is your parents, with whom you will want to be fully open.
Respectfully acknowledging any person’s concern, investigating all complaints while thoroughly contemplating their advice, and following up as promised, represents your decision making patterns as credible – past, present, or future – that you haven’t initiated this relationship on a whim. This, alone, may be enough to ease their concern about your future.
The one most difficult discretion is whether or not to share these concerns with your date. Though the author is a serious proponent of open communication, the dating relationship is still in its early stages and complete openness is not yet fully required or prudent. Sharing this information could interfere with potentially critical investigations. It will hurt feelings and damage other relationships, often unnecessarily, especially if the concerned individual’s opinion changes after explanation or investigation. The author recommends that in the best interest of all parties, these things remain in your heart alone.
Do you wonder what happened with Don and Megan? When they became engaged, they chose their disapproving pastor to counsel them, during which time the minister realized he had misjudged Megan. Their decision to respect the pastor’s concern and seek his counsel was the vindicating factor for Megan. Don and Megan married, a wedding over which the pastor felt honored to preside, and they lived happily ever after.
Joel and Jennifer weren’t so blessed – or maybe they were. Though their concerned friend mentored Jennifer in hopes that she might adjust to the idea of being a pastor’s wife, Jennifer just could not wrap her mind around it. She and Joel broke up. Though Joel wasn’t aware of the concern when initiating the relationship, and though breaking up was inevitable is he were to follow his call to the ministry, they can both rest assured in knowing that every effort was put forth, and their friends concern showed the most sincere devotion. They were blessed.
At this point you might wonder how to verify whether the expressed concerns are valid. Your future depends on knowing the truth. There is so much more to learn, and we will continue to guide you through the process in the next chapter. You are getting the right idea, though. It’s all about communication, but not the kind you think . . . .
In the mean time, congratulations! Woohoo! We are excited for you and your new date.
1, 2 http://quotes-motivational- inspiration.blogspot.com.