Caution: Up To Date is designed to be read in a linear fashion, as each chapter builds on principles established in the previous chapters. For your best relationship success, begin with the introduction and progress chapter by chapter.
Chapter Twenty-seven
Separation Anxiety
Separation Anxiety
“Why is my pain perpetual, and my wound incurable, which refuseth to be healed?” (Jeremiah 15:18)
“People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out,
but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”
“People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out,
but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”
Sarah was sixteen years old. Her last date, John, had “played” her against her roommate and he lost. Though they weren’t in a formal relationship, they had hung-out, worked together, and seemed to enjoy each other. Wooing was happening. Now he was history, and she was tired – tired of the insincerity, the leading-on, and the games. It just seemed time to stop this foolishness and either avoid dating or date that “one,” but who was he? Tears fell, less for John, than for the one she didn’t know.
Why does breaking-up have to be so painful? It doesn’t seem to matter if you are on the initiating or receiving end, it’s just painful. And pain fosters questions—questioning God, others, ourselves, and sometimes even life in general.
The first normal reaction is to second guess your own decision.
Many things may prompt this doubt. You might question if he or she was the right one, and you blew it by breaking-up. If your decision was based on flags, as difficult as it is, you will not want to allow your intellect to follow your feelings. Your emotions will still question even when you were correct in breaking-up. Be aware that you will have to fight that battle.
The next most common question is for God – “Why?”
If you can see a few positive outcomes or goals accomplished in the process, it makes breaking-ups a bit easier. These goals may not be yours, but they could be God’s goals for you.
The most obvious reason God allows painful experiences is for character growth, to refine and educate us to be the right person for our future spouse. Maybe your future spouse doesn’t have the ability to teach you what you learned here, and Praise God, He knows that some things are just better learned on someone other than the one we marry.
The second reason God might allow a painful relationship, besides a learning experience, is to take up your time. Perhaps the one God has in mind for you wasn’t quite ready for you yet. Of course, your time must be taken with someone you can learn from but who does not work out, or you won’t be single when the real one is ready. This may not be much consolation in a break up, but God has a plan.
It’s often helpful when looking for answers to understand the Kübler-Ross model, or The Five Stages of Grief, which describes the process we all go through at varying levels with any loss—big or small, from the closing of our favorite smoothie stand to the death of a loved one . . . or following a break up.
Paraphrased stages of this model, as it applies to break-ups, are as follows:
1. Denial: “He will come back. It’s not really happening. Maybe it’s just a test.”
2. Anger: “I should have seen it coming. Remember when he did thus and such. I should have known. Why did he treat me this way?”
3. Bargaining: “Just give me one more chance, and I will do better.”
4. Depression: “I don’t want to live if I can’t be his girlfriend.”
5. Acceptance: “He (or she) is going a different direction. I guess I just have to get on with life.”
Notice that all these stages are feelings or a state of mind, and do not always follow in perfect succession.
People will often move back and forth between them.
The grieving process is not just one-sided, though it may appear that way. You can be sure that both sides are experiencing all the same feelings; one just got a head start working through the process.
Several feelings, maybe even regrets, will generate movement up and down the ladder of stages.
The most serious regret is less often the loss of a boyfriend or girlfriend, but the loss of a best friend, someone to do things with, to hang out with, to talk to, but now what? It’s hard to re-structure an entire social life. After breaking-up, many attempt to regain their buddy without all the added emotions or commitments of a relationship. We don’t recommend continued association. This is a tough transition best filled with other friends and family.
Another loss, particularly for the ladies, is not that this guy doesn't respect her anymore, although that may bother her. She is not mourning the loss of romance; she will deal with the emotional loss. No matter who broke-up with whom, she grieves that she can no longer respect the guy for whom she cares so much. She sees that he is really isn’t "larger than life" as she once thought, that he may not have the character traits she thought, those traits so she held so dear to her heart. Since girls need to feel a high respect for the men in their life, she is mourning the loss of the high esteem she once held. This is a much bigger impact than most realize. Guys, too, can feel similar emotions. When he or she cannot maintain respect for such a friend, the loss is great.
So how does one treat an individual after such loss? Shouldn't we still be friends?
It is natural to want to continue the friendship on a less intimate level in hopes to compensate for the loss.
Some people cannot bear to see others in pain and after breaking-up, they reconsider their intellectual decision. Before you think about reconciling, consider that this sympathy is a normal reaction, but feelings of loss should not override an intellectual decision.
Some make every effort to show their former date extra kindness, sympathy, and attentiveness, because he or she doesn’t like to see them hurting. Kindness, of course, is essential and one should do their very best to finalize things on a good note, but showing any extra kindness in order to make up for the hurt is the worst thing that can be done.
Remember that actions will woo? What is this extra kindness doing? It’s wooing her. Now she is totally confused, wondering if you are trying to woo her back even after you told her to go away. Your attempted kindness backfires as cruelty.
It is best to avoid interacting at all. This doesn’t mean be rude or ignore each other. Now when you see her, as mentioned before, treat her as an acquaintance not a buddy. Do not seek her out, hang with her, work with her on projects or events, or do anything that exposes you to her any more than necessary.
There is no valor for an ex-couple trying to prove that a friendship can be maintained. Both may act tough and claim that it doesn’t bother them, but remaining close may only be all the more painful for the other person whether they confess it or not. Love with Christian love from a distance, which is a much greater love than the kind that strives to prove itself the exception to this keep-your-distance rule. Graciously accept that you should not be friends for a long time. Eventually, you might become casual friends again, but for the sake of both involved, that should take years.
So what do I do with the feelings?
Do you instantly stop loving them? I am inclined to say that unless you had a completely mentally, physically, and emotionally traumatizing relationship, and even sometimes if you did, you don’t suddenly stop loving them. It just doesn’t go away that easily. It just gets tucked down inside a little deeper every day. This isn’t denial—it’s reality. Eventually it doesn’t surface quite so easily, and only then is it less painful.
After you have gone through the grieving process to the point of acceptance, mind-over-matter, combined with time-passed, are the best coping mechanisms for overcoming negative emotions as well as your love. Anytime you think of him or her, you may need to make a conscious choice to change your thoughts to another topic. This difficult change in your usual thought patterns will improve over an extended period of time. It won’t happen overnight.
One day, if given enough time, a new and healthy love overpowers the still-present older love. Though you thought you loved the first with all your heart, the next love makes you look back and say, “I never loved him/her like I love this person.” The first love is still there; it only changes in course (now brotherly) and intensity, but the sincerity doesn’t change.
When God is piecing together the puzzle of our lives, He is doing so with artistic mastery. It’s something we cannot do for ourselves. It’s hard to understand when you’re hurting, but the revelation does come later when a lifelong relationship is established. My hope is that by reading this chapter, you will see that the emotions and frustrations you experience are normal, so give yourself the time to move through the process without too high of expectations, and move on when you are ready.
What’s next?
With all of this heartbreak, a few tears will likely fall on the pillowcase each night. How could we avoid it? Yet, it’s often easier to experience tears than to watch someone else cry—at least for most people. This is especially true for guys, who are almost always uncomfortable in the presence of a tearful lady. Our next chapter covers just how to respond to that crying person, a skill we could all improve.
After all, if you have to see them cry, wouldn’t it be much better to “wow” them with your confidence and skill in cry-ology than to sneak out of the room? You can do this, Guys. It’s easy. I promise that once you get your degree in cry-ology, you will not only wow her, but you will wow yourself. Don’t believe me? Read on . . . .