Caution: Up To Date is designed to be read in a linear fashion, as each chapter builds on principles established in the previous chapters. For your best relationship success, begin with the introduction and progress chapter by chapter.
Chapter Thirteen
Essential Resources—Be a Minimalist
"Be not wise in your own conceits" (Romans 12:16).
"Long-range planning does not deal with future decisions. It deals with the future of present decisions."
Have you ever noticed that at the end of most books there is a resource page . . . that lists about forty-five books? Does anyone get overwhelmed with that other than me? I have never picked up a book listed on such a page. I just can’t decide which one to pick up first. What I miss because there are just way too many choices.
I’d love to say that I have all the answers here in this book. Truth is, there is just too much involved in relationships to put it all in one book. It isn’t complicated; it’s just a lot. As it is, I have cut a lot out of this book that might be helpful but is just not a big part of the dating plan. However, now is as good a time as ever to know about books that you will want to read. So following, I list four must-read books (or sets of books) and an optional one or two. These books are as follows: Love and Respect, The Five Love Languages, Letters to Karen / Letters to Philip, and For Women Only / For Men Only.
The Love Books: The first books you need to read are Love and Respect and The Five Love Languages. The former book explains the difference in each gender’s expression and expectations of love, and the latter explains the difference between each individual’s expression and expectations of love. Understanding the expression of love in all realms should be engrained about the time you are born—or at the latest, when you are born again. When a gesture of love is misunderstood and misapplied, a very good intention can be turned into an insult becoming offensive to both individuals. Not too many relationships can be happy in this state of constant ignorance and misconception. It completely destroys the giver of love, both in their own self-confidence and the confidence in his or her loved one. Understanding love expressions and expectations is a must for successful dating and marriage, and a blessing in any relationship, be it with parents, siblings, extended relates, church friends, or anyone with whom you associate.
The Letters Books:Prior to dating you will want to read Letters to Phillip and/or Letters to Karen, respective of your gender – not necessarily both books. The Letters pair presents relationship information from the prospective of both genders, an angle we often forget to analyze in our world of feministic revolution. They are a fun-read even though they were written in the sixties (yep, going retro, here.). You will glean an incredible amount of information about nurturing relationships and common courtesies that young people of this generation haven’t had the opportunity to learn.
Read this book (or these books) as soon as possible and then at two months before the wedding, six months after, and again yearly. You will be amazed how the hustle and bustle of life causes neglect of the skills learned, especially after working hard for a year or two at blending two lives. Refresh your romance with these books, but for the best success, learn before the romance even buds.
The Men/Women Only Books:We recommend reading this pair just before or right after the wedding, For Men Only and/or its counterpart For Women Only, respectively. The information in these books is not necessarily essential to a dating relationship if you have read the other books listed. The important thing here is that you must read For Women/Men Only before your six-month anniversary. It should be read again and again throughout marriage. Jeff and Shaunti’s books are awesome, fun to read, and so gender savvy that they even put a quick-guide in front of the men’s book. This set of books is invaluable to any couple.
Other resources: It is often routine for premarital counseling to include about a "million" books. I believe this is way too overwhelming. They rarely read them – or no more than a couple of them. These two people are planning a wedding, still dating since it never ends, trying to make everyone else happy, and still supporting themselves during the process. When are they going to have time to read all those books? Even the small number of resources listed here is a lot of reading, but it is do-able. Keep our recommended books in your bookshelf and consult them, not just if the relationship is miserable but to keep the relationship from getting miserable. If there is the slightest issue aside from what to eat for lunch, pull them out. But as for new material right now, I recommend these only, that’s all, and no more. Sometimes overdoing it with relationship books can foster such over-analysis that you take all the fun out of it and then things get really messed up. Trust me, we’ve seen it. Be a minimalist.
Of the books that are routinely given to engaged couples, I don’t recommend His Needs, Her Needs as part of premarital counseling. This statement will shock many people who know this excellent book with its awesome and very real concepts of affair prevention, but I contend that it is too serious a book to digest during the throws of new love, while dating or engaged. It is meant for affair prevention. If you have both read the above-recommended books and applied the principles unselfishly to heart and mind, all needs will be met and affairs are not likely. If this issue comes up during engagement, the only safe option is to break up – not read a book. The excellent concept of making "bank deposits" to our emotional bank account comes from this book, so if you are feeling unfulfilled in your relationship, even slightly, or if you find yourself having any consistent issues with your spouse, by all means read it sooner than later.
As unhappy a chore as it is, I must point out that some people look for more and more marriage material either because they believe marriage has to be really, really complicated and the simple books just don’t make it hard enough, they don’t want to apply the principles in the books they have read, or want resources that justify perceived "needs" or certain behaviors. If you look long enough, you can find justification for just about anything you want to say or do, but that doesn’t make it authoritative or biblical. An occasional evaluation of motives is always a benefit.
Finally, since the practical application of courtesy and relationship skills can be tough in a busy world, I recommend a book called Boundaries. Amazingly, it talks about . . . setting boundaries. If you find yourself too overwhelmed with too many demands from either internal or external sources, you will want to add this book to your library. It’s written for those who routinely overwhelm themselves by doing good things, and it teaches the skill of when and how say "no" without experiencing overwhelming guilt. Many might benefit from reading this book before marriage just so they have the time to date. The organization and communication skills gained can certainly add to the success of marriage. It’s a great book – saved my life.
After thirty years of marriage and many more years of observing both success and failure in dating, marrying and un-marrying, we are sure the above mentioned resources, along with Up To Date, have all the information you need to be forever happy in a godly marriage. The effort with which you apply that information determines your personal success. Of course, daily Bible reading connects us to the greatest source of power for success in every aspect of life and love.
We suggest the reader begin with Five Love Languages, Love and Respect, then Letters to Philip/Letters to Karen, followed by For Men Only/For Women Only, considering Boundaries if you need.
Learning, understanding, and applying the behaviors and principles in these books will make you worthy of dating, but who, then, is worthy of your attention. That's a whole 'nother question . . .
Essential Resources—Be a Minimalist
"Be not wise in your own conceits" (Romans 12:16).
"Long-range planning does not deal with future decisions. It deals with the future of present decisions."
Have you ever noticed that at the end of most books there is a resource page . . . that lists about forty-five books? Does anyone get overwhelmed with that other than me? I have never picked up a book listed on such a page. I just can’t decide which one to pick up first. What I miss because there are just way too many choices.
I’d love to say that I have all the answers here in this book. Truth is, there is just too much involved in relationships to put it all in one book. It isn’t complicated; it’s just a lot. As it is, I have cut a lot out of this book that might be helpful but is just not a big part of the dating plan. However, now is as good a time as ever to know about books that you will want to read. So following, I list four must-read books (or sets of books) and an optional one or two. These books are as follows: Love and Respect, The Five Love Languages, Letters to Karen / Letters to Philip, and For Women Only / For Men Only.
The Love Books: The first books you need to read are Love and Respect and The Five Love Languages. The former book explains the difference in each gender’s expression and expectations of love, and the latter explains the difference between each individual’s expression and expectations of love. Understanding the expression of love in all realms should be engrained about the time you are born—or at the latest, when you are born again. When a gesture of love is misunderstood and misapplied, a very good intention can be turned into an insult becoming offensive to both individuals. Not too many relationships can be happy in this state of constant ignorance and misconception. It completely destroys the giver of love, both in their own self-confidence and the confidence in his or her loved one. Understanding love expressions and expectations is a must for successful dating and marriage, and a blessing in any relationship, be it with parents, siblings, extended relates, church friends, or anyone with whom you associate.
The Letters Books:Prior to dating you will want to read Letters to Phillip and/or Letters to Karen, respective of your gender – not necessarily both books. The Letters pair presents relationship information from the prospective of both genders, an angle we often forget to analyze in our world of feministic revolution. They are a fun-read even though they were written in the sixties (yep, going retro, here.). You will glean an incredible amount of information about nurturing relationships and common courtesies that young people of this generation haven’t had the opportunity to learn.
Read this book (or these books) as soon as possible and then at two months before the wedding, six months after, and again yearly. You will be amazed how the hustle and bustle of life causes neglect of the skills learned, especially after working hard for a year or two at blending two lives. Refresh your romance with these books, but for the best success, learn before the romance even buds.
The Men/Women Only Books:We recommend reading this pair just before or right after the wedding, For Men Only and/or its counterpart For Women Only, respectively. The information in these books is not necessarily essential to a dating relationship if you have read the other books listed. The important thing here is that you must read For Women/Men Only before your six-month anniversary. It should be read again and again throughout marriage. Jeff and Shaunti’s books are awesome, fun to read, and so gender savvy that they even put a quick-guide in front of the men’s book. This set of books is invaluable to any couple.
Other resources: It is often routine for premarital counseling to include about a "million" books. I believe this is way too overwhelming. They rarely read them – or no more than a couple of them. These two people are planning a wedding, still dating since it never ends, trying to make everyone else happy, and still supporting themselves during the process. When are they going to have time to read all those books? Even the small number of resources listed here is a lot of reading, but it is do-able. Keep our recommended books in your bookshelf and consult them, not just if the relationship is miserable but to keep the relationship from getting miserable. If there is the slightest issue aside from what to eat for lunch, pull them out. But as for new material right now, I recommend these only, that’s all, and no more. Sometimes overdoing it with relationship books can foster such over-analysis that you take all the fun out of it and then things get really messed up. Trust me, we’ve seen it. Be a minimalist.
Of the books that are routinely given to engaged couples, I don’t recommend His Needs, Her Needs as part of premarital counseling. This statement will shock many people who know this excellent book with its awesome and very real concepts of affair prevention, but I contend that it is too serious a book to digest during the throws of new love, while dating or engaged. It is meant for affair prevention. If you have both read the above-recommended books and applied the principles unselfishly to heart and mind, all needs will be met and affairs are not likely. If this issue comes up during engagement, the only safe option is to break up – not read a book. The excellent concept of making "bank deposits" to our emotional bank account comes from this book, so if you are feeling unfulfilled in your relationship, even slightly, or if you find yourself having any consistent issues with your spouse, by all means read it sooner than later.
As unhappy a chore as it is, I must point out that some people look for more and more marriage material either because they believe marriage has to be really, really complicated and the simple books just don’t make it hard enough, they don’t want to apply the principles in the books they have read, or want resources that justify perceived "needs" or certain behaviors. If you look long enough, you can find justification for just about anything you want to say or do, but that doesn’t make it authoritative or biblical. An occasional evaluation of motives is always a benefit.
Finally, since the practical application of courtesy and relationship skills can be tough in a busy world, I recommend a book called Boundaries. Amazingly, it talks about . . . setting boundaries. If you find yourself too overwhelmed with too many demands from either internal or external sources, you will want to add this book to your library. It’s written for those who routinely overwhelm themselves by doing good things, and it teaches the skill of when and how say "no" without experiencing overwhelming guilt. Many might benefit from reading this book before marriage just so they have the time to date. The organization and communication skills gained can certainly add to the success of marriage. It’s a great book – saved my life.
After thirty years of marriage and many more years of observing both success and failure in dating, marrying and un-marrying, we are sure the above mentioned resources, along with Up To Date, have all the information you need to be forever happy in a godly marriage. The effort with which you apply that information determines your personal success. Of course, daily Bible reading connects us to the greatest source of power for success in every aspect of life and love.
We suggest the reader begin with Five Love Languages, Love and Respect, then Letters to Philip/Letters to Karen, followed by For Men Only/For Women Only, considering Boundaries if you need.
Learning, understanding, and applying the behaviors and principles in these books will make you worthy of dating, but who, then, is worthy of your attention. That's a whole 'nother question . . .